Categories > Original > Drama
Title: Addy
Author: Allison Wonderland
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kyle gives The Girl inside his little brother a real name and takes her on her first public outing. And explains to Addison why he feels the way he does and that he isn't alone.
Warning(s): Angst, hurt/comfort, language, original characters, transgender issues, slash.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This work is the sole property of the author and is not to be reproduced through any means, either whole or in part without the permission of the author.
Series: Feel That Fire
Word Count: ~ 4800
Note(s): The results for Kyle's internet search are really what comes up when you type "boys who want to be girls" in the Google tool bar. Except the one where he finally finds what he's looking for which is from a book called /Transparent: Love, Family, And Living The T With Transgender Teens. /Lyrics are from Taylor Swift's song A Place In This World. Second set of lyrics are from Taylor Swift's song I'm Only Me When I'm With You.
~*~
When in doubt, Kyle always trusted the internet for answers.
He opened Firefox on his laptop and clicked in the search bar on the Google tool bar then pushed the apostrophe button while he was holding down the SHIFT key to get quotation marks. Then he hesitated. Because what the hell was he supposed to search for? 'What the hell is wrong with my brother' was his first instinct. But he knew that would probably bring up some whiny teenage girl's blog where she was complaining about her little brother teasing her or something else like that he wasn't looking for. He opened his mouth, ready to say 'weird shit.' Since Kyle was dyslexic and could barely read his own name, he obviously couldn't type so his laptop had a special function that allowed him to speak the words he wanted to type into the microphone and they would appear in whatever text box the cursor was currently in. But 'weird shit' as a search term would most likely bring up some kind of kinky porn website that catered to people with a shit kink. So that was out too. He paused, chewing on one grease stained thumbnail, as he thought of the exact words Addison had shouted at him before slamming the door in his face.
I'm a girl! I don't wanna pretend I'm a boy anymore!
"Boys that wanna be girls," he told the computer. It seemed like as good a place to start as any. The computer translated his words into the text 'boys that want to be girls' in the search bar and Kyle pressed the apostrophe button while he was holding down the SHIFT key to get quotation marks again. The quotation marks ensured the computer would search for that exact phrase. Thanks to wireless internet and the new tower that had gone in just outside town a couple of months ago, it took a fraction of a second for Kyle's search results to come up.
Since he was practically illiterate, Kyle's computer had another special function built in. When he moved the cursor over a word or a group of words a mechanical male voice read the words to him out loud. He scanned the results of his search for something that might jump out at him but nothing did so he slowly moved his cursor over the heading of the first of the search results.
"Miss Vera's Finishing School For Boys Who Want To Be Girls," a disembodied, electronic male voice said from the computer.
That didn't sound promising. In fact, it sounded like a porn site. And while Kyle was curious - he was bisexual, had known since he was fifteen, and was willing to try everything once, including sex with a cross dresser, which was what the first link sounded like to him - he didn't think 'cross dresser' summed up his little brother. It didn't seem like Addison was just Addison dressed like a girl. He was pretty sure Addison thought he was a girl. So maybe his brother had a mental problem or something.
He moved his cursor to the description beneath the first link.
"Crossdresser makeovers and finishing school in Manhattan," the robotic voice said. "Includes FAQ, course descriptions, faculty news, and yearbook."
"Weird," Kyle said aloud. Since there was no text box selected his reaction did not appear on the screen. That still wasn't a website he wanted to visit now.
Maybe later.
He moved on to the second link and slowly dragged his cursor over the heading.
"Miss Vera's Finishing School For Boys Who Want To Be Girls FAQ," he voice said.
Kyle frowned. Wasn't that the same as the first link? He moved his cursor over the description just to be sure.
"At Miss Vera's Finishing School for Boys Who Want To Be Girls, we believe in putting the clothes in the closet and letting the girl out."
That sounded sort of like what Addison was doing. He was letting the girl out. In a big way. It still didn't sound exactly right but Kyle decided to keep that one in mind just in case he couldn't find anything better. He moved his cursor to the heading of the second link.
"Berkely Parents Network," the automated voice read, "When Boys Want To Be Girls."
That sounded like it had potential. Kyle moved on to the description.
"October 21, 2008...When boys want to be girls...Berkely parents' network. Advice. Worries. When boys want to be girls."
That one had potential but it sounded too much like some educational resource or something, like dry and boring reading - or in Kyle's case, listening - but he decided to keep that particular website in mind in case he was unable to find something else and moved on the next heading.
"YouTube," the voice read. "Boys Who Want To Be Girls Who Want To Have Fun." That one didn't sound promising right from the start. Kyle moved his cursor to the description anyway and the voice continued. "Man becomes exact clone of his girlfriend."
No. Just...no.
He moved on to the next one.
"Transparent," the mechanical voice said. "Love, Family, and Living the 'T' With Transgender Teens."
That sounded almost promising. And if not promising, at least entertaining because Kyle was sure he had heard 'transgender' on Jerry Springer a time or two. He moved on to the description. Wasn't that what they called the drag queens?
Was his brother a drag queen?
Huh. That could be entertaining.
"Transgender is an umbrella term used to describe anyone who looks or acts outside the bounds of gender norms like the femmy boy who likes to wear makeup and sometimes even skirts."
"Whoa," Kyle said softly. That was Addison exactly. His brother looked like a girl even when he wasn't dressed in Cici's clothes and singing alone to Hannah Montana. He was too pretty for a boy and Kyle knew he wasn't the only one who thought so because he had heard Momma say the same thing plenty of times, usually on the phone with one of her gossipy friends who thought Addison was weird anyway because he'd rather curl up with a Jane Austen novel than play sports. Kyle couldn't see Addison playing sports. He was far too delicate. He didn't know if his brother wore makeup or not but he definitely liked skirts. Or at least /a /skirt.
