Categories > Books > Harry Potter > One Wizard Too Many

Incisors and an Incitement for Violence

by KUCrow97 7 reviews

Dr. Harry Potter D.D.S.

Category: Harry Potter - Rating: R - Genres: Humor,Romance - Characters: Harry,Hermione - Warnings: [!!] [V] [?] - Published: 2011-08-25 - Updated: 2011-08-25 - 2265 words

a/n: Still don’t own the Potter franchise or the billions of dollars it commands. Depressing; but true.

One Wizard Too Many Ch 3
Incisors and an Incitement to Violence

“The real problem with a powerful weapon is selecting the best time for its use. Damn! I hate being all responsible!” Harry’s thoughts on this day were centered on restraint. As much as he might want to snatch up his wand and visit painful mayhem on his peers, he realized an obstacle existent to all who maintain pretentions of sanity. To wit: he needed to somehow justify his actions. Specifically, he needed someone to present a credible threat so he could promptly rain offensive spellfire down upon their arses.

“General arseholery isn’t enough to start shooting hexes. I need someone to really beg for it, someone who has a history of poorly veiled threats and a certain tendency towards verbal diarrhea. I need Draco Malfoy.” Harry would next see the scion of Malfoy at his next Potions meeting later that day. Usually, Professor Snape’s class was one to be dreaded, unless one enjoyed torrents of verbal abuse and blatant favoritism to those who weren’t Harry Potter.
On this day, however, Harry could honestly say he was looking forward to it.
Leaving the Great Hall and lunch behind, the fourth year Gryffindors made their way into the dungeons to congregate near the Potions classroom to await their esteemed instructor. Harry walked with Hermione and Neville Longbottom, chatting amiably about nothing in particular. Outwardly it appeared a peaceful scene.

Hermione could tell something was bothering Harry, being the keenly observant person she was. She knew her Harry.

“Her Harry? Hmm. Must explore that idea further. Later though.” Hermione thought as an aside. She could tell the young man was looking for something, his green eyes scanning the corridor endlessly. “What is he seeking?”

Directly she had her answer. Harry’s eyes stopped their scan and alit upon Malfoy and his Neanderthal bodyguards coming towards the Gryffindor group.

“He’s seeking provocation. And I do believe he’s found it.” Hermione thought as she placed a small hand on her wand handle. She saw Neville also inch his hand towards his secreted wand.

“What is this? High Noon at the OK Corral? Apparently I’m Wyatt Earp and Harry’s Doc Holliday…”

Harry, for his part, was positively gleeful to see Draco. He struggled to make his face look wary and concerned.

“Say something, you stupid sonovabitch!” Harry’s desires were simple.

“Well, well. Potty, mudblood, and the squib. Here to fail potions again?” Draco sneered.

“Witty as always, Malfoy. Did daddy dearest feed you that line? Or do you write your own materiel? Either way, the inbreeding is beginning to show a bit.”

“Come on you fuck! Use some fightin’ words! Pussy!” Harry was raging inside.

Hermione sidled away a bit, looking for a better angle on the bookend idiots. Neville turned a bit to offer a smaller target.

“My father is a great man! He practically runs this country!” The Malfoy family legacy: one of Draco’s many weak points. Harry saw his opening.

“Your father is a Death Eater and a poncy cunt! I saw a house elf fuck his shit up two years ago! Are all Malfoys such poncy cunts?” Harry’s eyes were cold and hard, but he was getting a trifle dizzy inside.

“Come on! Get yourself all filled with righteous indignation and do something stupid!”

Hermione wanted to chastise Harry for his language, but she did allow for the fact he was working. The scene was compelling though, she had to admit. Gryffindor and Slytherin were both drawn up to the side, watching the display in utter astonishment. The six of them, squaring off to do battle. No one backing down. Harry was particularly captivating: tense with excitement, green eyes aflame with the expectation of combat. Draco looked frightened. Crabbe and Goyle were patently confused. Even Neville was nervous, but game. All they lacked was the theme from ‘The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly’ playing in the background.

