FicWad

When I first moved to Belleville I'd never have guessed to find peace, but I did. I found it. In...

Before then, the rest of my life had been full of shit and stupidity. For one, my father couldn't accept the fact that I was bisexual, my mom was supportive, so they got a divorce. Both got half-custody, whenever I was with my dad he would beat me, saying I didn't deserve to live. I keep telling my family members but nobody believed me, until one day my mom was going over to talk to my dad and she saw him stabbing a knife into my abdomen. After that, we went to court and my mom got complete custody of me and my father got arrested. That was when my mother decided to move to Belleville, for a 'new start'.

When we got there, I was 16 and was turning 17 in a few weeks, when I got enrolled to the school I was dreading my first day. Mostly because every other school I had been to, I had always been labeled as an emo fag. On my first day, I met a kid Mikey who was sweet enough to show me around and he wasn't freaked out that I was bisexual. During lunch he had introduced me to his table and I sat with them. There I met Ray, who had an awesome Afro, Bob, who looked really tough but was a teddy bear inside, Alicia, Mikey's girlfriend, and lastly Gerard, Mikey's older brother.

The moment I had saw Gerard I knew that he was different, every time I looked at him, a bunch of psycho bats would start flocking around in my stomach. I knew that I had gotten a crush on him. When we first met, we didn't get off on the right foot. He was quite rude to me, always acting as if I wasn't there. Mikey always told me that he needed to get used to me and didn't deal well with new students, I obviously believed him. For a long while I had to admire him from a distance, it wasn't long after that I found out he had a girlfriend. Her name was Lindsey and she was a kind girl, but no matter how nice she was to me, I couldn't help but want her dead.

I didn't want her dead because I didn't like her, I wanted her to die because she had Gerard. They looked so happy and perfect together, it made my blood heat up and boil. She made him smile, that beautiful show-all-tiny-teeth smile. She made him laugh, that crazy chicken laugh of his. She made him happy. That made me jealous, I wanted to be the one who did that, I wanted to be with him. I needed to be with him. I had most classes with him, I was his brother's friend, I tried to be his friend, yet he wouldn't even say hello to me. He continued to act as if I didn't exist and it hurt. It tore slowly and painfully at the strings in my heart. I knew he must resent me but he could have at least pretend to be my friend, but no, he continued to make me suffer.

He never realized what he was doing and how it made me felt. But I bet if he did, he wouldn't give a shit. I knew that I would always be unloved. My dad left me and my mom alone, and my mom cared to much about her dating life, causing her to always judge and veto my behavior. She wanted me to be the perfect son so that one of her boyfriends would step up and ask her to marry him. I know it would never happen though. I think she knows it too.

It has been two years since I first moved to Belleville, and now it's worse than before. Now me and Gerard talk and have conversations, sometimes short, sometimes long. He is still going out with Lindsey, sadly. Gerard has gotten quite used to me and I guess you can say that we're best friends. Looking back, I have no idea what I was thinking wanting to get closer to Gerard. I guess I thought that he would magically fall in love with me too, but I know now that, that would absolutely never happen.

The other day me and Gerard were talking about what we were gonna do after graduation, since were graduating next week. I knew that I was gonna go to Rutgers, he said that he originally planned to go to the art school in New York, but then he told me that he changed his mind and was really think about putting it off for a while because he was gonna ask Lindsey to marry him. I never thought that one sentence, could cause me so much grief and pain. When we were talking about that, I don't know what happened to me. I just snapped and lost it.

I screamed at him calling him multiple profanities and such. I told him that Lindsey was a stupid whore that should die and that I hated him for breaking my heart. He just looked shocked at first, he had never seen me pissed, and then his face contorted into anger and confusion. Anger, because I called Lindsey a whore, and confusion, because I said he broke my heart. After taking one glance at his face I immediately got control over my head again, and was embarrassed for saying all those things. After a few minutes, he finally understood what I meant when I said he broke my heart. His reaction was completely opposite to what I had expected. He thought I. Was. Joking.

He just shooked it off, started laughing, and punched my arm playfully. Then the bastard invited me to his wedding, I stood there confused because I thought he still had to ask her. I found out his was lying to me and just wanted to know my thoughts because he was engaged and was getting married next month. He also asked me to be his best man.

