FicWad

Five months ago, beginning of spring.

Despite his fondness for the dark, the morning was actually Gerard’s favorite time of day especially when it was in bed with someone blissfully warm. Securely nestled within his arm and the maze of limbs and sheets was, in Gerard's opinion, the most beautiful girl in the world.

The abundance of cliché adoring and tender remarks that came to mind made him sick, but then most came without control. Making him feel intoxicated and peaceful, he watched her sleep in the morning glow and traced a lonely finger along the edges of her elaborately designed tattooed arms. Her heavy eye make-up and manic black hair made her a little rough, but Gerard found her creamy sepia skin most lovely. He noticed her beginning to surface when her light snoring stopped, after a few more minutes she reached up and scratched harshly where his fingers traced.

"Doll, that tickles!" She whined.

"Sorry, Spunky. I just love touching you so much!" His hands ruthlessly attacked her vulnerable zones; hips and ribs. She squealed but resistance was futile and began wrestling back in attempts to reach his kidneys and above his knees. The lovers writhed in playful aggression until an angry neighbor pounded vigorously on the wall of their headboard. They responded in fits of laughter.

"Oops, too loud again for gramps, again. ‘ Fookin' Americans, oother people live 'ere don't cha know?’ God Lux, don't cha got any respect?" She smirked seductively and wrapped her arms around Gerard's neck hovering a couple feet above her. He crouched on all fours above prepared to restrain her, but Lux slid an arched leg, firm from biking, from between his knees without resistance. She slowly rubbed the outside of his bare thigh.

"He wasn't complaining about the noise last night." Gerard groaned deeply and bit his lip; a beast in his stomach sprang to life at her touch. He lowered his weight onto her and wrapped his arms like a halo about Lux's head, gripping her disheveled hair in one hand and kissing the opposite side of her neck deeply with a bite. This time she groaned and rolled her body against his heaviness.

"Are you awake now?" He teased lovingly, breathing against her warm skin. Lux pulled him closer, pushed aside his long black hair to reach his jaw line, and planted a row of kisses, muttering as she went.

“Boy, you where me out." Reaching the end of the line, she deliberately sighed and focused her breath across his ear. Gerard tensed, aroused and perturbed. Although Lux surrounded his senses, when she nuzzled that inch of skin, Frank came to him suddenly. In his heart, he reluctantly knew that despite how much he cared for, and maybe even loved, this girl that inch was Frank's territory.

Perceptible Lux like always felt him tense and his attention slip away. She shifted beneath him to better look in his eyes.

“Babe, what is it? What's on your mind?” Gerard sat back on his heels and ran a hand through his bangs. Now that she called him out he couldn’t shake it, Frank was in the room just as much as they were and Gerard's internal organs spliced. "Babe?"

“I’m sorry, Hon, shit just came to mind. “

"Same shit as last night?" The closer the departure date on the plane ticket loomed, the very ticket he was painfully aware of sitting on his drafting table now, the more nightmares and anxiety attacks he felt at night. The life he worked on the past year and months was the closest to living it how he wanted, and returning to New Jersey meant confronting several remaining hurdles, the largest and most complex one being his sexuality. He posed little of it to question as far as it concerned Lux; he was aware how he felt for her. But there remained a sizeable piece of himself, present in Jersey that lived, breathed, and called his name. He denied the inevitable as long as he could.

“Gee, honey, is this about Frank?" He foolishly gaped at her in shock; it was transparent on his face. But the truth was he couldn't meet her eyes even when she scooted next to him and rested her hands on his knees. "Talk to me. I know it is on your mind. I can see it in your eyes. Not to mention you mumble in your sleep."

“I do? What did I say?" She laughed politely and moved to sit at the headboard, grabbed a pack of camel cigarettes, and fiddled with the plastic.

