Categories > Celebrities > Good Charlotte > Another Broken Day
Thank you to lilith_thursday, carly, punkprincess GC, little t, shalow angel and sezra for your wonderful reviews
Disclaimer - none of this is real - its all FICTION. I dont own Good Charlotte or Tony from mest
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~ Billy's POV ~
[walking on the lonely road, the heartbreaking pain at my side
without two arms to hold me, nothing but the chain of goodbyes
I can't try to hide behind myself anymore
I can't try to reason with the pain and misfortune
so I will grab hold of forever and walk right through this open door]
I curled up in a tight ball as I heard the door close, trying to stop the tears from falling but they only fell faster. Images of Benji and me on the night I told him how I really felt kept repeating themselves over and over again in my head and the one thought that chases it is the knowledge that Benji doesn't love me and I have ruined the two most important things in my life.
My connection with Benji - and the band...Benji has always been my bestfriend no matter what was happening I could always go to him and tell him and he would always help me with it, we would always be together. weither it was blowing up the science lab together in school or just relaxing and watching movies. It was always the two of us..sometimes there would be others there, like Joel or Paul but me and Benji always had a connection cause we enjoyed doing the same things and liked mostly all the same stuff. Joel and paul are my bestfriends as well and I care about them...But Benji has always been the one I look up to, he saved me from my father and step mum when he convinced me that everything would be ok when I went and lived with him, that he'd keep me safe and protect me. which he did..no one had ever treated me like a real person, like I was worth anything until Benji. He was always there to hold me when I would cry myself to sleep, whispering in my ear that I was safe and that he wouldn't let anyone hurt me.
A choked sob fell past my lips at that last thought..He probably doesn't even remember promising me thoughs things..he's the one thats hurt me this time, it never hurt this much with the situation with my dad and step mother..I never cared about them. I learnt to numb myself of the emotional pain because I knew they never loved me and I never loved them...but I love Benji, have always loved him. He was the first person that I ever had feelings for in any sort of way. I was so stupid to think he could ever like me.
I turned over onto my back rubbing the tears from my eyes as they just kept coming, I stared up at the picture of Benji on my roof with blurry eyes. Night after night it made me smile just looking at it, now it made me sick to my stomach.
I hated Benji at that moment, hated him for making me think he would always be there for me, hated his smile, his laugh, hated his voice in the morning that I always enjoyed hearing. Hated him cause I loved him and cause he didn't love me back...I hated everything about him.
I sat up slowly, moving my legs underneath me to see if I can stand on my own. when I was finally standing on shaky legs I reached up and grabbed the picture of Benji from my roof and tore it down, ripping it into peices as I fell back onto my bed crying. Tearing at the poster till it was nothing but a pile of shredded paper on my bed. I sat on the bed staring at the remains of the picture and cried for what seemed like hours.
when I finally finished crying I swung my legs over the side of the bed and tried to stand, it took me two tries before I was finally walking into the bathroom that was attached to my bedroom. I walk in and lock the door behind me not wanting anyone to disturb me Not that anyone would care enough to come check on me. I'm nothing but a disease, a burden that people feel obligated to be with more than they actually want to.
I limp over to the cabinet on the left side of the bathroom and open up the top drawer and pull out the bottle of sleeping tablets that I take to help me sleep at night and a bottle of Jack Daniels that I keep hidden away. My legs start to give way on me as I try to make it to the toilet to sit down on the closed lid. I wipe the tears from my eyes and take a deep breath, refusing to let anymore tears fall as I open the bottle and place atleast 5 to 10 pills into my hand, and swallowing them quickly, taking a drink from the Jack Daniels. "I love you Benji" I whisper to the empty room as I drink more of the Jack Daniels, skulling it quickly.
I've drank more then half of the bottle by now but stopped taking the sleeping tablets that i'm holing in one hand and the Jack Daniels in the other. I slid off the toilet lid and lie down onto the floor, watching as the remaining pills spill onto the floor out of my reach. my eye lids becoming heavy and I sigh in relief as I feel myself falling asleep and hope that I don't wake up knowing that everything will be right when i'm no longer here to be in anybodies way.
Betrayed - Hate
My darkest fears have become a frightening truth
And the wounds are hidden so you cannot feel the pain
For I have chosen the path of misery and sorrow
And my skin will continue to wither and decay
Happiness - where are you?
Will this grief be swept away?
This madness must stop or this world I'll depart
As reality blends into horrific dreams
My departure from Earth is getting near
And as I approach death, I'll show no fear
I need you here to ease this pain
For I fear it shall never dissipate
Yet you are so far away and the blood continues to flow
I felt your warmth - I can't touch your skin
Remembering, as the knife caresses my flesh
And I summon forth suffering and despair
Yet it is something I do not wish to do
My blood absorbs the poisons
Drugged, confused - the walls enclose around me
My mind is so high - my spirit continues to fall
And the anguish recedes as life slips away
Breathless, I beckon eternal sleep
For I shall live no more to be with you
As I see your fate appear through the mist
~Benjis POV~
I pulled up outside my house in the driveway and sit in the car just staring at the front door, comtemplating if I should go in or not..I knew that everyone would of heard about what happened between me and Billy by now and I wasn't ready to face it yet, I wanted to visit Billy in the hospital and explain to him that what I did was wrong and that I didn't mean to hurt him at all. But I couldn't stand seeing him lying in that hospital bed hurt and knowing it was my fault, Its one of the reasons why I left, I just had to get away from it all and clear my head. So I rang Tony and explained to him what happened and asked to borrow his holiday house for a few weeks, I wanted to be alone but Jesse wouldn't let me leave without her.
I broke up with her two weeks ago, I just couldn't stand to be around her any longer, I never really could but I tried to be happy with her and ignore all the things I hated about her.
I never really cared for her she was just one of a long line of girls that i've had in the last six months, i've always felt like there was something missing in my life but I never really knew what. I thought I was just lonely so I got girlfriend after girlfriend trying to convince myself that each new one would be the ONE. The one I would be happy with and spend the rest of my life with, the one I would want to show off to the world and tell them how happy they make me. but none of them were, it just made me more depressed. I put my head down and look down at my hands sitting in my lap..I didn't realize I had been shaking until then. I took a deep breath and tried to control my shaking as I looked back at the house. Why was I so nervous? I've walked into the house millions of times before..But I just couldn't bring myself to get out of the car.
Over the last Few weeks i've been doing alot of thinking about how I really feel about Billy.
I never thought Billy could love somebody like me. Billy's beautiful, sweet and caring..everything i'm not. He's got alot more courage then I do, I never would of been able to do what he did and admit my feelings. I've been bestfriends with Billy since I was a teenager, we've always done everything together since the day we met at school. As I think back on it I can see all the clues pointing to the way Billy feels.
