FicWad

Chapter 13: It's not a fear of success, nor of closeness

I could feel the wild butterflies slowly disappear, but not completely. To some level I remained nervous as dad and I walked towards the airport parking lot.

Grandma had driven dad’s car to the airport so me and dad could drive back alone, and she drove back with Mikey and Alicia. This arrangement worked out just fine.

Dad’s luggage was thrown into the trunk of his car and then we got into the car. He instantly turned off the radio after he started the car. I assumed that we weren’t going home yet, and it turned out that I was right.

“Wanna go eat something? I’m starving”, he asked.

“Didn’t you eat in the plane?”

“Nah. The airplane food isn’t that good. So how about it? Italian?”

“How about Chinese?” I suggested and he agreed.

This time I didn’t look out of the car windows as we drove. Instead I spent the short ride looking at him.

I could clearly see the change, just by looking at his face. Dad didn’t look dead anymore. He actually had some more color on his face and his eyes weren’t just cold pieces of ice. Being away really did well on him. Plus, he had cut his hair. It wasn’t long and hanging over his eyes anymore. It was shorter, but still black.

I started to wonder where I got my hair color from. Dad had dark hair, mom was a redhead, and yet I’m blonde. It’s not that I’m complaining or anything. I liked my hair. It was still a mystery how I got it, though.

“Oh, before I forget”, he started, glancing quickly at me before concentrating on the road again. “We should start looking for a new place soon. I don’t want to be in that house for long.”

“I agree.”

“I’ll call the realtor tomorrow ”, he said.

Half an hour later we were sitting in my favorite Chinese restaurant. It was a small place, but really cool. I liked to go there to eat, but of course I rarely did. There was never really anyone to go with. Luckily Mikey shared my love for Chinese food, mainly for sushi, so we went there about once a month, at least. But honestly, I could’ve eaten Chinese food every single day and not get bored.

After we had ordered and gotten our drinks, dad said: “I think we should talk.”

“About what?”

“Well you know”, he said. “Like, what’s happened, what’s going to happen and so on... You know what I mean.”

I shook my head. “We don’t have to talk about it. I’m fine.”

“But I think –“

The glare just came naturally. But at least the mean expression should’ve gotten the message across. “But I don’t want to.”

“Why not?”

“Because it’s over. There’s nothing to talk about anymore”, I answered and looked down at my water glass, determined not to talk anymore. This must be why I felt a bit reluctant to see dad. I knew that he would want to talk about something completely pointless.

“Gia, it’s not over and you know it”, he said, his tone suddenly even more serious. “Believe it or not, but I actually do know some things about you. You pretend that everything is fine even though it’s clearly not.”

“So?” I scoffed, completely forgetting about the not talking to him thing. I was starting to get a little upset. “Just, stop acting like that” I said, wanting to shriek and shout but I still managed to keep my tone of voice normal.

“Like what?”

“Like you suddenly care and know everything about me. It’s not so simple, you know.”

He was silent for a moment, thinking about his words. Then he sighed, giving up. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I just want us to be a normal family.”

I couldn’t help but laugh. “Normal? Face it dad, we’re far from normal. That’s never going to happen.” I shrugged, and continued: “But it’s fine. Who’s to say what’s normal and what’s not, anyway.”

“I suppose that’s true. Normal could be kind of boring anyway”, he said. And, suddenly, the serious expression faded and he smiled.

“What’s with the grin?” I asked.

“It’s just... Do you realize how much you’ve changed?” he asked, still smiling. “You used to just take whatever life threw at you and accept it. I have to say that it’s nice to hear you talk back, even though I might later miss you being so obedient.”

I didn’t know what to say. He changed the subject. And what was I supposed to answer? Was I supposed to answer at all? However, I didn’t have to say anything. He continued talking.

“You know how every time your grandma came to visit when you were little and as soon as you ran over to greet her, she’d say how much you’ve grown?”

I nodded. “Yeah. And then she’d give me a lollipop and shoo me to my room for a while so you two could talk.”

His eyes darkened again. During that time dad had already been involved with alcohol and drugs for a while, and grandma hated that. She often came over to try to talk some sense into dad’s head. Unfortunately his skull had always been thicker than diamond, so she had eventually given up for the most part.

“Anyway. What was the point of this story?” I asked, wondering why he brought it up.

“The point was that I completely missed your childhood.”

“What do you mean? You were there.”

“Not really, though”, he said. He looked sad. “Gia, I regret every second from the last few years up until just recently. I just couldn’t think about my actions having effect on someone else.”

