Categories > Books > Harry Potter

Top Broom

by rdgale2000 3 reviews

What if Top Gear reviewed Brooms? Omake for 'Letters' on FF.net but since it's down, I'm posting it here.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: PG - Genres: Parody - Characters: Harry - Published: 2011-04-10 - Updated: 2011-04-11 - 3865 words - Complete

4Funny
Authors Notes:

This is a one-time shot that is meant as a supplement to TheEndless7's story 'Letters' (id# 6535391) Please take the time to read it.

In Chapter 12 the author talks about other activities that occur at Hogwarts at the same time as the Triwizards Tournament, one of them being inter-school Quidditch matches. As a part of the match, 'sponsors' have made racing brooms for each of the schools: Mercedes Benz for Durmstrang Institute, Renault for Beauxbatons Academy of Magic, and Lotus for Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry.

I don't know why, but I had a very strong impression that there needed to be a review of these new brooms made by these major car companies, and if any of you have watched much British Television, then you will know that one of the most popular show on the BBC is 'Top Gear'.

This is my attempt at a magical version of this classic BBC series.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter and am making no money from this endeavor. No copyright or trademark infringements are intended with regards to Harry Potter, JK Rowling, Top Gear or the BBC, Mercedes Benz, Renault, or Lotus.

NOTE: This is my first time trying to write something like a television show. If you don't understand it, go to Hulu or the Top Gear website to view some of the shows.

Reference: harrypotter (dot) wikia (dot) com
www (dot) hp-lexicon (dot) org
en (dot) wikipedia (dot) org
www (dot) searchforancestors (dot) com surnames origin / frenchsurnames (dot) html
www (dot)lotuscars (dot) com en lotus-elise-specification

rdg2000


Top Broom Season 1 Episode 1

(Bring up theme song 'Jessica' by The Allman Brothers Band)

(Fade in aerial shot of the Top Broom test track and studio)

(Clarkson): "Tonight on Top Broom. I ride a new carpet from Mercedes Benz. Hammond visits a place where the trees grow straight, and May looks at straws. There are three new brooms making their debut in the Triwizards Tournament, and a singing sensation on our reasonable priced broom.

(Bring music to full volume.)

(Fade to inside main studio - Clarkson center stage.)

(Clarkson): "Hello! Welcome! Thank you! Hello and welcome to our show tonight. We'll get to our individual reports in a little while. But first - The Triwizards Tournament.

"Now, as you all know, the Triwizards Tournament has not been held in over 200 years. Not since all three champions were injured in 1792 while trying to catch a Cockatrice. Now it's back.

(Fade from studio, bring up image of Hogwarts, exterior view on the lake side.)

(Clarkson voiceover): Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry: THE premier location for teaching magic on the British Isles

(Flash image of Dumbledore looking serious, holding his wand out, pointed down, tip glowing)

(Clarkson voiceover): Durmstang Institute: Rumored to be the haven of Dark and powerful magic

(Flash image of Headteacher Igor Karkaroff performing an evil looking spell)

(Clarkson voiceover): Beauxdatons Academy of Magic: A place of elegance and beauty

(Flash image of Fleur Delacour standing in front of Headmistress Olympe Maxime, arms folded in front of them, each holding their wand, with a serious look on their faces.)

(Clarkson voiceover): Each coming here seeking the 'Eternal glory' promised by winning the three tasks of the Triwizard Tournament - if they survive at all.

(Flash images of students / teachers from each school casting different spells in a in a loud, ferocious and accelerated manner - then suddenly cut to black and complete silence.)

(Fade in: Clarkson standing in the center of the Quidditch patch at Hogwarts)

(Clarkson): But that is only part of the activities that will be taking place at the Triwizards Tournament this year. This year, there will also be other contest between the schools. Contests of Knowledge, Dueling... and Quidditch.

(Hammond walking up to the Quidditch goal post stage right. Continuing on to meet Clarkson.)

