FicWad

Ungh. Great.
Did you ever feel like slapping yourself for what you’ve done, something you’re not proud of and you wish you could change your decision by doing something else... something better for your future?
You’re right, that’s what just happened to me. I’m not supposed to make mistakes, not now, when I’m 29 years old. Nearly thirty... I should know what’s a good thing to do and what is not. Especially when I drink.
But... everyone makes mistakes, righ’? Even an old man who has experienced almost everything can suddenly snap and do something unreasonable. I should probably get over it. I did something stupid and now I have to pay for it.
Maybe I can talk about it. At least I’ll have something more useful to do than lying on the bed and cursing myself.
It was a night. One rough, meaningful night. I was so exhausted.

It was a rainy night, none of us really wanting to go home and risk getting our clothes wet. We all excused ourselves at home. Not really a problem, or at least Jamia was always fine with that. She is an awesome woman, and just the fact she wasn’t jealous or something as long as I said where I am and when I’ll come home was proving it. One of the many things I loved her for, because I’m not sure whether I’d be the same.
I didn’t want to get drunk. And I wasn’t, I must say. But adrenaline in your breath and inpresence of a mirror give you... courage. Well, you’ll see yourself.
The conversation was slowly ending up on our work. Gerard suggested to celebrate the end of the CD, just to have few drinks before recording the last song. It won’t be really visible in the end, he said, we’ve practised the song enough. He looked and me and added, “Because for some of us it doesn’t really matter whether he’s drunk or not, he’s great anyway.”
My heart suddenly exploded with warmth. “Aw, c’mon!” I laughed. I could’ve doubt about my performance during being drunk, but I didn’t do so. I punched his arm gently and smiled. “We all know it’s Mikey whose arms are like on fire when he drinks too much.” He giggled and I’ve caught Mikey’s blushing smile. He gave me a doubtful look and shook his head a little, still smiling.
Gerard hit his thighs and looked up to asure himself of our attention. “Gentlemen, it’s time for something I’ve had here since the very beginning.”
“Well ew. I didn’t know you kept the vodka and the juice for nine years,” said Mikey with disgusted expression. I couldn’t help myself but giggle.
“Not this beginning, brother,” Gerard laughed, “I mean, since we’ve recorded Na Na Na.” With that words, he opened the small fridge we had in there and took the bottle from it along with a pack of some random juice. No, wait... it was cherry juice. My smile widened.
In a hour and half we’ve finished the whole alcohol and decided to go recording before we get dangerously drunk and end up in each other’s beds. We laughed about it.
Gerard was doing really well in the song. If I didn’t know he was drunk, I would think he’s way too sober to record such a song which Vampire Money is. Not that I remember what exactly happened during the recording, but... when I’m drunk, I kinda... see Gerard quite differently than when I’m sober. I have more courage, y’know. Maybe it has something to do with our past, especially around the year 2001. Back then, we loved each other. Well, we thought so. We didn’t have sex or something, most of the time we were hugging or simply touching. But then, he realized that what he felt for me wasn’t love, and he’s not gay. I accepted it. I didn’t cry because of that, I knew he will stay on my side. Even if our band would split up, I’d want him as a friend.
But with the time... I started imaginating us together. How would it look? I can’t say these thoughts were strange and unpleasant for me, once or twice I was even about to share them with Gerard. But I knew it would ruin our friendship and it would be really naive either. It could never work out.
After we finished the last riffs, Ray told us he’s kinda sleepy. So were we, so we agreed completely. It was still raining outside. Mikey quietly suggested a sleep-over at our old tourbus, which was like thousand fucking times nearer than our homes. I turned to Mikey and others, shyly nodding. I agreed either, my mind overwhelmed by Gerard and I being so close it would be dangerous to left us like that, drunk and... drunk.
A lot of the vodka with a pint of juice in my stomach blurred all my fears and pushed them further into my mind. I can’t expect anything to happen, I’d be naive if I did. So very naive.

The most of the night was quiet and, I’d say, awkward. I didn’t really know what is happening, due to my intoxication and the moment when we weren’t on tour and yet we slept over at our tourbus. It’s the kind of awkward when you don’t know what to expect from others, whether their habits changed or they stayed the same. There was always something in the year we didn’t see each other so much which made us astemious about ourselves, and I wasn’t really sure whether this time we were right that something changed or not.