I still wasn’t sure what I should say, so I said: “Uh... I forgive you?”

“No! Don’t forgive me just like that. I want to make it up to you”, he said, that hopeful smile appearing on his face again.

Before I could reply, the waiter brought our food. I started to eat right away, since I loved Chinese food, but dad hardly touched his food. He just stared at me thoughtfully. However, I didn’t really even notice it. I had disappeared into my own thought-land. Because the more I thought about it, he was right.

I was the type to just pretend everything was okay when in reality, I was dying inside. And even when I knew that something was wrong, I refused to believe that the cause of all that pain was my father. The only member of my real family. Of course I had Mikey and other extended family, but it just wasn’t the same.

Mom was gone and she wasn’t coming back. I had thought that my dad was a lost cause as well, but a miracle happened and he came back home, promising all these wonderful things. And even though he might not be able to buy me a flying pony or a castle made of Belgian chocolate, those things didn’t matter. Every little girl needs to be promised them that one day a prince will swipe them off their feet and that she will live happily ever after. I never believed in those promises or that I could do well in life. I was just supposed to float through it. But now it was different.

Those silly promises had an actual purpose. I wanted to believe.

The problem was, could I believe? After all that’s happened, would I be able to?

____________________________Gerard’s POV

When we got home, Gia went straight inside, but I hesitated for a second before stepping in. The past few hours were fun. I was able to talk to her about what was on my mind and I felt happy about that. For the first time in a long while, we shared an actual meal together, talking, laughing, and the best part of it that it was real. I didn't know how long that could last, because the fake smiles just kind of came naturally to the both of us. But we'll work on that.

Just like the average father, having lunch with his daughter. It was nice. But now I was back at this house where it all started, and everything started to come back to me. No, I still didn’t want to go back to the drug filled life.

I mean the memories. Everywhere I looked, I remembered something from the past. The spot by the phone table in the corridor where I overdosed for the first time. I remember the panic, the realization that I was going to die, pushing into my awareness through the cloudiness of the drugs. I had tried to reach for the phone, but I couldn’t. I remember Gia running over to me just moments before I passed out. She called the ambulance and took care of me until it came.

“Dad? Are you coming?” Gia asked worriedly, coming out of the kitchen.

I shook my head to get rid of the image. “Yeah”, I answered and quickly brought in the entire luggage. I put it down by the stairs and started to take off my coat. It had been the end of August when I left, and now it was already November.

“What are you doing?” I asked Gia when she disappeared into a closet and started dragging out a vacuum cleaner.

“This place is a mess. I have to clean up.”

“Gia, step away from the vacuum!” I commanded. “If you really need to, you can clean up tomorrow.”

She stared at me for a moment, obviously wondering if it was worth arguing. But in the end she sighed and put the vacuum cleaner back into the closet and closed the door.

“But if we suffocate on dust bunnies and die, I’m blaming you”, she muttered when she walked past me and up the stairs.

“I’ll take full responsibility of the dust bunnies”, I assured with a grin and followed her, carrying the luggage.

The following night I could hardly sleep at all. It’s not that I was unhappy or uncomfortable, I was just very aware of the fact that this was the first time in a long time that I was at home, on my own bed. The rehabilitation center was fine, and at times even peaceful, and at least I had been able to sleep there. Now I didn’t feel at home in the room which I previously was barely able to leave.

It was hot in the room so I got up to open the window, and when I did so I heard footsteps pass my room, so I froze standing in the middle of the room. Gia must’ve woken up to go to the bathroom or something.

For a moment it was silent, but then I heard a crash from downstairs. It wasn’t loud enough for me to wake up if I had been sleeping, but still loud enough to be heard. I left my room and went to stand at the top of the stairs. I grinned, knowing exactly what she was doing.

“Gia, put away the broom and go to sleep”, I told her and went back to my room. A while later she stomped past my room again, this time not bothering to try and not make any sound.

No surprise that I didn’t sleep the whole night. At seven am I went to the kitchen to make coffee and fill the water boiler. Gia didn’t drink coffee, so she’d probably want tea. Sometimes I had wondered how my offspring could hate the taste of coffee, since I were pretty much born a coffeeholic.

I was sitting in the kitchen, drinking my coffee when Gia came down. She was already fully dressed and ready to go to school.

“Good morning”, she said, and she seemed to be in a pretty good mood. She went to the water boiler and poured herself water into a cup and put the tea bag in. Then she put some bread into the toaster.

“Morning”, I answered. “What’s the agenda for today?”

“School, piano, grocery shopping, home, cleaning up”, she listed. “What about you?”

