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Jesus Christ,just found this,and nearly pissed myself laughing in the process.This is just so...Lorna.How very Lorna of her to make a joke out of death in her last dying moments.
Katherine.


Set scene;
There is a darkly lit room.Books,CD's and assorted cats are strewn across the floor.It looks like there has been a minor Hurricane Katrina passing in the area.The room is occupied by a bed,a wardrobe,a few guitars,and a bookshelf.Posters are half-falling from the wall.Kasabian's "Fire" is faintly played in the background,in a beautifully muffled drone that only drunk people seem to master.
Upon closer inspection,a girl is lying on the bed.She is short,with dirty blond hair.She looks about twelve,but if you asked her she'd probably sock you one you stupid motherfu-sorry,sorry.She's eighteen.She is reading The Communist Manifesto;not out of forced reading but out of general interest.Her lip is pierced and she bites her nail,despite it looking very unattractive and having red nails so it now looking like she has red fangs.Sexilicious.
Anyway,the blond girl is sitting on the bed.She is wearing "pajamas"-basically a Radiohead tour shirt and sweat pants.She is sprawled on the bed,headphones on,listening to Muse's "Origin of Symmetry" on her iPod.(Despite Kasabian playing in the background,I know.I'm just weird like that,dig?)It's her favourite album.It will be the last album she ever listens to.
She is alarmingly skinny,and her skin is pale,and shining a horrible shade of grey.She is drifting off to sleep,but every time she does she jolts herself awake.She is just about to fall asleep when a knock is heard on the door.Due to her headphones,she doesn't hear them.They knock louder,and shout.A tall,hooded figure with a cloaked face is at the door.
This is where we set out scene.