(Hammond): Many in the magical community have seen this as an opportunity to break into a niche market. For example Nike and Spalding with special shoes and robes in dueling.

(May: Standing against the Quidditch stand. Slowly walks to meet other presenters in the field)

(May): You also have Universities such as Notre Dame, Oxford and Stuttgart working around the clock putting together aids that will help their countryman to perform their best during the Knowledge Bowl.

(Clarkson): But the biggest name are the companies that have stepped up to the plate to provide custom racing brooms for each of the schools. Mercedes Benz for Durmstrang; Renault for Beauxdatons; And a small English company called Lotus for Hogwarts. Each making their initial entry in the world of racing brooms at the biggest, most dangerous, most covered International Tournament... In the World!

(Outside shot, Black Forest Germany, Mercedes Benz new research and development building for racing brooms - AMG division. Show glimpse of surrounding woods and test track / obstacle course)

(Clarkson inside drafting room)

(Clarkson): Mercedes has spared no expense when it comes to their initial entry into the world of Quidditch. Here in the newly erected research and develop plant you will find a field of world renowned witches and wizards who have dedicated their life to broom production and improvement have all been called back to the Father-land to provide their compatriots the best broom money can provide.

Even Wernher von Braun was convinced to come out of retirement to spearhead this endeavor for Deutschland

The result is basically a broom that is the muggle equivalent of a Mercedes E-Class auto-mobile. It's big! It's fast! It's heavy! And it has some of the finest spells craftsmanship that the wizards in the AMG division can place on a broom. It's the Merc EBR-155:

0 - 60 MPH - 4.8 Seconds

0 - 100 MPH - 10.5 Seconds

Top Speed 155 MPH

It is said that to produce each of the 14 brooms that will be used in the Triwizards Tournament will cost 300,000 Galleons apiece! But, if the Quidditch matches prove to be a success, the work done here can easily be carried over to the manufacturing of premium broom from Europe and the world.

It doesn't hurt matters that Durmstrang has, perhaps THE FINEST seeker in the world under the age of 20 flying for them in the form of Victor Krum!

(Shot inside the World Quidditch Finals stadium: Victor Krum flying at top speed)

(Igor Karkaroff start with voiceover - Fade in Head Teacher): We are very pleased that Victor has decided to continue his education with us at Durmstrang after his successful showing at the World Quidditch finals. He clearly showed to the world that he is the best seeker at any level! He is typical of the caliber of student we have at Durmstrang, and are looking forward to him participating not only in the Quidditch Tournament, but also, possible as a Triwizards champion as well.

Mercedes has been very gracious in keeping Victor involved in the development of this special broom. It is being tuned to insure he can get the maximum performance from this fine product.

(Clarkson voiceover while showing more of Krum's flying): Yes, it seem that Mercedes Benz and Durmstrang are truly working in tandem to see that the Triwizards Quidditch cup comes to Deutschland, but what do the other schools have to say about that?

(Krum flying towards the camera - catches the snatch at the last moment - fade to black)



(May voiceover outside an old, rusted out industrial park in rural France)

Things are not as well-oiled here in France as they are in the Father-land. Apparently, Citroen was long thought to be in the forefront of the race to provide the brooms to Beauxbatons for the Triwizards Quidditch matches, but then, at the last minute, the French Ministry awarded the contract to Renault. A company, that until now, has had no presence in the broom market - at all.

(Algernon Bessette*, President of Renault Brooms) "We are very proud that the Ministry in it's infinite wisdom has seen it fitting to bestow this great opportunity on us to develop the finest broom France or the world has ever seen.

(May voiceover outside same rusted industrial park): But Renault has been slow to show their product. Unlike other broom makers like Cleansweep, Comet Brooms, or Nimbus, Renault does not have their own source of wood, or straw with which to build their own broom. Deadline after deadline have passed without broom. Finally, on the day prior to the contract being forfeited, Renault announces their broom: The Gallant 110!

