Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > This Is What It Means To Fall

15- I Forgive You

by kaydom

I felt as if I were in a dream that I couldn't wake from. My actions were not my own.

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: NC-17 - Genres: Drama,Horror,Romance - Published: 2011-11-27 - Updated: 2011-11-27 - 1195 words

My body was still trembling as I got in to the passenger seat of Brendon's car, savoring the fresh air that flew past my body as I exited my prison.

Every single nerve in my body felt as if it were on fire. I didn't understand how someone so horrible could make me feel so wonderful. I craved him. Was I a bad person because I felt I needed his touch? It felt as if I was.

Brendon started the car, gently placing his hand on my thigh. I stiffened out of instinct towards his touch but he didn't seem to notice. He seemed to be in a state of bliss stemming from our sexual interaction.

As I leaned against the seat and snuggled in to Brendon's hoodie I was alarmed to find that I adored the scent of him. I didn't want to ever take his hoodie off again. I was acting like a lovesick teenager, only this wasn't a romance and Brendon wasn 't the guy to fall for... if you wanted to live.

"Are you tired?" My eyes had fallen shut but Brendon's voice woke me instantly and I jumped, looking at him. He looked amused.

"I- a little." I admitted, yawning.

"Gonna make it through the night?" Brendon asked, grinning. God, he looked so adorable... So harmless.

"Possibly." I whispered, toying with the radio as I tried to find an appealing station.

"I have CD's too, you know..." Brendon commented. "And I can stop by a gas station to get us energy drinks if you want."

"How far away are we going?" I asked, realizing that I didn't know where we were going. "Uh, and where are we going?"

"Well it'll be about a 40 minute drive there." Brendon said, "And we are just going bowling. We can grab a bite there... unless you wanted something fancier. I kind of figured you'd want something low key so that's why I decided on bowling."

"Low key is good." I nodded, biting my lip. "So um, an energy drink sounds good..."

"Of course." Brendon said, smiling. "At the next gas station I'll stop." It would be the only thing to keep me awake. Why was I so tired lately? Damn.

I found 'The Spill Canvas' and slipped it in to his CD player, closing my eyes as the song, "All Hail The Heartbreaker", began to play.

"And it's just my luck to end up getting stuck to everything you are." Brendon began singing along, "The truth is I've never fallen so hard. It's taken everything within me just to forget your sweater so far." I focused on his words every now and then, drifting out of focus. His voice made it so hard to hate him.

"So don't go worrying-" I cut Brendon's singing off abruptly.

"Next song." I pleaded, eyes still closed.

Fuck. "The Night Will Go As Follows" began playing. I silently prayed that Brendon wouldn't sing along. His voice wasn't doing me much good.

But sure enough... "Then I'll say, "Is everything alright? There's been a few things I've been meaning to let go of tonight." And she will say, "Everything's just fine so you can put an end to your worrying and mine." And then our lips will collide." Brendon began singing again. I couldn't take it. I couldn't be this close to him. I couldn't listen to his beautiful voice. I couldn't smell his sexy scent. I couldn't look at his adorable face. I couldn't do this anymore and... pretend to hate him. Although I'm completely aware that I should hate him. He wasn't a good person though I doubted I was either. Our sins were different but did that really make a difference at all?

"As we step in to the room, turn off the lights and close the door... The august sky will then bare witness to a brand new chapter with torn up pages." Brendon continued singing, completely unaware of my personal meltdown.

Brendon's voice got louder, "And to be completely honest you're not like all the rest..." And then I grabbed his head and slammed my lips against his, cutting him off. God, I was so glad that we didn't crash. Brendon slammed on the breaks. Thankfully we were the only ones on the road.

My lips parted and Brendon's tongue entered easily, his hand going to the back of my head as he ran his fingers through my hair.

I felt as if I were in a dream that I couldn't wake from. My actions were not my own. My mind screamed 'No!' while my body screamed 'Yes!" and took what it wanted.

The background was so perfect as 'Your Evil Soul' began playing. I listened to the lyrics, my lips stuck to Brendon's. -I know you never meant to do everything you put me through. It's okay, I forgive you. Just know that when you see me cringe sometimes I'm trying to rid the poison from my mind.-

"It's okay, I forgive you." I whispered along with the song as my lips reluctantly pulled away from Brendon's.

Brendon stared in to my eyes before responding, "Do you mean that?" He asked, sounding hopeful.

Slowly I nodded, "I-I can't..." My mouth was so dry suddenly as my words made me nervous, "I can't deny that I feel for you Brendon... I just can't lie about it." It was awful. It was the truth.

Brendon smiled, "Good." He whispered, "I can't stand the idea of you hating me."

Silence filled the car for a few seconds before the next song started and Brendon cleared his throat, "Um... I just..." He didn't know how to say it without causing rage but he had to. "I can't keep Anne."

My eyes widened but I tried to push the initial thought away, going for a more hopeful guess first. "You're... letting her go?" I wasn't an idiot. I knew he wouldn't. I had to try though.

"I can't. She knows who I am." Brendon replied softly.

"Knows who you are?" I asked, "Just... just fucking go somewhere else away from her. She'll never see your face again. She doesn't know your full name-"

"She does."Brendon said, cutting me off.


"I met her at a concert. She won't forget who I am. She's a fan of my band." Brendon replied.

"Fuck." I whispered. I wasn't new to musician's. Pierre, my ex, was in a band. That's why he was always gone. How could I have overlooked it this entire time? I knew who Brendon was! I felt like such an idiot. How did I not recognize him? I'd only listened to his music a million times, seen his face everywhere online. "Brendon Urie." I whispered, knowing all hope was now gone.

"You didn't know?" Brendon asked, shocked.

I must have been too shocked from the entire situation. Either that or I'm a complete moron. "I-I... You can't kill her." I whispered, tears filling my eyes.

"I have to." Brendon replied, not looking at me.

(AN: XxPerfectTomorrowxX actually wrote this chapter for me to get me out of my slump. what do you guys think? /AN)
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