Categories > TV > WWE
3 Blonde Canadians
1 review3 Little Pigs with a WWE twist, I'm going with PG-13 for the cussing because otherwise it's rather tame....well there's some slash but very slight
1Funny
Title: 3 Blonde Canadians
Pairing: surprise ;)
Rating: PG-13 for slight swearing
Summary: 3 little pigs with a WWE twist
Warning: total CrackFic!
A/N: Honestly I found this half written story when I was cleaning out my room to pack for college and after reading through it I decided it wasn't half bad so rather than throw it out I decided to rewrite it and clean it up a bit. Also Jay's car apparently defies the laws of physics
so originally there wasn't going to be a pairing, but 2/3 the way through I figured a way to slash it up lol
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Once upon a time in a little city named Tampa there lived three blonde Canadians who were the best of friends. These three Canadians were a part of the great Vinnie Mac's giant wrestling creation, the WWE.
The tree blondes were each wrestlers for the different brands that Vinnie controlled, and they had just wrestled one of the paper views Sunday and were now going to collect their checks.
Having collected their paychecks from their last PPV they were surprised by their great fortune and came up with the idea to make a secret man cave they could visit while passing through with the company. All agreed that a man cave would be amazing to have, quite the valuable asset for wrestlers like them.
After much debating on the location the three friends decided the best route to go was to just each make their own. They figured if they went their separate ways then they'd have 3 amazing man caves instead! So splitting up they decided to have a contest over who could make the best man cave.
The first Canadian's name was Jay, he wrestled with ECW and he really enjoyed the great outdoors. He decided that his man cave would showcase that love so he cashed out his paycheck and made his way to the nearest Academy.
Strolling around the store looking at the bar-b-que pits and fishing line and hunting material Jay quickly realized that he didn't know a damn thing about any of this stuff. Tossing a crossbow over his shoulder Jay made his way out of the shop and walked across the street to the local Best Buy.
Once there he quickly found the largest sound system the store carried, it didn't quite rival McFly's amp choice he'd found at Doc's house, but it was definitely a massive sound system. Next he quickly scouted out the biggest TV the place had and piled on an extensive DVD collection. He then walked to the game aisle were he tossed in a PS3 and Xbox for good measure. Walking to the checkout line he grabbed a Wii. 'Gotta stay active,' he reasoned as he tossed the game station atop the massive pile of electronics he had garnered.
When everything had been rung up Jay handed over his check in full. He was rather pleased when he got a whooping 55 bucks back. It wasn't until after he managed to squeeze everything in his rental car that he realized his mistake.
"Fuck," he shouted as he realized he now had only 55 dollars to make the man cave.
Kicking the tire he groaned when the alarm went off. Reaching for his keys he dismissed the alarm and sighed.
Looking at the back of the vehicle at everything that had been piled in he smiled. "At least my man cave will have the greatest accessories," he said opening the door.
Driving away from Best Buy he stopped at a Home Depot. "How much wood can I buy for 55 dollars," he shouted as he stepped through the automated doors.
Sighing when he was greeted by absolute silence and a bunch of weird looks Jay palmed his face in frustration. "Seriously! How much wood can I buy for 55 bucks?"
When nobody answered him he trudged his way past the checkout and went to the nearest stack of plywood he could find. One look at the price tag and he was running out the door.
"Damn," he shouted once he was seated back in his car. "Can't buy any fucking wood," he whispered.
Banging his head against the steering wheel he silently cursed himself for not planning ahead. Around the fourth hit he noticed that the truck parked in front of him was loaded with hay and he suddenly got an idea.
Unlocking the door he ran across the parking lot to the truck and began to pull out bales of hay. Scurrying back to his car he began shoving the bales of hay into the passenger's seat trying to fit as many as he could.
Hearing a shout that sounded something like
"Hey what the fuck are you doing stealing my hay there skinny!"
Jay quickly pushed the final bale in as he attempted to close the door and peel out of the parking lot.
Half hanging out the car Jay drove off down the road trying to find his location that he wanted for the man cave. 25 minutes later he was on the open road nothing but country on either side so he took a sharp right and veered in to an empty field.
Unloading the bales of hay first Jay quickly went about making a fortress. 'And here people thought I'd been a sissy for taking home economics,' Jay mused as he began weaving together strands of hay to make the fortress walls.
"Who's laughing now," he shouted raising his fist to the air.
The hours began to go by and soon Jay had the exterior of the man cave built. Going back to his car he began to carry in the electronics positioning them inside the hideout.
Stepping back to admire his work Jay went to plug in the TV when he noticed no outlet. Cursing he went to his truck and pulled at a humongous ravel of cords. Plugging the TV into one end Jay began to unravel the cord as he walked across the field to the nearest farm house. Opening the barn door Jay plugged in the other end. 'Sharing is caring after all,' he thought as he began the walk back to his shelter.
Sighing contentedly he turned on the TV sitting down in front to enjoy one of the new movies he'd bought. As the Universal logo came across the screen Jay grinned. 'Oh yea, this sound system reeks of awesomeness,' he mused.
Wrapped up in the movie Jay didn't notice that his abnormally loud speakers were upsetting another individual who happened to live down the road.
Growling from where he lay in bed trying to sleep the evil Viper suddenly threw back the pillow he had covering his head and stood up angered by the intrusion to his naptime. Pulling on a pair of jeans he strapped on some boots and quickly exited his house trying to find the location of the offending sounds that dared keep him from dreamland.
He stalked down the road until he found the source; a shack made of…hay? Snarling the Viper walked up to the door, well he assumed it was the door the entire building was a pretty shoddy excuse for a house.
Knocking he yelled "Hey idiot turn down your fucking TV, nobody wants to hear 'Dude Where's My Car?' that loud."
There was a slight rustling and suddenly the door opened exposing the blonde Canadian to the Viper.
"What?" Jay shouted over the sound of his speakers.
"I said turn your fucking TV down you idiot!"
Jay cocked his head confused "No I'm sorry I don't subscribe to your religion," he shouted as he slammed the door shut in the Viper's face.
Grinding his teeth together the Viper stared at the door willing it to burst in to flames. When it didn't vaporize on the spot the Viper began wildly pounding on the door shouting at the top of his lungs.
"How dare you slam this door in my face! Get your ass back here and face me like a man," the Viper snarled. "Answer this fucking door, or I'll thrash and I'll smash and I'll punt this damn door down!"
Jay couldn't hear a single word the evil Viper was saying since his sound system was turned up so high so the treat fell on deaf ears.
Jay was however shaken out of his movie stupor when suddenly the entire house began to shake and was reduced to nothing more than discarded hay on the floor. Yelping Jay stood up backing away from the irritated Viper who had a crazy gleam in his eyes.
Licking his lips the Viper began to stalk his prey circling around the blonde as he prepared to strike.
Pointing to the sky behind the Viper Jay yelled out "Look a distraction," as he took off running for his car.
"Damnit! Why do they always run," the Viper sighed ruefully. He was prepared to just leave and go back home to sleep when Jay peeled out splashing mud all over the Viper.
Growling he wiped a streak of mud from his face and began running after Jay.
Screaming in disbelief Jay quickly picked up his cell dialing Adam.
"Hello?"
"Adam where the fuck are you," Jay yelled as he began swerving trying to lose the persistent Viper.
"At my man cave," Adam replied like it was common knowledge.
"Which is?" Jay asked getting impatient.
"Oh right, down by the swamps, it's a tree house," he replied rather proudly.
"I'm coming over," Jay announced before hanging up the phone making sure Adam couldn't protest.
Slamming on the gas pedal Jay willed his car to move faster as he navigated his way to the swamps to find his friend Adam, the second Canadian, a proud member of the Raw roster.