“There has to be a charm for that, like a soundtrack spell! I’ll ask Professor Flitwick later.”

Draco spoke again. “How… how dare you speak about my father that way! I won’t stand for it!”

“Then sit for it, or lie down. Better yet, why don’t you kneel? Just like dear old dad when he used to suck off old Voldemort? That’s what poncy cunts like you do, right?”

Draco went very red in the face, and began firing off hexes. Harry had his fight.

Harry drew his wand, and with a muttered “Finally!” he started shooting back. His first hex (Bludgeoner) hit Malfoy in the chest, knocking him back into the wall and sliding to the ground. Malfoy had shot in his direction, but mostly missed with his red and blue curses. Crabbe, who was opposite Neville, had barely managed to draw when he was hit with a curse (bat bogey) from the scion of Longbottom. Mr. Crabbe would be too busy warding off the mucus bats emitting from his own trollish face to be of any further use in the fight. Goyle was quicker and shot a yellowish spell at Harry which cut his left arm a little. Hermione yelled something unladylike and cursed Goyle hard (Stunner). The large boy bounced a few times as he skidded down the corridor. Malfoy managed to connect with a curse when he shot one at Hermione (Desangueo), causing her two front teeth to begin growing rapidly. Harry ended the fight by cursing Crabbe (Stunner), and freezing Malfoy (Petrificus Totalis), who was still slumped against the wall.

“Hermione!” Harry rushed over to comfort the stricken girl.

“What’s the meaning of this? What happened here?” Snape sounded quite angry. Not as angry as Harry felt, however.

“Professor! Malfoy started shooting off hexes in the corridor and had to be put down.” Neville piped up. “He managed to hit Hermione here.”

Snape was silent for a moment, regarding the now tusked girl. He then drawled: “Really? I see no difference in Miss Granger’s appearance.”

Harry was hit by a dizzy spell. He was quite angry before, but he was going to hurt someone for this.

Hermione sobbed once and ran down the corridor towards the Hospital Wing.

Harry could only glare for a moment. “I can’t kill them, I really can’t. I want to; holy shit do I want to.”

Instead, in a calm voice, he addressed the professor. “Sir, there’s something I’d like you to have.” He handed Snape a small piece of parchment from his pocket.

Snape glanced at the note for a moment, perplexed. The odd look persisted as Harry hit him with a Petrificus Totalis.

“That, Professor Snape, is an explanation for what I’m about to do in the next few moments.”

In later years, Harry’s recollection of events was always a bit fuzzy when he thought of the corridor battle. Extreme emotion has a way of doing that.

Harry turned to the astonished students. “Beat it! You don’t want to be a party to this.”

The Lions and Snakes scattered.

He next turned to Malfoy, who was looking on with wide eyes from his frozen position.

“Like to hit girls, you poncy cunt?” He slapped the blond Slytherin

“Let me let you in on a little secret: I don’t like you. Shocking, I know. But, I don’t have to hurt you because of that. No, your silly little games with pins, or your childish taunts don’t bother me at all.”

He sat on Draco’s chest and peered down at him.

“What I don’t like is when you do something to Hermione. Your leering and repeated use of the term ‘mudblood’ kinda bugs me a bit. I was going to let you go, but now… Well, the Yanks call this a ‘teachable moment’, and I’m going to teach you about retribution.”

He transfigured a pair of middling size pliers. Draco tried to whimper a bit, but the freezing made most of his efforts impossible.

“You know, this’ll hurt me more than it will you, but it’s for your own good.”

“Heh, guess we’ll see.”

Harry ended the freezing curse, and was able to pin Malfoy to the ground and grip his jaw, pulling it open. Malfoy emitted a kind of watery shout, but couldn’t close his mouth.

“Open up and say ahh.” Harry gripped Draco’s front tooth with the pliers and twisted hard. Malfoy screamed and bled copiously.

“My my, Mister Malfoy, you really need to floss more. You might suffer premature tooth loss if you don’t!” Harry chided. He gripped the other front incisor with the pliers and pulled straight back. The tooth broke with a snap.