A few minutes, we just stopped, looking at our old things we left there. It wasn’t really a mess, because the most of the things was missing. But with the few things in there, I felt quite habited. Mikey reached for a rubber duck he kept for already six years. Ray had the same one, the one Mikey was handing him now. The duck sadly hooted as Mikey squeezed it. Our eyes met, we both smiled shyly and turned back to our business.
I realized I need to be alone for a while. I let Mikey and Ray talk quietly, recalling memories and letting them vanish and go away with the simple sentence “It’s the pastˮ. I think we all were happy it was all over, because the last tour was the hardest for all of us, I guess. Every single of us did some mistakes we still have to push back and apologize for to each other. But even if we won’t say sorry, there still is that feeling you always feel in your best friend, you can sense his regret.
In this specific case, I think just Mikey and Ray were the closest to each other.
My old bunk. I’ve spent so much time in it, getting ideas, letting thoughts go through my head, crying, smiling... It was like my second home. All I wanted to do in my life was music anyway, so back then, when I didn’t have children and a loving wife, I used to call it my home. The only I’ll ever have, I thought.
It’s time to forget everything I did now.
As I sat on the mattress, I felt something underneath my butt. A paper probably. I reached for it and looked it up, then gasping a little at the flood of memories.
It was a photo of Gerard.
I bit my lower lip as I remembered that this was my favorite photo of him, so I kept it convincing myself it hasn’t got any subliminal meaning. Not in the beginning at least...
There were times, when I was obsessed with him. He obviously saw my effort, but he never gave up on a hope that I’ll just get over that he’s not like me. He never was.
I’ve tried everything. Trying to make him jealous by seeing me with someone else, then conversely being completely there for him and promising myself not to have anyone else but him... Nothing helped. He still threatened me like his friend, his best friend with a piece of luck. I’ve done so many things for him I was sick of it and the guy I was pretending to hang out with was trying to bend me over somewhere and have sex with me. I had to tell him I don’t love him anymore therefore I do not wish him to fuck me, as I was still a virgin and I didn’t trust him at all. I saved it... for Gerard. But he never came to me, not even when he was so drunk he’d do anything to get laid. And I kept waiting.
I haven’t talked to him for days once because I thought he was fucking with Bert. Bert, the guy always in the middle of fucking nowhere when Gerard needed it the most, while I was picking him up from the ground when he passed out, where was he? I told Gerard that he has to choose between me and him, spiting all those things in his face, nearly crying because I was angry with myself as I was scared he’ll choose him. I was jealous of him, when I saw them kissing in front of cameras, when I heard they “kissed for so long it was funnyˮ. I was lovesick, literally. Not like in the movies, no life is a movie. So wasn’t mine. But I hated the fact I wanted him, and I’d sacrifice everything to get his lips on mine once again.
I hated the fact I wouldn’t care whether he’d kiss me in front of people, or alone in one room.
I sighed and folded back the photo, throwing it over my shoulder back to the bed.
This is also already over.
As I got up with the intention to make myself a coffee, I catched Mikey giggle softly. I immediately remembered that this didn’t happen as often as now back then in the Black Parade era. Mikey was always the one who rather watched things happen, doing his part of a thing but not sticking his nose in the others’. He was always present to all our meetings, he was never left out. But he wasn’t anything really impact in the matter of the band. Yet so I can’t imagine him not being there. It’s hard to explain.
Basically, I think he was assessing us for those years, seeing our light and dark sides. The question, however, was: Did he ever stop doing so?
No matter how I want not to admit it, I was eager to know his little secret. The one everyone has, y’know. But they never talk about it. The kind of secret no one can get unless he experienced the exact same. And who’s got the time to explain everything in your life?
My own anger tore apart my thoughts. We were out of coffee. Again.
But then I realized I have to go sleep to wake up early for a headache and getting back home. Coffee wouldn’t help me fall asleep.
So I went back to the main room with couch, but no one was there already. I heard some quiet talk from the bunk area and I was about to go there and ask where Gerard was, as I knew the voices are Mikey and Ray. But my intention was interrupted by shower being turned on. Oh, so he went shower himself. I don’t have to ask then.
As I stood a while in the sound of shower, I suddenly realized Ray with Mikey stopped talking. I was about to go in there without disturbing their conversation or something, but then–
“I’m sorry, Mikey.”
There was no doubt it was Ray’s voice. I hesitated about going in there as I could just go closer to the half-opened door and lurk safely from a distance.
So I did.