I said yes.

~_~_~_~NEXT MONTH~_~_~_~

You have 15 missed calls and 5 voice messages. Press 7 to see who called. Press 4 to hear your voice messages

I pressed seven.

You have 5 missed calls from Mikey, 1 missed call from Bob, 2 missed calls from Ray, and 7 missed calls from Gerard. Press 4 to hear your voice messages.

I then pressed four.

Message 1: Hey, Frank it's Mikey, I know this is hard but she makes Gerard happy, you want Gerard to be don't you? Plus, he picked you to be his best man, and I'm his brother, he really must want you there, It'll make him upset if you're not there, today has to be the happiest day of his life. Just think about. Bye.

Press 2 to hear it again, Press 5 to delete it, press 4 to hear the next one.

I regret telling Mikey that I like Gerard. I'm sorry.
I pressed four.

Message 2: Hey Frank it's Ray, I know you like him, I see the way you have always looked at him. I know you must feel bad and unloved, but I'll always love you, as a brother, it's okay, but I can tell that Gerard loves you, maybe not like you love him but still, he loves you. Don't disappoint him by not coming, please come. Bye.

I love you too Ray, I'm sorry.
I pressed 4, knowing the machine would repeat the same thing.

Message 3: Hey Frankie boy, It's Bob, Ummm... I dunno what to say really, where are you? Gerard is freaking out dude, he already puked twice because of nerves, you need to come, you always know how to calm him down. Please come quick... Well bye I guess.

What a useless message, You don't know how to talk Bobbert. I'm sorry.
I pressed five to delete it.
Then I pressed four.

Message 4: Hello Frank, It's Lindsey, I got your number from Gerard, I know we don't know each other very well, but I know you're Gerard's best friend and that he needs you here. Where are you? Come soon please. If not for me then for Gerard.

Meaningless message. Stupid whore. I'm sorry. Not really but okay.
I pressed 5 to delete it.
I pressed 4.

Message 5: Frank! Frank! It's Gerard, Please pick up! Where are you? You need to be here. I am not getting married until you're here. The time is 2:30, if you aren't here by 3, then I will go to your house and drag you here. Okay? So you better get here! Love you, Bye.

I know you nor anyone else sincerely loves me, only pity's me.
I looked at the clock, it read 2:50
I guess you'll never get married.
Perfect.

I made my way to the empty park, next to the place where the ceremony was being held, in my suit.
I had picked one that I would wear if I married Gerard.
I had a Stool in right hand.
Rope in left.

I finally understood that you have feelings only for her.
And that you're straight.
And that I will die alone.

I stood on the stool.
Tied the rope into a noose.
I tied the rope to a strong branch on a tree in the center of the park.

I've given up trying to move on the moment you told me that you couldn't wait to get married and that a month after you guys got married that you wanted to immediately start a family. Knowing that you are going to start a family with her, upon just hearing you say that, made me feel as if a thousand knifes were piercing my skin, as if my heart was being burned. You were my only reason for living and knowing that you were going to be with her for the rest of your life, hurt. I felt as if I lost you, but I know now that you were never even mine. It was just a twisted fantasy in my head that I know would never happen, but I couldn't help but hope, but now I know it would never happen.

I slowly put the rope around my neck.
I slipped my hand into my pocket making sure my note was in there,
with Gerard's name on the front of the envelope.

I know that I will never find someone to love me, and that I will never love anyone else but you. The moment I saw you, you took away my eyes. You were the only person I found perfect and beautiful. When I first heard you talk, you robbed my ears. Nothing else sounded more melodic than your voice. When we became friends, you stole my heart. Once you stole my heart nothing else mattered except for you. It was your voice I wanted to hear as the soundtrack of my life. It was your face I wanted forever painted within my eyes. It was you that I wanted to be near for the rest of my lifetime, I wanted to die wrapped in your arms. But that won't happen so, I hope to see again one day my love.
Goodbye....

I kicked the stool from beneath me.

When I first moved to Belleville I'd never have guessed to find peace, but I did. I found it. In...

Death.