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• The Feeling

  (#) ZENI7H 2011-05-23

  Lol... um this story is pretty crazy. Lemme just say that whoever said men will never understand women was absolutely correct. this story did make me laugh though.
  
  ok a couple things you might want to do in the future, skip a line between paragraphs and between dialog if you don't it all seems to run together in one large paragraph and it makes it hard to read.
  
  Secondly, you have many many run-on sentences. Sentences that go on and on connected with a comma. Concise sentences can go a lot further then rambling ones. Unless two things are very closely related they don't need to go in the same sentence, and even if they are related no more then 2 independent clauses before you should probably split it up.
  
  thirdly, you start many sentences with she said this, he did this, she thought this, etc. Although those are convenient pronouns they get very repetitive very quickly. Use other nouns, names, or descriptive nouns to replace pronouns or names.
  
  Lastly, I found a single typo: "I don't want to be want anybody else, "
  
  okay enough with mechanical grammar and wordplay. I really did laugh while I was reading this. Most of the characters seem pretty emo, in the extreme... to the point where i couldn't take most of them seriously. I will say that kyri kissing zaku imo was foolish at best, and tho kabuto probably should have come out with the truth in the beginning.. he didn't really do anything wrong until he tried to tell'er she couldn't leave. though with them both emotional perhaps she should have stayed to talk it out. Again though, Kyri certainly jumped to conclusions pretty quick simply because he didn't want a kid...
  
  anyways lol, the story was entertaining, I hope you'll write again :)
  
  if you have any questions about my review or in general feel free to email me.

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