Kyle clicked on the link in the header and a moment later a page full of text popped up. He sighed and began.
"Transgender is an umbrella term," the digitized voice from his laptop read to him. "It is used to describe anyone who looks or acts outside the bounds of traditional gender norms. Transgender, for example, can be the femmy boy (gay or straight) who likes to wear makeup and sometimes even skirts."
Kyle paused there for thought. A week ago, hell, even yesterday or a few hours ago, Kyle would have punched anyone who said Addison was any of that shit. Today he knew better. His brother had always looked sort of delicate and fragile - was sort of delicate and fragile - but the makeup and skirts thing was new. And a little unnerving because his geeky little brother made one hell of a gorgeous girl, even if she didn't have boobs or, you know, wasn't really a girl.
And she was sort of, well, too young for him.
Not that he was even considering doing anything with her anyway because she was his brother, even if she didn't actually look completely like his brother.
Or something...
Kyle 'read' on.
"Transgender can be the genetically female girl who goes by the name BJ and binds her breasts into a flattened mass beneath her tee shirt."
Okay, so definitely not Addison there. His brother actually wanted to be a girl. Or was a girl only not physically. Or something. The whole thing was just /confusing/.
"And transgender can be the person who looks singularly male or female on the outside but internally feels like an amalgam of both, a person who falters in front of public restroom doors, momentarily not sure which to choose."
He had no idea about the sort of bathroom habits Addison might or might not have except for the fact that he was almost thirteen and still wet the bed but the rest of that sounded similar to his brother's situation. At twelve Addison was less than five feet tall and the skinniest kid Kyle had ever seen. But dressed in his normal clothes no one would ever mistake him for a girl, even with his too pretty face. He was just a kind of geeky seventh grade boy with arms and legs that were too long and skinny and a face that was too pretty. But he had said he was really a girl so...
Maybe this website was on to something. Kyle continued 'reading'.
"Transsexual-"
He stopped there again.
There! That was it! That was the word they always used on Jerry Springer when they had those men on who wanted to be women, not the drag queens but the ones who had the surgeries. Kyle continued.
"Transsexual is more specific though it is a primary category under the umbrella. A transsexual is someone who feels entirely like the opposite sex. This person doesn't have to do anything about this feeling, she just has to feel it. Sooner or later, though, most transsexuals will start to transition."
"Transition," Kyle muttered. That must have been what Addison was doing. He continued.
"This can mean dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex, taking hormones, having surgeries, or any combination therein."
/Poor kid/, Kyle thought. He couldn't imagine his baby brother having to go through all that. And if anyone at school found out Addison was dead because Kyle was about to turn eighteen and couldn't go around punching all the little kids who made fun of his brother once he was a legal adult. And if things got physical there was no way Addison could hold his own against anyone who wanted to beat up 'the freak.'
Damn.
Momma and her husband with their southern Baptist anything that makes you feel good is a sin mentality were going to freak if they found out about their youngest son's little...problem.
But they would never find out. At least not from Kyle. With a sigh he got up and went to go talk to his brother about a subject he knew very little of.
~*~
"Addison!" Kyle called as he knocked as gently as one could knock on his brother's bedroom door. Normally he would have pounded or simply opened up the door and gone in. But Kyle saw no reason to scare his brother any worse than he already was and just opening the door and going in seemed like an invasion of Addison's privacy now that Kyle knew his baby brother actually had something going on that he might want privacy for. "We gotta talk about this girl thing ya got goin' on. Can I come in?"
The only answer he received was complete silence from behind the High School Musical poster covered door.
But that was hardly surprising. He supposed his brother had been traumatized or something by Kyle walking in on him in full drag earlier. "Addison," he tried again.
When his brother still didn't respond Kyle took his brother's silence for permission to enter. After all, Addison hadn't told him to come in but he hadn't said not to either.
I don't know what I want so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
Addison's CD player was still on but he had turned it down and Kyle recognized the song playing as Taylor Swift's /A Place In This World/. Which was considerably better than Hannah Montana but still not quite what he would have preferred. Addison himself lay curled up on his bed with his back to the door. He was still dressed in the purple tee shirt, white denim miniskirt, and purple and pink striped leggings he had been wearing earlier. His feet were still bare. Kyle knew that his brother knew he was there because the younger boy's back tensed as Kyle approached.
"I ain't gonna hurt ya, Addison," he said, trying to sound reassuring. "I ain't even-"there he stopped because maybe honesty was the best policy just now. "Okay, so I am a lil bit freaked out. But hell, Addison, I'll get over it. You're still my baby brother." Except that wasn't what Addison wanted was it? He wanted to be a girl. That would make him... "Or sister, if that's whatcha want." Talking to Addison's back was not working out and his brother - sister? - was showing no sign of turning over and looking at him any time soon so Kyle walked around the bed and knelt down on the baby blue carpet so they were face to face.
He should have expected what he found. Addison might be twelve years old, thirteen in August, which was only three months away, but he had always been prone to sucking his thumb. Their Momma thought she had broken him of it when he was four years old by putting hot sauce on his thumb but that was only because - in the eight or nine years since - she had never witnessed it. Kyle had. Frequently. It was one of the many secrets the two shared - just like Addison's girl thing was going to be another one - and Addison could normally only be found sucking his thumb at night or when he was upset.