~flashBack~
I run down the stairs jumping down three stairs at a time and then walk into the kitchen to see my twin brother Joel helping my mum with cooking dinner. I walk up to my mother and give her a kiss on the cheek .
"hey mama, is it alright if I just go over to Billys for half an hour he hasn't been at school all week and I want to see if he's ok. I'll try to be home for dinner" I say walking slowly to the back door as I speak and giving her my best puppy dogg face when I finished, silently begging her to let me go.
"ok Benji, just make sure your home for dinner. you know how angry your father gets when your not here for dinner" she says turning back to the vegtables.
"thanks mama" I turn around and almost run out the door before I feel a hand on my arm pulling me back. I turn around and look into Joels identical chocolate brown eyes.
"what Joel?" I whisper, pulling on my arm to free it from his grip but he just tightens his grip and pulls me closer.
"what do you think your doing Benji? Billy asked you not to go to his house anymore" he hisses looking me directly in my eyes and tightening his grip even harder, it'll probably leave a bruise.
I look at him defiantly and pull my arm out of his hand feircely, meeting his eyes with my own angry ones. "i'm worried about Billy and I want to go check on him. I'll be careful I promise."
"I don't want you to go Benji, you could get hurt" he whispers, I glance over at my mother to make sure she can't hear us and then back at Joel letting out a small sigh.
"I won't get hurt Joel, i'll be fine..I need to go so I can get back in time for dinner..if your worried about me getting hurt you should let me go..you know I have to be home for dinner" I take a few steps towards the door to make sure he can't grab me again, he doesn't say anything for a few seconds so I turn around and walk out the back door.
Just as I get to the side gate I feel a hand on my shoulder turning me back towards them, I know its Joel before I even turn around.
"Benji..atleast let me go with you so I know your alright" he says looking at me with sad and worried eyes. I look away from him and shake my head. "no Joel, stay here and help mama with dinner. I told you i'll be fine" He drops his hand from my shoulder and sighs sadly.
I turn around and walk out the gate and ignore his calls for me to come back, I know he watches me from our front lawn until I turn out of our street and head towards Billys place. I feel bad for not letting Joel come and as I get closer and closer to Billy's I regret my decision of making him stay home, But I couldn't let Joel come if there was a possibility of him getting hurt.
I wrap my jacket around me and look up at the dark cloud approaching. It looks like its gunna be a big storm. I put my head back down, watching my feet as I walk, only glancing up occasionally to make sure i'm going the right way. It only takes me a few more minutes until I am standing at the corner of Billy's street I can see his house from here, its a two story brick house with small rose bush out the front near the gate with a variety of other plants alongside the foot path leading up to the house with another small garden next to the front door.
I take a deep breath and continue walking until I'm standing out the front of Billys house, there a two cars in the drive way and another parked out the front so I know one of his parents are probably home. I walk up the foot path towards the door. When I knock on the door there was no answer, the door is open slightly and I could hear music playing in the house, I thought the music was just up to loud and Billy couldn't hear me knocking so I decided to let myself in and walked towards the source of the music playing upstairs, It was coming from the first room on the right.
when I walked in the first thing I noticed was a group of about 6 guys standing around a bed naked with there backs to me. I blush and turn away. Theres a woman in the far corner next to video camera that was faced towards the bed. She had straight blonde hair that went just past her shoulders and she was wearing a very short crimson red dress.
she hadn't noticed me standing at the door as she was to busy filming. The group of men standing naked around the bed were blocking my view of what or who was making the muffled screams on the bed. One of the naked men standing around the bed moved slightly to the side allowing me to see.
I took in a sharp breath and immediatly felt tears spring to my eyes as I saw Billy with his arms tied above his head, with a gag over his mouth. tears streaming down his face and eyes clentched closed as he was being brutely thrust into by another man, Benji couldn't see the mans face.
There was blood on Billys thighs and blood all over the bed below them. He felt like throwing up and running out of the room and never looking back, but he couldn't leave Billy here with these people. He contemplated if he could walk over to the bed and try to fight the guys, but they were all three times his size and there was atleast six of them. He had no chance in beating them.
He couldn't bring himself to look away, He watched silently as the man on Billy thrust one last time and moaned loudly before pulling out of Billy and rolling off him, cleaning the blood off of him with the bed sheet, he was the first to notice Benji standing in the doorway as he looked up at him. One of the other men who had been standing at the front of the bed started crawling onto the bed beside Billy who was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. "who the fuck are you?" the man who had just climbed off Billy asked, making every one in the room look at him. Billy still had his eyes clenched tight and whimpered as the man on the bed started stroking his chest.
Benji suddenly took a deep breath, realising that he had been holding his breath the entire time. He glanced quickly around the room before looking back at Billy, he couldn't open his mouth to speak and couldn't bring himself to move. He was shaking badly and felt like his legs were going to give way on him any minute. he looked over to the lady to see her smirking at Benji, the look made Benji's blood run cold.
"Billy, you never told us you had a friend coming over..we would of made arragements for him to join us had we known"she said. Benji shivered and felt like he was going to throw up.
Billy slowly opened his eyes and looked towards Benji, He eyes held such pain and confusion and another emotion Benji couldn't decipher as he looked Billy directly in the eyes. In that moment he would of done anything to see Billy's eyes fill with happiness. He wanted to walk over to the bed and pull Billy into his arms and hold him. But all he could do was keep eye contact and try to tell Billy silently he would get him out of here and help him.. he just wished he knew how. Billy closed his eyes and more tears ran down his cheeks.
The lady walked up to Benji an ran her hand down his chest, Benji flinched and pulled away from her, making her smile even more and try to touch him again. She giggled as he pulled away again "come on, you know you want to play..I see the way you look at Billy..you like him" She reached out quickly grabbing Benji's hand tightly and pulling him in towards her body, running her fingers through his hair. "I can see why Billy likes you, your gorgeous" she cupped Benji's face in her hands while her other hand was wrapped around his waist holding him to her. "yes..you would look very good in one of my movies" she ran her thumb over Benji's lips before slowly bending down to give Benji a Kiss, Benji Pushed her away feircely before she could kiss him though, a look of pure disgust coming to his face at the thought of her kissing him. He turned towards Billy to see the man on the bed lying in the same position next to Billy but this time stroking Billys thigh, the man whisper's something in Billys ear before removing Billy's gag and placing a kiss on Billys cheek. Billy whimpered before giving a small nod and turning towards Benji. "B-Benj" he had to lick his lips and take a small breath before trying again. "Benji..please, you have to leave..just go" tears slowly rolled down Billys cheeks.
Benji couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Billy..I can't leave you here....i'm sorry Billy" Benji took a step towards the bed but quickly took two steps back as he seen the lust in the guys eyes who were looking at him.