Death:Hey,you!Yeah,you!Open the damn door,will you?
Lorna:continues to bob head in time to Feeling Good
Death:muttersFor fuck's sake-HELLO!YEAH,COULD YOU LET ME IN PLEASE?!
Lorna:finally shrugs off headphonesAlright,man,chill.unlocks door
Death:Shut up.It was fucking raining out there.
Lorna:scoffs It's Ireland,man.We are the Rain People.
Death:Shut up.takes off stylish,Abercrombie-ish windbreaker "Waterproof" my ass...
Lorna:Whoa,whoa,stop right there,Keira Knightley.
Death:What-did you just call me Keira Knightley?
Lorna:Well,you're skinny as fuck,so...yeah.Whatcha gonna do bout it?
Death:Well...nothing.It's just kinda offensive,y'know?
Lorna:Okay,okay,I apologize.But,seriously,who the fuck are you?
Death:Oh right,yeah.I'm Death.
Lorna:Hmm.Really?Look kinda like a Jehovah's Witness door-to-door dude than Death.Like in Thank You For The Venom.starts to headbang bat shit crazily a la The 'Fro
Death:looking severely disturbedYeah,whatever kid,I'm just tryin to do my job.
Lorna:Okay,man,I can respect that.
Death:Can-can you stop calling me "man"?It's kind of creepy.This whole...situation is quite creepy actually.
Lorna:Alright,man-
Death:WHAT THE FUCK DID I JUST FUCKING SAY-
Lorna:-just do what you have to do.
Death:sighs and draws clipboard from cloakOkay.You are...Lorna Nigh...near...
Lorna:Ni Ionnrachtaigh.Like ni-un-rock-dig.
Death:scribbles down
Lorna:It means "savage killer"in Irish.
Death:Congratulations.Now,you're eighteen,that correct?
Lorna:Yup.I can wasted and it's perfectly okay.
Death:awkward pause Are you suggesting we should get wasted?
Lorna:No!No...just saying I can drink.I don't actually drink.I'm Straight Edge.
Death:Really?Yeah,yeah,my niece is that.Her name's Crista,you know her?
Lorna:Being Straight Edge does not mean I know every other Straight Edge person on the Earth.We're not a fucking association.
Death:No need to get snooty about it.Anyway-you diabetic?
Lorna:Is Gerard Way hot?
Death:awkward silence
Lorna:Yes,yes,that's a yes.
Death:scribbles
Lorna:Oh My God!spots Colt .45 from under Death's cloakCan I touch it?
Ke$ha's Tik Tok rings within the room
Lorna:Seriously?Ke$ha?Death's ringtone is Ke$ha?
Death:Shut up.picks up iPhoneHello?
Lorna:You have an iPhone?Can I play Doodle Jump?starts to claw at Death's face
Death:Oh hey Linda-WILL YOU FUCKING STOP-no,I'm not doing anything,I'm just-
Lorna:I WANT TO PLAY DOODLE JUMP!
Death:WHEN I'M FUCKING FINISHED!Sorry Linda,dealing with some idiot-
Lorna:I'm not the one with the Ke$ha ringtone here!
Death:Shut up!
Linda:on phonePhil,man,what's going on there?
Lorna:Oh,so Linda can call you man but I can't,that's fucking democratic.
Death:Honey,I'm going have to go,this one's giving me some trouble,its just a pain in the ass-
Lorna:"IT" HAS A NAME,"IT"'S NAME IS LORNA!
Death:Okay,okay.Uh-huh.No,eight's not good for me,Crista's got a violin recital-
Lorna:Crista's the Straight Edge one,am I right?Cause I actually think I know her from somewhere...
Death:Yeah.Yeah.Uh-huh.Definitely.Nine it is.I'll see you then,Lin.
Lorna:snaps fingersOh yeah!She served some kick-ass carrot cake at last year's meeting.Me and my friend Maria,who's also Straight Edge were there and we just fucking put on like ten pounds-
Death:Look,I'm on a tight schedule here,so if you don't mind...
Lorna:Oh,sure,yeah.
Death continues to scribble
Lorna:So...Phil and Linda,huh?
Death:looks up briefly,then looks back down What-oh.Yeah.
Lorna:How long?
Death:Five years.
Lorna:lets out low whistleNice.
Death:Yeah.I'm gonna propose to her tonight.
Lorna:Congratulations!That's so wonderful.
Death is still writing
Lorna:So...Phil,huh?That's weird.
Death:Why?
Lorna:shrugsDunno.I just assumed your name was Death.
Death:You kidding?What sort of a name is Death?
Lorna:Well...I dunno...what sort of a name is Phil?
Death:What sort of a name is Ni Whatever?
Lorna:Touché.
Death:Death is just like a job title.Phillip Wright is my real name.flashes IDSee?
Lorna:You're from Pretoria?
Death:Yeah,why?
Lorna:No shit,my mom was from there!
Death:Small world,isn't it?
Lorna:You met her before.Two years ago.
Death:Ah,yes.Frances.She was a nice lady.
Lorna:She was.So...we done here?
Death:looks around,and sighsYup,think so.You bringing anything?
Lorna:I can bring shit?!
Death:Er,yeah.It's heaven.You can do whatever the fuck you like.
Lorna:AWESOME!runs out of room
Death:sighs
Lorna returns,laden with
-Life On The Murder Scene
-Bullet In A Bible
-Pablo Honey
-HP laptop
-her cat,Atticus
-latest copy of Kerrang!
Death:No living things.
Lorna:Aw,come on!I can't leave him!
Death:Either that or-brandishes scythe-I kill him right here.
Lorna:gulps,looking down at the adorable three year old brown cat Nah.I'll see him when his time comes.
Death:Alright then.Which heaven you going to?
Lorna:Which one is Kurt Cobain in?
Death:Uh...flicks through clipboard Protestant.
Lorna:Protestant it is.
Death:Okay then.places scythe to her neck Any last words?And save the tears if you could,I've killed five Catholics today and Jesus...
Lorna:thinksIf polygamy was legal,I'd have Gerard Way,Thom Yorke,Billie Joe Armstrong and that dude from Skins.
Death:That it?
Lorna:Dulce et decorum est pro patria mori.Yeah,that's it.
Death:draws the scythe across her neck.Lorna falls.



Curtain close