It was only three thirty in the afternoon so that pretty much ruled out that at night thing.
"Hey," Kyle said. He tried not to think about how hot his little brother's - sister's? - sparkly pink - where the hell had he gotten lip gloss? - lips were as they sucked on his - or her - thumb and how much Kyle would like those same lips wrapped around a certain part of his own anatomy.
And oh, wow, that was a weird thought.
"So about this transsexual thing," he began.
"What's that?" Addison asked.
Or at least that was what Kyle thought he asked. The words were barely a whisper and came out slurred around the thumb in his mouth. Her mouth? Whatever.
"Ya mean ya never looked it up online or nothing'? With ya bein' so smart and all I thought that'd be the first thing ya'd do. Or find some book about it." Addison loved books. He read constantly.
Addison sniffled and shook his head.
The poor kid looked so miserable that Kyle decided to just tell him. "A transsexual," he began, "is someone-" Okay, so he had not bothered to remember the exact definition because he had counted on Addison knowing what he was and not needing it explained. "All right, ya got boy...parts, yeah?" Oh, this wasn't awkward at /all/. But Kyle had seen his brother naked enough times to know he was right.
Addison nodded, thumb still in his mouth. "So?" he mumbled around it.
Kyle gently dislodged his brother's thumb from his mouth but did not relinquish his hand. He tried to tell himself it was to keep Addison from sucking his thumb again and not for any other reason, like now that he was starting to think of his brother as a girl, he quite liked the feel of Addison's soft little fingers wrapped around his own. "But ya said that...you're a girl. Ya think you're a girl. And that's what a transsexual is." He was /not /going into the part about hormones and surgery as that was just likely to completely freak his brother out.
"That's me," Addison murmured to himself. "I'm a...transsexual...and there's other people like me?" he asked, looking to his older brother for confirmation.
Kyle nodded.
Addison looked relieved. "And you don't mind?" he asked. "I know it's weird but you don't think I'm a freak or anything?" Kyle's opinion mattered to Addison more than anyone else's did. His brother was the person he had always been closest to - except for his father - and he was not sure what he would do if Kyle thought badly of him.
Kyle laughed but not unkindly. "Course I think you're a freak," he said. "Always have. From the first time I ever saw ya. All pink and wrinkled and noisy." Kyle thought he saw the smallest hint of a smile cross his brother's face so he continued. "And now look how much trouble ya are! I told /Momma and Daddy I'd rather have a puppy." That brought a genuine giggle from Addison and for a moment Kyle thought he actually saw another one of those little junior high girls who liked to peek inside the garage and watch him work when he was at Dixie's but who went all giggly and ran off every time he made eye contact with one of them. Damn little girls and their annoying crushes. But thank God the girl inside his brother /was inside his /brother/. And, in a week, jailbait. Otherwise he might have been tempted.
"Thank you," he...she - yeah, definitely she, at least for now - said softly. "I mean, for not...you know." Then the hot little jailbait by next week girl who was really Kyle's bratty little brother sat up and threw her arms around his neck and hugged him.
"Yeah, I know," Kyle agreed. "Hey," he said, pulling back just enough to allow him to lift Addison's chin up so he could look him in the eye, "how about we don't tell Momma and Stefan about this for now." When he had been fifteen years old Kyle had made a promise to his father when he went into the hospital for the last time. In exchange for Kyle's promise that he would always take care of Addison, Daddy had given him the keys to his then new 2002 GMC Sierra pickup truck and his older than Kyle leather jacket. Kyle wasn't sure if 'take care of Addison' included helping him hide something this big from their mother and her husband but he was pretty sure 'take care of Addison' included protecting his little brother from Momma's and Stefan's born again southern Baptist anything you can derive the smallest bit of pleasure from is a sin beliefs. God only knew what they might do to him if they found him dressed like a girl, saying he was a girl. Kyle damn sure wasn't about to tell them that he himself liked boys just as much as he liked girls yes, in that way.
And apparently Addison - could he call the girl inside his brother by his brother's name? - felt the same way. "Not just now/," he said, burying his face against Kyle's shoulder again. "Not /ever/. Don't ever tell /anyone."
"Yeah, all right," Kyle agreed. Then he finally remembered the reason he was home so early in the first place. "Hey," he said, "I got paid today. Ya know what that means."
"Ice cream!"
"Ice cream," Kyle agreed. "Dixie let me leave early today so I thought we'd go to Wal-Mart over in Hollowell to cash my check and I'll buy ya somethin' then go to that new multiplex and see a movie."
"Flicka?" Addison asked hopefully.
"That watcha wanna see?"
Addison nodded.
"Yeah, I guess that's okay."
"And then McDonalds and ice cream too?" Addison asked.
"Then McDonalds and ice cream long as ya don't ask for nothin' too expensive at Wal-Mart," Kyle said decidedly.
"We'll really go?" Addison asked. "I mean...after...I thought maybe you wouldn't...want to...I don't know...that you wouldn't want to be seen with me because I'm...a...freak?"
"Ya ain't a freak. Just...different. Hell, wear that if ya want to." Kyle gestured to Addison's current clothing. "Ain't nobody over in Hollowell we know and if we do run into somebody ain't like they're gonna know. Ya don't look like Addison in that." The worst anyone who might see them and recognize them would think was that Kyle was cradle robbing. If he made Addison brush his hair anyone who might recognize either one of them was going to have to look closely to tell the cute little girl with Kyle was in fact his brother.
"But someone might see!" Addison squealed right in his brother's ear. He looked panicked but intrigued as well as he pulled back and stared at Kyle with a completely stunned expression.