"no Benji...i'll be..ok...just leave ..I don't want you to see me like this" Billy trys to curl into a ball and hide himself but the man on the bed pushes his legs back down, not letting him move.
He couldn't leave Billy there...he looked at all the men and felt bile in his throat at the thought of what was going to happen to Billy once he left. The lady had been standing to the side away from Benji once he had pushed her away but she was now walking back over to him "I think he wants to stay Billy dear...I think he enjoys watching" Benji shot her a look of such hate it caused her smile to falter and she stopped walking towards him. "you stupid bitch..why are you doing this Billy??..what has he ever done to you?" I walked over to her and raised my hand to her, wanting so badly to hit her but I had been brought up better and knew not to hit a lady. "I'm leaving and Billy is coming with me NOW!"
"now see thats where you wrong...what was it ..Benji?? ..Billy is staying here with me and I have every right to do this to him...he's mine...and besides..he's gay so he should be enjoying this" she says smirking at Benji "if you would like to stay and join us ..then your more then welcome....or you can leave..but Billy is not going any where"
"Benji..please..just go..your just making it worse" Billy says quietly from the bed. I look over to him, he's not looking at me though he's shaking and looking down at the floor on the side of the bed as the man next to him is still watching me and stroking Billy's thigh. "i'm sorry Billy" I whisper before turning around and running out of the house, I don't stop running until I get home and collapse on Joels bed next to him in mine and his bedroom and finally let the tears fall. He pulls me into his lap and strokes my hair asking me whats wrong. I eventually stop crying and tell him everything that happened before falling asleep curled up next to him.
Billy avoided me the entire week at school, he wouldn't look at me and would always come up with excuses not to hang out with Joel, Paul and I.
I didn't blame him though, but I wanted to talk to him about what happened and get some answers. The last period on friday I got out of class 5 minutes early and decided to wait for Billy outside his classroom until he came out so I could talk to him. By the time I got to his room he was already walking out, he was looking down into his bag as I walked up to him. "Billy?" I asked quietly, He jumped and looked at me with wide eyes "just leave me alone Benji..I don't want to talk to you right now" he turns away and starts walking away from me, I follow him out into the school parking lot where its quieter and less people.
"Billy..just wait ok" I run up and walk beside him resisting the urge to reach my hand over and grab his chin and lifting his face up so his looking at me..I don't know how he'll react if I touch him so I put my hands in my pockets and continue walking with him. "Benji i'm serious ok..I don't want to talk to you anymore...I..I don't want to be friends with you anymore so please just leave me alone" I notice the tear that falls from his eye and I grab his shoulder gently making him stop walking. "Billy..your my best friend I care about you..I can't let you go back home....look..just come back to my place ok? please..I swear my parents will be fine with it and I won't try to make you talk about what happened..but I want you to kinow i'm always here for you and you can talk to me"
He hugs me suddenly, crying into my shirt. I hug him back telling him its gunna be ok and we'll get him away from his place. "what if she comes looking for me Benj..she'll hurt you and joel..your sister...I can't put you's at risk..its just better if I go back home...it's my fault it happens anyway" he whispers through sobs, I rub his back and hug him tighter "no Billy..none of this is your fault, you've done nothing wrong...I swear I won't let that bitch hurt you again...I walked out on you the first time and its been eating me up since...She won't hurt you again Billy" He starts crying again into my shoulder, I see Joel and Paul walking out of the school and I call them over, still hugging Billy and rubbing his back.
I explain to Joel that Billy is coming back to our place and his fine with it. When Billy stops crying we all go jump into Pauls car so he can give us a lift home. I sit next to Billy in the back seat and let him curl up at my side with my arm around him.
My mum was fine with Billy staying with us after I had told her Billy was living in an abusive household but thats all I had said..she didn't need to know any of the details until Billy was ready to tell her. He slept in my bed that night because he was afraid to sleep alone. He was curled up next to me with his head on my chest and his arm around me, I was stroking his hair softly listening to him breath. I slowly started to drift into sleep when I felt Billy look up at me "I love you Benji" he whispered so quietly I almost didn't hear it, I wanted to ask him if he had really said it or if I was imagining it but I had fallen asleep and had forgotten about it by the time I woke up in the morning.
~End Flashback~
I jumped suddenly as there was a knock on the car window beside me bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked over to see Joel standing there looking at me angrily, I hadn't seen him this mad at me in a long time, I slowly get out of the car and stand in front of him. I thought he was going to hit me but instead he hugs me tightly so I can't breath before relaxing and letting go of me and taking a step back.
"HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU JUST TAKE OFF BENJI? ..BILLY-YOUR BEST FRIEND WAS LYING IN HOSPITAL - ALMOST DEAD- AND YOU JUST TAKE OFF ON A FUCKING HOLIDAY WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND??" he yells suddenly. I lean against the car- slightly taken back by the change in attitude, but I deserve it I know I do. I look at him sadly and try to think of something to say. "i'm sorr-" but he doesn't let me finish before he starts yelling at me again.
"YOUR SORRY??..I'M NOT THE ONE YOU NEED TO BE APOLIGIZING TO" he begins to pace back and forth in front of me. "DO YOU KNOW BILLY'S IN THERE CRYING OVER YOU..HE'S CRIED EVERY NIGHT BENJI-EVERY NIGHT. I HOPE YOU HAVE GOOD EXPLAINATION" he stops in front of and crosses his arms over his chest looking at me expectently.
"Joel if you will listen to me for two seconds without yelling..." I take a deep breath and look my brother in the eyes. "I never wanted to hurt Billy..I know thats all my fault and i'm the one to blame...if I had of known maybe I could of spoken to Billy -"
"SPOKEN TO HIM?? BENJI YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE TO SPEAK TO HIM IN THE HOSPITAL..ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS TO SEE YOU" he yelled cutting me off again.
"would you just shut up Joel...do you think it was easy for me to see him in that hospital bed- " I try to explain to him calmly but he cuts me off again
"Benji it wasn't easy on any of us..especially since we also had to pick up the peices of your mess when you left" he says quietly shaking his head. "Benji..his in his room right now..I don't know if its a smart idea for him to see you right now but you owe him an apoligy" he gives me another hug. "its good your home though, I missed you" he whispers in my ear "I missed you to Joel..and I really am sorry" he nods and lets go of me turning around and walking back into the house. I grab my bag out of the trunk and walk inside.
Tony immediatly pulls me into a hug and pats me on the back "hey man, glad you came back we were all going crazy without you here" he says smiling.
"thanks Tony..thanks again for letting me stay at your place" I say. walking towards the stairs to try and find Billy as soon as possible to explain to him how I felt.