Adam had been friends with Jay since, well forever they did everything together, but when Jay had suggested the man cave be located in a country field and not his suggestion Adam had decided that they needed to do something alone for once.
Adam had taken his check to the bank to be cashed and decided that he needed to buy stuff for the man cave immediately.
Adam wasn't afraid to get down and dirty, and he enjoyed living life on the edge (A/N: yes horrible pun I know!), so he knew that he wanted to make the man cave as exciting as the life he led.
He knew that the ideal place to have an exciting man cave was the swamps. It was the perfect combination of danger and excitement that Adam wanted.
The first thing he did was go to Spencer's so he could buy posters for the cave. He got a little sidetracked however and started buying a bunch of the gifts people give as practical jokes and noise makers they had as well.
Next toting the bags he made his way to FYE and quickly gathered up an impressive collection of rock CDs as well as a few DVDs grabbing a DVD player and boom box and a mid-sized TV.
Driving to Sam Ash next he quickly picked out an entire slew of guitars and amps along with a drum kit and keyboard. Happy with his purchases Adam was pleased to find out that he still had a pretty solid piece left.
Loading everything up in his pick up truck Adam made his way over to Home Depot and picked up some plywood along with some two by fours and patio furniture. Strapping the two by fours to the top of his vehicle he watched in amusement as an old man went yelling after some idiot who had apparently stolen his hay.
"Who the hell steals hay?"
Shrugging Adam got inside his truck and took off to the nearest swamp. Once there he hauled off the first piece of plywood which he settled as a base along one tree's limbs.
Unloading the rest of the wood he had bought Adam set about his work trying to construct the man cave.
"Fuck," he whispered when he realized he hadn't bought anything for a roof. Scowling he looked back at his truck dismayed that that the man cave would be susceptible to rain and other weather mishaps.
"Oh duh," he shouted pulling out a tarp from the back of his truck. "And people say I'm not prepared."
Tossing the tarp over the top of the cave Adam smiled at his work. "Oh yea definitely an amazing cave," he replied smirking as he opened the door to walk inside the new hideout.
Grabbing one of the guitars Adam plugged it in the amp and turned that bitch to 11 as he began to jam out. He was a little ticked when his phone began vibrating and reluctantly he stopped playing and retrieved his cell.
"Hello?'
"Adam where the fuck are you," Jay yelled into the receiver sounding rather distracted.
"At my man cave," Adam replied nonchalantly absently toying with the whammy bar.
"Which is?" Jay asked sounding impatient.
"Oh right, down by the swamps, it's a tree house," he replied rather proudly.
"I'm coming over," Jay announced hastily as he hung up the phone making sure Adam couldn't protest.
Frowning Adam sighed. Leave it to Jay to disagree about somebody's idea and then want to mooch off them once it's been completed.
Shaking his head Adam placed the guitar down on its stand as he took a seat in one of the plastic chairs. Turning on the boom box he put in a KISS CD as he awaited Jay's arrival.
Nodding off Adam was awoken by the screeching of tires and a loud crash. Jumping up Adam stuck his head out the window just in time to see Jay step out of a rental car, which had smacked into a tree, stumbling slightly from the crash.
"Dude what's with the Fast and The Furious rejects driving?"
"Ha ha," Jay called out sarcastically. "Just let me into the cave, there's a freaking mad man chasing me!"
Smirking Adam looked down at Jay "nuh-uh what's the magic password."
Jay looked scared now as he checked behind his shoulder. "Adam you dick there is no fucking password!"
Adam laughed "Man you're good I didn't even tell you and you still got it."
Jay looked confused but decided to forget that and instead scrambled up the ladder to the man cave Adam had built.
Once inside Jay breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey this is kinda cool," he murmured as he took a look around the place.
Adam grinned 'Of course it is I built it."
"Dude is that the KISS Anthology," Jay squealed pointing to a box set by the boom box.
Adam nodded "what man cave is complete without some KISS?"
Jay nodded in agreement. "Well pop it in," he ordered.
Grabbing the set Adam put in the first disc and pressed play.
The two Canadians began to lip sync and mime their way through a KISS set, the danger of the evil Viper long forgotten.
Jay was air guitaring his way through Detroit Rock City when a loud banging resonated throughout the room.
Pressing pause Adam looked at Jay confused "did you invite Chris?" he asked quirking an eyebrow.
Jay shook his head "no, did you?"
Adam shook his head no. "Who is it then," he hissed.
Jay gulped "it's him," he whimpered making a motion of fangs.
"Dracula's at my fucking door!" Adam screeched.
Jay sighed "No! Dracula's not fucking here," he replied testily.
"Well then who is?"
The loud banging resonated again. "It is I Randy Orton the menacing Viper of the WWE. I have come to exact revenge on that scrawny blonde Canadian for slamming the door in the face of a superstar of my stature!"
"You slammed the door in Randy's face," Adam mouthed at Jay.
Jay nodded sheepishly "he was selling something…I think. I thought he was one of those Jehovah's Witness people," Jay hissed back at Adam.
"Now answer this fucking door or I'll have to knock it down," Randy bellowed from outside.
Sauntering to the door Adam opened it a crack. "Why hello there Randal," he replied smiling. "What brings you to my humble abode?"
"Are you deaf?" Randy sneered "I just told you why I'm here Adam now hand over that little twerp you call a friend and you can go about your boring little life."
Adam looked appalled "My life is far from boring 'Mr. I-go-through-a-gallon-of-oil-a-day'," he shouted.
"Cool it Copeland and just give me that little blonde boy from ECW."
Adam's eyes narrowed "I haven't the slightest clue what you mean."
"Oh come on, who do you think you're fooling, I saw his car crashed out front I know he's here," Randy spoke a tinge of danger in his voice.
Adam shook his head "nope, I think you're mistaken. That car is mine I use it in demolition derby's," he replied smiling.
Randy opened his mouth to remark 'just how stupid did Adam think he was' when Adam placed a hand on his chest pushing him back slightly.
"Now unless you're selling Girl Scout cookies would you please get off my porch, the real estate value is dropping every second you stay here. How many people do you think are going to want a house where a deranged shirtless man harasses the occupants?"
Randy was fuming now. Nobody ever shoved him out of the doorway. It was a privilege to touch him that wasn't given out easily and here was this buffoon of an Ex tag team partner abusing that right.
"Did you just-"
Adam's brow furrowed "what are you still doing here?" Sighing he looked at Randy "I really hate to do this but you leave me no choice," he said as he closed the door making sure to lock it too. "Bye Randy," he called out as he turned around to face Jay.
Jay looked white as a sheet, "Why'd you just do that," he stammered.
"Why would I sell out my best friend?"
"But he's going to tear down this house," Jay squeaked.
Adam scoffed "Bitch can try. I will have you know I reinforced this house with the best materials known to man."
"Adam duct tape doesn't solve everything," Jay groaned.
"Says who?" Adam asked annoyed.
"Its common knowledge Adam," Jay shot back.
Adam was about to shoot back a response when he was interrupted by some rather loud banging on the door and some screaming.
"Adam you better answer this fucking door, or I'll thrash and I'll smash and I'll punt this damn door down!"
Jay paled instantly and began running towards the second window. Adam however was bent over laughing. "Ha nice alliteration there Randy, you spend all night thinking that one up?"
There was a low growl and suddenly the house began to shake. Adam looked up scared as he felt the ground shift underneath him. Turning to face Jay Adam quickly followed after his friend diving head first out the window. Jay groaned pushing Adam off of him just in time to watch the man cave Adam had built be blown to smithereens.
"Get up," Jay hissed as he began stumbling towards Adam's pick up.
Pushing Jay out of the way Adam jumped behind the wheel and quickly started up the vehicle. Peeling out he took off like a bat out of hell.