"Ain't that the whole point of ya bein' dressed that way? So people can see ya ain't really a boy?"
Addison frowned. "No." Then he reconsidered. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know. I mean...kinda, I guess." He wanted everyone he met to see him as a girl but the last thing he wanted was to be recognized. "Yes, but a long time from now and not here. Somewhere else. What if I get recognized?"
"I don't think ya gotta worry about that. When I first saw ya I wondered who the hot girl was. Then I realized ya ain't got a girlfriend or nothin'. Kyle did not stop to consider how he really should not have thought his brother in a skirt was kind of hot or how, even though he did, admitting it was probably not the wisest course of action to take.
That annoying junior high school girl giggle popped out again but somehow, when it came from Addison, Kyle found it not quite so annoying. He thought it was actually kind of cute. "Really?" the younger sibling asked.
"Really," Kyle confirmed.
"And," Addison said hopefully, "you don't mind being seen with me like that?"
"Nah. All anybody's gonna see's a hot chick. How's that gonna hurt me? They'll just think I'm cradle robbin' is all." Which was better than grave robbing because being suspected of dating an old person?
/Eew/.
Besides, ever since his break up with Tally - the girl Kyle had been going out with when their father had died and for a little while after - it was not unusual for Kyle to be seen out with a different girl every weekend. "Whaddya want from Wal-Mart?" he asked without waiting for an answer to his first question.
"Do I have to get boy stuff?" The one up side The Girl could see about having Kyle know about her was that she didn't have to get the boy toys in her Happy Meals anymore.
"What else d'ya want?" Kyle stood up then pulled Addison up off his - or her or whatever - bed as well. The plastic mattress cover under the sheet crinkled.
"I want girl stuff. Like a new pair of shoes." She glanced down and wriggled her bare toes. "I only got boy shoes." That made her think of something else. "Or underwears. My Nemo ones are best but there's no lace or pretty colors or anything."
"Don't see why we can't get both long as ya don't want nothin' costs too much." Although Kyle's ideal Friday night had /not /involved spending the night in the little girls' underwear section at Wal-Mart.
The little girl inhabiting Addison's body squealed and threw herself into Kyle's arms for the second time that night. Had it been any other girl that age Kyle would immediately have gotten as far away from her as he could. He didn't function well around squealing preteen girls. They gave him a headache. But he found he didn't mind the one that had taken over his brother's body so much.
~*~
Friday night beneath the stars,
In a field behind your yard
You and I are painting pictures in the sky
And sometimes we don't say a thing
Just listen to the crickets ding
Everything I need is right here by my side.
And I know everything about you
"I don't wanna live without yoooou!" Addison or the girl inhabiting his body sang loudly and way off key as he - or she - bounced up and down on her end of the bench seat.
Kyle couldn't help rolling his eyes.
I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
The other half I'm only trying to let you know what I feel is truee
And I'm only me when I'm with you.
"And I'm only me when I'm with yooooou!" she shrieked along with the radio.
Kyle decided that Coke and twelve year old girls didn't mix well. And she was /not /choosing the music on the way home; he was heartily sick of Taylor Swift. Luckily she quieted quickly when Kyle pulled the truck into the parking lot and didn't protest when he turned the CD player down. He didn't notice how quiet she or he or whatever was until he had parked the truck and turned it off. Addison didn't move. He sat staring forward out the windshield at the crowded Friday night at Wal-Mart parking lot. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"There's too many people," Addison observed. "I don't think I can go in like this."
"Relax, Lil Bit." Little Bit had always been Kyle's name for his brother, ever since he held his younger sibling at the hospital for the first time. He had liked that his new brother was tiny enough for him to hold and to - with Momma or Daddy watching - even carry sometimes. "You'll do fine. Hey," Kyle said, having thought of something else. "With this many people around it ain't like anybody's gonna give ya a second look anyhow."
"I guess." Addison sounded unsure.
Kyle suddenly found himself with his arms full of his brother.
Dressed like a girl.
Which was kinda weird.
But not completely surprising. Addison had always been a clingy kid, snuggling up on the couch when they watched television, asking for hugs and kisses, even going so far as to climb into bed with Kyle when he had had a nightmare or his own bed was too wet to sleep in. Kyle put up with a lot of things from his brother that he would happily have beaten anyone else senseless for. He supposed this whole transsexual thing was just another example of what he would accept from his brother but not from anyone else. "Hey, Addy. It's all right," he said, the more feminine abbreviation of his brother's name slipping out unexpectedly as he rubbed slow soothing circles on her back.
"Addy?" she asked, confused.
Kyle shrugged as well as he could with Addison being all clingy. "I dunno," he said. "Can't call ya Addison when ya look like that."
"Addy," she...he...no, definitely she...repeated and smiled. "Having a name makes me a real girl." She sounded relieved. She had a name. She wasn't just The Girl anymore.
Kyle watched her go from his brother in Cici's too big clothes to Addy in a fraction of a second. It was something in her confidence, as if giving that part of herself a name really did make all the difference.
"I'm Addy," she said smiling. "And I think I'm ready to go in now."
And Kyle knew without a doubt that he was doomed. If all those little jailbait junior high girls who stalked him at work and coming out of the high school were half as cute as his Addy...
His Addy.
God damn it.
Suddenly disassociating Addy from his little brother by giving her a name seemed like the worst mistake he had ever made.
Author: Allison Wonderland
Rating: PG-13
Summary: Kyle gives The Girl inside his little brother a real name and takes her on her first public outing. And explains to Addison why he feels the way he does and that he isn't alone.