":no worries Benj..your my mate i'd do almost anything for you" Tony says. I nod and turn away from him walking towards the stairs, I get stopped by a few more people before Joel comes over and turns there attention away from me. I smile at him thankfully and he gives me a smile and a nod back..no matter what I do he can never stay mad at me.
I make my up the stairs and knock on Billys door, theres no answer. I knock a bit louder and start to get worried as theres no answer, "Billy?" I knock again and wait a second before opening the door slowly "Billy? you in here?" I call out but he's not in there. I walk over to the bed and notice the poster that Billy kept of me on the roof lying on his bed in shreds, I sigh quietly and feel tears come to my eyes but I don't let them fall.
I walk over to the closed bathroom door and knock quietly. "Billy...Billy!" I try to open the door but its locked. "Billy..I know i'm probably the last person you want to talk to right now..but..I am really sorry for what I did..just let me in and we can talk about it..please Billy?" I wait a few seconds for a reply but get none. "Billy...come on open the door and we can talk" I wiggle the door handle and try to get it to open but its no use. I sigh and sit down outside the bathroom door. "fine..if you want to be a baby I'm gunna sit out here until you come out" I shout through the door. Billy never was good at the waiting games, and I know that after calling him a baby would only make it worse.
I sit there nervously, glancing at my watch almost every minute for the past 5 minuites..usually he's given up by now, he really must hate me right now. I stand up and put my ear to the door trying to hear any sort of movement but I hear none. "Billy?" I whisper quietly with tears rolling down my cheeks. I wipe them away and stand up, taking a few steps backwards before running straight at the bathroom door and banging into it with all my weight. I bounce off the door and land on the floor on my back staring up at the still closed door. "fucking hell". I stand back up and run into the door another 6 times but its no use I can't break it down. I stay on my back on the floor staring up at the bathroom door trying to catch my breath.
I lie there for a minute before I realize I don't need to break the door down because you can open the lock from the outside with a small key that Billy keeps in his drawers next to his bed. I get up and run to the drawers pulling out the drawer out and dumping everything in it on Billys bed. Theres pages and pages of Billy's artwork that hes been drawing lately, I push them all to the side and search through all the things from his drawer, theres pens, pencils, condoms and atleast five diffrent keys I pick up all of them and run back over to the bathroom door and try to open it.
"just hold on Billy" I whisper putting the first key in the lock and try to turn it but it doesn't work I pull it out and throw it to the floor as I try another key, it works and I drop all the remaining keys on the floor as I push open the bathroom door to see Billy collapsed onto the floor with tablets lying scattered around him and an empty bottle of JD on the kitchen bench next to the sink, I stand in the door way, to afraid to get closer and touch him cause it would make it all real. My heart is thumping against my chest and my throat is tight making it hard to breath. I fall to my knees next to Billy and gently touch his shoulder, my eyes clouding over with tears. "Billy" I whisper shaking his shoulder lightly.
Fuck. Shit. this is all my fault..I should of gotten into the bathroom quiker instead of sitting outside like a child. I roll Billy onto his back and sigh gratefully as I see his still breathing. I put one hand behind his knees and the other around his shoulders as I pick him up and carry him into his bedroom and sit him gently onto his bed. Brushing his hair off his face and tucking it behind his ear, moving my hand down and slowly stroke his cheek. He looks beautiful lying there with the sun shining in through the curtains and casting a glow around him. I don't know why I never noticed his beauty before, My thumb lightly brushes over his bottom lip moving his lip ring to the side where it catches the light. I lean down and kiss his fowhead so gently I could only just feel his skin against my lips. "I'm so sorry Billy" I whisper with my lips still against his forhead.
"Benji?" I hear Billy quietly.
My breath catches in my throat and I jump back, moving my hand off Billys face. Billy's looking up at me tiredly with a small smile on his face I smile down at him and look into his beautiful blue eyes, placing my hand back on his cheek and stroking my thumb under his eye as if to wipe away all the tears I know his cied. "hey Billy..just go back to sleep" I whisper.
I can tell his trying to fight to stay awake as his eyes open and close a few times. "Benji..I thought you hated me" He moves one of his hands up and puts it over the one of mine on his face. "I don't hate you Billy, I could never hate you...I-I ..just go back to sleep Billy, you need to rest"
I pull away from him and stand up, pulling the blankets that are lying at the bottom of Billys bed over Billy, he has his eyes closed but I can tell his not asleep yet. I comb my fingers through his hair before standing back up and beggining to walk out of the room. "Benji?" I turn around and see Billy looking at me with tears in his eyes, I immediatly feel tears come to my eyes as I Billy so sad. "can - can you stay with me - just until I fall asleep?" he asks in a small voice, I can tell he thinks i'm going to be leaving him again but is afraid to say anything about it. "..sure Billy" I walk back over to the bed Billy watches my every move with tired eyes.I move all of Billys artwork and everything off the bed and place them back in the drawer, as i'm placing the artworks in the drawer I notice one in the middle of the pile. All I can see is my hair messed up like it always is when ever I wake up in the morning I pull it out and stare at it. Its a drawing of Billy and I asleep on his bed. him lying on his side with me pressed against his back with my arms around him. It looks so real, we both look content and happy in the drawing. I look at Billy and his looking at me sadly, probably afraid i'm going to freak out on him and leave. "its Beautiful Billy" I say, he looks at me and smiles his eye lids dropping as he can barely keep his eyes open. He looks so adorable lying there "I drew it.." he yawns and snuggles up to the blankets more before looking at me again and continuing. "drew it two days before I told you how I felt" he whispers looking away from me and sighing. I frown and put the drawing back in the drawer and then pull back the blankets and crawling in under them lieing next to Billy. I put my arm around his shoulders pulling him into my arms. He stiffens and trys to pull away when I first try to pull him to me but he soon relaxes against me, placing his head on my chest and putting his arm around me.
"this isn't another game is it Benji?" he asks softly avoiding eye contact.
"No..Billy" I put my hand under his chin and lift his face towards me so he has to look at me. "I did alot of thinking when I was away Billy..and .I feel like shit for what I did..I don't expect you to forgive me straight away..But I truly am sorry and.." I stop there, the rest of my words dying in my throat. I've never liked guys before..so I was afraid to admit my feelings for Billy. whenever I caught myself staring at a guy I would force my attention to there girlfriends, over the last month and a half i've realised that I care for Billy deeply..alot more then just a best friend. I sigh and look back down at Billy and realise that he's fallen asleep. I pull Billy tighter to me and let myself relax as I drift off to sleep. Hoping that when I wake up I will finally be able to admit to Billy how I feel and hope he doesn't hate me for leaving.
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ok...so that chapter officially sucked...i'm really sorry...review anyway please..even if you hate it.