When I looked into the room where they were, I was relieved by the fact Ray’s back faced me and Mikey was standing in front of him so he couldn’t see me. My mind was automatically connecting the sentence he said to alternative story I just made up. It didn’t seem like he was telling him he loves him, but... maybe he did. What do I know.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize, we all made our mistakes.” I could clearly imagine Mikey smiling to cheer up his friend. Hm. So he didn’t after all. Nevermind, I couldn’t imagine them together anyway.
Since Ray still looked apologetical, Mikey pulled him into a hug. I instinctively jumped back in fear he’ll see me over Ray’s shoulder, but he closed his eyes. A weird action while a simple friend hug, but whatever. I relaxed.
They didn’t let go of each other for a long while. They did nothing, just holding while hypnotizing the floor and obviously thinking about something, serious expression in both faces. After like, thirty seconds, their bodies finally moved. They started to letting go of themselves, but they turned heads so they faced each other. In that moment, their noses were nearly touching the other’s cheek and lips were just a milimeter away. Their eyes were half lidded. It was almost looking like they’re going to...
Their lips softly touched as they both closed their eyes.
At the same moment the shower was turned off and we heard slippery footsteps tapping slightly on the bathroom tiled floor.
Mikey and Ray immediately let go like they were burnt by fire itself and watched each other with shock in their eyes. I saw Mikey volatilize between Ray’s eyes as his jaw was nearly dropped by the astonishment caused by his own act. Then he turned away from him and marched rapidly to the kitchen.
I quickly turned away, going to sit on the couch. Gerard went out of the bathroom in a bathrobe he liked to wear lately. I miss the days he used to wear just a towel wrapped around his hips...
But this is little guilty pleasure should be over either. And I’m drunk.
I was fucking sure Mikey and Ray were pretty tipsy too, so I couldn’t give less fucks about what just happened. It was nothing against what Gerard...
I need to stop. It’s over. And it’s never coming back. It is really a sensitive topic in our band and I don’t want to talk about it. I’m just happy it’s the way it is right now. Everything gets better.
You may not understand some of the thoughts floating in my mind, but guys, seriously – what would you expect of vodka?
He was back in a while, dressed in boxers only. I immediately remembered him sleeping either naked or in that big-ass pyjamas he didn’t wear since 2004. He was...
He was shy?
Well, not that I’d enjoy him walking around just as God made him anyway, but... oh, wait.
I forced myself not to think about it to avoid something uncomfortable. I stood up and walked into the bunk area, counting my steps or whatever and keeping my face straight. I surely looked like an idiot, walking from right to left and vice versa, not knowing what to do. And plus, my head was spinning in circles and the want to dive in my bed and... y’know.
“Frank?” Oh shit, he noticed my confusion. I calmed myself before turning back at him.
“Yeah?”
“I was just... thinking, y’know. About the CD.” Fucking CD. I swear all he was fucking thinking about was his family, friends, music and fans. Oh well, family – since Mikey claimed he’ll take care of himself, for good – it has been reduced to Bandit and Lindsey. The fucking end.
He walked towards me. He likes talking to people from not that far away as you would appreciate with the motherfucking sexual tension which can blow the fuck up every second. Before you ask, yes, that’s a boner.
“I think it’s perfect enough, Gerard. We redid it once already, and if we won’t release it now, fans will do really weird shit, trust me.” I was getting pretty pissed about my situation, and I knew Gerard could feel it. Not what I was angry about, though. He probably thought I’m angry with him.
“Frankie, I–” He didn’t suffice to finish what he wanted to say as I was magically sucked onto his lips with mine. Basically, I just grabbed the back of his red hair and pushed it onto me.
He called me Frankie. It was done.
Both struggling over balance, we lowered our jaws and clawed to each other. Oh my God and that felt so good.
I could recognize the smell of red lipstick, not very intense, but very significant. I didn’t care though. He approved. He approved, inebriated and probably not fucking for few days, but he did.
I opened my thighs wide and bucked him onto me with my hands, squeezing his ass at the opportunity to feel the unique feeling of his cock. I moaned heavily and did the most embarrassing and sexy face I could.
The message was clear. Come into me.
But he suddenly he turned the card and pulled back strongly. I kept my position even through I knew what will happen. With a little small piece of my heart I trusted he won’t shake me off him and will take me in his hands, oh the hands, and carry me to the heaven waiting for me since I’ve met him.
“What the fuck, Frank?” He said, slightly disgusted expression in his face. My whole dream was over. And it didn’t even last one minute.
“I... I can’t...”
