Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > The Ryden Conspiracy
Spencer carefully laid Brendon on the couch, trying not to hurt him anymore than he already was. He smoothed back his friend’s hair, pushing it away from his bloodied face. Brendon seemed oblivious to Spencer’s presence, whimpering to himself as salty tears ran down his face. Spencer sighed and went to go find the first aid kit. He’d just opened the closet to look for it when he heard the door slam again. “Shit,” he muttered to himself, running out into the living area. He saw exactly what he expected to see. An empty sofa and a bloody pillow.
He sighed and took off after Brendon, not bothering to close the door. It didn’t take him long to spot Brendon, but unfortunately, he was already back on the highway. Spencer sighed again and went back into the bus. He grabbed the rental car keys off the counter and went and started the little black Altima. Except it wouldn’t start. Puzzled for a half a second, Spencer sighed a third time in less than two minutes. Brendon. He had no doubts that the man had snagged the distributor cap off the engine on his way out, buying himself more time in the long run.
Spencer climbed hurriedly out of the car, setting off at a run down the driveway. He had to
get to Brendon before he reached the freeway. He knew Brendon. He was positive that he would hitchhike if he had to, as long as he got to Ryan in the end. And that could be dangerous for everyone. So he raced on, skidding off the gravel driveway and onto the asphalt, nearly falling as he did so. He saw Brendon ahead of him, about halfway to the freeway already. “BRENDON, STOP!” he screamed, praying desperately that he would. In response, he saw Brendon speed up. Spencer pushed himself as fast as he could go, slowly gaining on Brendon.
He saw Brendon glance over his shoulder and a panicked expression shot across his face. Spencer knew he was trying to go faster, but he couldn’t. He was already worn out and now he was wearing himself out even further. But he was already approaching the corner that led to the freeway just outside the town. Spencer felt his heart speeding up even further and he used the adrenaline surge to add just the tiniest bit of speed to his already break-neck speed. He was nearly to Brendon. Just a few… more…. strides….
Brendon quite literally slid around the corner, one of his hands touching the ground as he pushed himself upright and continued running. Spencer was right behind him, having to use the ground to turn as well.
“Bren….don….ple….ase…..wai…..t…..ju….st…..st…..op…”
“NO!” came the reply back. Spencer would’ve sighed if he’d had the air in his lungs to do so. Spencer was just practically on top of Brendon now, and he stole a glance behind him. No cars coming. Good. Spencer drifted towards the middle of the road, making himself come parallel with Brendon. He only had a few more seconds to do this before they went up on a bridge and they’d be surrounded by concrete. Spencer made sure that he was just slightly in front of Brendon before gathering his muscles and throwing himself at Brendon, knocking them both into the grass on the side of the road.
There was a nasty crunch as they landed and Spencer knew that he’d hurt Brendon, even if he couldn’t say anything about it yet. They both lay where they’d landed, neither having the strength to move, just inhaling as much air as they could.
Brendon finally managed to push Spencer off him and adjust himself, daring a glance down at his ankle. He’d twisted it a little as he’d made the first turn leading into the town, but when Spencer had tackled him it had bent completely to the side. It didn’t hurt yet, thanks to the adrenaline rush, but it would later.
Spencer rolled to the side, staring at Brendon. “Are you…. Okay?” He panted, looking sick.
Brendon shrugged. “I don’t... know yet….” He replied, pushing himself into a sitting position. Spencer followed suit, and then pushed himself to his feet. He helped Brendon to his feet, both of them leaning on each other for support.
“I can’t carry you this time. Can you walk?” Spencer said, turning to his friend.
Brendon turned away, not wanting Spencer to see him crying. “Yea, I can make it back.”
Spencer wrapped one arm around Brendon’s shoulders and Brendon did the same. Brendon was leaning heavily on him, and Spencer knew that they were going to be in for a long walk home.
*
By the time they made it back to the bus, Spencer was practically carrying Brendon again. He had him lay back down on the sofa, throwing some pillows under Brendon’s leg and elevating his extremely swollen ankle. He turned and glared sharply at Brendon. “Do. Not. Move,” he growled. Brendon closed his eyes and nodded. Spencer went and grabbed the first aid kit and quickly returned to Brendon. He started with his face, cleaning the nasty gashes on it so they wouldn’t get infected. The cleaned the various smaller cuts on his body before moving to his ankle. He ended up wrapping it carefully to give it support and putting a bag of ice on it.