Disclaimer - none of this is real - its all FICTION. I dont own Good Charlotte or Tony from mest
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~ Billy's POV ~
[walking on the lonely road, the heartbreaking pain at my side
without two arms to hold me, nothing but the chain of goodbyes
I can't try to hide behind myself anymore
I can't try to reason with the pain and misfortune
so I will grab hold of forever and walk right through this open door]
I curled up in a tight ball as I heard the door close, trying to stop the tears from falling but they only fell faster. Images of Benji and me on the night I told him how I really felt kept repeating themselves over and over again in my head and the one thought that chases it is the knowledge that Benji doesn't love me and I have ruined the two most important things in my life.
My connection with Benji - and the band...Benji has always been my bestfriend no matter what was happening I could always go to him and tell him and he would always help me with it, we would always be together. weither it was blowing up the science lab together in school or just relaxing and watching movies. It was always the two of us..sometimes there would be others there, like Joel or Paul but me and Benji always had a connection cause we enjoyed doing the same things and liked mostly all the same stuff. Joel and paul are my bestfriends as well and I care about them...But Benji has always been the one I look up to, he saved me from my father and step mum when he convinced me that everything would be ok when I went and lived with him, that he'd keep me safe and protect me. which he did..no one had ever treated me like a real person, like I was worth anything until Benji. He was always there to hold me when I would cry myself to sleep, whispering in my ear that I was safe and that he wouldn't let anyone hurt me.
A choked sob fell past my lips at that last thought..He probably doesn't even remember promising me thoughs things..he's the one thats hurt me this time, it never hurt this much with the situation with my dad and step mother..I never cared about them. I learnt to numb myself of the emotional pain because I knew they never loved me and I never loved them...but I love Benji, have always loved him. He was the first person that I ever had feelings for in any sort of way. I was so stupid to think he could ever like me.
I turned over onto my back rubbing the tears from my eyes as they just kept coming, I stared up at the picture of Benji on my roof with blurry eyes. Night after night it made me smile just looking at it, now it made me sick to my stomach.
I hated Benji at that moment, hated him for making me think he would always be there for me, hated his smile, his laugh, hated his voice in the morning that I always enjoyed hearing. Hated him cause I loved him and cause he didn't love me back...I hated everything about him.
I sat up slowly, moving my legs underneath me to see if I can stand on my own. when I was finally standing on shaky legs I reached up and grabbed the picture of Benji from my roof and tore it down, ripping it into peices as I fell back onto my bed crying. Tearing at the poster till it was nothing but a pile of shredded paper on my bed. I sat on the bed staring at the remains of the picture and cried for what seemed like hours.
when I finally finished crying I swung my legs over the side of the bed and tried to stand, it took me two tries before I was finally walking into the bathroom that was attached to my bedroom. I walk in and lock the door behind me not wanting anyone to disturb me Not that anyone would care enough to come check on me. I'm nothing but a disease, a burden that people feel obligated to be with more than they actually want to.
I limp over to the cabinet on the left side of the bathroom and open up the top drawer and pull out the bottle of sleeping tablets that I take to help me sleep at night and a bottle of Jack Daniels that I keep hidden away. My legs start to give way on me as I try to make it to the toilet to sit down on the closed lid. I wipe the tears from my eyes and take a deep breath, refusing to let anymore tears fall as I open the bottle and place atleast 5 to 10 pills into my hand, and swallowing them quickly, taking a drink from the Jack Daniels. "I love you Benji" I whisper to the empty room as I drink more of the Jack Daniels, skulling it quickly.
I've drank more then half of the bottle by now but stopped taking the sleeping tablets that i'm holing in one hand and the Jack Daniels in the other. I slid off the toilet lid and lie down onto the floor, watching as the remaining pills spill onto the floor out of my reach. my eye lids becoming heavy and I sigh in relief as I feel myself falling asleep and hope that I don't wake up knowing that everything will be right when i'm no longer here to be in anybodies way.
Betrayed - Hate
My darkest fears have become a frightening truth
And the wounds are hidden so you cannot feel the pain
For I have chosen the path of misery and sorrow
And my skin will continue to wither and decay
Happiness - where are you?
Will this grief be swept away?
This madness must stop or this world I'll depart
As reality blends into horrific dreams
My departure from Earth is getting near
And as I approach death, I'll show no fear
I need you here to ease this pain
For I fear it shall never dissipate
Yet you are so far away and the blood continues to flow
I felt your warmth - I can't touch your skin
Remembering, as the knife caresses my flesh
And I summon forth suffering and despair
Yet it is something I do not wish to do
My blood absorbs the poisons
Drugged, confused - the walls enclose around me
My mind is so high - my spirit continues to fall
And the anguish recedes as life slips away
Breathless, I beckon eternal sleep
For I shall live no more to be with you
As I see your fate appear through the mist
~Benjis POV~
I pulled up outside my house in the driveway and sit in the car just staring at the front door, comtemplating if I should go in or not..I knew that everyone would of heard about what happened between me and Billy by now and I wasn't ready to face it yet, I wanted to visit Billy in the hospital and explain to him that what I did was wrong and that I didn't mean to hurt him at all. But I couldn't stand seeing him lying in that hospital bed hurt and knowing it was my fault, Its one of the reasons why I left, I just had to get away from it all and clear my head. So I rang Tony and explained to him what happened and asked to borrow his holiday house for a few weeks, I wanted to be alone but Jesse wouldn't let me leave without her.
I broke up with her two weeks ago, I just couldn't stand to be around her any longer, I never really could but I tried to be happy with her and ignore all the things I hated about her.
I never really cared for her she was just one of a long line of girls that i've had in the last six months, i've always felt like there was something missing in my life but I never really knew what. I thought I was just lonely so I got girlfriend after girlfriend trying to convince myself that each new one would be the ONE. The one I would be happy with and spend the rest of my life with, the one I would want to show off to the world and tell them how happy they make me. but none of them were, it just made me more depressed. I put my head down and look down at my hands sitting in my lap..I didn't realize I had been shaking until then. I took a deep breath and tried to control my shaking as I looked back at the house. Why was I so nervous? I've walked into the house millions of times before..But I just couldn't bring myself to get out of the car.
Over the last Few weeks i've been doing alot of thinking about how I really feel about Billy.
I never thought Billy could love somebody like me. Billy's beautiful, sweet and caring..everything i'm not. He's got alot more courage then I do, I never would of been able to do what he did and admit my feelings. I've been bestfriends with Billy since I was a teenager, we've always done everything together since the day we met at school. As I think back on it I can see all the clues pointing to the way Billy feels.
~flashBack~
I run down the stairs jumping down three stairs at a time and then walk into the kitchen to see my twin brother Joel helping my mum with cooking dinner. I walk up to my mother and give her a kiss on the cheek .