“No. Don’t you fucking dare tell me this. Not that you can’t, you must. Forget it. Forget me. What is so fucking hard about it, for fuck’s sake?! I want a friend I can fucking trust, Frank. I don’t want a fuck buddy anymore!” I’ve felt the tears making their way across my face. I covered my mouth with my hand to stifle a sob. Then I rubbed off the tear with my hand, vainly though, as the other tears continued their way. Gerard was suddenly at the exit from the bunk area, as if I was a creature raping little children.
“How can you call a fuck buddy someone waiting for nine years?!” I shouted back at him. From rare anger, I searched for words easily. “You don’t know the amount of nights spent by crying, the plain excuses on my illness so I could cry without someone asking me whether I’m fucking okay! The only fucking thing being a relief after a long day with you was my own family, Gerard. Jamia! I don’t want my family to be openly known, as if we were something you can motherfucking study through! I never wanted to! I want my life to be separated, my personal life and music! It was you who always talked about how you love her and shit! I’m sick! I’m sick, I’m sick, I’m fucking sick of this shit already! Get it, you fool hopelessly in love! Thanks to you everyone knows everything about us!” My angry shout appeared to be a desperate clamor, cry out in pure want to jump out of the window. I was fucked.
I looked in his face once more, meeting with tears and disappointment. I disappointed him. I did what a true friend wouldn’t. Told him his life, his better life after months of intoxication and drugs was bad for us. Told him that the better life isn’t better for everything and everyone.
He was selfish. And I was a fucking moron wanting to keep the little piece of faith inside forever. I finally realized, admitted to myself...
I never stopped hoping he’ll love me.

Thenceforth, he didn’t talk to me. I know he was pissed about what have I said, and he knew I was pissed at him in some way. Truth be said, I knew I didn’t have the right to be pissed at him. I should be happy he’s happy. I should be always at his side, smiling and calming him down, giving him advices in case he’ll get in trouble.
My oppoturnity is over.
Another night without sleeping, letting the tears wet my pillow. I suffer from my own stupidity, and I knew what I said was what I indeed thought, no matter how drunk I was. Alcohol gave me courage, not crap into my brain.
We were hanging around in tourbus again, getting our clothes in there and preparing it for the tour. I was sitting on my bunk when he entered.
“Frank?” He said, like he thought I was mentally somewhere else. And I was, in fact. I still felt guilty and... well... bad. I knew I acted like an asshole.
“What is it?” I tried to show my feelings as little as possible.
“I need to talk to you. About what happened,” he started. I wasn’t looking at him, so I didn’t see his face expression, but I heard the nervosity in his voice. He picked his words carefully.
I stood up. I didn’t want him to apologize for anything, he did nothing after all. I was the fool here. Not him. And a person has to be selfish a little in his life. Either he’d never be happy.
“If you want to apologize, don’t. I’m sorry. I really am. I shouldn’t do it, I was... The only person I’m angry with is myself, Gerard. You bear no responsibility for what happened.” I looked up at him. His eyes were watery as he came closer and hugged me.
“I couldn’t just let you go, Frank. You were here all the time when I needed it the most. I could never forget you. Ever.” His voice broke and hoarsened as he said the last sentence. My eyes were blurry and I knew that if I speak, my voice won’t sound really stable. But I did anyway.
“Will you forgive me, Gee?”
“I already did.”
With that, I couldn’t hold back the tears anymore. I buried my face in his shoulder and started crying, shaking and trying not to sob. I could feel him slightly jerking with the silent sobs he made. He clenched around me tighter and I responded to his grip with mine.
I didn’t even try to dry my tears as we let go of each other, and so didn’t he. He smiled when he saw my face wet with tears. One of them tickled my cheek and I rised my hand in meaning to wipe it off, but his hand was faster. A surprised shadow ran across my face.
“What...”
“Shh. Everything is alright.”
With that, he leant to me and planted a soft kiss on my cheek right next to my lips. So close I could move my head to the right and passionately return his favor, but the fact he deliberately avoided my lips made me change my intention.
He pulled back and smiled at me. And then he left.
After all this, in my heart was still the piece of hope I felt for all these years. The desperate prayer which kept me together, the everything I had when I dreamt about him. The childish adoration with no escape, no backyard door opened wide so I could run away from it. Just music. And there I was, on his side, forever and always. Music was no longer an exit for me.
But that day, I promised myself I’ll stay. I don’t want to run away from him. I don’t know where else would I go. So I’ll be there. Forever... and always.
I touched the spot with my fingers softly and I felt myself smiling.
Everything was okay once again.