FicWad

I'm sorry. I'm sorry I didn't try hard enough. I'm sorry I didn't ever tell you. I love you Gerard. I love you and now you are gone. 

Can you remember when we met? I was walking along the street with my headphones in, Black Flag on full blast; Went to cross a road without looking and almost got hit by a car if you hadn't of yanked me out of the way. You saved me. And I've failed to save you. 

Remember the first day I came round yours? I do. We sat in your little basement bedroom and you showed me your drawings. They were really good. Then you went and made us coffee, didn't you? When you put my mug on the table, your sleeve edged up slightly and I saw multiple little cuts over your wrist. But I didn't say anything, did I? I wish I did. 

I can remember when you admitted to me you were depressed. I told you I'd look after you. I'd protect you from your demons. I promised you I'd make you better. We kissed that day. Remember that? It was amazing. You know something? After that kiss, I went home the happiest man alive.  

Can you remember all those times we sat in Starbucks for hours on end, talking about video games, music and comics? I can remember thats when I first saw you smile. That smile was so perfect, it made my heart melt. 

What about the horror movie night? I wasn't scared I tiny bit but I pretended I was, just so you'd cuddle me and stroke my hair. 

You were my best friend, Gerard. I was so stupid. I should have known your smiles were fake. I should have noticed the sadness in your eyes. I should have known that you weren't okay no matter how much you said you were. I can remember when Mikey called me, worried sick for you. He told me you were ignoring him, locking yourself in the bathroom, how you wouldn't open the door. I told him not to worry. I should have gone round. I should of helped you. Mikey called me again, worried still. Then I came round, didn't I? You didn't answer the door though, no matter how many times I knocked and begged you to open up but you didn't. I had to kick the door down. I had to find you lying in the bath fully clothed in murky red water.  Pills were scattered around and a knife was on the floor. You left me Gerard. You let your demons get the better of you. We called an ambulance but we knew it was too late. You were gone. 

You wrote me a letter, didn't you? I remember exactly what it said:

Frankie,

I'm not very good at this shit, so I'll have to keep it short. I'm so so sorry. I can't do this anymore. I tried, Frank, I really did. I tried to stop cutting. I tried to be happy. I just can't.
Frank Anthony Thomas Iero Jr, you are the most amazing person I've ever met. You are beautiful and you better fucking know it. I fell in love with you from the very day I laid eyes on you. You gave me something to look forward to. But I'm not worth your time. You are too good for me. Too good for anyone, in fact. I'm sorry I was such a burden. I hope you fall in love one day and have children or something. I want you to be happy. Have the life I'll never have. I love you so so much Frank I can't describe it...

Goodbye,
G xxxxxxxxxx

I can't be happy without you Gerard. That's why I'm taking the easy way back to you. I'm going to be with you soon my love. I have a a simple fall. And once it's over, I'll be with you darling. It'll be over before I know it. I love you.