"hey mama, is it alright if I just go over to Billys for half an hour he hasn't been at school all week and I want to see if he's ok. I'll try to be home for dinner" I say walking slowly to the back door as I speak and giving her my best puppy dogg face when I finished, silently begging her to let me go.
"ok Benji, just make sure your home for dinner. you know how angry your father gets when your not here for dinner" she says turning back to the vegtables.
"thanks mama" I turn around and almost run out the door before I feel a hand on my arm pulling me back. I turn around and look into Joels identical chocolate brown eyes.
"what Joel?" I whisper, pulling on my arm to free it from his grip but he just tightens his grip and pulls me closer.
"what do you think your doing Benji? Billy asked you not to go to his house anymore" he hisses looking me directly in my eyes and tightening his grip even harder, it'll probably leave a bruise.
I look at him defiantly and pull my arm out of his hand feircely, meeting his eyes with my own angry ones. "i'm worried about Billy and I want to go check on him. I'll be careful I promise."
"I don't want you to go Benji, you could get hurt" he whispers, I glance over at my mother to make sure she can't hear us and then back at Joel letting out a small sigh.
"I won't get hurt Joel, i'll be fine..I need to go so I can get back in time for dinner..if your worried about me getting hurt you should let me go..you know I have to be home for dinner" I take a few steps towards the door to make sure he can't grab me again, he doesn't say anything for a few seconds so I turn around and walk out the back door.
Just as I get to the side gate I feel a hand on my shoulder turning me back towards them, I know its Joel before I even turn around.
"Benji..atleast let me go with you so I know your alright" he says looking at me with sad and worried eyes. I look away from him and shake my head. "no Joel, stay here and help mama with dinner. I told you i'll be fine" He drops his hand from my shoulder and sighs sadly.
I turn around and walk out the gate and ignore his calls for me to come back, I know he watches me from our front lawn until I turn out of our street and head towards Billys place. I feel bad for not letting Joel come and as I get closer and closer to Billy's I regret my decision of making him stay home, But I couldn't let Joel come if there was a possibility of him getting hurt.
I wrap my jacket around me and look up at the dark cloud approaching. It looks like its gunna be a big storm. I put my head back down, watching my feet as I walk, only glancing up occasionally to make sure i'm going the right way. It only takes me a few more minutes until I am standing at the corner of Billy's street I can see his house from here, its a two story brick house with small rose bush out the front near the gate with a variety of other plants alongside the foot path leading up to the house with another small garden next to the front door.
I take a deep breath and continue walking until I'm standing out the front of Billys house, there a two cars in the drive way and another parked out the front so I know one of his parents are probably home. I walk up the foot path towards the door. When I knock on the door there was no answer, the door is open slightly and I could hear music playing in the house, I thought the music was just up to loud and Billy couldn't hear me knocking so I decided to let myself in and walked towards the source of the music playing upstairs, It was coming from the first room on the right.
when I walked in the first thing I noticed was a group of about 6 guys standing around a bed naked with there backs to me. I blush and turn away. Theres a woman in the far corner next to video camera that was faced towards the bed. She had straight blonde hair that went just past her shoulders and she was wearing a very short crimson red dress.
she hadn't noticed me standing at the door as she was to busy filming. The group of men standing naked around the bed were blocking my view of what or who was making the muffled screams on the bed. One of the naked men standing around the bed moved slightly to the side allowing me to see.
I took in a sharp breath and immediatly felt tears spring to my eyes as I saw Billy with his arms tied above his head, with a gag over his mouth. tears streaming down his face and eyes clentched closed as he was being brutely thrust into by another man, Benji couldn't see the mans face.
There was blood on Billys thighs and blood all over the bed below them. He felt like throwing up and running out of the room and never looking back, but he couldn't leave Billy here with these people. He contemplated if he could walk over to the bed and try to fight the guys, but they were all three times his size and there was atleast six of them. He had no chance in beating them.
He couldn't bring himself to look away, He watched silently as the man on Billy thrust one last time and moaned loudly before pulling out of Billy and rolling off him, cleaning the blood off of him with the bed sheet, he was the first to notice Benji standing in the doorway as he looked up at him. One of the other men who had been standing at the front of the bed started crawling onto the bed beside Billy who was sobbing and shaking uncontrollably. "who the fuck are you?" the man who had just climbed off Billy asked, making every one in the room look at him. Billy still had his eyes clenched tight and whimpered as the man on the bed started stroking his chest.
Benji suddenly took a deep breath, realising that he had been holding his breath the entire time. He glanced quickly around the room before looking back at Billy, he couldn't open his mouth to speak and couldn't bring himself to move. He was shaking badly and felt like his legs were going to give way on him any minute. he looked over to the lady to see her smirking at Benji, the look made Benji's blood run cold.
"Billy, you never told us you had a friend coming over..we would of made arragements for him to join us had we known"she said. Benji shivered and felt like he was going to throw up.
Billy slowly opened his eyes and looked towards Benji, He eyes held such pain and confusion and another emotion Benji couldn't decipher as he looked Billy directly in the eyes. In that moment he would of done anything to see Billy's eyes fill with happiness. He wanted to walk over to the bed and pull Billy into his arms and hold him. But all he could do was keep eye contact and try to tell Billy silently he would get him out of here and help him.. he just wished he knew how. Billy closed his eyes and more tears ran down his cheeks.
The lady walked up to Benji an ran her hand down his chest, Benji flinched and pulled away from her, making her smile even more and try to touch him again. She giggled as he pulled away again "come on, you know you want to play..I see the way you look at Billy..you like him" She reached out quickly grabbing Benji's hand tightly and pulling him in towards her body, running her fingers through his hair. "I can see why Billy likes you, your gorgeous" she cupped Benji's face in her hands while her other hand was wrapped around his waist holding him to her. "yes..you would look very good in one of my movies" she ran her thumb over Benji's lips before slowly bending down to give Benji a Kiss, Benji Pushed her away feircely before she could kiss him though, a look of pure disgust coming to his face at the thought of her kissing him. He turned towards Billy to see the man on the bed lying in the same position next to Billy but this time stroking Billys thigh, the man whisper's something in Billys ear before removing Billy's gag and placing a kiss on Billys cheek. Billy whimpered before giving a small nod and turning towards Benji. "B-Benj" he had to lick his lips and take a small breath before trying again. "Benji..please, you have to leave..just go" tears slowly rolled down Billys cheeks.
Benji couldn't believe what he was hearing. "Billy..I can't leave you here....i'm sorry Billy" Benji took a step towards the bed but quickly took two steps back as he seen the lust in the guys eyes who were looking at him.
