FicWad

I sat there, staring at the laptop screen. What the fuck am i supposed to do? There is nothing to fucking do in this shithole of a fucking town, even if my 'friends' actually wanted to invite me to do anything. No, i'm just expected to sit in my bedroom like the fucking loner i am and hope i find something interesting on the internet. Yeah, because that is sooo much fun. Even my music is annoying me, I can't find the right song i want to listen to. I don't even know what song i want to fucking listen to, but i knew that it wasn't this one, or this one, or this one.

I slammed the laptop lid shut and reached for my folder full of my drawings, i opened it to a fresh piece of paper and fished a pencil from the pot next to my bed. I had my pencil poised, ready to make contact with the paper, but there weren't any ideas that would come to me.

I felt anger boil up in me and snapped the pencil in half and threw it across my room, hitting my mirror. I flopped my head back, smacking it against the wall behind my bed and pulling one of the many posters that decorated my wall down.

"For FUCK SAKE!" I screamed through gritted teeth; Throwing the closest thing to hand, which happened to be a bottle of paracetamol, after the broken pencil, this time it hit the cupboard next to my mirror.

I pulled my knees up to my chest and thumped my head down onto them, causing pain to shoot through my forehead. I didn't really care. I repeated it over and over, feeling the pain run down around my brow and into my eyes.

Oh great, now my 'best friend' had come round and went straight into my brother's room. Ever since they had started going out i had felt more and more isolated. I wasn't in the mood to hear her giggling whilst ignoring me completely. She didn't even bother to say hi. What a great friend you are. I wish she would just fuck off, but no, if i asked her to go home he'd get all pissy with me and probably end up us screaming at each other.

I'm fucking sick of this. I'm sick of constantly feeling like an outcast in my own room, i'm sick of being ignored, i'm sick of feeling worthless; that no-one will ever want me, i'm sick of fucking everything. I just want to fucking curl up in my bed and die. It's not as though anyone would fucking miss me. My dad's fucked off with that whore and hardly ever speaks to us anymore. Gerard's not interested in talking to me and when he does it's to start an argument or to annoy me. Dannii only ever fucking comes over to see Gerard. No-one at school would miss me, not like they really talk to me anyway. The only person who might miss me is my Mum and maybe Jenny.

I mean, what do i have to offer to the world? It's not as though i'm useful for anything. I just sit on this world and take up money, food, clothes and space, where someone else could have that.

Deep down, i know that's not true. I know that there are people that would miss me that aren't just Mum and Jenny. I just feel so fucking worthless.

I didn't realise i was crying until there was a sharp burn in the back of my throat and when i looked up my vision was blurred. The only person i want to talk to is my Dad, but that's not going to happen. He's moved halfway across the country and is five hours away. I just want a hug off him and for him to say it's all right. I miss him so fucking much.

I just don't know what to do. I try to scratch the tears away from my face, leaving it red and raw. People say that cutting helps but i don't want to be that emo kid who cuts himself all the time. I just want to run away from it all.

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Sorry, it's depressing. It's basically my mood at the moment. I just had to do something other than sit here and cry about nothing in particular.

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