FicWad

"What do you mean she's a vampire?!" I cry, jumping to my feet.

"I sent her here to look out for you," Gerard reveals grimly. "After I left Knives I called her and asked her a favor. She agreed to take care of you."

"But she's a stripper!" I yell loudly.

"Vampires need jobs too, Stella," says Gerard quietly.

"Why did you give her a dirty look inside?" I say.

Gerard shrugged and shoved his hands in his pockets. "She didn't do exactly as I requested.""

"You mean she didn't keep me and Jacob apart?"

Gerard glowered at a tree. I took that as a yes.

"I can't believe this," I say. "No wonder she was always there when I was in trouble."

I thought back to all the times my life had been in danger-there were a lot-Mindy had always turned up to save my ass. It hadn't seemed suspicious at the time, but I should have known Gerard would pull something like this.

"Did you ask her to start dating my dad too?" I say.

Gerard shakes his head. "I had nothing to do with that," he assures me.

"They're doing it, you know," I told him.

"Doing what?" says Gerard innocently.

"You know, getting their freak on. I should know, my bedroom is down the hall," I say with a shiver.

"Like I said, I had nothing to do with that," repeats Gerard.

"Will she go now?" I say. "She's not needed anymore."

Gerard looks into the distance mysteriously. "I don't know what will happen next."

I poke him in the stomach. "Yes you do, you can read minds."

Gerard gazes at me strangely. "Are you mad at me?"

I roll my eyes at how quickly he changes the subject. "Not really. This is classic Gerard. I'm used to it."

"What do you mean,classic Gerard?" he says curiously.

"I mean it's typical of your overprotective self to do something like this," I say.

"I do what I do because I love you and want to see you safe," he says.

I sigh. "I know, but no more surprises, okay?"

He smiles. "Deal. Shall we go inside now?"

He takes my hand and leads me back indoors. Unfortunately the vampire stripper and my dad are waiting for us in the kitchen.

"We've got news," announces dad happily.

I drop Gerard's hand like a hot potato. "Please, God, don't tell me you knocked her up!"

"No!" says dad, but grins. "We're getting married!"

"Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

*

Hours later I am sat in my bedroom staring at the wall. Gerard has been sitting quietly in the corner watching me the whole time, probably waiting for me to attempt suicide or something.

"I can't believe it," I whisper.

"Neither can I," says Gerard, though he doesn't look surprised.

"My dad is marrying a vampire. I wonder if he knows she's a vampire?" I muse.

"He may have a clue," says Gerard. "He probably doesn't care too much."

"My dads always been a bit slow up there," I say, tapping my head. "He'd probably make friends with Frankenstein."

"He's a good man," says Gerard loyally.

"At least they're getting married," I say stiffly, remembering my own disastrous proposal.

"Stella," begins Gerard. "We talked about this."

"No we didn't!" I yell. "You spiked my drink!"

"Marriage is complicated," says Gerard.

"So is being turned into a vampire," I argue. "And how do you know about marriage? Please don't tell me you've been married before.""

I haven't," says Gerard. "Mikey was married once. It was a disaster."

"Mikey's a nutter," I point out. "He's loco. Anything he does is a disaster."

"It's just a piece of paper," says Gerard.

"It's a lifetime commitment," I say. "It's important."

"I don't believe that, Stella," he says.

"I'll tell you what I don't believe," I start, suddenly getting a brilliant idea.

"What?"

"Sex before marriage."

Gerard pauses to stare hard at me. "Sorry?"

"I don't believe in sex before marriage. I'm totally old fashioned. There'll be no hanky-panky until there's a ring on my finger." It's a lie, but hey, I want to marry the guy and if this is the only way it happens, so be it.

Gerard raises an eyebrow. "That is not the impression I have gotten from you in the past."

"Well I've changed now. I'm sorry Gerard, I can't be intimate with you until you make an honest woman of me," I tell him.

"Fine," sniffs Gerard. "If that is what you want."

"It's a damn shame," I say dramatically. "What with me being a horny teenager and all. Sex is all I think about most days. I guess I'll just have to watch porn or something to satisfy my horny desires."

Gerard is speechless.

"I'll have to stop fantasizing about you as well. It's too bad you can't read my mind, Gerard. Wow, the things you would have seen...." I trail off suggestively. "It can get pretty X-rated up there. It's too bad I won't be able to act them out. You know, on you."

Gerard is on his feet in an instant. At first it seems he is about to jump on me-which I wouldn't mind one bit-but I blink and he is gone.

I saunter over to the open window and look out, feeling triumphant. If this doesn't make Gerard want to marry me then I'll have to borrow Mindy's stripper outfits and start walking around in them to show Gerard what he's missing. But something tells me it won't come to that.