"no Benji...i'll be..ok...just leave ..I don't want you to see me like this" Billy trys to curl into a ball and hide himself but the man on the bed pushes his legs back down, not letting him move.
He couldn't leave Billy there...he looked at all the men and felt bile in his throat at the thought of what was going to happen to Billy once he left. The lady had been standing to the side away from Benji once he had pushed her away but she was now walking back over to him "I think he wants to stay Billy dear...I think he enjoys watching" Benji shot her a look of such hate it caused her smile to falter and she stopped walking towards him. "you stupid bitch..why are you doing this Billy??..what has he ever done to you?" I walked over to her and raised my hand to her, wanting so badly to hit her but I had been brought up better and knew not to hit a lady. "I'm leaving and Billy is coming with me NOW!"
"now see thats where you wrong...what was it ..Benji?? ..Billy is staying here with me and I have every right to do this to him...he's mine...and besides..he's gay so he should be enjoying this" she says smirking at Benji "if you would like to stay and join us ..then your more then welcome....or you can leave..but Billy is not going any where"
"Benji..please..just go..your just making it worse" Billy says quietly from the bed. I look over to him, he's not looking at me though he's shaking and looking down at the floor on the side of the bed as the man next to him is still watching me and stroking Billy's thigh. "i'm sorry Billy" I whisper before turning around and running out of the house, I don't stop running until I get home and collapse on Joels bed next to him in mine and his bedroom and finally let the tears fall. He pulls me into his lap and strokes my hair asking me whats wrong. I eventually stop crying and tell him everything that happened before falling asleep curled up next to him.
Billy avoided me the entire week at school, he wouldn't look at me and would always come up with excuses not to hang out with Joel, Paul and I.
I didn't blame him though, but I wanted to talk to him about what happened and get some answers. The last period on friday I got out of class 5 minutes early and decided to wait for Billy outside his classroom until he came out so I could talk to him. By the time I got to his room he was already walking out, he was looking down into his bag as I walked up to him. "Billy?" I asked quietly, He jumped and looked at me with wide eyes "just leave me alone Benji..I don't want to talk to you right now" he turns away and starts walking away from me, I follow him out into the school parking lot where its quieter and less people.
"Billy..just wait ok" I run up and walk beside him resisting the urge to reach my hand over and grab his chin and lifting his face up so his looking at me..I don't know how he'll react if I touch him so I put my hands in my pockets and continue walking with him. "Benji i'm serious ok..I don't want to talk to you anymore...I..I don't want to be friends with you anymore so please just leave me alone" I notice the tear that falls from his eye and I grab his shoulder gently making him stop walking. "Billy..your my best friend I care about you..I can't let you go back home....look..just come back to my place ok? please..I swear my parents will be fine with it and I won't try to make you talk about what happened..but I want you to kinow i'm always here for you and you can talk to me"
He hugs me suddenly, crying into my shirt. I hug him back telling him its gunna be ok and we'll get him away from his place. "what if she comes looking for me Benj..she'll hurt you and joel..your sister...I can't put you's at risk..its just better if I go back home...it's my fault it happens anyway" he whispers through sobs, I rub his back and hug him tighter "no Billy..none of this is your fault, you've done nothing wrong...I swear I won't let that bitch hurt you again...I walked out on you the first time and its been eating me up since...She won't hurt you again Billy" He starts crying again into my shoulder, I see Joel and Paul walking out of the school and I call them over, still hugging Billy and rubbing his back.
I explain to Joel that Billy is coming back to our place and his fine with it. When Billy stops crying we all go jump into Pauls car so he can give us a lift home. I sit next to Billy in the back seat and let him curl up at my side with my arm around him.
My mum was fine with Billy staying with us after I had told her Billy was living in an abusive household but thats all I had said..she didn't need to know any of the details until Billy was ready to tell her. He slept in my bed that night because he was afraid to sleep alone. He was curled up next to me with his head on my chest and his arm around me, I was stroking his hair softly listening to him breath. I slowly started to drift into sleep when I felt Billy look up at me "I love you Benji" he whispered so quietly I almost didn't hear it, I wanted to ask him if he had really said it or if I was imagining it but I had fallen asleep and had forgotten about it by the time I woke up in the morning.
~End Flashback~
I jumped suddenly as there was a knock on the car window beside me bringing me out of my thoughts. I looked over to see Joel standing there looking at me angrily, I hadn't seen him this mad at me in a long time, I slowly get out of the car and stand in front of him. I thought he was going to hit me but instead he hugs me tightly so I can't breath before relaxing and letting go of me and taking a step back.
"HOW THE FUCK COULD YOU JUST TAKE OFF BENJI? ..BILLY-YOUR BEST FRIEND WAS LYING IN HOSPITAL - ALMOST DEAD- AND YOU JUST TAKE OFF ON A FUCKING HOLIDAY WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND??" he yells suddenly. I lean against the car- slightly taken back by the change in attitude, but I deserve it I know I do. I look at him sadly and try to think of something to say. "i'm sorr-" but he doesn't let me finish before he starts yelling at me again.
"YOUR SORRY??..I'M NOT THE ONE YOU NEED TO BE APOLIGIZING TO" he begins to pace back and forth in front of me. "DO YOU KNOW BILLY'S IN THERE CRYING OVER YOU..HE'S CRIED EVERY NIGHT BENJI-EVERY NIGHT. I HOPE YOU HAVE GOOD EXPLAINATION" he stops in front of and crosses his arms over his chest looking at me expectently.
"Joel if you will listen to me for two seconds without yelling..." I take a deep breath and look my brother in the eyes. "I never wanted to hurt Billy..I know thats all my fault and i'm the one to blame...if I had of known maybe I could of spoken to Billy -"
"SPOKEN TO HIM?? BENJI YOU HAD YOUR CHANCE TO SPEAK TO HIM IN THE HOSPITAL..ALL HE WANTED TO DO WAS TO SEE YOU" he yelled cutting me off again.
"would you just shut up Joel...do you think it was easy for me to see him in that hospital bed- " I try to explain to him calmly but he cuts me off again
"Benji it wasn't easy on any of us..especially since we also had to pick up the peices of your mess when you left" he says quietly shaking his head. "Benji..his in his room right now..I don't know if its a smart idea for him to see you right now but you owe him an apoligy" he gives me another hug. "its good your home though, I missed you" he whispers in my ear "I missed you to Joel..and I really am sorry" he nods and lets go of me turning around and walking back into the house. I grab my bag out of the trunk and walk inside.
Tony immediatly pulls me into a hug and pats me on the back "hey man, glad you came back we were all going crazy without you here" he says smiling.
"thanks Tony..thanks again for letting me stay at your place" I say. walking towards the stairs to try and find Billy as soon as possible to explain to him how I felt.