"Get Chrissy on the phone," he hissed at Jay as he tried a serpentine pattern to lose Randy who had jumped down from the tree house hurdled Jay's forgotten rental and was now in hot pursuit of them.
"Already on it," Jay shot back as he sent worried looks to the rearview mirror occasionally to track Randy's progress. Putting the phone on speaker Jay listened to the cell ring.
"Hello."
"Chrissy?"
"What do you two Assclowns want," Chris replied sounding annoyed already.
Jay looked puzzled at the cell that was in his hand. "How'd you know Adam was with me?"
Chris sighed "when isn't he?"
Jay laughed "good point."
"Is this why you called me? Cuz I will have you know that my time is far too important for stupid games like this."
"Chris we need cover," Adam yelled as he swerved the truck taking an illegal U-turn.
"From what?"
Jay rolled his eyes, "Adam ticked off Randy and now the resident Viper of the WWE is after us."
Adam glared at Jay "you ticked him off first! If you wouldn't have slammed the door in his face we wouldn't be in this mess right now," he yelled.
"Must we delve in technicalities," Jay sighed. "Anyway, Chrissy we need a place to crash from Orton."
The line was quiet as Chris thought it over.
"Chrissy?" came Jay's voice as he tentatively called out for his friend.
Sighing Chris finally answered. "Yea I'm down town off of 5th street."
"You're amazing Chrissy," Jay shouted excitedly.
"I know I am, not that it hurts to be told again."
Adam rolled his eyes; Chris, ever the ham.
Hanging up Jay looked to Adam handing over a pair of sunglasses. "We're on a mission from God," he replied as he slipped his on.
"Dude that's from Blues Brothers," Adam exclaimed as he ran a red light.
"Shut up and just drive," Jay shot back sulking from his spot in the passenger's seat.
Chris was the third Canadian and a member of Smackdown; he had known Jay and Adam from the beginning of his wrestling career with WWE. Usually the three of them got along well and were able to agree on things rather easily. Actually the truth is other than the man cave Chris was usually successful in convincing one of the others to agree with him and majority ruled. When the man cave came in to question however, Chris hadn't been so lucky in convincing them of his location.
So rather than concede to either Adam or Jay's location Chris had thrown a fit insisting they each make their own. He gave the shitty excuse of having three man caves being better than just one. In reality he just really wanted to have his man cave because he knew the perfect location.
Like usual Jay and Adam had agreed that Chris had a brilliant plan and the three had parted to each make their own man caves. After Jay and Adam had left Chris took off to the bank to cash his check.
With his new funds Chris set off to buy things for his man cave. See he was a smart man and so rather than build a cave from hand he had simply bought an old concrete building that at one time used to be a rec-house down town, now he just had to decorate it accordingly.
The first place he stopped off at was Lay-Z Boys to pick out some sofas and recliners. He wanted nothing but the best so he passed over the tacky cloth rags and went straight for the leather sofas in the back. Piling them in the back of his U-Haul he had rented he set off for the next stop on his list.
Next he went to Best Buy and bought a kick ass TV and sound system. Bose speakers, only the best for his man cave. He strolled past the CDs and scoffed. 'They wish they had as extensive a collection as I do.'
Next he made his way to Spencer's and Hot Topic so he could buy some posters to liven up the place. Trying to decide between one of him and the Raw roster, The Beatles, Batman, and a trippy psychedelic poster he decided he made enough to buy them all. After all only the best would grace the walls of his man cave.
Stopping by Don & Ben's next he loaded up on enough alcohol to make Phil go into shock upon sight and have Steve sated for months.
Scratching his head Chris tried to think what he was missing for the man cave. 'Let's see I've got liquor, posters, TV, sound system, furniture, the place has a Jacuzzi and pool, I have my old guitars there already,' Chris mused as he tried to think what could be missing
That's when it hit him, "of course! How could I forget that?" he spoke as he grabbed a welcome mat from the store he'd just left. "This will do nicely," he replied rolling it up and walking to the U-Haul.
Driving back to the concrete building he now owned Chris jammed out to some speed metal. Hands down his was going to be the best man cave he was sure of it!
Once back to the building Chris called up his tag team partner Paul and a few others, there was no way in hell he would be unloading everything by himself. When the guys got there Chris disappeared to get them something to eat, at least that's the excuse he gave Paul, Glenn, Mike, John, Matt, Wade, and Ezekiel. In truth he had already bought them pizza that he planned to warm up once the cave had been set up.
A few hours later he strolled back in to the living room with 10 pizza boxes a smile plastered on his face "Man you guys are the best, I don't know how to thank you, but I hope you enjoy this pizza," he spoke coolly.
As soon as the last piece was eaten Chris quickly ushered the men out of his newly set up man cave claiming to be ill and not wanting any visitors. Mike was persistent having laid eyes on the guitar hero set up that Chris had made, so Chris delivered a swift kick and quickly locked the door behind the so called "Awesome one".
Dusting his hands off Chris turned on the TV and began playing GH. He shook his head in disbelief, 'you think the guys would learn by now' he mused. 'Oh well my man cave is newly furnished.'
In the middle of his guitar challenge against Slash the phone rang. Thrown off by the annoying ring tone Chris missed a string of notes and watched pitifully as his character was decimated by Slash and booed off stage.
"This better be good," he muttered picking up the phone.
"Hello," he sighed slightly pissed that whoever had called had interrupted his game.
"Chrissy?"
Chris' eyes narrowed he knew that voice. Jay.
"What do you two Assclowns want," Chris replied annoyed.
"How'd you know Adam was with me," Jay asked puzzlement evident in his voice.
Chris sighed "when isn't he?"
Jay laughed "good point."
"Is this why you called me? Cuz I will have you know that my time is far too important for stupid games like this."
"Chris we need cover," Adam yelled rather frantically.
"From what," Chris asked intrigued. 'What could these two idiots have possibly gotten themselves into this time?'
"Adam ticked off Randy and now the resident Viper of the WWE is after us," Jay supplied.
"You ticked him off first! If you wouldn't have slammed the door in his face we wouldn't be in this mess right now," Adam yelled.
"Must we delve in technicalities," Jay sighed. "Anyway, Chrissy we need a place to crash from Orton."
Chris was quiet. He needed to think about what Jay and Adam had just told him. Randy fucking Orton was chasing after them hell bent on blood. Chewing his bottom lip Chris pondered the predicament. He had been trying to get Orton's attention as of late, perhaps these two bone heads hadn't screwed up at all. If Orton was chasing them and he invited them over surely the Viper would have to show up at his place too. The logic seemed flawless to Chris so he smiled preparing to give his answer.
"Chrissy?" came Jay's voice breaking through Chris' thinking
Sighing Chris finally answered. "Yea I'm down town off of 5th street."
"You're amazing Chrissy," Jay shouted excitedly.
"I know I am, not that it hurts to be told again," Chris spoke before hanging up the phone.
Smiling evilly Chris went to go set up the Jacuzzi that was in the back room, if the Viper was coming over he was going to have everything just perfect.
His GH battle long forgotten he turned off the game station and instead put on some real thinking music, Metallica's Master of Puppets and set about making sure the place was nice and tidy for the approaching Viper. He was setting out a plate of snacks when he heard tires screech and the sound of trashcans clatter against the pavement.
Rolling his eyes he knew that was the arrival of Adam and Jay. Walking to the door he opened it up, "so you say Randy's chasing you?"
Jay nodded yes furiously before pushing his way inside, Adam followed closely behind.
"Wow!"
Chris smiled "you like what you see?"
"Chris this is the best man cave ever!"
"It must have taken forever to pour the cement," Jay added looking around.
Chris sighed rubbing his forehead leave it to Jay not to catch the obvious. "I didn't pour the cement idiot, I bought it."
"Oh," Jay spoke quietly. "Still, this place is amazing!"
Adam nodded in agreement, "Yea you have everything!"
