Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > The Ghost of Brendon's Past
Chapter Six – Zombies In Your Head
“Fuckin’ kidding me?” I yawned, rolling over, and burying my face in my pillow.
“Nope.” Rue spoke, and I could hear the smile in her voice.
“Get up.” Aaron urged.
“No!” I cried stubbornly, squeezing the pillow tighter in my arms.
“Fine, don’t get up.” Rue said, and I looked over my shoulder at her. Her arms were crossed, and her hip was popped out to the side. “I can take you to go see Ryan without you getting out of the bed.”
“You’re gonna take me to see Ryan?” I asked, sitting up.
“Yeah-huh.” Rue nodded. “Easy way or the hard way?”
I slid out of the bed, and walked over to her. She held out her hand, and I accepted it. The room dissolved around us, and when a dimly lit room came into focus, I realized that Aaron wasn’t with us.
“Where’s Aaron?” I asked.
“He’s waiting for us.” Rue said, peering around the room. “Just you and me, for now.”
“Where are we?” I asked, looking around.
“Ryan’s house.” Rue said, sitting in the old fashioned arm chair in the corner. She pushed her hair out of her eyes, and tapped her fingers absentmindedly on her knees.
“Where is he?” I asked.
“In his car.” She said, staring blankly across the room, like she wasn’t really seeing it. “He’ll be here in about two minutes.” She blinked, and smiled up at me.
“So…” I perched on the edge of the coffee table, knowing Ryan would kill me if he ever saw me doing that, but assuming I couldn’t cause any damage, since I wasn’t really here. “What’s the point of this? I mean, last night was seeing where I went wrong. What am I supposed to get from tonight?”
“It’s hard to explain.” Rue said, crossing her legs. “I’ll explain after we see what we need to see, and go back to talk to Aaron.”
“How do you know that I need to see what’s about to happen?” I asked.
“Just a feeling.” She said lightly, shifting her eyes away from me. I got the feeling that there was more than a feeling, but I let it drop.
“He’s pulling in.” Rue said, her eyes getting that unfocused look again. She blinked, and her eyes snapped back onto me. “Will you be able to hold yourself together?” She asked.
“I don’t know.” I said honestly.
“Come stand over here.” Rue said, pointing to the space next to the chair she was sitting in. I obeyed, and leaned against the wall, crossing my arms and bracing myself.
The front door opened, and he walked in, looking as unbelievable as he always did. I felt my breath leave me in a rush as he came into view. He pulled off his form-fitting leather jacket, and hung it on the hook next to the door. He set down his keys, and shook out his hair as he walked across the room to the phone. He pushed a button on it, and it beeped.
“George? Georgie, are you there? It’s your mother, answer the phone! No? You’re not home? Hel-LOOOOO? Fuck.”
It beeped again, and Ryan smirked, pushing another button. The automated voice informed him that the message had been deleted, and there was another message.
“Hey, baby, it’s me.” A male voice came from the machine, and I felt my mouth fall open. “I was just wondering if I’m coming to your place, or if you’re coming to mine tonight? I’m gonna try your cell, I guess. Call me, though, okay? I love you.”
Ryan bit his lip, and looked at the clock. He frowned, the left the room.
Rue stood up, gripped my wrist, and led me down a hallway after Ryan.
“Hobo!” Ryan called as he unbuttoned his shirt.
Hobo came waddling like there was no tomorrow, and, to my surprise, rather than running through the legs of me and Rue, she went between them.
“You’re a weird dog.” Ryan told her, scooping her up, and falling backwards onto the bed. His shirt was unbuttoned, but still on. Hobo made herself comfortable on his toned abs, and licked his chin.
“I wish you could give me advice.” Ryan said to Hobo as he petted her. “I could really use some right now.” He sighed, and Hobo continued licking his chin. “Pete’s coming over tonight.” He told her. “You don’t really care, do you?” He asked, and she set her head down on her paws, looking up at him with her giant eyes. “Of course you care!” He cooed at her.
“The guy on the answering machine was Pete?” I breathed. “No. No way. Pete wouldn’t… he would’ve told me, at least…”
Ryan rolled Hobo off his chest, and stood up. He let his shirt fall off his shoulders, and walked back to the dresser. He extended his right arm, and looked at it closely. I took a step closer, and saw my own name, carved into his skin. It was healed, but the pale scars stood out on his skin.
Ryan’s whole frame shook, and he buried his face in his hands. Small sobs escaped his lips, and he propped his elbows on the dresser, leaning forward on them.
“Don’t cry.” I whispered, extending my hand toward him. “Ry… Please, please, please, please don’t cry.” I tried to touch him, but my hand went right through his shoulder.
“No…” I whispered, and I felt tears start seeping out of my eyes.