“First couple nights, you moaned his name." She paused a second to light up uncharacteristically in bed. Gerard's face flushed immediately and his heart lurched. "Then the last few nights you've had those night terrors again and you call out to him, but when I wake you up you don't seem to remember." Gerard admired the slow way Lux considered her cigarette, her words lingering with the smoke, but his embarrassment reminded him it was not the time to get distracted. She offered it to him to share which he accepted and was careful not to ash on the bed.

“Last night I dreamt he fell and I couldn't save him. We're somewhere I don't recognize but he's leaning over a railing and pointing down. Then he slips and I can't catch him in time. I try and jump too, but I always wake up." Without noticing, Gerard finished the cigarette to the filter. "Oh, sorry." Lux was already lighting another and handed it to him, keeping one for herself.

“Babe, don’t you see it? You're afraid to lose him. You love him don't you?" Without thinking Gerard replied.

“Of course I do. I've been in love with Frankie for years, but that doesn't mean we can be together." Caught by his candidness, he tried mumbling an apology but stopped when he noticed Lux’s peculiar expression. She didn’t seem sad; she seemed concerned.

“Baby, what do you mean by that? If you love him then what?"

"There is no ‘then what’ in Jersey. My parents would be cool with it, but what does that even mean? I mean, I'm not gay." Lux eyed him thoroughly. "Spunky, I'm not!" She put up her hands in surrender, unable to keep from smiling.

“Okay,"

"I'm not!" He cried incredulously.

“Okay! Okay, I believe you. I mean we have our own proof and ways to back it up." She cocked a suggestive eyebrow and squeezed his knee affectionately. He couldn't help but laugh because of the immediate reaction in his groin. He was definitely straight by that definition, but it still didn't explain why he was attracted to and in love with a man. Frank was a punk-rock kid, an amazing guitarist and by no means a puff. Being flamboyant and a pansy were inside jokes they shared but not accurate descriptions.

Fuck! Gerard cursed. He enjoyed thinking about Frank and above all he missed him dearly, but then he was even more confused than the day he left. He felt like a sullen child, angry at their homework for being too hard.
“Baby, come here. You're upset." Although it made him feel small, he cuddled next to Lux and let her entwine her shapely legs with his and curl around him protectively. "Look, she began "if you really love Frankie, then you got to figure out what your heart wants you to do. I care about you, Gerard, a lot, but I want you to be happy more than I want you."

“Spunky-"

"Hang on, I actually sound pretty smart here, and if you find out Frankie's the one than he’s a-" in breaking from her path, Gerard could hear her voice wavering. Now it was his turn to consol, and he sat straight against the wall and laid her head in his lap. Tears glistened in the corners of her brave brown eyes, but she pressed on. "And I want you to be honest with yourself. You know. If this, us, could be what you really want. So when you go home, don't be afraid to find yourself. No matter where, or with whom you find it.” Gerard pushed away the nervous tears with his thumbs and framed her heart shaped face with his calloused hands.

“Luxy, You are everything I want. But I don’t want to hurt you, and Frankie has a piece of me too big to ignore. It wouldn’t be right of me to ask you to wait, but I’m afraid to lose you too. I need to sort myself out first though.” Lux took a deep breath and exhaled slowly.

“Gee, let’s take a break while you go home so you can figure this out. That way you can do right by Frank and you. When you come back, if you still want to give his a try I’ll be here. If you don’t-“ She took another breath to center herself. “We’ll deal with that then. But no worries okay? Love is love, my love. We’re bound to it like willing prisoners.” She smiled into his curved palm through her tears. It warmed his fearful heart to hear her, and her understanding touched him. He leaned down to kiss her well articulated lips, traced them with his tongue and then kissed her again deeper. His heart still felt twisted and confused but bound with love to see both her and Frank through to conclusion. He cared for the both of them too much, and they represented two halves of one man.

The only thing he still feared, and it nestled within the dark corner of the cell in his heart, was the one he would hurt and the part of himself he would need to lock away with them to become one again.