“First I have to call the real estate agent, and then we’re having a band meeting. After that I’m free as a bird, so I’ll do the grocery shopping.” I could tell that she wasn’t happy with me doing the shopping but, tough luck.

“If you insist”, she replied before going to the bathroom. Just as she left, the toast jumped up from the toaster.

“Your toast is ready”, I called after her, but she ignored it. I drank my coffee in silence for a moment, until I heard Gia curse in the bathroom. “What’s wrong?” I asked, but it took her a while to answer.

“I just dropped my pills”, she finally answered, and that made the hair on my neck rise.

“What pills?” I tried to sound nonchalant and all, but really I was suddenly very nervous.

“Just my iron pills. Don’t worry.” Gia came back to the kitchen, popped the pill into her mouth and washed it down with the tea. I made a mental note to check the pill bottle.

“Well, I gotta go”, I said, getting up from my seat. “I’ll pick you up from the piano lesson, okay?”

“Okay”, she answered. “Say hi to Mikey for me.”

“Will do.”

Before I left, I went to the bathroom and found the small, white bottle by the sink. It’s not that I was curious, I was just paranoid. I think I can be forgiven for being like that about things like this though. Gia would be too if she found me taking something.

When I was pretty sure that the pills were really nothing serious, I left.

A few hours later I had called the realtor, met up with the band (which went pretty well, surprisingly) and gotten all the groceries on the list that Gia had written for me. I was waiting in my car outside of the building where Gia had her piano lessons. I waited. And I waited. The piano lesson should have ended at five thirty. It was nearing six.

I turned off the CD player I had on while waiting, and got out of the car. I wasn’t really worried; there must be a perfectly reasonable explanation for this. The clock might be broken or a raccoon made a house inside the piano, and it just took them a while to clean up the piano. Anything is possible.

The teacher was a woman with huge glasses. Seriously, they made her look like one of those scrawny monkeys that have huge eyes and that live deep in the jungle. She couldn’t have been a day younger than 80. This was the first time I met her, though since my daughter spent two hours every Tuesday and Friday with her, I probably should have met her a long time ago.

She opened the door when I knocked and directed her huge eyes at me. I was a little freaked out. “Yes? Can I help you with something?”

“I’m looking for Gia Way. Is she still here?”

“I’m sorry, who are you?”

The woman looked surprised, and that only made her eyes bigger. I was sure they would explode any minute. “Gerard Way. I’m Gia’s father.”

Suddenly she smiled widely and offered me a hand to shake. I took it and instantly regretted it. For such a skinny, scrawny lady she sure had a firm handshake. “Oh, it’s so nice to finally meet you! She looks a lot like you, I can’t believe I didn’t see it right away! Come in! My name is Matilda.”

I stepped inside. I saw two pianos on the other side of the room and the other side was like just your average living room. There was a couch and chairs and a small coffee table. But the thing that was scary was all those pictures of kittens. The pillows, the paintings on the walls, even the plate on the couch table with the cookies, all of them had kittens running around and playing with yarn.

I looked around the room, but I saw no sign of Gia.

“Sit down”, she said and I did as I was told. I instantly got a glass of lemon juice and a cookie.

“So, about Gia, I “I started, but she cut me off.

“Of course Gia is a very talented girl! She has a lot of potential to be a great pianist, her gift is so promising. But there’s just something missing.”

For a second I forgot what I was saying. “Like what?”

“Gia seems to have no real passion for piano. It’s like she just thinks of it as an object, while in reality, a piano is a beautiful instrument, created to make art”, she explained and looked at the two pianos like they were her children.

I set down the juice and the cookie and asked: “Gia isn’t here, is she?”

“No. She didn’t come today. But I wouldn’t be worried, she hasn’t been coming here a lot lately.”

“Really?” I was a little confused. Why wouldn’t Gia go to her piano lessons? She had always been so responsible. This was so unlike her.

I managed to escape the crazy piano lady after she practically force-fed me a plate of cookies and a bucket of lemon juice.

I figured that it was best to go home. And If Gia wasn’t there, I would call Mikey to see if she was there, and then her school to see if she skipped school too. Now I was starting to get a little worried. Anyone would feel like a complete failure as a parent at this point. How would you react if you came back home after two months and the very next day your daughter runs away or gets kidnapped by a mob of rapists? I say spirit crushing.

As soon as I got home, I found out that Gia must be there. The lights were all on, and Gia always turned off the lights when she left and I was gone too.

“Gia? Where are you?” I called into the house. It was quiet as a grave. Well, it would have been quiet if it wasn’t for the small sob I heard from the living room.

