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Dear Nelson,

A new guy started at work today - boy, is he cute and really different from the other blokes in our office! From the first time I saw him, I wanted to hold him so much - so I did, right up against the filing cabinet in my office. I'd like to get to know him better, what do you suggest I should do?

Yours,

Good Bad and Ugly (Manchester)

Dear Good Bad and Ugly,

Man have you got it bad. May I suggest that if you want to get to know him, that the two of you do an activity together somewhere neutral - how about going to the swimming baths?

Hope this helps,

Nelson.

Friday 9th March 1973

Dear Nelson,

I took your advice, and we went to the swimming baths together for the afternoon. For reasons I can't go into, we abandoned the baths, and went for a run down the canal instead. We ended up rolling around on the grassy bank, and he totally checked out the contents of my orange patterned swimming trunks! I think I'm in love! The only trouble is, I find it hard to express my true feeling to him in words, because he makes me go all shy, so I end up saying something sarcastic and cutting. He's so clever too - I just don't know what to in order move things on further.

Yours,

Good Bad and Ugly (Manchester)

Dear Good Bad and Ugly,

You say he's clever? Why not try and show him that you can be clever too, and take him out for the day somewhere interesting, where you can have some good conversations? I'm sure if you do, you'll have him eating out of your hand.

Yours,

Nelson

Friday 16th March 1973

Dear Nelson,

It's all gone wrong! I did as you said and invited him out on a day trip to explore our cities industrial heritage, in a working cotton mill, but for reasons I can't go into we found a dead body on the floor - which totally ruined our date. I'm also beginning to question if he has all his marbles. I mean, some of the stuff he comes out with is cute and quirky at the moment, but I'm really worried it's going to start to get on my nerves. Please help me!

Yours,

Good Bad and Ugly (Manchester)

Dear Good Bad and Ugly,

I'm so sorry your date didn't work out. How about a change in tactics? Does he like clubbing? Take him out and show him your dance moves - he'll be yours for sure by the end of the night.

Yours,

Nelson

Saturday 31st March 1973

Dear Nelson,

I took your advice again and things have gone from bad to worse! We went clubbing, and he spent the whole night dancing with some bird and not me! I then found out that he took her home one night this week and also that he's into some pretty kinky stuff. I won't go into too much detail, but handcuffs were involved. I'm just so desperate, what should I do!

PS - On a plus note my horse came in on the Grand National, so it's not all that bad.

Good Bad and Ugly (Manchester)

Dear Good Bad and Ugly,

Perhaps you should take a step back, and just ask him out for a drink one night after work. Keep it simple and who knows - he's bound to see what a great catch you are sooner or later.

Yours,

Nelson

Monday 30th April 1973

Dear Nelson,

I did as you suggested and took him for a drink. I even wore my new green shirt to impress him. For reasons I can't go into, we ended up running the pub for the night. I then got very drunk, and made a complete arse of myself by passing out on a table. Later he said I was very childish. I'm really in need of some good advice!

Good Bad and Ugly (Manchester)

Dear Good Bad and Ugly,

Gosh your case is a tricky one! Perhaps you should take an active interest in something he likes to do. Take up one of his hobbies, and see if that helps. If you share an activity together, it should bring you closer.

Yours,

Nelson

Tuesday 15th May 1973

Dear Nelson,

I'm just writing to tell you that I'm so happy - your advice worked a treat. I did as you said, and took an interest in one of his hobbies - kinky sex. For reasons I can't go into, I managed to get myself handcuffed to a radiator with him, for a couple of hours. Nothing else happened, but hey it's a start. I figure we can start with just being handcuffed together, and then build up something more in the future.

Thank you so much for the advice!

Good Bad and Ugly (Manchester)

Dear Good Bad and Ugly,

I'm so glad the advice worked. How about taking your new partner out for a nice romantic meal for two? Let him pick the restaurant, a man likes to think he's in charge in the relationship.

Yours,

Nelson

Thursday 7th June 1973

Dear Nelson,

I know it's been a while since I last wrote, but it's all gone wrong again. I took your advice and asked him out for a romantic meal for two, and I let him pick the restaurant as you suggested. Which was a big mistake, as we ended up going to a seedy cafe in Rusholme! - I mean I expected he'd take me somewhere far classier, like a Bernie Inn or something. Then when we were eating, he started to flip out, claiming the radio was talking to him! I mean, I used to find his little outbursts endearing, but now I'm starting to get worried that I've fallen in love with a nutcase.

What should I do Nelson?

Yours,

Good Bad and Ugly (Manchester)

Dear Good Bad and Ugly,

To tell you the truth, I've totally run out of ideas. Are you sure you aren't just using this "he's a nutcase", stuff as an excuse, because you are too weak to tell him the truth about how you feel. I think its crunch time - just tell the guy you love him, or end it.

Yours,

Nelson

Friday 29th June 1973

Dear Nelson,

Oh what am I to do - it's all gone completely pear shape! I tried to find the opportunity to tell him how I felt, but every time I did something got in the way. Firstly I think there is another man - who spookily has the same surname as him - I'm just so jealous! I went to try and stop him going after this other man, and he turned round and accused me of being,

"An overweight, over-the-hill, nicotine-stained, borderline alcoholic homophobe with a superiority complex and an unhealthy obsession with male bonding."

Then of all things he really flipped, and pointed a gun at me!

All is lost and I'm so depressed. I love him so much, but I can't see how he can ever be mine now!

Yours,

Good Bad and Ugly (Manchester)

Dear Good Bad and Ugly,

Look mate - here's the best bit of advice I'll ever give you...

...why don't you just piss off down the pub!

Yours,

Nelson