FicWad

It seems as though I wake up sobbing. I hate my father so much. He’s killing me, and tonight proved it. I want to die more than ever. I’m in the bathroom, sawing away at my arms before I know how I got there. The pain is so bad. I can’t make it stop. I know I could end it all right now. I could curl up here, in the bathtub, slit my wrist, and it would slowly, peacefully come to an end.
My time with Sophie flashes behind my eyelids. She would be so sad if I was gone.
But she had other friends. She’d survive. I climb to my feet, leaning against the wall when I sway. I don’t want to be awake right now. I just want to sleep as long as I can. I’m terrified I’ll do something drastic and permanent if I stay conscious. So I take the pills my dad has downstairs and go back to my bedroom. Then all is dark.

“Go talk to him!” Sophie urges.
I fight the urge to roll my eyes at her. She’s just trying to help, after all. She doesn’t know. No one really knows.
“No,” I mutter, stopping at my locker.
She takes my hand and drags me across the hall to where he stands. “Hey, Ronnie, I’d like you to meet my friend Lacey.”
He turns to me, his blue eyes focusing on my brown ones, and smiles. “Hey, Lacey.”
I feel my face go red as I mumble, “hi.”
“You’re in my English class, right? I think we sit by each other?”
I nod.
“So how about that test yesterday? You’d think Ms. Smith was trying to kill us!”
“Oh, yeah, my heart nearly stopped at that last question.” Not really. I didn’t even go to that class yesterday.
He laughs. “Do you need help with those books?”
I’m really blushing now. I pass him my books and walk to English with him, Sophie grinning and giving me a thumbs-up behind his back.
Today might actually be okay.

I run Sophie’s brush through my long black hair, knowing Ronnie will arrive shortly. It’s too early. I can’t stop yawning. This is why I’m almost always late for school.
“Beautiful,” Sophie smiles as I hand back her brush.
I see Ronnie enter the nearest door through my peripheral vision. I smile and turn, but he doesn’t see me. He meets up with a girl at the end of the hall, takes her hand, and turns the corner with her. My heart drops to my feet. Sophie gasps. “Oh my gosh, I’m so sorry, Lacey! I didn’t know!”
“I’ll see you later,” I mumble, grabbing my bag and walking out the back door.

I sit in the cool shade of the bleachers all day, running my pen across the cuts on my arm, pretending I’m cutting, wishing it had the same kind of relief from the pain. Ronnie has a girlfriend. Ronnie moved on without a glance back, even a second’s hesitation, deserting me like all the others. Of course. I should have known. And yet…I wish he were here. With me. I miss him. I’ve known the guy for a day, and yet I feel like we’ve known each other for ever. I hate him. I hate his girlfriend. I hate this pen. I hate the cuts. I hate my arm. I hate myself.
“Hey.”
I glance up at Ronnie from under my thick hair, pulling my long sleeve down to cover my arm. “Hi.”
He sits next to me. “I noticed you weren’t in English. Have you been out here all day?”
I nod silently, my thoughts screaming at me to get away before he can make me smile and laugh again. Before he can make me hate his girlfriend even more.
He offers me half a sandwich. “That means you missed lunch. Hungry?”
I take it. Fuck, I am hungry. I haven’t eaten in nearly two days. “Thanks,” I say, taking a bite. I can’t leave now, he brought me food, dammit.
“Why did you skip class?”
“I just couldn’t do it.”
“Do what?”
“Sit through another day in there.” I gesture to the building.
He laughs softly. “Are you okay?”
I can’t help but meet his eyes then. No, I am not okay. I’m covered in bruises from my father and scars from my full year of cutting. I’m still starving and I feel like screaming at you right now. I want to bury my head in your shoulder and cry my eyes out in your arms to keep from killing myself just to escape this pain. No, Ronnie, I’m so far from okay it’s not even funny. I can’t stop the word before it escapes my mouth. “No.”
I regret the word as soon as it’s out. Why did I tell him that? Now he’s gonna ask me what’s wrong, and all that shit I can’t deal with.
He nods. “Do you need anything?”
I need someone to listen to me. Someone to prove that it matters whether I live or die. Someone to hold me steady, because I’m sure as hell not steady now. I’m almost unable to keep from saying yes when the bell rings, signaling the end of the school day and the end of this particular conversation. He gets up, helping me to my feet, his hand lingering over mine a second longer than necessary—a second I savor. “Do you need a ride home?” he asks.
“No, I’m fine, I usually just walk.”
“Come on. My car’s in the west lot.”

“I’m telling you, this is unnecessary,” I say ten minutes later, staring out the window of his rusty car.
He smiles. “I’m always willing to help a friend in need. Where’d you say you live again?”
“I’m not in need,”—yes I am—“and I live behind the old gas station on main street.”
“You mean…Mr. Stone’s place?”
I sigh. “Yeah, over by that area.”
“You’re…You’re his daughter, Lacey Stone!? Wow, I had no idea!”
“Why? Because I don’t drink myself shitless every night like dear old daddy? Because I don’t act stuck-up and ridiculous because my dad owns a fucking country club? Because my mom’s dead and I should be over her grave every day, mourning her, but the townspeople never see me? Because all the gossip says that I am a poor child with an alcoholic daddy and no mom? Fuck this. I can walk.” I open the door to his car (it’s stopped at a red light) and climb out.
“I’m sorry!” he yells after me, but he’s too late. I walk away down the street, ignoring him and everyone else in the world.
Ronnie is stupid. Ronnie is ignorant. Ronnie is everything I want and more.