Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > I'm Not Okay
2 Gerard’s POV
I’m used to my brother being lost in his head, but not normally is it so obvious. Normally, I don’t realise he is there; almost never know he is hurting. But today, it is so prominent. I glance at Frankie, then Ray and then Bob. Their faces confirm that it’s not just me who thinks Mikey is acting peculiar today.
“Is he okay?” Ray’s voice was laced with concern. I don’t think Mikey has ever spoke to any of them, but still Ray’s consideration for others makes him question my brother. I sigh, rearranging my bag awkwardly on my shoulder.
“I don’t know mate. Sometime he seems fine, other times... I just don’t know what’s going on.” Ray nods understandably. I don’t let it plague me. Mikey is level headed, he can sort out anything. He always has done in the past.
“Fuck out my way, you emo freaks.” Automatically, stay out of trouble mode is activated and we split as the captain of the football team enters the gates. I warily eye Bob as his eyes narrow dangerously. Bob had a track record of snapping, especially in situations like this. Ray presses his hand into Bob’s back, a warning for him to calm down. We all get our fair share of violence but Bob seemingly goes looking for it. Once the guy had gone, I quickly walk forward. I don’t want anyone else to come past and anger Bob. Frankie sees my plan and smiles brightly.
“That cake was amazing Bob.” He chimes cheerfully. Bob’s face softens. When he is angry, it is terrifying. He will literally not stop punching. But when he cooks... I smile despite myself at the thought of a soft sponge cake crafted by Bob. Trust Frankie to know how to immediately defuse a situation like that.
“It wasn’t that great...” He replies sheepishly, fists unclenching. Ray too joined in, an avid fan of Bob’s culinary skills.
“It was, accept the fucking compliment.” Ray claps Bob on the back. They were both right, of course. Bob had baked a beautiful chocolate cake after Frankie had his finger broken by one of the jocks in school. It cheered him up, and the rest of us when he invited us over it eat it.
Entering English meant that I had to leave Frankie and Bob as they had a different lesson for the morning. I hate English. In fact, I hate every subject except art. And that’s only because I don’t get the shit taken out of me because the desks are too far apart. Then, I can lose myself in a drawing of a vampire of a painting of Batman, while laughing at Frankie’s attempt at drawing Speedball. English, however, means that even at the back of the class I am susceptible to the jeers and stabs of my classmates practicing their English in the forms of streams of insults. Two hours of it, two hours of insults, and it is just boring now. Sure, I used to get upset, but now it’s just incredibly dull. But at least I have Ray, though all we really do is read comic books. This lesson I have the new Avengers comic and so that at least wastes the lesson until lunch.
Frankie is waiting for us outside. I greet him warmly, avoiding the streams of people jeering as the three of us walk away from them.
“Bob got into a fight.” Frankie informs us when there were less people around. I groan internally. When Bob gets into a fight, it means he really gets into it. I’ve only ever seen it a couple of times as I have so many lessons without him but it’s a weekly thing for Frankie.
“What happened?” Ray immediately begins investigating. Frankie shrugs nervously.
“I wasn’t there, I don’t know. He left for the toilet and then he didn’t show up for the lesson. I heard some of the football team talking about it.” Frank looks uncomfortable. I know he hates violence, we all do. And now we have no idea where he is or what state he is in. At least we have the entirety of lunch to find out.
“Any idea where he is?” Ray keeps his voice level. He was always so calm; he brought an air of friendliness whenever he was around. I sigh aloud. Today had been going pretty good until now. The kids in English had got bored quite early on for a change, and we had been able to enjoy our comic in peace for the last part of the lesson. Why did this have to happen on all the better days? Frankie’s voice breaks my thoughts.
“Heard he was cleaning himself up in one of the bathrooms. Closest to my lesson is the one on the science corridor.” Frank says. Ray nods.
“Come on.”