Warning(s): Angst, hurt/comfort, language, original characters, transgender issues, slash.
Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction and any resemblance of characters to actual persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. This work is the sole property of the author and is not to be reproduced through any means, either whole or in part without the permission of the author.
Series: Feel That Fire
Word Count: ~ 4800
Note(s): The results for Kyle's internet search are really what comes up when you type "boys who want to be girls" in the Google tool bar. Except the one where he finally finds what he's looking for which is from a book called /Transparent: Love, Family, And Living The T With Transgender Teens. /Lyrics are from Taylor Swift's song A Place In This World. Second set of lyrics are from Taylor Swift's song I'm Only Me When I'm With You.
~*~
When in doubt, Kyle always trusted the internet for answers.
He opened Firefox on his laptop and clicked in the search bar on the Google tool bar then pushed the apostrophe button while he was holding down the SHIFT key to get quotation marks. Then he hesitated. Because what the hell was he supposed to search for? 'What the hell is wrong with my brother' was his first instinct. But he knew that would probably bring up some whiny teenage girl's blog where she was complaining about her little brother teasing her or something else like that he wasn't looking for. He opened his mouth, ready to say 'weird shit.' Since Kyle was dyslexic and could barely read his own name, he obviously couldn't type so his laptop had a special function that allowed him to speak the words he wanted to type into the microphone and they would appear in whatever text box the cursor was currently in. But 'weird shit' as a search term would most likely bring up some kind of kinky porn website that catered to people with a shit kink. So that was out too. He paused, chewing on one grease stained thumbnail, as he thought of the exact words Addison had shouted at him before slamming the door in his face.
I'm a girl! I don't wanna pretend I'm a boy anymore!
"Boys that wanna be girls," he told the computer. It seemed like as good a place to start as any. The computer translated his words into the text 'boys that want to be girls' in the search bar and Kyle pressed the apostrophe button while he was holding down the SHIFT key to get quotation marks again. The quotation marks ensured the computer would search for that exact phrase. Thanks to wireless internet and the new tower that had gone in just outside town a couple of months ago, it took a fraction of a second for Kyle's search results to come up.
Since he was practically illiterate, Kyle's computer had another special function built in. When he moved the cursor over a word or a group of words a mechanical male voice read the words to him out loud. He scanned the results of his search for something that might jump out at him but nothing did so he slowly moved his cursor over the heading of the first of the search results.
"Miss Vera's Finishing School For Boys Who Want To Be Girls," a disembodied, electronic male voice said from the computer.
That didn't sound promising. In fact, it sounded like a porn site. And while Kyle was curious - he was bisexual, had known since he was fifteen, and was willing to try everything once, including sex with a cross dresser, which was what the first link sounded like to him - he didn't think 'cross dresser' summed up his little brother. It didn't seem like Addison was just Addison dressed like a girl. He was pretty sure Addison thought he was a girl. So maybe his brother had a mental problem or something.
He moved his cursor to the description beneath the first link.
"Crossdresser makeovers and finishing school in Manhattan," the robotic voice said. "Includes FAQ, course descriptions, faculty news, and yearbook."
"Weird," Kyle said aloud. Since there was no text box selected his reaction did not appear on the screen. That still wasn't a website he wanted to visit now.
Maybe later.
He moved on to the second link and slowly dragged his cursor over the heading.
"Miss Vera's Finishing School For Boys Who Want To Be Girls FAQ," he voice said.
Kyle frowned. Wasn't that the same as the first link? He moved his cursor over the description just to be sure.
"At Miss Vera's Finishing School for Boys Who Want To Be Girls, we believe in putting the clothes in the closet and letting the girl out."
That sounded sort of like what Addison was doing. He was letting the girl out. In a big way. It still didn't sound exactly right but Kyle decided to keep that one in mind just in case he couldn't find anything better. He moved his cursor to the heading of the second link.
"Berkely Parents Network," the automated voice read, "When Boys Want To Be Girls."
That sounded like it had potential. Kyle moved on to the description.
"October 21, 2008...When boys want to be girls...Berkely parents' network. Advice. Worries. When boys want to be girls."
That one had potential but it sounded too much like some educational resource or something, like dry and boring reading - or in Kyle's case, listening - but he decided to keep that particular website in mind in case he was unable to find something else and moved on the next heading.
"YouTube," the voice read. "Boys Who Want To Be Girls Who Want To Have Fun." That one didn't sound promising right from the start. Kyle moved his cursor to the description anyway and the voice continued. "Man becomes exact clone of his girlfriend."
No. Just...no.
He moved on to the next one.
"Transparent," the mechanical voice said. "Love, Family, and Living the 'T' With Transgender Teens."
That sounded almost promising. And if not promising, at least entertaining because Kyle was sure he had heard 'transgender' on Jerry Springer a time or two. He moved on to the description. Wasn't that what they called the drag queens?
Was his brother a drag queen?
Huh. That could be entertaining.
"Transgender is an umbrella term used to describe anyone who looks or acts outside the bounds of gender norms like the femmy boy who likes to wear makeup and sometimes even skirts."
"Whoa," Kyle said softly. That was Addison exactly. His brother looked like a girl even when he wasn't dressed in Cici's clothes and singing alone to Hannah Montana. He was too pretty for a boy and Kyle knew he wasn't the only one who thought so because he had heard Momma say the same thing plenty of times, usually on the phone with one of her gossipy friends who thought Addison was weird anyway because he'd rather curl up with a Jane Austen novel than play sports. Kyle couldn't see Addison playing sports. He was far too delicate. He didn't know if his brother wore makeup or not but he definitely liked skirts. Or at least /a /skirt.