The minute I saw her I knew that something was horribly wrong. Gia was sitting in the middle of the room. She had pushed all the furniture against the walls and the rug was rolled off. Next to her she had a bucket, which was knocked to its side and all the water from it was now on the floor. There was a vacuum cleaner, which was oddly enough divided into as many pieces as possible without breaking it, and then there were various rags, a broom, and all other kinds of cleaning equipment, most of which I didn’t even recognize.

And Gia looked like a complete mess. Her blonde hair, which was usually combed neatly or curled, now resembled a bird’s nest. Her whole body was shaking, especially her hands which were holding the plug of the vacuum. Tears were running down her cheeks and her face had lost all color. But her eyes were the worst. I knew the look she had in them. It was the same that I had seen in the mirror so many times before. It was the look of hate and frustration, but at the same time tired of fighting. Her eyes were red and puffy from the crying, but it was like she didn’t even care. She just let the tears fall.

“Gia?” I said quietly and slowly walked over to her. I didn’t care about the water that was soaking my shoes and going through the fabric.

She didn’t see me. She just cried. As cruel as it may sound, the sight of my daughter made me sick in my stomach.

“Gia, look at me”, I pleaded and gently turned her head to face me. She just looked past me, as if she had trouble to focus on anything. But then, surprisingly enough, she saw me and sobbed.

“Dad”, she started. Her voice was hoarse and sounded like she hadn’t spoken for days. It was like she barely had enough power to make a sound. “It wouldn’t work. The plug...”

I glanced at the plug that she held in her hand, then at the wall. She had ripped off the wall socket. It was a miracle that she didn’t get electrocuted. Or maybe she did.

“I couldn’t...” she continued, sobbing.

“You couldn’t what?” I asked.

“Clean”, Gia whispered, and completely broke down. “I’m sorry!” she shrieked and tried to get up. “I have to – This place is filthy!”

I caught her before she fell down and hit her head or something. She was clearly drugged up. But even if she had done it on purpose, she wouldn’t have done it so that she would get caught. She was smarter than that.

“Okay, let’s get you to bed”, I said and lift her up. She most likely would fall and crack her skull if she tried to walk by herself, so I carried her upstairs to her room. Luckily she was small for her age, because I wasn’t exactly in shape.

“I’m busy”, she protested, but didn’t try to get away. “Why won’t you let me clean? Why do you hate me?”

“You can clean later. Right now you need to calm down.”

I put her down on her bed and went to turn off the lights from her room so they wouldn’t hurt her eyes. I knew how that felt.

Gia’s behavior was odd. Yeah, I was no stranger to all this, but still, the need to clean up puzzled me. Of all the things that could have happened, she decided to clean. Well, it was better than wanting to jump down from the roof or something, I suppose.

She buried her face into the pillow and screamed something, but because of the pillow I didn’t understand what she tried to say. I sat on the side of the edge of the bed and rubbed her back.

“Gia, do you want something to drink? Water?” I asked.

“No”, she mumbled, her tears making the pillow get wet. “I want to clean.”

“I’ll get you water anyway”, I said and when I left the room, wondered if it was a good decision to leave her alone. Well, even if she tried to get up, she wouldn’t get far. Worst case scenario: she tries to get up, falls and lands on her head, her skull breaks and a piece of the bone pierces her brain and she dies of internal bleeding. I decided to get the water fast.

When I got the glass of water and was passing by the bathroom, I got a bad feeling. Or actually, I already felt pretty bad but it just got worse. I went into the bathroom and took the white pill bottle with me to her room.

“Gia, I brought water”, I said to her quietly when I entered the room. Thank god, she was still alive. She just lay on the bed, glaring at me. When I tried to make her drink, she wouldn’t even open her mouth. But that was probably for the best. She could choke or something.

I set down the glass and opened the pill bottle. I figured that if she had dropped the bottle on the floor this morning and the pills fell out, and if there was some of... my left overs on the floor as well, she could have mixed them. I poured all of them on the table and looked at them. There were a few pills that were a slightly different size and shape. I glanced over that Gia. It was my fault that she was like this. The feeling just got worse.

I watched over her for the rest of the day and night. When she fell asleep, I still didn’t leave. I pretty much stayed at her room. The only times that I would leave was to go to the bathroom and to get my laptop. I wrote to the realtor and asked her to show me some houses tomorrow. Gia wouldn’t probably feel well enough to go anywhere so I would go alone and ask Mikey or someone to come take care of her.

What happened to Gia was the last straw. I wanted out of this house and to start over.