Walking down the corridors at lunch is like playing Frogger. We make one wrong move and we get flattened. Not by a lorry though, more by other school kids having a go at us. At least the younger years are playing too; they flatten to the walls even when we come past. Turning down the science corridor, it is still and lonely. No one would be seen dead down here. It is the home of all things academic, as well as the chess club. But we love the quietness, and have no reputation left to ruin. Dodging out of the crowds of people, I push the bathroom door to and slip inside.
Bob is leaning over the sink, a wad of tissue pressed to his nose. The tissue is crimson all over with his blood. He hears the door and looks up menacingly, but seeing it is us he smiles broadly. The awkward silence follows.
“Hey.” He begins, turning back to the sink as more droplets of blood coat the sink. I shake my head, before sitting on the floor against the wall. Frankie sits next to me. Ray walks over to Bob, before getting more tissue.
“What did you do?” Frankie asks. It is the question we all want to ask but only Frank had the guts to be so outright about it. Bobs face suddenly softens, and then he turns quickly to me.
“Have you seen Mikey?” The questions caught me off guard. Mikey? Ray frowns, as if he has realised something.
“No, why?” Bob groans. Ray is by his side instantly but realises he is not in pain. Something has happened. I rise shakily to my feet. Bob glances at me, as if fearing my reaction. Oh, god.
“I saw some of the jocks picking on him. When one threatened to hit him, I hit him instead. That’s how I got a bloody nose; one of the fuckers punched me back. Mikey just ran, I had no time to check on him. You gotta go find him.” Rays face confirmed that he had predicted it. I inhale sharply, nodding my thanks as I storm out the bathroom. Ray is immediately next to me to. The thunderous look in his eyes meant that he too had to find Mikey. I am grateful for him; he always knows what to say. I already know where Mikey will be, and I find him there. Sitting on the corner of the steps out of school, head in his hands.
“Mikey.” I say tentatively. He glances up, almost frightened. His eyes are red; I know he has been crying. My brother never cries. At least, I’ve never seen him crying before. It’s really unnerving; he had always been so level headed. Ray sits next to him and I sit opposite. Ray will handle the situation better, I know he will.
“Don’t bother telling me you’re okay mate because it’s clear that you’re not. So why not just tell us what happened?” Rays voice is soft and persuading. Mikey shook his head, breathing out shakily.
“M’fine.” The kid infuriated me. I needed to know what had happened! Why can’t he just tell us? “Gerard?” I look up as Mikey says my name. I’ll be honest, he looks like shit. And I can’t shake the feeling that it’s my fault. I don’t know how it is, but it just is.
“Incest.” The ripple of laughter runs through a group of kids coming out of school. I watch in alarm as Mikey’s eyes narrow dangerously, much alike I have seen Bob’s many times before. He moves to get up but Ray presses down on his shoulder, forcing him to sit. Luckily Ray had sensed Mikey’s mood change and been there to stop him doing something he would really regret.
“Shit Mikey.” I scold. He sighs, sitting carefully under Ray’s grip. Bob can get away with being violent because he is a strong guy. Mikey wouldn’t last two seconds if he punched back at a jock. The thought of Mikey having the shit kicked out of him by a jock physically sickens me.
“I wanna go home.” Mikey had calmed down again, had retracted into his quiet shell. I nod, understanding him this time. There are times where I just cannot be in school, and I understand that he must feel them too.
“Come on.” I stand and he too gets heavily to his feet.
“I’m coming.” Ray informs me. I nod in agreement, it wouldn’t be fair to leave him in chemistry by himself, plus I’ll need his help to get through to Mikey. “I’ll text Bob we’re leaving.” He informs me, pulling out his mobile as we walk out the gates and down the road to the car. No one bothers stopping us.
I slide in the front seat and Ray sits next to me. Mikey mechanically jams his headphones into his ears, slides into the back seat and just stares out the window. How had I missed my brother being so depressed? Ray shoots me a concerned glance and I just shake my head at him. I ram the car into accelerate and pull away.