He helped Brendon back up and started leading him to his room. But Brendon stopped when they got to the empty room that should’ve had Ryan’s belongings in it. Brendon looked through the door and then his eyes got wide.
“I want to sleep in here, Spencer.”
Spencer stared at Brendon for a long moment before turning them towards Ryan’s room. Brendon quickly shook his head. “I can do it. I can do it,” he said, letting go of Spencer’s shoulders. He limped into Ryan’s room and laid down on the bed, putting the pillows from the couch under his foot. Spencer nodded approvingly.
“Yell if you need something. I don’t want you getting up.”
Brendon nodded and Spencer closed the door. As soon as he had, Brendon grabbed the pillow and
buried his face in it, wanting to breathe in the scent of his lover. But instead his nose hitting soft down, it hit something crunchy. Puzzled, Brendon peered into the pillow case and saw an envelope. He pulled it out slowly and saw that it was addressed to him in Ryan’s messy scrawl. His eyebrows drawing together in further confusion, he opened the envelope and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He unfolded it and read:
Dearest Brendon,
I can’t begin to describe how deeply and truly sorry I am. I know how you felt about what I was doing, yet I didn’t take into consideration your feelings. And I loathe myself for that. You mean everything to me, Brendon. And I let you go. My only light in a world of pain and self-destruction, and I extinguished you all by myself. And that’s what will kill me every day for the rest of my life.
I know you, darling. And I know that even now, after I’ve gone from you, you are blaming yourself for everything. Don’t. I needed to go. Pete was right. The music that I need to make isn’t the music for this band. And despite everything you said, you are not dragging me down. If anything, you lift me up and make me out to be better than I actually am. And better than I ever could be. You put me on a pedestal when all I deserve is for your hatred. You should hate me, Brendon. And I wouldn’t blame you. Because I hate me, too.
Of everything that I have done wrong in this life, the one thing I know I did right was love you. You are the love of my life. My raison d'être. But loving you was also my biggest mistake. No, no. it’s not what you think, Brendon. I can see the look on your face, and that’s not what I meant. I meant that by loving you, I had to break your heart. And I never wanted that for you, Brendon. You don’t deserve that. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve the world .And I hope without me their to destroy everything you work towards, you can have the world. Ha. You held the world upon a string, eh Brenny?
The other thing. I want you to move on. I want you to forget me, stop loving me. You need someone in your life who will be able to support you through everything. Whether it be a man or a woman, I don’t know. I’d like to believe that I was the only man for you, but I just want you to love and be happy. I know that I’ll never love again. You were the only one for me. My life, my purpose. I wish that I could’ve been more for you.
I’ll need to leave in just a moment. Otherwise you or Jon might grow suspicious and come back here to see what I’m doing. And I don’t want that yet. I just wanted to write this for you. An apology. A love letter. A last goodbye. The words I could never say to you out loud. The words from the deepest cavern of my heart. I’m going to miss you terribly, my love. You’re the other drug that I so desperately need and I’ve cut myself off from you completely. I’m not sure how well I’m going to survive this change. Hopefully, well enough.
But I digress. I left you a few things, Brennybear. My pillow, so if you don’t loathe me (as I hope you do), and you’re missing me, (which I hope you don’t), you’ll have me right next to you every night. Or so you can rip it apart and burn the pieces. I see that as the more fitting option, but it’s up to you. I’ve also left you my cologne. Or, well, perfume. I know you’d tease me for smelling girly with it, but it did smell rather good. And I do recall you saying “delicious” on more than one occasion. You can spray my pillow with it if it loses it’s smell, or you can pour it on the pillow to fuel the fire. Again, your choice. I’ve also left one other keepsake. My bandana.
I wish I could continue this letter to you, write over and over how much I love you. How much I’ll miss you. How much I regret doing this to you. But, all things must come to an end. Please, Brendon, forgive me for the sins I’ve done by you. I understand if you don’t. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to forgive myself for this. But just know, I do love you. With every fiber of my being. It was always you. And I want you to remember that for just a while, Brendon. And then…. Let me go.