Chris smirked "Well I think it's safe to say my man cave wins, solidifying yet again that I am in fact 'The Best in the World at What I Do'."
Adam and Jay both nodded yes, conceding victory to Chris.
"Hey is that Metallica Guitar Hero," Adam asked running to the TV.
"Really," Jay asked following Adam to the TV.
Chris shook his head as he watched Jay and Adam fight over who got what controller. 'They're such kids,' Chris thought as he took a seat in one of the recliners.
"Hey Chrissy, why are you so dressed up," Jay asked once he'd wrestled away the controller he wanted from Adam.
Chris rolled his eyes. "I'm not dressed up; I just have more class than most people. I take pride in what I wear, so excuse me for not stooping to the level of those hypocrites who fill the stands in their ratty clothes."
Jay didn't hear Chris, he was too focused on picking a song, and Chris sighed frustrated. 'Jay's rather annoying sometimes, ok most times, basically all the time,' Chris thought.
Sipping casually from his glass of GG Chris watched with minimal interest at his two friends as they battled their way against one another to the song 'One'. He was waiting for Randy to show up already and to be honest their display was boring him, had they been battling on Expert instead of Hard he might have been interested.
It wasn't until they were mid way through Unforgiven and Chris had a good buzz going that he heard a loud pounding on the door.
Adam and Jay instantly froze turning to face the door a look of terror on both their faces.
Chris grinned putting down his drink. "Randy's here," he replied cheerfully.
Adam looked at Chris like he was crazy. "That man is trying to kill us and you're excited he's here?"
Chris smiled "now why would a nice respectable man like Randy want to kill you two? He's far too busy to be worrying about a couple of Assclowns like you guys."
"Hey," Jay responded offended. "He really is trying to kill us!"
Chris rolled his eyes. "Whatever helps you sleep at night," he spoke turning to go answer the door.
"What the hell does warm milk have to do with anything," Jay shouted.
Chris gave him a weird look but then realized that Jay was responding to his previous comment. Shaking his head Chris continued to the door.
Opening the door Chris came face to face with Randy.
"Hey there Randy, I wasn't expecting any visitors."
Randy looked at Chris unconvinced. "Sure, then why's Adam's car crashed outside."
Chris smiled "like I said I wasn't expecting any visitors."
Randy smirked "well if you could hand over those two stowaways I will be on my way."
Chris frowned "well if that's the case I'm not handing them over."
The smirk fell from Randy's face and his eyes narrowed "are you refusing my orders?"
Scoffing Chris leaned against the door jam "more like reinterpreting them."
Randy cocked his head sideways trying to size up Chris. "Who do you think you are?"
Chris opened his mouth ready to respond in a sarcastic manner when a crazed man from across the street with a pair of binoculars around his neck yelled out
"It doesn't matter what you think!"
Chris laughed at Randy who was staring up at the crazed man.
"You shut your mouth old man before I add you to my list of legends I have killed!"
"Oooh I'm shaking in my boots," the man shot back.
"Watch your tongue before I have to go up there and RKO you into next week," Randy yelled back at the man.
"No you watch it, before I have to come down there and layeth the smacketh down on your candyass!"
Randy looked ready to explode at that last comment, and would have had Chris not put a hand on his shoulder as he stepped out on the porch.
"Hey Dwayne, shut the hell up!"
Randy looked down at Chris impressed. "Are you always this aggressive?"
Chris smiled "I can be if you want," he replied winking.
Randy licked his lips "look I've been chasing those two idiots you call friends for the last 3 hours, and if I don't go in there and get them they're gonna think they have the upper hand and I'm a coward, so what do you propose we do instead? You obviously have something else in mind."
Chris nodded "I do have a plan," he replied as he tiptoed up whispering Randy.
Randy looked at Chris a bit unsure but nodded nonetheless. "Alright I'll play your game," he said smirking.
"How dare you talk down to me the legend killer, the future of this company! Now I tried to reason with you, and play nice because frankly I like you, I admire how you see something and just go and capture it, but this disrespect has gone too far," Randy shouted making sure that he would be heard by Adam and Jay who were no doubt cowering behind a leather couch.
Chris was smothering giggles as he nodded for Randy to go on.
"You leave me no choice; I will have to use force!"
Clearing his throat Chris looked back at Randy "you talk a big game Orton but can you actually back it? If you were as big a threat as you say, why'd you have to reason with me? Look I find it endearing that you would travel all over Florida just so you could talk with me, but I'm not giving up my friends. Frankly me standing here arguing with you isn't really worth my time so if you'd excuse me I really must be going," Chris replied smirking as he closed the door.
Counting to 5 in his head Chris smiled when he heard Randy begin yelling, the man never missed a cue.
"Goddammit Chris how dare you slam the door in my face! You better answer this fucking door, or I'll thrash and I'll smash and I'll punt this damn door down!"
Chris feigned boredom as he cast a look to Adam and Jay who were cowering in fear.
"Chris why the fuck would you do that after we told you how he's trying to kill us because Jay slammed the door in his face," Adam yelled.
"Oh please Randy's not gonna do anything. He's all talk," Chris added trying to assure Adam.
There was a loud thump and then a howl could be heard from outside the door.
Jay looked up from behind Adam. "Is he dead?"
Adam rolled his eyes "no you idiot he's obviously in pain, can't you hear him still yelling out there?"
Chris shook his head "why don't you two do whatever it is you guys do, I'm gonna go check on Randy. Can't have a half-naked man screaming on my front porch, what will the neighbors think," he clarified winking at Adam.
Nodding Adam grabbed Jay dragging him to the pool, "bet I can do laps faster than you can," he shouted as they took off sprinting.
Opening the door Chris looked down at Randy "I said to fake hitting the door; you didn't have to really punt it you know?"
Randy rolled his eyes as he pushed himself up to a standing position "I don't fake things," he replied getting close to Chris.
Chris shivered at the feel of Randy's breath on his skin. "Really now," he whispered.
Randy nodded placing a kiss to Chris' cheek before trailing his tongue across his neck. "Now what was the second part of your plan?"
Chris gulped excitedly "I have a new Jacuzzi I'm just dying to break in, wanna help?"
Randy grinned "I thought you'd never ask," he replied walking through the front door.
Chris turned to follow Randy when Dwayne began heckling him from across the street.
"I knew you were a strudel man! No way has a man who had long blonde hair like you eaten pie," Dwayne shouted from his window.
Randy watched as Chris turned to face Dwayne. "Hey it's not worth it lets just go inside," Randy spoke trailing a hand down Chris' back. "We got better things to do than spat with that crazy fool."
Chris shook his head "I got this," he said cockily as he eyed Dwayne.
"Hey Steve, get your boyfriend on a better leash and teach him some fucking manners before I have to go over there and whoop his ass!"
Dwayne's face burned bright red as he quickly retreated from the window and slammed it shut.
Chris turned back to Randy "we won't be bothered by him anymore," he replied winking. "Now where were we? Oh yes, Jacuzzi time," he said grabbing Randy's hand as he led the younger man to the back room.
"I told you he wasn't dead," Adam replied after Randy and Chris exited the living room.
Jay pouted slightly. "I thought we wouldn't have to worry about him anymore," he mumbled. Suddenly brightening up Jay looked at Adam expectantly "if Chrissy's dating Randy does that save us from death?"
Adam cocked his head "I don't know Jay, but why don't you go ask them," he replied knowing he was setting up his friend, but hey it was fun messing with Jay.
Jay nodded and took off bounding towards the back room "Hey Chrissy!"
Adam doubled over on the floor knowing Jay was about to create all sorts of mayhem.
"AAAAAADDDDDDDAAAAAAMMMM!!!!"