Kyle clicked on the link in the header and a moment later a page full of text popped up. He sighed and began.
"Transgender is an umbrella term," the digitized voice from his laptop read to him. "It is used to describe anyone who looks or acts outside the bounds of traditional gender norms. Transgender, for example, can be the femmy boy (gay or straight) who likes to wear makeup and sometimes even skirts."
Kyle paused there for thought. A week ago, hell, even yesterday or a few hours ago, Kyle would have punched anyone who said Addison was any of that shit. Today he knew better. His brother had always looked sort of delicate and fragile - was sort of delicate and fragile - but the makeup and skirts thing was new. And a little unnerving because his geeky little brother made one hell of a gorgeous girl, even if she didn't have boobs or, you know, wasn't really a girl.
And she was sort of, well, too young for him.
Not that he was even considering doing anything with her anyway because she was his brother, even if she didn't actually look completely like his brother.
Or something...
Kyle 'read' on.
"Transgender can be the genetically female girl who goes by the name BJ and binds her breasts into a flattened mass beneath her tee shirt."
Okay, so definitely not Addison there. His brother actually wanted to be a girl. Or was a girl only not physically. Or something. The whole thing was just /confusing/.
"And transgender can be the person who looks singularly male or female on the outside but internally feels like an amalgam of both, a person who falters in front of public restroom doors, momentarily not sure which to choose."
He had no idea about the sort of bathroom habits Addison might or might not have except for the fact that he was almost thirteen and still wet the bed but the rest of that sounded similar to his brother's situation. At twelve Addison was less than five feet tall and the skinniest kid Kyle had ever seen. But dressed in his normal clothes no one would ever mistake him for a girl, even with his too pretty face. He was just a kind of geeky seventh grade boy with arms and legs that were too long and skinny and a face that was too pretty. But he had said he was really a girl so...
Maybe this website was on to something. Kyle continued 'reading'.
"Transsexual-"
He stopped there again.
There! That was it! That was the word they always used on Jerry Springer when they had those men on who wanted to be women, not the drag queens but the ones who had the surgeries. Kyle continued.
"Transsexual is more specific though it is a primary category under the umbrella. A transsexual is someone who feels entirely like the opposite sex. This person doesn't have to do anything about this feeling, she just has to feel it. Sooner or later, though, most transsexuals will start to transition."
"Transition," Kyle muttered. That must have been what Addison was doing. He continued.
"This can mean dressing in the clothes of the opposite sex, taking hormones, having surgeries, or any combination therein."
/Poor kid/, Kyle thought. He couldn't imagine his baby brother having to go through all that. And if anyone at school found out Addison was dead because Kyle was about to turn eighteen and couldn't go around punching all the little kids who made fun of his brother once he was a legal adult. And if things got physical there was no way Addison could hold his own against anyone who wanted to beat up 'the freak.'
Damn.
Momma and her husband with their southern Baptist anything that makes you feel good is a sin mentality were going to freak if they found out about their youngest son's little...problem.
But they would never find out. At least not from Kyle. With a sigh he got up and went to go talk to his brother about a subject he knew very little of.
~*~
"Addison!" Kyle called as he knocked as gently as one could knock on his brother's bedroom door. Normally he would have pounded or simply opened up the door and gone in. But Kyle saw no reason to scare his brother any worse than he already was and just opening the door and going in seemed like an invasion of Addison's privacy now that Kyle knew his baby brother actually had something going on that he might want privacy for. "We gotta talk about this girl thing ya got goin' on. Can I come in?"
The only answer he received was complete silence from behind the High School Musical poster covered door.
But that was hardly surprising. He supposed his brother had been traumatized or something by Kyle walking in on him in full drag earlier. "Addison," he tried again.
When his brother still didn't respond Kyle took his brother's silence for permission to enter. After all, Addison hadn't told him to come in but he hadn't said not to either.
I don't know what I want so don't ask me
Cause I'm still trying to figure it out
Don't know what's down this road, I'm just walking
Trying to see through the rain coming down
Even though I'm not the only one
Who feels the way I do
Addison's CD player was still on but he had turned it down and Kyle recognized the song playing as Taylor Swift's /A Place In This World/. Which was considerably better than Hannah Montana but still not quite what he would have preferred. Addison himself lay curled up on his bed with his back to the door. He was still dressed in the purple tee shirt, white denim miniskirt, and purple and pink striped leggings he had been wearing earlier. His feet were still bare. Kyle knew that his brother knew he was there because the younger boy's back tensed as Kyle approached.
"I ain't gonna hurt ya, Addison," he said, trying to sound reassuring. "I ain't even-"there he stopped because maybe honesty was the best policy just now. "Okay, so I am a lil bit freaked out. But hell, Addison, I'll get over it. You're still my baby brother." Except that wasn't what Addison wanted was it? He wanted to be a girl. That would make him... "Or sister, if that's whatcha want." Talking to Addison's back was not working out and his brother - sister? - was showing no sign of turning over and looking at him any time soon so Kyle walked around the bed and knelt down on the baby blue carpet so they were face to face.
He should have expected what he found. Addison might be twelve years old, thirteen in August, which was only three months away, but he had always been prone to sucking his thumb. Their Momma thought she had broken him of it when he was four years old by putting hot sauce on his thumb but that was only because - in the eight or nine years since - she had never witnessed it. Kyle had. Frequently. It was one of the many secrets the two shared - just like Addison's girl thing was going to be another one - and Addison could normally only be found sucking his thumb at night or when he was upset.