(Renault test track - flier on Gallant 110 doing simple test: start / stops, and simple turns)

(May voiceover) Upon closer inspection the Gallant 110 looks very similar to the Comet Two Ninety. A broom that has been plagued with speed and handling. But frankly, being one who likes things a little bit slow, I like it.

(May walking on test track): The Gallant 110 is a broom you don't have to worry about getting hurt on. For one thing, the current top speed on this broom is only 60 Miles per Hour - if you have a good strong tail wind. But the braking on the broom is some of the best in the world. While the 0 to 60 time on the Gallant may be 5.6 seconds, the 0 to 60 to 0 time is only 8.9 seconds, showing the tremendous stopping power of the Gallant.

Will this be enough to give Beauxbatons a chance in the Quidditch Tournament? Probably not. But there are still several months left before the final product is do to be put to the test. Who knows? Maybe by that time they will have their broom working like a Firebolt?

(Fade to black)


(Hammond walking down a bright, modern industrial complex): Here in the United Kingdom, things were a little more complicated. On the one hand you have several well established and honored names in broom making: Cleansweep, Comet, Firebolt, Moontrimmer, and Nimbus. But most still rely on technology developed in the 1700's. Well, now, there is a new kid on the block!

(Streak of a broom flashes past the camera)

(Hammond voiceover - see an unknown flier testing the broom on an obstacle course): It's called the Elise BR, and like it's muggle counterpart, the Elise SC, it has some very impressive numbers.

0 - 60 MPH - 4.3 Seconds

0 - 100 MPH - 10.8 Seconds

Top Speed 145 MPH

The Elise BR is probably one of the most thoroughly tested new broom to come out. Under development for the past 7 years, the Triwizards Tournament is the ideal venue for to introduce this broom.

Ever since the granddaughter of Lotus founder, Colin Chapman, received her Hogwarts letter, Lotus has been looking at a way to get into this market, and now they have it.

(Colin Chapman) "I have always wanted to be more involved in this new world I find myself presented with, and while the Elise BR may be a little too much for Mary Elizabeth, it still makes be feel like I'm a part of her world also.

(Hammond voiceover - camera pans wide through the modern workbenches where the Elise BR are made): It may seem unusual for a muggle to be so involved in a strictly magical tool, it can also be said that Lord Chapman has taken every precaution as to insure the rest of the muggle world does not find out about us.

The Elise BR is a sight to behold. I can't wait to see how it preforms in the Triwizards Quidditch Tournament.

(Fade out Lotus - Fade in Top Broom studios - All three presenters present beside their brooms on the floor)

(Audience applauds as the lights come up)

(Clarkson): Thank you! Thank you! Quite a bit of difference between how these three brooms came about isn't there?

Our producers have obtained the final product from each of the manufactures and have decided that before we turn these over to Stig's magical cousin, that the three of us should first be forced to do a standing quarter mile race on the broom's that we reviewed. What do you think?

(Audience applauds and cheers wildly)

(Clarkson): Alright then, Show the pensive!

(Lights dim as the image from a large pensive is shown on the back of the studio wall)

(On the Top-Broom track. All three presenters in Quidditch gear. Clarkson's 'Pride of Portree' uniform has trouble closing around his mid-section. May's 'Puddlemere United' uniform is a little too big making it look like a piece of elephant skin hanging off him. Hammond's 'Ballycatle Bats' uniform look similarly like something a muggle would wear on one of those 2 wheeled motorized bi-cycles.)

(May) Can't we start with the brooms already hovering?

(Clarkson) No! The producers specificly stated that the brooms must start on the ground.

(Hammond) Can we just get on with this! I really don't want anyone to see me in this getup! I mean, really? I can see why they call them the 'Bats'.

(Clarkson) Alright, alright! We'll just put the brooms down and then go on three alright?

(Hammond) Sure, fine.

(May) Lets just get it over with.

(Clarkson) Alright. Ready?
One?
Two?
Up!
Three!

(May and Hammond) UP! You cheated! You cheated! Get back here you bastard! Oh cock!