Looking up like a deer caught in the headlights Adam whispered "oh shit," knowing he'd been linked to Jay's mishap. Running out of the house Adam yelled "every man for himself," as he took off sprinting down 5th street.
Pairing: surprise ;)
Rating: PG-13 for slight swearing
Summary: 3 little pigs with a WWE twist
Warning: total CrackFic!
A/N: Honestly I found this half written story when I was cleaning out my room to pack for college and after reading through it I decided it wasn't half bad so rather than throw it out I decided to rewrite it and clean it up a bit. Also Jay's car apparently defies the laws of physics
so originally there wasn't going to be a pairing, but 2/3 the way through I figured a way to slash it up lol
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Once upon a time in a little city named Tampa there lived three blonde Canadians who were the best of friends. These three Canadians were a part of the great Vinnie Mac's giant wrestling creation, the WWE.
The tree blondes were each wrestlers for the different brands that Vinnie controlled, and they had just wrestled one of the paper views Sunday and were now going to collect their checks.
Having collected their paychecks from their last PPV they were surprised by their great fortune and came up with the idea to make a secret man cave they could visit while passing through with the company. All agreed that a man cave would be amazing to have, quite the valuable asset for wrestlers like them.
After much debating on the location the three friends decided the best route to go was to just each make their own. They figured if they went their separate ways then they'd have 3 amazing man caves instead! So splitting up they decided to have a contest over who could make the best man cave.
The first Canadian's name was Jay, he wrestled with ECW and he really enjoyed the great outdoors. He decided that his man cave would showcase that love so he cashed out his paycheck and made his way to the nearest Academy.
Strolling around the store looking at the bar-b-que pits and fishing line and hunting material Jay quickly realized that he didn't know a damn thing about any of this stuff. Tossing a crossbow over his shoulder Jay made his way out of the shop and walked across the street to the local Best Buy.
Once there he quickly found the largest sound system the store carried, it didn't quite rival McFly's amp choice he'd found at Doc's house, but it was definitely a massive sound system. Next he quickly scouted out the biggest TV the place had and piled on an extensive DVD collection. He then walked to the game aisle were he tossed in a PS3 and Xbox for good measure. Walking to the checkout line he grabbed a Wii. 'Gotta stay active,' he reasoned as he tossed the game station atop the massive pile of electronics he had garnered.
When everything had been rung up Jay handed over his check in full. He was rather pleased when he got a whooping 55 bucks back. It wasn't until after he managed to squeeze everything in his rental car that he realized his mistake.
"Fuck," he shouted as he realized he now had only 55 dollars to make the man cave.
Kicking the tire he groaned when the alarm went off. Reaching for his keys he dismissed the alarm and sighed.
Looking at the back of the vehicle at everything that had been piled in he smiled. "At least my man cave will have the greatest accessories," he said opening the door.
Driving away from Best Buy he stopped at a Home Depot. "How much wood can I buy for 55 dollars," he shouted as he stepped through the automated doors.
Sighing when he was greeted by absolute silence and a bunch of weird looks Jay palmed his face in frustration. "Seriously! How much wood can I buy for 55 bucks?"
When nobody answered him he trudged his way past the checkout and went to the nearest stack of plywood he could find. One look at the price tag and he was running out the door.
"Damn," he shouted once he was seated back in his car. "Can't buy any fucking wood," he whispered.
Banging his head against the steering wheel he silently cursed himself for not planning ahead. Around the fourth hit he noticed that the truck parked in front of him was loaded with hay and he suddenly got an idea.
Unlocking the door he ran across the parking lot to the truck and began to pull out bales of hay. Scurrying back to his car he began shoving the bales of hay into the passenger's seat trying to fit as many as he could.
Hearing a shout that sounded something like
"Hey what the fuck are you doing stealing my hay there skinny!"
Jay quickly pushed the final bale in as he attempted to close the door and peel out of the parking lot.
Half hanging out the car Jay drove off down the road trying to find his location that he wanted for the man cave. 25 minutes later he was on the open road nothing but country on either side so he took a sharp right and veered in to an empty field.
Unloading the bales of hay first Jay quickly went about making a fortress. 'And here people thought I'd been a sissy for taking home economics,' Jay mused as he began weaving together strands of hay to make the fortress walls.
"Who's laughing now," he shouted raising his fist to the air.
The hours began to go by and soon Jay had the exterior of the man cave built. Going back to his car he began to carry in the electronics positioning them inside the hideout.
Stepping back to admire his work Jay went to plug in the TV when he noticed no outlet. Cursing he went to his truck and pulled at a humongous ravel of cords. Plugging the TV into one end Jay began to unravel the cord as he walked across the field to the nearest farm house. Opening the barn door Jay plugged in the other end. 'Sharing is caring after all,' he thought as he began the walk back to his shelter.
Sighing contentedly he turned on the TV sitting down in front to enjoy one of the new movies he'd bought. As the Universal logo came across the screen Jay grinned. 'Oh yea, this sound system reeks of awesomeness,' he mused.
Wrapped up in the movie Jay didn't notice that his abnormally loud speakers were upsetting another individual who happened to live down the road.
Growling from where he lay in bed trying to sleep the evil Viper suddenly threw back the pillow he had covering his head and stood up angered by the intrusion to his naptime. Pulling on a pair of jeans he strapped on some boots and quickly exited his house trying to find the location of the offending sounds that dared keep him from dreamland.
He stalked down the road until he found the source; a shack made of…hay? Snarling the Viper walked up to the door, well he assumed it was the door the entire building was a pretty shoddy excuse for a house.
Knocking he yelled "Hey idiot turn down your fucking TV, nobody wants to hear 'Dude Where's My Car?' that loud."
There was a slight rustling and suddenly the door opened exposing the blonde Canadian to the Viper.
"What?" Jay shouted over the sound of his speakers.
"I said turn your fucking TV down you idiot!"
Jay cocked his head confused "No I'm sorry I don't subscribe to your religion," he shouted as he slammed the door shut in the Viper's face.
Grinding his teeth together the Viper stared at the door willing it to burst in to flames. When it didn't vaporize on the spot the Viper began wildly pounding on the door shouting at the top of his lungs.
"How dare you slam this door in my face! Get your ass back here and face me like a man," the Viper snarled. "Answer this fucking door, or I'll thrash and I'll smash and I'll punt this damn door down!"
Jay couldn't hear a single word the evil Viper was saying since his sound system was turned up so high so the treat fell on deaf ears.
Jay was however shaken out of his movie stupor when suddenly the entire house began to shake and was reduced to nothing more than discarded hay on the floor. Yelping Jay stood up backing away from the irritated Viper who had a crazy gleam in his eyes.
Licking his lips the Viper began to stalk his prey circling around the blonde as he prepared to strike.
Pointing to the sky behind the Viper Jay yelled out "Look a distraction," as he took off running for his car.
"Damnit! Why do they always run," the Viper sighed ruefully. He was prepared to just leave and go back home to sleep when Jay peeled out splashing mud all over the Viper.
Growling he wiped a streak of mud from his face and began running after Jay.
Screaming in disbelief Jay quickly picked up his cell dialing Adam.
"Hello?"
"Adam where the fuck are you," Jay yelled as he began swerving trying to lose the persistent Viper.
"At my man cave," Adam replied like it was common knowledge.
"Which is?" Jay asked getting impatient.
"Oh right, down by the swamps, it's a tree house," he replied rather proudly.
"I'm coming over," Jay announced before hanging up the phone making sure Adam couldn't protest.
Slamming on the gas pedal Jay willed his car to move faster as he navigated his way to the swamps to find his friend Adam, the second Canadian, a proud member of the Raw roster.
Adam had been friends with Jay since, well forever they did everything together, but when Jay had suggested the man cave be located in a country field and not his suggestion Adam had decided that they needed to do something alone for once.