I don't want to deal with this.
I’m used to my brother being lost in his head, but not normally is it so obvious. Normally, I don’t realise he is there; almost never know he is hurting. But today, it is so prominent. I glance at Frankie, then Ray and then Bob. Their faces confirm that it’s not just me who thinks Mikey is acting peculiar today.
“Is he okay?” Ray’s voice was laced with concern. I don’t think Mikey has ever spoke to any of them, but still Ray’s consideration for others makes him question my brother. I sigh, rearranging my bag awkwardly on my shoulder.
“I don’t know mate. Sometime he seems fine, other times... I just don’t know what’s going on.” Ray nods understandably. I don’t let it plague me. Mikey is level headed, he can sort out anything. He always has done in the past.
“Fuck out my way, you emo freaks.” Automatically, stay out of trouble mode is activated and we split as the captain of the football team enters the gates. I warily eye Bob as his eyes narrow dangerously. Bob had a track record of snapping, especially in situations like this. Ray presses his hand into Bob’s back, a warning for him to calm down. We all get our fair share of violence but Bob seemingly goes looking for it. Once the guy had gone, I quickly walk forward. I don’t want anyone else to come past and anger Bob. Frankie sees my plan and smiles brightly.
“That cake was amazing Bob.” He chimes cheerfully. Bob’s face softens. When he is angry, it is terrifying. He will literally not stop punching. But when he cooks... I smile despite myself at the thought of a soft sponge cake crafted by Bob. Trust Frankie to know how to immediately defuse a situation like that.
“It wasn’t that great...” He replies sheepishly, fists unclenching. Ray too joined in, an avid fan of Bob’s culinary skills.
“It was, accept the fucking compliment.” Ray claps Bob on the back. They were both right, of course. Bob had baked a beautiful chocolate cake after Frankie had his finger broken by one of the jocks in school. It cheered him up, and the rest of us when he invited us over it eat it.
Entering English meant that I had to leave Frankie and Bob as they had a different lesson for the morning. I hate English. In fact, I hate every subject except art. And that’s only because I don’t get the shit taken out of me because the desks are too far apart. Then, I can lose myself in a drawing of a vampire of a painting of Batman, while laughing at Frankie’s attempt at drawing Speedball. English, however, means that even at the back of the class I am susceptible to the jeers and stabs of my classmates practicing their English in the forms of streams of insults. Two hours of it, two hours of insults, and it is just boring now. Sure, I used to get upset, but now it’s just incredibly dull. But at least I have Ray, though all we really do is read comic books. This lesson I have the new Avengers comic and so that at least wastes the lesson until lunch.
Frankie is waiting for us outside. I greet him warmly, avoiding the streams of people jeering as the three of us walk away from them.
“Bob got into a fight.” Frankie informs us when there were less people around. I groan internally. When Bob gets into a fight, it means he really gets into it. I’ve only ever seen it a couple of times as I have so many lessons without him but it’s a weekly thing for Frankie.
“What happened?” Ray immediately begins investigating. Frankie shrugs nervously.
“I wasn’t there, I don’t know. He left for the toilet and then he didn’t show up for the lesson. I heard some of the football team talking about it.” Frank looks uncomfortable. I know he hates violence, we all do. And now we have no idea where he is or what state he is in. At least we have the entirety of lunch to find out.
“Any idea where he is?” Ray keeps his voice level. He was always so calm; he brought an air of friendliness whenever he was around. I sigh aloud. Today had been going pretty good until now. The kids in English had got bored quite early on for a change, and we had been able to enjoy our comic in peace for the last part of the lesson. Why did this have to happen on all the better days? Frankie’s voice breaks my thoughts.
“Heard he was cleaning himself up in one of the bathrooms. Closest to my lesson is the one on the science corridor.” Frank says. Ray nods.
“Come on.”
