FicWad

It was only when I heard my alarm go off that I realised I still had to face the morning. I got ready, washed and dressed in a completely silenced, trance like state, not even bothering to turn up my stereo like usual. It seemed like every song on their reminded me of either Frankie or bad school situations, the two things that were already clogging up every inch of brain cell.

It’s like I couldn’t escape him, and I didn’t know whether this was a good or a bad thing. The way he looked and cared last night though, it was like a huge punch in the chest. I had never experienced anything like that in my life. Sober, yet confused, I let him in to a part of me I’d never let anyone see before. Not Mikey, not anyone. It’s as if he saw the part of me I always knew I had in there, but had never found the right person to express it to.

Maybe I was just being stupid. It’s not like I’ve really had friends besides my brother before, maybe I was just seeing the wrong signals, and in the end it will all turn out that we both got it completely wrong, and that he regrets everything that happened. That he was just as confused as me in everything, and we will sit down, and talk, and come to realise that we are in fact both straight males with absolutely nothing in common in terms of personality and that everything that happened was just a product of drink. He’ll go back to his band. I’ll go back to my own company, to my shitty, worthless job in a comic book store. I’ll go back to going home, drawing pointless little figures, writing down mean less lyrics and guitar parts, wearing black, listening to Iron Maiden. Being everything that’s not cool.

I remember the first time Pencey Prep played a show at our school dance about 6 months ago; I had been persuaded by Mikey to tag along, I spent the whole night in the bathroom drinking the punch that I knew had been spiked with whatever, so I was pretty drunk when they came on eventually. And so was Frankie from what I can recall. No one was really listening or watching to what was happening, I was mesmerised though. It was weird; no one in the school had really taken a common interest in music before. It kind of shocked me a little.

The way he flew around stage, putting every bit of himself and his energy into the performance, even though it was only really a couple of kids and teachers watching. I went home unsure of what I’d just seen, and the next day I was convinced I was going to go and talk to him, I wanted to know what sort of music he was in to, I mean, they covered a Black Flag song up there! Why couldn’t I be friends with this kid!

But I never did go talk to him.

I guess it was a mixture of nerves, fear of rejection, awkwardness...

I wonder what time he left last night?

I remember going to bed, I know it was late, but...

Shit.

My mom. She must of seen. She must of seen. Fuck. How must we have looked on the floor, curled up asleep? My face in his hair, his heavy breathing on my neck.

Why didn't I think this as I went to bed?! I had to face her now though at the breakfast table. Her, Mikey, my dad...

She wouldn't judge. Of course she wouldn't judge? She wouldn't tell my father.

Is this me... coming out of the closet? It sounded so weird putting it into that perspective, but you had to have relationships to be gay right? You had to be in love with a man, it had to be more than just a mistake made whilst way too drunk with a stranger. The feelings had to be mutual. You couldn't be in denial about it. But I wasn't even in denial, it was almost... Shame.

I've often wondered what love felt like, I always imagined it being like in a movie, you know, guy is feeling down, guy meets girl, a blonde, pretty girl. They maybe walk into eachother in the street, find out they drink the same coffee, go to reach for the same thing in the grocery store. And then they meet eachother's eyes and everything just fits perfectly, like those two people were put on earth for eachother, and you can't imagine it being any other way. That moment when they eyes meet... A shy smile, she bites her lip, he looks down, and looks back up again to meet her eyes again...

Of course, these are just Hollywood actors who are payed to do this, who are given a script and told exactly what to do, and exactly where to looks, exactly what to feel, exactly what to make the person watching think. But love is just something that I've always thought would never happen to me.

I wonder what movies Frankie liked? Did he like the shitty, romantic kind that I've had to put up with through many evenings with mom? Did he like the low budget slasher kind that me and Mikey used to tape as kids and watch at night, then discussing the whole film like it was the best thing ever created, each taking on a role, Mikey usually the killer, me the detective or hero. I always liked the idea of being some form of hero, whether it being superhero, or just someone who makes one persons life that little bit better.

Was it weird that every time I thought of him, it brought back a whole flood of happy memories?

Because right now, I was walking down the stairs with a smile on my face.

'Gerard? Hey! Aw sweetie, what happened? Mikey told me it was to do with the mirror smashing? You gave me such a shock though, I went into your room last night and the entire place was smashed up, and you weren't in there?'

And there she was, waiting at the bottom of the stairs.

She took hold of my arm and inspected while she spoke, similar to how Mikey had yesterday. My mom was just so care free. She was obviously panicing inside, but right now, calm, collected...

Her and Mikey are like the male and female formations of eachother. They didn't show emotion when it wasn't needed. Same, neutral position.

'Um, yeah, I kinda fell asleep on the couch. My arm's totally fine. I'm totally fine. I'll see you tonight...'

'Honey, wait.'

There was a pause.

'It doesn't matter, you get off to school now.'

She smiled and rubbed my shoulder as I walked past her and out of the front door.

And there he was waiting.