Adam had taken his check to the bank to be cashed and decided that he needed to buy stuff for the man cave immediately.
Adam wasn't afraid to get down and dirty, and he enjoyed living life on the edge (A/N: yes horrible pun I know!), so he knew that he wanted to make the man cave as exciting as the life he led.
He knew that the ideal place to have an exciting man cave was the swamps. It was the perfect combination of danger and excitement that Adam wanted.
The first thing he did was go to Spencer's so he could buy posters for the cave. He got a little sidetracked however and started buying a bunch of the gifts people give as practical jokes and noise makers they had as well.
Next toting the bags he made his way to FYE and quickly gathered up an impressive collection of rock CDs as well as a few DVDs grabbing a DVD player and boom box and a mid-sized TV.
Driving to Sam Ash next he quickly picked out an entire slew of guitars and amps along with a drum kit and keyboard. Happy with his purchases Adam was pleased to find out that he still had a pretty solid piece left.
Loading everything up in his pick up truck Adam made his way over to Home Depot and picked up some plywood along with some two by fours and patio furniture. Strapping the two by fours to the top of his vehicle he watched in amusement as an old man went yelling after some idiot who had apparently stolen his hay.
"Who the hell steals hay?"
Shrugging Adam got inside his truck and took off to the nearest swamp. Once there he hauled off the first piece of plywood which he settled as a base along one tree's limbs.
Unloading the rest of the wood he had bought Adam set about his work trying to construct the man cave.
"Fuck," he whispered when he realized he hadn't bought anything for a roof. Scowling he looked back at his truck dismayed that that the man cave would be susceptible to rain and other weather mishaps.
"Oh duh," he shouted pulling out a tarp from the back of his truck. "And people say I'm not prepared."
Tossing the tarp over the top of the cave Adam smiled at his work. "Oh yea definitely an amazing cave," he replied smirking as he opened the door to walk inside the new hideout.
Grabbing one of the guitars Adam plugged it in the amp and turned that bitch to 11 as he began to jam out. He was a little ticked when his phone began vibrating and reluctantly he stopped playing and retrieved his cell.
"Hello?'
"Adam where the fuck are you," Jay yelled into the receiver sounding rather distracted.
"At my man cave," Adam replied nonchalantly absently toying with the whammy bar.
"Which is?" Jay asked sounding impatient.
"Oh right, down by the swamps, it's a tree house," he replied rather proudly.
"I'm coming over," Jay announced hastily as he hung up the phone making sure Adam couldn't protest.
Frowning Adam sighed. Leave it to Jay to disagree about somebody's idea and then want to mooch off them once it's been completed.
Shaking his head Adam placed the guitar down on its stand as he took a seat in one of the plastic chairs. Turning on the boom box he put in a KISS CD as he awaited Jay's arrival.
Nodding off Adam was awoken by the screeching of tires and a loud crash. Jumping up Adam stuck his head out the window just in time to see Jay step out of a rental car, which had smacked into a tree, stumbling slightly from the crash.
"Dude what's with the Fast and The Furious rejects driving?"
"Ha ha," Jay called out sarcastically. "Just let me into the cave, there's a freaking mad man chasing me!"
Smirking Adam looked down at Jay "nuh-uh what's the magic password."
Jay looked scared now as he checked behind his shoulder. "Adam you dick there is no fucking password!"
Adam laughed "Man you're good I didn't even tell you and you still got it."
Jay looked confused but decided to forget that and instead scrambled up the ladder to the man cave Adam had built.
Once inside Jay breathed a sigh of relief. "Hey this is kinda cool," he murmured as he took a look around the place.
Adam grinned 'Of course it is I built it."
"Dude is that the KISS Anthology," Jay squealed pointing to a box set by the boom box.
Adam nodded "what man cave is complete without some KISS?"
Jay nodded in agreement. "Well pop it in," he ordered.
Grabbing the set Adam put in the first disc and pressed play.
The two Canadians began to lip sync and mime their way through a KISS set, the danger of the evil Viper long forgotten.
Jay was air guitaring his way through Detroit Rock City when a loud banging resonated throughout the room.
Pressing pause Adam looked at Jay confused "did you invite Chris?" he asked quirking an eyebrow.
Jay shook his head "no, did you?"
Adam shook his head no. "Who is it then," he hissed.
Jay gulped "it's him," he whimpered making a motion of fangs.
"Dracula's at my fucking door!" Adam screeched.
Jay sighed "No! Dracula's not fucking here," he replied testily.
"Well then who is?"
The loud banging resonated again. "It is I Randy Orton the menacing Viper of the WWE. I have come to exact revenge on that scrawny blonde Canadian for slamming the door in the face of a superstar of my stature!"
"You slammed the door in Randy's face," Adam mouthed at Jay.
Jay nodded sheepishly "he was selling something…I think. I thought he was one of those Jehovah's Witness people," Jay hissed back at Adam.
"Now answer this fucking door or I'll have to knock it down," Randy bellowed from outside.
Sauntering to the door Adam opened it a crack. "Why hello there Randal," he replied smiling. "What brings you to my humble abode?"
"Are you deaf?" Randy sneered "I just told you why I'm here Adam now hand over that little twerp you call a friend and you can go about your boring little life."
Adam looked appalled "My life is far from boring 'Mr. I-go-through-a-gallon-of-oil-a-day'," he shouted.
"Cool it Copeland and just give me that little blonde boy from ECW."
Adam's eyes narrowed "I haven't the slightest clue what you mean."
"Oh come on, who do you think you're fooling, I saw his car crashed out front I know he's here," Randy spoke a tinge of danger in his voice.
Adam shook his head "nope, I think you're mistaken. That car is mine I use it in demolition derby's," he replied smiling.
Randy opened his mouth to remark 'just how stupid did Adam think he was' when Adam placed a hand on his chest pushing him back slightly.
"Now unless you're selling Girl Scout cookies would you please get off my porch, the real estate value is dropping every second you stay here. How many people do you think are going to want a house where a deranged shirtless man harasses the occupants?"
Randy was fuming now. Nobody ever shoved him out of the doorway. It was a privilege to touch him that wasn't given out easily and here was this buffoon of an Ex tag team partner abusing that right.
"Did you just-"
Adam's brow furrowed "what are you still doing here?" Sighing he looked at Randy "I really hate to do this but you leave me no choice," he said as he closed the door making sure to lock it too. "Bye Randy," he called out as he turned around to face Jay.
Jay looked white as a sheet, "Why'd you just do that," he stammered.
"Why would I sell out my best friend?"
"But he's going to tear down this house," Jay squeaked.
Adam scoffed "Bitch can try. I will have you know I reinforced this house with the best materials known to man."
"Adam duct tape doesn't solve everything," Jay groaned.
"Says who?" Adam asked annoyed.
"Its common knowledge Adam," Jay shot back.
Adam was about to shoot back a response when he was interrupted by some rather loud banging on the door and some screaming.
"Adam you better answer this fucking door, or I'll thrash and I'll smash and I'll punt this damn door down!"
Jay paled instantly and began running towards the second window. Adam however was bent over laughing. "Ha nice alliteration there Randy, you spend all night thinking that one up?"
There was a low growl and suddenly the house began to shake. Adam looked up scared as he felt the ground shift underneath him. Turning to face Jay Adam quickly followed after his friend diving head first out the window. Jay groaned pushing Adam off of him just in time to watch the man cave Adam had built be blown to smithereens.
"Get up," Jay hissed as he began stumbling towards Adam's pick up.
Pushing Jay out of the way Adam jumped behind the wheel and quickly started up the vehicle. Peeling out he took off like a bat out of hell.
"Get Chrissy on the phone," he hissed at Jay as he tried a serpentine pattern to lose Randy who had jumped down from the tree house hurdled Jay's forgotten rental and was now in hot pursuit of them.