Walking down the corridors at lunch is like playing Frogger. We make one wrong move and we get flattened. Not by a lorry though, more by other school kids having a go at us. At least the younger years are playing too; they flatten to the walls even when we come past. Turning down the science corridor, it is still and lonely. No one would be seen dead down here. It is the home of all things academic, as well as the chess club. But we love the quietness, and have no reputation left to ruin. Dodging out of the crowds of people, I push the bathroom door to and slip inside.
Bob is leaning over the sink, a wad of tissue pressed to his nose. The tissue is crimson all over with his blood. He hears the door and looks up menacingly, but seeing it is us he smiles broadly. The awkward silence follows.
“Hey.” He begins, turning back to the sink as more droplets of blood coat the sink. I shake my head, before sitting on the floor against the wall. Frankie sits next to me. Ray walks over to Bob, before getting more tissue.
“What did you do?” Frankie asks. It is the question we all want to ask but only Frank had the guts to be so outright about it. Bobs face suddenly softens, and then he turns quickly to me.
“Have you seen Mikey?” The questions caught me off guard. Mikey? Ray frowns, as if he has realised something.
“No, why?” Bob groans. Ray is by his side instantly but realises he is not in pain. Something has happened. I rise shakily to my feet. Bob glances at me, as if fearing my reaction. Oh, god.
“I saw some of the jocks picking on him. When one threatened to hit him, I hit him instead. That’s how I got a bloody nose; one of the fuckers punched me back. Mikey just ran, I had no time to check on him. You gotta go find him.” Rays face confirmed that he had predicted it. I inhale sharply, nodding my thanks as I storm out the bathroom. Ray is immediately next to me to. The thunderous look in his eyes meant that he too had to find Mikey. I am grateful for him; he always knows what to say. I already know where Mikey will be, and I find him there. Sitting on the corner of the steps out of school, head in his hands.
“Mikey.” I say tentatively. He glances up, almost frightened. His eyes are red; I know he has been crying. My brother never cries. At least, I’ve never seen him crying before. It’s really unnerving; he had always been so level headed. Ray sits next to him and I sit opposite. Ray will handle the situation better, I know he will.
“Don’t bother telling me you’re okay mate because it’s clear that you’re not. So why not just tell us what happened?” Rays voice is soft and persuading. Mikey shook his head, breathing out shakily.
“M’fine.” The kid infuriated me. I needed to know what had happened! Why can’t he just tell us? “Gerard?” I look up as Mikey says my name. I’ll be honest, he looks like shit. And I can’t shake the feeling that it’s my fault. I don’t know how it is, but it just is.
“Incest.” The ripple of laughter runs through a group of kids coming out of school. I watch in alarm as Mikey’s eyes narrow dangerously, much alike I have seen Bob’s many times before. He moves to get up but Ray presses down on his shoulder, forcing him to sit. Luckily Ray had sensed Mikey’s mood change and been there to stop him doing something he would really regret.
“Shit Mikey.” I scold. He sighs, sitting carefully under Ray’s grip. Bob can get away with being violent because he is a strong guy. Mikey wouldn’t last two seconds if he punched back at a jock. The thought of Mikey having the shit kicked out of him by a jock physically sickens me.
“I wanna go home.” Mikey had calmed down again, had retracted into his quiet shell. I nod, understanding him this time. There are times where I just cannot be in school, and I understand that he must feel them too.
“Come on.” I stand and he too gets heavily to his feet.
“I’m coming.” Ray informs me. I nod in agreement, it wouldn’t be fair to leave him in chemistry by himself, plus I’ll need his help to get through to Mikey. “I’ll text Bob we’re leaving.” He informs me, pulling out his mobile as we walk out the gates and down the road to the car. No one bothers stopping us.
I slide in the front seat and Ray sits next to me. Mikey mechanically jams his headphones into his ears, slides into the back seat and just stares out the window. How had I missed my brother being so depressed? Ray shoots me a concerned glance and I just shake my head at him. I ram the car into accelerate and pull away.
I don't want to deal with this.
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