It was only three thirty in the afternoon so that pretty much ruled out that at night thing.
"Hey," Kyle said. He tried not to think about how hot his little brother's - sister's? - sparkly pink - where the hell had he gotten lip gloss? - lips were as they sucked on his - or her - thumb and how much Kyle would like those same lips wrapped around a certain part of his own anatomy.
And oh, wow, that was a weird thought.
"So about this transsexual thing," he began.
"What's that?" Addison asked.
Or at least that was what Kyle thought he asked. The words were barely a whisper and came out slurred around the thumb in his mouth. Her mouth? Whatever.
"Ya mean ya never looked it up online or nothing'? With ya bein' so smart and all I thought that'd be the first thing ya'd do. Or find some book about it." Addison loved books. He read constantly.
Addison sniffled and shook his head.
The poor kid looked so miserable that Kyle decided to just tell him. "A transsexual," he began, "is someone-" Okay, so he had not bothered to remember the exact definition because he had counted on Addison knowing what he was and not needing it explained. "All right, ya got boy...parts, yeah?" Oh, this wasn't awkward at /all/. But Kyle had seen his brother naked enough times to know he was right.
Addison nodded, thumb still in his mouth. "So?" he mumbled around it.
Kyle gently dislodged his brother's thumb from his mouth but did not relinquish his hand. He tried to tell himself it was to keep Addison from sucking his thumb again and not for any other reason, like now that he was starting to think of his brother as a girl, he quite liked the feel of Addison's soft little fingers wrapped around his own. "But ya said that...you're a girl. Ya think you're a girl. And that's what a transsexual is." He was /not /going into the part about hormones and surgery as that was just likely to completely freak his brother out.
"That's me," Addison murmured to himself. "I'm a...transsexual...and there's other people like me?" he asked, looking to his older brother for confirmation.
Kyle nodded.
Addison looked relieved. "And you don't mind?" he asked. "I know it's weird but you don't think I'm a freak or anything?" Kyle's opinion mattered to Addison more than anyone else's did. His brother was the person he had always been closest to - except for his father - and he was not sure what he would do if Kyle thought badly of him.
Kyle laughed but not unkindly. "Course I think you're a freak," he said. "Always have. From the first time I ever saw ya. All pink and wrinkled and noisy." Kyle thought he saw the smallest hint of a smile cross his brother's face so he continued. "And now look how much trouble ya are! I told /Momma and Daddy I'd rather have a puppy." That brought a genuine giggle from Addison and for a moment Kyle thought he actually saw another one of those little junior high girls who liked to peek inside the garage and watch him work when he was at Dixie's but who went all giggly and ran off every time he made eye contact with one of them. Damn little girls and their annoying crushes. But thank God the girl inside his brother /was inside his /brother/. And, in a week, jailbait. Otherwise he might have been tempted.
"Thank you," he...she - yeah, definitely she, at least for now - said softly. "I mean, for not...you know." Then the hot little jailbait by next week girl who was really Kyle's bratty little brother sat up and threw her arms around his neck and hugged him.
"Yeah, I know," Kyle agreed. "Hey," he said, pulling back just enough to allow him to lift Addison's chin up so he could look him in the eye, "how about we don't tell Momma and Stefan about this for now." When he had been fifteen years old Kyle had made a promise to his father when he went into the hospital for the last time. In exchange for Kyle's promise that he would always take care of Addison, Daddy had given him the keys to his then new 2002 GMC Sierra pickup truck and his older than Kyle leather jacket. Kyle wasn't sure if 'take care of Addison' included helping him hide something this big from their mother and her husband but he was pretty sure 'take care of Addison' included protecting his little brother from Momma's and Stefan's born again southern Baptist anything you can derive the smallest bit of pleasure from is a sin beliefs. God only knew what they might do to him if they found him dressed like a girl, saying he was a girl. Kyle damn sure wasn't about to tell them that he himself liked boys just as much as he liked girls yes, in that way.
And apparently Addison - could he call the girl inside his brother by his brother's name? - felt the same way. "Not just now/," he said, burying his face against Kyle's shoulder again. "Not /ever/. Don't ever tell /anyone."
"Yeah, all right," Kyle agreed. Then he finally remembered the reason he was home so early in the first place. "Hey," he said, "I got paid today. Ya know what that means."
"Ice cream!"
"Ice cream," Kyle agreed. "Dixie let me leave early today so I thought we'd go to Wal-Mart over in Hollowell to cash my check and I'll buy ya somethin' then go to that new multiplex and see a movie."
"Flicka?" Addison asked hopefully.
"That watcha wanna see?"
Addison nodded.
"Yeah, I guess that's okay."
"And then McDonalds and ice cream too?" Addison asked.
"Then McDonalds and ice cream long as ya don't ask for nothin' too expensive at Wal-Mart," Kyle said decidedly.
"We'll really go?" Addison asked. "I mean...after...I thought maybe you wouldn't...want to...I don't know...that you wouldn't want to be seen with me because I'm...a...freak?"
"Ya ain't a freak. Just...different. Hell, wear that if ya want to." Kyle gestured to Addison's current clothing. "Ain't nobody over in Hollowell we know and if we do run into somebody ain't like they're gonna know. Ya don't look like Addison in that." The worst anyone who might see them and recognize them would think was that Kyle was cradle robbing. If he made Addison brush his hair anyone who might recognize either one of them was going to have to look closely to tell the cute little girl with Kyle was in fact his brother.
"But someone might see!" Addison squealed right in his brother's ear. He looked panicked but intrigued as well as he pulled back and stared at Kyle with a completely stunned expression.