"Already on it," Jay shot back as he sent worried looks to the rearview mirror occasionally to track Randy's progress. Putting the phone on speaker Jay listened to the cell ring.
"Hello."
"Chrissy?"
"What do you two Assclowns want," Chris replied sounding annoyed already.
Jay looked puzzled at the cell that was in his hand. "How'd you know Adam was with me?"
Chris sighed "when isn't he?"
Jay laughed "good point."
"Is this why you called me? Cuz I will have you know that my time is far too important for stupid games like this."
"Chris we need cover," Adam yelled as he swerved the truck taking an illegal U-turn.
"From what?"
Jay rolled his eyes, "Adam ticked off Randy and now the resident Viper of the WWE is after us."
Adam glared at Jay "you ticked him off first! If you wouldn't have slammed the door in his face we wouldn't be in this mess right now," he yelled.
"Must we delve in technicalities," Jay sighed. "Anyway, Chrissy we need a place to crash from Orton."
The line was quiet as Chris thought it over.
"Chrissy?" came Jay's voice as he tentatively called out for his friend.
Sighing Chris finally answered. "Yea I'm down town off of 5th street."
"You're amazing Chrissy," Jay shouted excitedly.
"I know I am, not that it hurts to be told again."
Adam rolled his eyes; Chris, ever the ham.
Hanging up Jay looked to Adam handing over a pair of sunglasses. "We're on a mission from God," he replied as he slipped his on.
"Dude that's from Blues Brothers," Adam exclaimed as he ran a red light.
"Shut up and just drive," Jay shot back sulking from his spot in the passenger's seat.
Chris was the third Canadian and a member of Smackdown; he had known Jay and Adam from the beginning of his wrestling career with WWE. Usually the three of them got along well and were able to agree on things rather easily. Actually the truth is other than the man cave Chris was usually successful in convincing one of the others to agree with him and majority ruled. When the man cave came in to question however, Chris hadn't been so lucky in convincing them of his location.
So rather than concede to either Adam or Jay's location Chris had thrown a fit insisting they each make their own. He gave the shitty excuse of having three man caves being better than just one. In reality he just really wanted to have his man cave because he knew the perfect location.
Like usual Jay and Adam had agreed that Chris had a brilliant plan and the three had parted to each make their own man caves. After Jay and Adam had left Chris took off to the bank to cash his check.
With his new funds Chris set off to buy things for his man cave. See he was a smart man and so rather than build a cave from hand he had simply bought an old concrete building that at one time used to be a rec-house down town, now he just had to decorate it accordingly.
The first place he stopped off at was Lay-Z Boys to pick out some sofas and recliners. He wanted nothing but the best so he passed over the tacky cloth rags and went straight for the leather sofas in the back. Piling them in the back of his U-Haul he had rented he set off for the next stop on his list.
Next he went to Best Buy and bought a kick ass TV and sound system. Bose speakers, only the best for his man cave. He strolled past the CDs and scoffed. 'They wish they had as extensive a collection as I do.'
Next he made his way to Spencer's and Hot Topic so he could buy some posters to liven up the place. Trying to decide between one of him and the Raw roster, The Beatles, Batman, and a trippy psychedelic poster he decided he made enough to buy them all. After all only the best would grace the walls of his man cave.
Stopping by Don & Ben's next he loaded up on enough alcohol to make Phil go into shock upon sight and have Steve sated for months.
Scratching his head Chris tried to think what he was missing for the man cave. 'Let's see I've got liquor, posters, TV, sound system, furniture, the place has a Jacuzzi and pool, I have my old guitars there already,' Chris mused as he tried to think what could be missing
That's when it hit him, "of course! How could I forget that?" he spoke as he grabbed a welcome mat from the store he'd just left. "This will do nicely," he replied rolling it up and walking to the U-Haul.
Driving back to the concrete building he now owned Chris jammed out to some speed metal. Hands down his was going to be the best man cave he was sure of it!
Once back to the building Chris called up his tag team partner Paul and a few others, there was no way in hell he would be unloading everything by himself. When the guys got there Chris disappeared to get them something to eat, at least that's the excuse he gave Paul, Glenn, Mike, John, Matt, Wade, and Ezekiel. In truth he had already bought them pizza that he planned to warm up once the cave had been set up.
A few hours later he strolled back in to the living room with 10 pizza boxes a smile plastered on his face "Man you guys are the best, I don't know how to thank you, but I hope you enjoy this pizza," he spoke coolly.
As soon as the last piece was eaten Chris quickly ushered the men out of his newly set up man cave claiming to be ill and not wanting any visitors. Mike was persistent having laid eyes on the guitar hero set up that Chris had made, so Chris delivered a swift kick and quickly locked the door behind the so called "Awesome one".
Dusting his hands off Chris turned on the TV and began playing GH. He shook his head in disbelief, 'you think the guys would learn by now' he mused. 'Oh well my man cave is newly furnished.'
In the middle of his guitar challenge against Slash the phone rang. Thrown off by the annoying ring tone Chris missed a string of notes and watched pitifully as his character was decimated by Slash and booed off stage.
"This better be good," he muttered picking up the phone.
"Hello," he sighed slightly pissed that whoever had called had interrupted his game.
"Chrissy?"
Chris' eyes narrowed he knew that voice. Jay.
"What do you two Assclowns want," Chris replied annoyed.
"How'd you know Adam was with me," Jay asked puzzlement evident in his voice.
Chris sighed "when isn't he?"
Jay laughed "good point."
"Is this why you called me? Cuz I will have you know that my time is far too important for stupid games like this."
"Chris we need cover," Adam yelled rather frantically.
"From what," Chris asked intrigued. 'What could these two idiots have possibly gotten themselves into this time?'
"Adam ticked off Randy and now the resident Viper of the WWE is after us," Jay supplied.
"You ticked him off first! If you wouldn't have slammed the door in his face we wouldn't be in this mess right now," Adam yelled.
"Must we delve in technicalities," Jay sighed. "Anyway, Chrissy we need a place to crash from Orton."
Chris was quiet. He needed to think about what Jay and Adam had just told him. Randy fucking Orton was chasing after them hell bent on blood. Chewing his bottom lip Chris pondered the predicament. He had been trying to get Orton's attention as of late, perhaps these two bone heads hadn't screwed up at all. If Orton was chasing them and he invited them over surely the Viper would have to show up at his place too. The logic seemed flawless to Chris so he smiled preparing to give his answer.
"Chrissy?" came Jay's voice breaking through Chris' thinking
Sighing Chris finally answered. "Yea I'm down town off of 5th street."
"You're amazing Chrissy," Jay shouted excitedly.
"I know I am, not that it hurts to be told again," Chris spoke before hanging up the phone.
Smiling evilly Chris went to go set up the Jacuzzi that was in the back room, if the Viper was coming over he was going to have everything just perfect.
His GH battle long forgotten he turned off the game station and instead put on some real thinking music, Metallica's Master of Puppets and set about making sure the place was nice and tidy for the approaching Viper. He was setting out a plate of snacks when he heard tires screech and the sound of trashcans clatter against the pavement.
Rolling his eyes he knew that was the arrival of Adam and Jay. Walking to the door he opened it up, "so you say Randy's chasing you?"
Jay nodded yes furiously before pushing his way inside, Adam followed closely behind.
"Wow!"
Chris smiled "you like what you see?"
"Chris this is the best man cave ever!"
"It must have taken forever to pour the cement," Jay added looking around.
Chris sighed rubbing his forehead leave it to Jay not to catch the obvious. "I didn't pour the cement idiot, I bought it."
"Oh," Jay spoke quietly. "Still, this place is amazing!"
Adam nodded in agreement, "Yea you have everything!"
Chris smirked "Well I think it's safe to say my man cave wins, solidifying yet again that I am in fact 'The Best in the World at What I Do'."
