Categories > Books > L.J. Smith

Annihilating My Soul

by Lula6791 1 review

Time stood still. I felt like I couldn't move forward. I was stuck there with the remains. I was a murderer.

Category: L.J. Smith - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst,Drama,Romance - Warnings: [?] - Published: 2011-11-09 - Updated: 2011-11-09 - 1926 words - Complete

´╗┐Title: Annihilating My Soul
Category: Books » Vampire Diaries
Characters: Meredith Sulez, Sage
Author: Lula6791
Language: English, Rating: Rated: T
Genre: Angst/Hurt/Comfort
Published: 09-05-11, Updated: 10-25-11

Disclaimer: I don't own VD neither the books nor the TV version. I don't gain any profits from it. This writing is just for fun. The amazing characters are from L.J. Smith and CW.

A/N/Warning: This is a little one-shot about Meredith and Sage. It is my take on a 'what if' in Meredith's life. My friend thesocialriotmachine requested this. So this is for you. I just hope you'll like it and that you'll read it. Oh! The characters could be OOC.

Annihilating My Soul

"I thought I knew it all
Even when I wonder how
I made it through it all
I know I do it all over again...Stay with me"
(Lyrics of Stay With Me ~ song by the group Nina. I don't know the composer name.)______________________________________________________________________________________________

There I was standing, motionless. I couldn't hear, I couldn't sense anything. Everything I saw was black and white. I felt as if my soul had abandoned my body. My body began to tremble from the pain. How did I end up here? Why did I shut out my heart?

I began to fall. Now I was on my knees. I was still watching the scene in front of me. How did I do this? Now I was officially a murderer. All my life I had trained for this moment. It had been my main goal since I could remember. It was my job. I just did my job. I bent over myself and let free the scream buried within me. I closed my eyes and my tears began to run their course down my face. My mind became a blur of memories and my heart changed to a shadow. My soul went missing.

I thought I was ready... I was so foolish.


I watched the drama unfold in front of me. I turned around and walked away. I was tired of hearing all the fighting. Why were they so stubborn? They loved each other, that was crystal clear. They were just afraid to admit their mistakes. I let out a sigh and continued walking to the porch. It was a peaceful night. That fact alone made that night special and strange. It was difficult to remember how peaceful this town could be. I sat down on the steps and let my mind take over.

I found my brother. It was a painful shock. I found him drinking blood. He was a full flesh vampire. His eyes were dead. I couldn't see his soul. Not one tiny speck of it. He made me remember another old and evil vampire. The one who attacked our grandfather. The same one who attacked us at the clearing. Christian's cruelty made me remember Klaus. I knew instantly that my brother was gone. He saw me and smiled at me. I went into alert mode and changed my stance. I was ready to fight him. He decided not to fight me.

"We will fight soon my beloved sister. I was searching for you. We have old issues to settle, but it is to soon in the game to just kill you now." Then he took off.

I didn't move after that. I hesitated. I let him go. Now the whole town was at risk once again and this time it was my fault. I felt the pain of the memory again. I'd lost my brother and with it any hope. How many times I had dreamt or wished to find him. My secret wish was to find him and to discover that he was a vampire like Stefan. I even considered if I could deal with another Damon like vampire. Every time my answer was yes. I'd preferred that to knowing that my brother was like Klaus. How I wish for him to be like... I turned my head to my right.

"Speaking of the devil... come out. I know you're there."



We didn't say anything else. I was beside a vampire and I was petrified because I felt at ease and protected. He didn't ask anything from me. He usually stood by my side waiting for me to say or do something. I grew fond of his company. Several times I'd surprised myself by wishing to be by his side. This vampire transmitted a strange peace. The peace I couldn't find anywhere else. He became my friend and I wasn't supposed to feel like this. We watched the night die. The glorious light of the sun began to say their good mornings.

"It's beautiful." I sighed.


"It's beautiful how some parts of nature are perfectly synchronized and in order."



"It is a foolish thing to wish for order. There is only one thing with one hundred percent of certainty in this world."


"Change... everything changes."

"Not you, not any vampire."

"Are you sure of that? My body doesn't change, but what about inside? Soul, heart..."


"I'll go now. I need to feed. Meredith, I don't know what is bothering you, but if you have to make a decision I suggest you to listen to your heart, not only your mind."