I love you. Always.
Ryan
He sighed and took off after Brendon, not bothering to close the door. It didn’t take him long to spot Brendon, but unfortunately, he was already back on the highway. Spencer sighed again and went back into the bus. He grabbed the rental car keys off the counter and went and started the little black Altima. Except it wouldn’t start. Puzzled for a half a second, Spencer sighed a third time in less than two minutes. Brendon. He had no doubts that the man had snagged the distributor cap off the engine on his way out, buying himself more time in the long run.
Spencer climbed hurriedly out of the car, setting off at a run down the driveway. He had to
get to Brendon before he reached the freeway. He knew Brendon. He was positive that he would hitchhike if he had to, as long as he got to Ryan in the end. And that could be dangerous for everyone. So he raced on, skidding off the gravel driveway and onto the asphalt, nearly falling as he did so. He saw Brendon ahead of him, about halfway to the freeway already. “BRENDON, STOP!” he screamed, praying desperately that he would. In response, he saw Brendon speed up. Spencer pushed himself as fast as he could go, slowly gaining on Brendon.
He saw Brendon glance over his shoulder and a panicked expression shot across his face. Spencer knew he was trying to go faster, but he couldn’t. He was already worn out and now he was wearing himself out even further. But he was already approaching the corner that led to the freeway just outside the town. Spencer felt his heart speeding up even further and he used the adrenaline surge to add just the tiniest bit of speed to his already break-neck speed. He was nearly to Brendon. Just a few… more…. strides….
Brendon quite literally slid around the corner, one of his hands touching the ground as he pushed himself upright and continued running. Spencer was right behind him, having to use the ground to turn as well.
“Bren….don….ple….ase…..wai…..t…..ju….st…..st…..op…”
“NO!” came the reply back. Spencer would’ve sighed if he’d had the air in his lungs to do so. Spencer was just practically on top of Brendon now, and he stole a glance behind him. No cars coming. Good. Spencer drifted towards the middle of the road, making himself come parallel with Brendon. He only had a few more seconds to do this before they went up on a bridge and they’d be surrounded by concrete. Spencer made sure that he was just slightly in front of Brendon before gathering his muscles and throwing himself at Brendon, knocking them both into the grass on the side of the road.
There was a nasty crunch as they landed and Spencer knew that he’d hurt Brendon, even if he couldn’t say anything about it yet. They both lay where they’d landed, neither having the strength to move, just inhaling as much air as they could.
Brendon finally managed to push Spencer off him and adjust himself, daring a glance down at his ankle. He’d twisted it a little as he’d made the first turn leading into the town, but when Spencer had tackled him it had bent completely to the side. It didn’t hurt yet, thanks to the adrenaline rush, but it would later.
Spencer rolled to the side, staring at Brendon. “Are you…. Okay?” He panted, looking sick.
Brendon shrugged. “I don’t... know yet….” He replied, pushing himself into a sitting position. Spencer followed suit, and then pushed himself to his feet. He helped Brendon to his feet, both of them leaning on each other for support.
“I can’t carry you this time. Can you walk?” Spencer said, turning to his friend.
Brendon turned away, not wanting Spencer to see him crying. “Yea, I can make it back.”
Spencer wrapped one arm around Brendon’s shoulders and Brendon did the same. Brendon was leaning heavily on him, and Spencer knew that they were going to be in for a long walk home.
*
By the time they made it back to the bus, Spencer was practically carrying Brendon again. He had him lay back down on the sofa, throwing some pillows under Brendon’s leg and elevating his extremely swollen ankle. He turned and glared sharply at Brendon. “Do. Not. Move,” he growled. Brendon closed his eyes and nodded. Spencer went and grabbed the first aid kit and quickly returned to Brendon. He started with his face, cleaning the nasty gashes on it so they wouldn’t get infected. The cleaned the various smaller cuts on his body before moving to his ankle. He ended up wrapping it carefully to give it support and putting a bag of ice on it.