Adam and Jay both nodded yes, conceding victory to Chris.
"Hey is that Metallica Guitar Hero," Adam asked running to the TV.
"Really," Jay asked following Adam to the TV.
Chris shook his head as he watched Jay and Adam fight over who got what controller. 'They're such kids,' Chris thought as he took a seat in one of the recliners.
"Hey Chrissy, why are you so dressed up," Jay asked once he'd wrestled away the controller he wanted from Adam.
Chris rolled his eyes. "I'm not dressed up; I just have more class than most people. I take pride in what I wear, so excuse me for not stooping to the level of those hypocrites who fill the stands in their ratty clothes."
Jay didn't hear Chris, he was too focused on picking a song, and Chris sighed frustrated. 'Jay's rather annoying sometimes, ok most times, basically all the time,' Chris thought.
Sipping casually from his glass of GG Chris watched with minimal interest at his two friends as they battled their way against one another to the song 'One'. He was waiting for Randy to show up already and to be honest their display was boring him, had they been battling on Expert instead of Hard he might have been interested.
It wasn't until they were mid way through Unforgiven and Chris had a good buzz going that he heard a loud pounding on the door.
Adam and Jay instantly froze turning to face the door a look of terror on both their faces.
Chris grinned putting down his drink. "Randy's here," he replied cheerfully.
Adam looked at Chris like he was crazy. "That man is trying to kill us and you're excited he's here?"
Chris smiled "now why would a nice respectable man like Randy want to kill you two? He's far too busy to be worrying about a couple of Assclowns like you guys."
"Hey," Jay responded offended. "He really is trying to kill us!"
Chris rolled his eyes. "Whatever helps you sleep at night," he spoke turning to go answer the door.
"What the hell does warm milk have to do with anything," Jay shouted.
Chris gave him a weird look but then realized that Jay was responding to his previous comment. Shaking his head Chris continued to the door.
Opening the door Chris came face to face with Randy.
"Hey there Randy, I wasn't expecting any visitors."
Randy looked at Chris unconvinced. "Sure, then why's Adam's car crashed outside."
Chris smiled "like I said I wasn't expecting any visitors."
Randy smirked "well if you could hand over those two stowaways I will be on my way."
Chris frowned "well if that's the case I'm not handing them over."
The smirk fell from Randy's face and his eyes narrowed "are you refusing my orders?"
Scoffing Chris leaned against the door jam "more like reinterpreting them."
Randy cocked his head sideways trying to size up Chris. "Who do you think you are?"
Chris opened his mouth ready to respond in a sarcastic manner when a crazed man from across the street with a pair of binoculars around his neck yelled out
"It doesn't matter what you think!"
Chris laughed at Randy who was staring up at the crazed man.
"You shut your mouth old man before I add you to my list of legends I have killed!"
"Oooh I'm shaking in my boots," the man shot back.
"Watch your tongue before I have to go up there and RKO you into next week," Randy yelled back at the man.
"No you watch it, before I have to come down there and layeth the smacketh down on your candyass!"
Randy looked ready to explode at that last comment, and would have had Chris not put a hand on his shoulder as he stepped out on the porch.
"Hey Dwayne, shut the hell up!"
Randy looked down at Chris impressed. "Are you always this aggressive?"
Chris smiled "I can be if you want," he replied winking.
Randy licked his lips "look I've been chasing those two idiots you call friends for the last 3 hours, and if I don't go in there and get them they're gonna think they have the upper hand and I'm a coward, so what do you propose we do instead? You obviously have something else in mind."
Chris nodded "I do have a plan," he replied as he tiptoed up whispering Randy.
Randy looked at Chris a bit unsure but nodded nonetheless. "Alright I'll play your game," he said smirking.
"How dare you talk down to me the legend killer, the future of this company! Now I tried to reason with you, and play nice because frankly I like you, I admire how you see something and just go and capture it, but this disrespect has gone too far," Randy shouted making sure that he would be heard by Adam and Jay who were no doubt cowering behind a leather couch.
Chris was smothering giggles as he nodded for Randy to go on.
"You leave me no choice; I will have to use force!"
Clearing his throat Chris looked back at Randy "you talk a big game Orton but can you actually back it? If you were as big a threat as you say, why'd you have to reason with me? Look I find it endearing that you would travel all over Florida just so you could talk with me, but I'm not giving up my friends. Frankly me standing here arguing with you isn't really worth my time so if you'd excuse me I really must be going," Chris replied smirking as he closed the door.
Counting to 5 in his head Chris smiled when he heard Randy begin yelling, the man never missed a cue.
"Goddammit Chris how dare you slam the door in my face! You better answer this fucking door, or I'll thrash and I'll smash and I'll punt this damn door down!"
Chris feigned boredom as he cast a look to Adam and Jay who were cowering in fear.
"Chris why the fuck would you do that after we told you how he's trying to kill us because Jay slammed the door in his face," Adam yelled.
"Oh please Randy's not gonna do anything. He's all talk," Chris added trying to assure Adam.
There was a loud thump and then a howl could be heard from outside the door.
Jay looked up from behind Adam. "Is he dead?"
Adam rolled his eyes "no you idiot he's obviously in pain, can't you hear him still yelling out there?"
Chris shook his head "why don't you two do whatever it is you guys do, I'm gonna go check on Randy. Can't have a half-naked man screaming on my front porch, what will the neighbors think," he clarified winking at Adam.
Nodding Adam grabbed Jay dragging him to the pool, "bet I can do laps faster than you can," he shouted as they took off sprinting.
Opening the door Chris looked down at Randy "I said to fake hitting the door; you didn't have to really punt it you know?"
Randy rolled his eyes as he pushed himself up to a standing position "I don't fake things," he replied getting close to Chris.
Chris shivered at the feel of Randy's breath on his skin. "Really now," he whispered.
Randy nodded placing a kiss to Chris' cheek before trailing his tongue across his neck. "Now what was the second part of your plan?"
Chris gulped excitedly "I have a new Jacuzzi I'm just dying to break in, wanna help?"
Randy grinned "I thought you'd never ask," he replied walking through the front door.
Chris turned to follow Randy when Dwayne began heckling him from across the street.
"I knew you were a strudel man! No way has a man who had long blonde hair like you eaten pie," Dwayne shouted from his window.
Randy watched as Chris turned to face Dwayne. "Hey it's not worth it lets just go inside," Randy spoke trailing a hand down Chris' back. "We got better things to do than spat with that crazy fool."
Chris shook his head "I got this," he said cockily as he eyed Dwayne.
"Hey Steve, get your boyfriend on a better leash and teach him some fucking manners before I have to go over there and whoop his ass!"
Dwayne's face burned bright red as he quickly retreated from the window and slammed it shut.
Chris turned back to Randy "we won't be bothered by him anymore," he replied winking. "Now where were we? Oh yes, Jacuzzi time," he said grabbing Randy's hand as he led the younger man to the back room.
"I told you he wasn't dead," Adam replied after Randy and Chris exited the living room.
Jay pouted slightly. "I thought we wouldn't have to worry about him anymore," he mumbled. Suddenly brightening up Jay looked at Adam expectantly "if Chrissy's dating Randy does that save us from death?"
Adam cocked his head "I don't know Jay, but why don't you go ask them," he replied knowing he was setting up his friend, but hey it was fun messing with Jay.
Jay nodded and took off bounding towards the back room "Hey Chrissy!"
Adam doubled over on the floor knowing Jay was about to create all sorts of mayhem.
"AAAAAADDDDDDDAAAAAAMMMM!!!!"
Looking up like a deer caught in the headlights Adam whispered "oh shit," knowing he'd been linked to Jay's mishap. Running out of the house Adam yelled "every man for himself," as he took off sprinting down 5th street.
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