“Whoops! Kinda new at this dentistry thing. Have to ask Hermione for some pointers!” Harry said cheerfully, his pleasant bedside manner in place.

Draco screamed in pure agony. It was a very wet, gurgling kind of scream; and caused some blood to spatter out onto the flagstones of the corridor.

“Oh, don’t carry on so! This procedure is covered by your insurance! Unless you have an HMO; you’re not in an HMO, are you?”

Harry managed to extract the rest of the tooth after a few tries. The darn gums kept getting in the way!

“Okay, Draco, all done! Don’t forget to brush and floss, and see the nurse on the way out for a free pencil eraser!”

Harry got up and let Draco sob for a bit, before stunning him. The peace and quiet made it very worth it. He then went over to address Snape. The Professor’s eyes bulged apoplectically.

“Okay Snivellus, I know you have a lot of questions from what you’ve just seen, and that’s only natural. It’s called dentistry and it’s a muggle healing art, primarily having to do with the teeth and gums. More importantly, Draco received a personal demonstration of what is, admittedly, an amateurish technique because he needs to learn not to antagonize me. Hopefully, he’ll prove a quick study in this particular discipline. Before you are tempted to follow his example, you should read that little note in your hand. But just to help you remember…”

Harry studied Snape’s frozen face for a moment, before waving his wand in a complicated pattern. Grinning at his handiwork, he muttered to himself: “Heh, Lavender couldn’t do any better!” And turned to walk to the Hospital Wing.

“H.. Harry?” A tremulous voice came from behind him.

Harry spun and leveled his wand at what proved to be Colin Creevy; about to piss himself.

“What?” Harry barked. “Never seen a dentist’s office before?”

“I don’t have time for this!”

Colin gulped, “They need you for the Wand Weighing, in the Great Hall.”

Harry stalked up to the little third year threateningly, he didn’t like stalkers much.

“You tell them I’m busy, and I’ll get there when I’m good and ready!”

Colin nodded, and ran off up the corridor. Harry continued in the general direction of the Hospital Wing, and began whistling a merry tune.

“Harry! What’d I miss in Potions today?” Hermione inquired after Madam Pomfrey finished shrinking her teeth to a more human scale.

“Dunno, never made it to class. In fact, I think class was canceled.” Harry looked at her for a moment. “Smile for me, will ya hun?”

Hermione gave Harry a great big smile. It seemed very easy for her to smile whenever Mr. Potter was around.

“Looks great! Madam Pomfrey does great work!” Harry said. The Matron rolled her eyes at the praise, but grinned anyway.

“You’re free to go, Miss Granger.” Pomfrey said, releasing the girl.

“Of course, Pomfrey did have great materiel to work with…” Harry said as he slipped an arm around her waist, walking next to her out of the ward.

“Prat.” She smacked his arm playfully. “What happened after I left?” Now that they had some privacy, she asked the question she really needed answers to.

“I’ll give you some hints: what do your parents do for a living? And what does the Bible say about revenge? Old Testament, anyway.”

Her eyes widened. “Oh Harry! You didn’t! You grew his teeth?”

“Nope.” He opened his hand (not the one around Hermione), and showed her his little ‘souvenirs’.

Hermione, upon seeing the two front teeth in his palm, was torn between wanting to yell about irresponsibility, laughing hysterically, and feeling touched that he cared enough to disfigure someone for her.

She settled for cautioning him quietly. “You know there will be ramifications from this. Please be careful Harry.”

“Don’t worry, I will. I’m just sorry you got hit in the melee. You’ve got to be careful too.”

“Well, I think your revenge should suffice for my discomfort. I even had the incisors shrunk down a bit, less ‘bucky’ that way.”

“Ah, you’ve always had a pretty smile. Does look good, though.”

“Thanks, that’s sweet. Where to now, since we seem to have a free period with no Potions to go to?”

“Shoot! ‘Creepy’ told me they wanted me for the ‘Wand Weighing’, or some such tripe. Care to go?”

“Lead on, good sir.” The companionable couple strolled on to the next segment of the tourney.
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