(Clarkson voiceover) Even with my strategic advantage Hammond soon showed that the Lotus was indeed that quickest broom off the line, while my Mercedes was slowly starting to make up the difference. May, on the other hand was having some difficulties getting his Gallant off the line.

(Hammond voiceover) The Elise BR was performing magnificently as I quickly pulled ahead of my decrepit, deceitful co-host. I knew I would be faster at the start, but that the big Merc would be faster at the end, and at top speed. It was also carrying a MUCH larger flier than my broom, so I had to hope the combination of my speed and lack of weight would make up for Clarkson's massive charms - and bulk.

(Clarkson voiceover) About three quarters of the way through the race now, and I can see that I'm starting to pull the Lotus in, but will I get there in time? I'm getting closer! And closer! I'm to the tail of his broom now... and we're across the line! Hammond having won by less then a broom length!
Sometime later, May crosses the line at a fair clip.

(Fade out track - fade in studio)
(Audience applauds as the lights come up)

(Clarkson): I almost had you there Hammond! If the race had been just an other 100 yards I would have beaten you.

(Hammond): Yes, but you were only that close because you cheated! If we had started fairly all you would have seen is my twigs going down the track!

(Clarkson): Well, be that as it may, it's now time to turn the brooms over to the hands of our tame quidditch player; Some say he has it written in his contract that he is to be given a bezoar everyday he shows up to work to insure he's not poisoned on the job. Other say it's to replace the rock that falls out of his head every day as a result of an old quidditch wound. All we know, is that he is the Stig's magical cousin!

(Fade out studio - Fade in track)

(Clarkson voiceover) First will be the Merc EBR-155. And he's off! The big Merc is the heaviest of the three brooms being tested today, but also arguably the most powerful. The question is, will Stig's magical cousin have the chance to really open it up today?

He's already at Wilson corner in the flash of an eye! Boy, that Merc is quick! On to Chicago, here comes the first real test of the Merc's braking charm... and the Stig's magical cousin has no trouble with it at all. Now, it's on to the Hammerhead. This will test not only the braking charm, but also the stability and acceleration charms as well.

It looks like the Merc is a little nose heavy under hard breaking, but there is no vibration at all as he pushes it through the apex of the turn and on to the Follow-through. This is where you can really open it up and take advantage of all the work the wizards at AMG did. Is he holding back anything around the moat? NO! That looked awfully quick around there! Around Bentley corner heading to the last two corners pushing it as hard as he can.

Braking hard at Bacharach corner. Oh, he's loosing a lot of speed there! Around Gambon - His tail's getting a bit out of line - and across the finish line!

(Fade out track - fade in studio)
(Audience applauds as the lights come up)

(Clarkson): It did it in... One minute... Twenty... Seven point seven seconds! For the first time here on our Power lap board.

(Audience applauds)

(Clarkson): Next it's time for the French entry - The Renault Gallant 110!

(Fade out studio - Fade in track)

(May voiceover) And there he goes! This is actually the Gallant 130. It seems the French were able to make several 'improvement' since we visited with them. We'll see if it makes any difference.

He's at Wilson corner looking firm and steady! No need to worry about powering through the corners here. On to Chicago and again we see the Stig's magical cousin has no trouble with the Gallant at all. On to the Hammerhead. This will be the most challenging portion for this or any other broom today.

The Stig's magical cousin seems to be breaking much later on the Gallant than the Merc. I'm not sure if that's because of the weight of the Gallant vs the weight of the Merc, or the speed of each broom, or a combination ot the two.

The Gallant seems to under-steer a little coming out of the Hammerhead, but the Stig's magical cousin gets it back in control and on to the Follow-through. POWER! This is where you can really open it up. Will he holding back anything around the moat? NO! That looked comfortable around there! Around Bentley corner heading to the last two corners pushing it as hard as he can.

Braking hard at Bacharach corner. Not loosing as much speed as the Merc! Around Gambon - and across the finish line!