I saw him disappear into the woods. He had spoken honestly and sadly he did speak the truth. Change... everything changes.

~~~~End flashback~~~~

I continued screaming until my voice couldn't be heard anymore. I did choose to listen to my mind and not my heart. I was sure about my decision, because it was the right thing to do. I needed to end his life. It was him or me, but I gave up so much. I shattered myself in the process. I had wanted to live! I had wanted to survive; but now I wasn't so sure anymore. I felt a huge boulder pressing me down to hell. I couldn't live with this guilt. My guilt increased by the second because I had loved an idea. I loved a shadow of a person that my inner wishes and loneliness had created long time ago.

I watched my hands smeared with blood. They were shaking. I couldn't stop it. My mind was re-playing what I had done over and over. It was a never-ending story. Now my tears were falling; but I was silent. The place was silent. Time stood still. I felt like I couldn't move forward. I was stuck there with the remains.

I was a murderer.


"Cherie, don't go."

I turned around and watched Sage carefully. I made my decision and nothing would deter me from my goal.


"I think you should reconsider."

"Why?" I asked again.

"Because you don't know how it is to have the blood of your victim on your hands. Your soul won't stop screaming at you."

I walked towards him. It was a bold move for me. I hated to admit we were friends. Our friendship was strange. A vampire and a vampire hunter together as friends. Our situation was like trying to mix oil with vinegar. They only stay united for short periods of time. I embraced him. He stiffened a little. It was the first time I had showed him this kind of gesture.

"Thank you."


"For caring."

I let him go and walked towards my destiny.

~~~~End flashback~~~~

I wasn't Meredith anymore. Who was I? A Murderer? A Vampire Hunter? Who? For the first time since the Salvatore's arrival to Fell's Church I wanted to be a normal girl. I wished for it. For the first time I understood Sage's words about having the victim's blood on my hands.

Once again the traitorous night scurried away at the appearance of the first rays of the sun. I watched how the blood began to evaporate. I watched how the remains began to sizzle and burned to nothing. I watched my brother disappear.

I was a murderer... I just killed my brother!

I slowly reached for my knife. Once I had said I would kill myself after killing my brother. Now was the time to make true my words. It would be impossible for me to continue living with the knowledge of me killing my flesh and blood. I had killed my brother!

I continued to move my trembling hand with the knife. I positioned it against my heart. "You need to push, Meredith with all your strength." Now I was talking to myself out loud. I was definitely crazy. "Push! Come one; push it already. I'm a killer; not a coward."

I did push the knife. It never reached my heart. Two strong hands pulled the knife away.


I looked up at him. I didn't say anything. I didn't move. I just waited for something. He didn't say anything else. He was angry at me. It was easy to feel his anger towards me.

"Your life is too short to waste it like this." He grabbed me with his strong hands and made me to stand up. My legs failed me. He had to hold me tight. He lifted my chin up and looked directly into my eyes.

"If you wanted to die so much. I'd gladly fulfill your wish; but not like this. I told you to listen to your heart and your mind, Meredith."

"I'm sorry. I... I... I'm a murderer. I killed my brother... I" I couldn't say anything else. I just let myself cry against his chest. I cried for the past and my present. I cried for the 'what ifs' of my life. I cried for my brother. I cried for myself. I cried for my heart because I was the one that had ripped it apart. And I cried because in a horrendous way I felt happy, because he was with me.

"Sage... don't leave me alone."

"Meredith, I'm still here. I was always here. I will be here with you."

"Why?" His eyes were sad. It was like he was telling me: how couldn't I know?

"You changed my soul. My lady... you're the one for me. I will wait for you."

I couldn't believe what he told me. He was hugging me and telling me he would always be with me. He would wait for me.

"Sage, for what it's worth... What I have left of my heart is yours."

"Meredith, What do you...?"

"I can't bring myself to talk about it now. Give me time. Please." I beseeched him.

He nodded and an unusual smirk appeared on his features "Don't make me wait an eternity."

That was the moment for me to accept the certainty of change. I did fulfill my job. I had killed a vampire. I had freed my brother's soul and I had admitted my unconditional love for a vampire. Ironic! The vampire hunter ended up loving what she was trained to hate and kill. He did change me.

That sunrise walked with us into the woods. With every one of our steps the sun was higher and stronger. It was like we were finally leaving behind some of the shadows and darkness that surrounded our hearts. We embarked into the unknown of our lives. I wasn't alone and I knew I would discover myself again. Beside him I felt everything was possible.

I'd never visited the place where I became a Vampire Hunter. I've never turned back; not once in my eternal life.


A/N: Oh! The horrors, errors etc. are totally mine. =(
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