":no worries Benj..your my mate i'd do almost anything for you" Tony says. I nod and turn away from him walking towards the stairs, I get stopped by a few more people before Joel comes over and turns there attention away from me. I smile at him thankfully and he gives me a smile and a nod back..no matter what I do he can never stay mad at me.
I make my up the stairs and knock on Billys door, theres no answer. I knock a bit louder and start to get worried as theres no answer, "Billy?" I knock again and wait a second before opening the door slowly "Billy? you in here?" I call out but he's not in there. I walk over to the bed and notice the poster that Billy kept of me on the roof lying on his bed in shreds, I sigh quietly and feel tears come to my eyes but I don't let them fall.
I walk over to the closed bathroom door and knock quietly. "Billy...Billy!" I try to open the door but its locked. "Billy..I know i'm probably the last person you want to talk to right now..but..I am really sorry for what I did..just let me in and we can talk about it..please Billy?" I wait a few seconds for a reply but get none. "Billy...come on open the door and we can talk" I wiggle the door handle and try to get it to open but its no use. I sigh and sit down outside the bathroom door. "fine..if you want to be a baby I'm gunna sit out here until you come out" I shout through the door. Billy never was good at the waiting games, and I know that after calling him a baby would only make it worse.
I sit there nervously, glancing at my watch almost every minute for the past 5 minuites..usually he's given up by now, he really must hate me right now. I stand up and put my ear to the door trying to hear any sort of movement but I hear none. "Billy?" I whisper quietly with tears rolling down my cheeks. I wipe them away and stand up, taking a few steps backwards before running straight at the bathroom door and banging into it with all my weight. I bounce off the door and land on the floor on my back staring up at the still closed door. "fucking hell". I stand back up and run into the door another 6 times but its no use I can't break it down. I stay on my back on the floor staring up at the bathroom door trying to catch my breath.
I lie there for a minute before I realize I don't need to break the door down because you can open the lock from the outside with a small key that Billy keeps in his drawers next to his bed. I get up and run to the drawers pulling out the drawer out and dumping everything in it on Billys bed. Theres pages and pages of Billy's artwork that hes been drawing lately, I push them all to the side and search through all the things from his drawer, theres pens, pencils, condoms and atleast five diffrent keys I pick up all of them and run back over to the bathroom door and try to open it.
"just hold on Billy" I whisper putting the first key in the lock and try to turn it but it doesn't work I pull it out and throw it to the floor as I try another key, it works and I drop all the remaining keys on the floor as I push open the bathroom door to see Billy collapsed onto the floor with tablets lying scattered around him and an empty bottle of JD on the kitchen bench next to the sink, I stand in the door way, to afraid to get closer and touch him cause it would make it all real. My heart is thumping against my chest and my throat is tight making it hard to breath. I fall to my knees next to Billy and gently touch his shoulder, my eyes clouding over with tears. "Billy" I whisper shaking his shoulder lightly.
Fuck. Shit. this is all my fault..I should of gotten into the bathroom quiker instead of sitting outside like a child. I roll Billy onto his back and sigh gratefully as I see his still breathing. I put one hand behind his knees and the other around his shoulders as I pick him up and carry him into his bedroom and sit him gently onto his bed. Brushing his hair off his face and tucking it behind his ear, moving my hand down and slowly stroke his cheek. He looks beautiful lying there with the sun shining in through the curtains and casting a glow around him. I don't know why I never noticed his beauty before, My thumb lightly brushes over his bottom lip moving his lip ring to the side where it catches the light. I lean down and kiss his fowhead so gently I could only just feel his skin against my lips. "I'm so sorry Billy" I whisper with my lips still against his forhead.
"Benji?" I hear Billy quietly.
My breath catches in my throat and I jump back, moving my hand off Billys face. Billy's looking up at me tiredly with a small smile on his face I smile down at him and look into his beautiful blue eyes, placing my hand back on his cheek and stroking my thumb under his eye as if to wipe away all the tears I know his cied. "hey Billy..just go back to sleep" I whisper.
I can tell his trying to fight to stay awake as his eyes open and close a few times. "Benji..I thought you hated me" He moves one of his hands up and puts it over the one of mine on his face. "I don't hate you Billy, I could never hate you...I-I ..just go back to sleep Billy, you need to rest"
I pull away from him and stand up, pulling the blankets that are lying at the bottom of Billys bed over Billy, he has his eyes closed but I can tell his not asleep yet. I comb my fingers through his hair before standing back up and beggining to walk out of the room. "Benji?" I turn around and see Billy looking at me with tears in his eyes, I immediatly feel tears come to my eyes as I Billy so sad. "can - can you stay with me - just until I fall asleep?" he asks in a small voice, I can tell he thinks i'm going to be leaving him again but is afraid to say anything about it. "..sure Billy" I walk back over to the bed Billy watches my every move with tired eyes.I move all of Billys artwork and everything off the bed and place them back in the drawer, as i'm placing the artworks in the drawer I notice one in the middle of the pile. All I can see is my hair messed up like it always is when ever I wake up in the morning I pull it out and stare at it. Its a drawing of Billy and I asleep on his bed. him lying on his side with me pressed against his back with my arms around him. It looks so real, we both look content and happy in the drawing. I look at Billy and his looking at me sadly, probably afraid i'm going to freak out on him and leave. "its Beautiful Billy" I say, he looks at me and smiles his eye lids dropping as he can barely keep his eyes open. He looks so adorable lying there "I drew it.." he yawns and snuggles up to the blankets more before looking at me again and continuing. "drew it two days before I told you how I felt" he whispers looking away from me and sighing. I frown and put the drawing back in the drawer and then pull back the blankets and crawling in under them lieing next to Billy. I put my arm around his shoulders pulling him into my arms. He stiffens and trys to pull away when I first try to pull him to me but he soon relaxes against me, placing his head on my chest and putting his arm around me.
"this isn't another game is it Benji?" he asks softly avoiding eye contact.
"No..Billy" I put my hand under his chin and lift his face towards me so he has to look at me. "I did alot of thinking when I was away Billy..and .I feel like shit for what I did..I don't expect you to forgive me straight away..But I truly am sorry and.." I stop there, the rest of my words dying in my throat. I've never liked guys before..so I was afraid to admit my feelings for Billy. whenever I caught myself staring at a guy I would force my attention to there girlfriends, over the last month and a half i've realised that I care for Billy deeply..alot more then just a best friend. I sigh and look back down at Billy and realise that he's fallen asleep. I pull Billy tighter to me and let myself relax as I drift off to sleep. Hoping that when I wake up I will finally be able to admit to Billy how I feel and hope he doesn't hate me for leaving.
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ok...so that chapter officially sucked...i'm really sorry...review anyway please..even if you hate it.
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