(Fade out track - fade in studio)
(Audience applauds as the lights come up)

(May): It did it in... One minute... Thirty... Nine point eight seconds!

(Audience applauds. Oh's and Aw's can also be heard)

(Hammond): And now it's time for the third and final entry in our Triwizards special - The Lotus Elise BR

(Fade out studio - Fade in track)

(Hammond voiceover) The Elise is the lightest of the three brooms being tested today, but it's power-to-weight ratio would rival that of the Merc.

He's already at Wilson corner already showing just how fast the Elise is off the line. Around the corner and on to Chicago in a heartbeat. Being lighter means that the Stig's magic cousin can brake later than he could on the Merc, while at the same time, accelerating quicker out of the corner. I think that is going to make a big difference in the time we see put up today. On to the Hammerhead, and the Lotus shows a near perfect balance between braking, stability, and acceleration out of the turn.

On to the Follow-through and the Stig's magical cousin is really opening it up now!. Will he hold back around the moat? NO! And is round Bentley corner quicker than you can blink an eye heading to the last two corners.

Braking hard at Bacharach corner. He's carrying a lot of speed through there! Around Gambon - LOOK AT HOW FAR OVER HE'S LEANING ON THAT BROOM AROUND GAMBON! - And across the finish line!

(Fade out track - fade in studio)
(Audience applauds as the lights come up)

(Hammond): That was a very, very impressive lap.

(Clarkson): It truly was, but what was the time?

(Hammond): It did it in... One minute... Twenty... Four point two seconds! Three and a half seconds faster than the Merc! It's just quicker off the line and lighter. Remember quidditch is played in a stadium 150 meters long by 55 meters wide, not an open field, I really think the quickness and acceleration of the Lotus will give the students from Hogwarts a big advantage in the matches.

(Audience applauds)

(Clarkson): That may be true, but having a fast broom does not guarantee success in a quidditch match. Remember, Durmstrang will more than likely have Krum flying for them. Who at Hogwarts can match him for just pure flying talent.

(May): Well, the scouting reports show that there are several seekers currently at Hogwarts that may give Krum a run for his money. You have Harry Potter, the youngest seeker in a century, currently a 4th year Gryffindor who has caught the snitch all but one time in all his games.

Cedric Diggory, a 7th year Hufflepuff who has the distinction of being the only seeker at Hogwarts to have beaten Mr. Potter. But it should be pointed out that the match was almost over run by Dementors who where looking for Sirius Black at the time.

Cho Chang, a 5th year Ravenclaw who has shown a great deal of promise.

And also Draco Malfoy, a 4th year Slytherin who was elected captain of his team. So Hogwarts will have several candidates to choose from.

(Clarkson): Well, I look forward to seeing how everyone performs during the tournament. But now, It's time to put a star on a reasonable-priced broom...

Fini

Authors Notes. I'm stopping the story here because I really don't know how I would finish the rest of the show.

If you would like to take it as a challenge, go ahead and give it a shot.

I love Top Gear and the chemistry the three presenters have together. Jeremy Clarkson can, and does get on my nerves once in a while, and James May needs to comb his hair and learn how to drive fast, but Richard Hammond is just a joy to watch and listen to. I'm very glad he recovered from the high speed crash he suffered in 2006. (crashed a jet dragster at 288 MPH!) Someone was watching over him THAT day.

If you haven't seen Top Gear, take the time to check it out. I'll never be able to afford the type of cars they test on their show, but it is just a joy to watch and listen to them - even if Jeremy doesn't like us over in the colonies.

I hope you enjoyed the story. If not, sorry. This was for me, not for you.

rdg2000

* Algernon Bessette - Bearded, low-born - The implication is that Renault got the bid for the brooms by other than proper methods. I have nothing against the French - some of my ancestors come from there. And not just the jailers or jail-birds (last name is Gale) - or the car company. But having been to Europe a few times and driven in the different cars, I'd take a Citroen over a comparable Renault every time. But than, that was about 15 years ago.
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