He helped Brendon back up and started leading him to his room. But Brendon stopped when they got to the empty room that should’ve had Ryan’s belongings in it. Brendon looked through the door and then his eyes got wide.
“I want to sleep in here, Spencer.”
Spencer stared at Brendon for a long moment before turning them towards Ryan’s room. Brendon quickly shook his head. “I can do it. I can do it,” he said, letting go of Spencer’s shoulders. He limped into Ryan’s room and laid down on the bed, putting the pillows from the couch under his foot. Spencer nodded approvingly.
“Yell if you need something. I don’t want you getting up.”
Brendon nodded and Spencer closed the door. As soon as he had, Brendon grabbed the pillow and
buried his face in it, wanting to breathe in the scent of his lover. But instead his nose hitting soft down, it hit something crunchy. Puzzled, Brendon peered into the pillow case and saw an envelope. He pulled it out slowly and saw that it was addressed to him in Ryan’s messy scrawl. His eyebrows drawing together in further confusion, he opened the envelope and pulled out a folded piece of paper. He unfolded it and read:
Dearest Brendon,
I can’t begin to describe how deeply and truly sorry I am. I know how you felt about what I was doing, yet I didn’t take into consideration your feelings. And I loathe myself for that. You mean everything to me, Brendon. And I let you go. My only light in a world of pain and self-destruction, and I extinguished you all by myself. And that’s what will kill me every day for the rest of my life.
I know you, darling. And I know that even now, after I’ve gone from you, you are blaming yourself for everything. Don’t. I needed to go. Pete was right. The music that I need to make isn’t the music for this band. And despite everything you said, you are not dragging me down. If anything, you lift me up and make me out to be better than I actually am. And better than I ever could be. You put me on a pedestal when all I deserve is for your hatred. You should hate me, Brendon. And I wouldn’t blame you. Because I hate me, too.
Of everything that I have done wrong in this life, the one thing I know I did right was love you. You are the love of my life. My raison d'être. But loving you was also my biggest mistake. No, no. it’s not what you think, Brendon. I can see the look on your face, and that’s not what I meant. I meant that by loving you, I had to break your heart. And I never wanted that for you, Brendon. You don’t deserve that. You deserve so much better than me. You deserve the world .And I hope without me their to destroy everything you work towards, you can have the world. Ha. You held the world upon a string, eh Brenny?
The other thing. I want you to move on. I want you to forget me, stop loving me. You need someone in your life who will be able to support you through everything. Whether it be a man or a woman, I don’t know. I’d like to believe that I was the only man for you, but I just want you to love and be happy. I know that I’ll never love again. You were the only one for me. My life, my purpose. I wish that I could’ve been more for you.
I’ll need to leave in just a moment. Otherwise you or Jon might grow suspicious and come back here to see what I’m doing. And I don’t want that yet. I just wanted to write this for you. An apology. A love letter. A last goodbye. The words I could never say to you out loud. The words from the deepest cavern of my heart. I’m going to miss you terribly, my love. You’re the other drug that I so desperately need and I’ve cut myself off from you completely. I’m not sure how well I’m going to survive this change. Hopefully, well enough.
But I digress. I left you a few things, Brennybear. My pillow, so if you don’t loathe me (as I hope you do), and you’re missing me, (which I hope you don’t), you’ll have me right next to you every night. Or so you can rip it apart and burn the pieces. I see that as the more fitting option, but it’s up to you. I’ve also left you my cologne. Or, well, perfume. I know you’d tease me for smelling girly with it, but it did smell rather good. And I do recall you saying “delicious” on more than one occasion. You can spray my pillow with it if it loses it’s smell, or you can pour it on the pillow to fuel the fire. Again, your choice. I’ve also left one other keepsake. My bandana.
I wish I could continue this letter to you, write over and over how much I love you. How much I’ll miss you. How much I regret doing this to you. But, all things must come to an end. Please, Brendon, forgive me for the sins I’ve done by you. I understand if you don’t. I don’t even know if I’ll be able to forgive myself for this. But just know, I do love you. With every fiber of my being. It was always you. And I want you to remember that for just a while, Brendon. And then…. Let me go.
I love you. Always.
Ryan
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