"Ain't that the whole point of ya bein' dressed that way? So people can see ya ain't really a boy?"
Addison frowned. "No." Then he reconsidered. "Yes. Maybe. I don't know. I mean...kinda, I guess." He wanted everyone he met to see him as a girl but the last thing he wanted was to be recognized. "Yes, but a long time from now and not here. Somewhere else. What if I get recognized?"
"I don't think ya gotta worry about that. When I first saw ya I wondered who the hot girl was. Then I realized ya ain't got a girlfriend or nothin'. Kyle did not stop to consider how he really should not have thought his brother in a skirt was kind of hot or how, even though he did, admitting it was probably not the wisest course of action to take.
That annoying junior high school girl giggle popped out again but somehow, when it came from Addison, Kyle found it not quite so annoying. He thought it was actually kind of cute. "Really?" the younger sibling asked.
"Really," Kyle confirmed.
"And," Addison said hopefully, "you don't mind being seen with me like that?"
"Nah. All anybody's gonna see's a hot chick. How's that gonna hurt me? They'll just think I'm cradle robbin' is all." Which was better than grave robbing because being suspected of dating an old person?
/Eew/.
Besides, ever since his break up with Tally - the girl Kyle had been going out with when their father had died and for a little while after - it was not unusual for Kyle to be seen out with a different girl every weekend. "Whaddya want from Wal-Mart?" he asked without waiting for an answer to his first question.
"Do I have to get boy stuff?" The one up side The Girl could see about having Kyle know about her was that she didn't have to get the boy toys in her Happy Meals anymore.
"What else d'ya want?" Kyle stood up then pulled Addison up off his - or her or whatever - bed as well. The plastic mattress cover under the sheet crinkled.
"I want girl stuff. Like a new pair of shoes." She glanced down and wriggled her bare toes. "I only got boy shoes." That made her think of something else. "Or underwears. My Nemo ones are best but there's no lace or pretty colors or anything."
"Don't see why we can't get both long as ya don't want nothin' costs too much." Although Kyle's ideal Friday night had /not /involved spending the night in the little girls' underwear section at Wal-Mart.
The little girl inhabiting Addison's body squealed and threw herself into Kyle's arms for the second time that night. Had it been any other girl that age Kyle would immediately have gotten as far away from her as he could. He didn't function well around squealing preteen girls. They gave him a headache. But he found he didn't mind the one that had taken over his brother's body so much.
~*~
Friday night beneath the stars,
In a field behind your yard
You and I are painting pictures in the sky
And sometimes we don't say a thing
Just listen to the crickets ding
Everything I need is right here by my side.
And I know everything about you
"I don't wanna live without yoooou!" Addison or the girl inhabiting his body sang loudly and way off key as he - or she - bounced up and down on her end of the bench seat.
Kyle couldn't help rolling his eyes.
I'm only up when you're not down
Don't wanna fly if you're still on the ground
It's like no matter what I do
Well you drive me crazy half the time;
The other half I'm only trying to let you know what I feel is truee
And I'm only me when I'm with you.
"And I'm only me when I'm with yooooou!" she shrieked along with the radio.
Kyle decided that Coke and twelve year old girls didn't mix well. And she was /not /choosing the music on the way home; he was heartily sick of Taylor Swift. Luckily she quieted quickly when Kyle pulled the truck into the parking lot and didn't protest when he turned the CD player down. He didn't notice how quiet she or he or whatever was until he had parked the truck and turned it off. Addison didn't move. He sat staring forward out the windshield at the crowded Friday night at Wal-Mart parking lot. "What's wrong?" he asked.
"There's too many people," Addison observed. "I don't think I can go in like this."
"Relax, Lil Bit." Little Bit had always been Kyle's name for his brother, ever since he held his younger sibling at the hospital for the first time. He had liked that his new brother was tiny enough for him to hold and to - with Momma or Daddy watching - even carry sometimes. "You'll do fine. Hey," Kyle said, having thought of something else. "With this many people around it ain't like anybody's gonna give ya a second look anyhow."
"I guess." Addison sounded unsure.
Kyle suddenly found himself with his arms full of his brother.
Dressed like a girl.
Which was kinda weird.
But not completely surprising. Addison had always been a clingy kid, snuggling up on the couch when they watched television, asking for hugs and kisses, even going so far as to climb into bed with Kyle when he had had a nightmare or his own bed was too wet to sleep in. Kyle put up with a lot of things from his brother that he would happily have beaten anyone else senseless for. He supposed this whole transsexual thing was just another example of what he would accept from his brother but not from anyone else. "Hey, Addy. It's all right," he said, the more feminine abbreviation of his brother's name slipping out unexpectedly as he rubbed slow soothing circles on her back.
"Addy?" she asked, confused.
Kyle shrugged as well as he could with Addison being all clingy. "I dunno," he said. "Can't call ya Addison when ya look like that."
"Addy," she...he...no, definitely she...repeated and smiled. "Having a name makes me a real girl." She sounded relieved. She had a name. She wasn't just The Girl anymore.
Kyle watched her go from his brother in Cici's too big clothes to Addy in a fraction of a second. It was something in her confidence, as if giving that part of herself a name really did make all the difference.
"I'm Addy," she said smiling. "And I think I'm ready to go in now."
And Kyle knew without a doubt that he was doomed. If all those little jailbait junior high girls who stalked him at work and coming out of the high school were half as cute as his Addy...
His Addy.
God damn it.
Suddenly disassociating Addy from his little brother by giving her a name seemed like the worst mistake he had ever made.
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