“I don’t want to miss you anymore.” Ryan whispered harshly. He raised his head out of his hands, brushing his hair out of his face. He wiped under his eyes with the heels of his hands, and sighed, squeezing his eyes shut again. ”I don’t want to love you anymore.”
“I’m sorry.” I whispered to him, finding that my hands still went through him if I tried to touch him.
“Fuck you. I’m moving on with my life.” Ryan snapped. He wiped his eyes, then opened a drawer, pulling out a foundation compact. He coated the inside of his arm with it, so the scars were less noticeable, then dusted his face with it. He carefully lined his eyes, then pulled on a plain red tee-shirt.
The front door opened, and I heard Pete call, “Ryan?”
“In here, Sweetheart.” Ryan called back.
The grip on my stomach tightened and twisted. He used to call me Sweetheart. I stumbled back and leaned into the wall as Pete walked in.
They wrapped their arms around each other, and kissed. Ryan smiled at Pete.
“I missed you today.” Pete murmured.
“I missed you too.” Ryan said, leaning his head onto Pete’s shoulder.
They stood there for a moment, just holding each other, before Pete spoke again.
“I’m gonna fuck you so hard.” Pete purred in Ryan’s ear.
“God, I was hoping you’d say that.” Ryan moaned.
Pete grinned, and wrapped his hands around the backs on Ryan’s knees, and flung him onto the bed. Pete straddled him, and they continued kissing as they pulled at each other’s clothes.
“Please don’t make me watch this.” I whispered, looking at Rue.
She clicked her tongue, and jerked her head towards the bed. My eyes went back to them as the clothes disappeared. I flinched and cringed as Pete had his way with Ryan, who was clearly enjoying it.
I sank down the wall, and covered my face with my hands. I peeked at the bed between my fingers, unable to tear my eyes away.
It wasn’t long before Pete was pushing his dick in and out of the man that I love. I felt like someone was slowly prying my ribs apart, so my heart could be ripped out of my chest. It seemed to go on forever before they both came, gasping and panting each other’s names. Pete collapsed into Ryan, their bodies melting together like it was completely natural.
“God, I love you.” Ryan whispered, gently pulling his fingers through Pete’s hair.
“You do?” Pete asked quietly after a moment.
“Yes.” Ryan pulled back to look at Pete. “Why would you question that?”
Pete didn’t respond, but he ran the tip of his index finger lightly over the scars of my name in his arm.
“Baby, I don’t love him anymore.” Ryan whispered, putting his fingers under Pete’s chin, and tipping his head up.
“That’s such bullshit.” Pete whispered, leaning up slightly to kiss Ryan.
Ryan pulled away.
“Why would you say that, Pete?” Ryan asked, his eyebrows furrowing.
“You didn’t do this,” He held up Ryan’s arm, “right after he left you, Ry. You did it a couple months ago. And don’t try to tell me that you weren’t crying right before I got here.”
Ryan gaped at him, open-mouthed, not saying anything. Pete bit his lip, and ducked his head.
“If you knew that I was crying, why didn’t you ask what was wrong?” Ryan asked slowly.
Pete didn’t answer.
“Pete?” Ryan whispered, and Pete peeked up at him. “If you knew that I was sad,” Ryan’s voice quaked, “why did you fuck me?”
“Because I wanted to.” Pete whispered. “That’s what I came here to do. We were both expecting it, so I did it.”
Ryan’s mouth fell open.
“Don’t try to say that you didn’t want it.” Pete said, gently cupping Ryan’s cheek. “If you’d told me to stop, I would’ve.”
“You’re sick.” Ryan breathed.
“Ry-”
“You’re fucking sick!” Ryan screamed, flinging Pete’s body off of his, and scrambling up against the headboard, pulling his knees to his chest.
“Baby, don’t say that.” Pete said.
“Get out!” Ryan sobbed, clutching his face, digging his fingernails into his skin.
“Ryan-”
“You’re just like everyone said you were!” Ryan sobbed, rocking forward and back slightly. “I didn’t listen to them, Pete! I gave you a chance to be different than everyone said you were! But you’re exactly the fucking same! Get out of my house!”
Pete rolled off the bed, and yanked his clothes on roughly. He strode over to the bedroom door, and pulled it open. He stepped halfway out, then turned back.
“How many people are you going to lose because you’re a fucking idiot?” Pete said, cocking his head to the side slightly. Ryan looked up at him, hurt and confused.
“W-what?” Ryan asked softly, pulling his hands away from his face so he could see Pete clearer.
“You lost Brendon because you got drunk and started flirting. You lost Jon because you were too wrapped up in all your own shit to treat him the way he deserved to be treated. And now you’re losing me, because you’re acting like a little bitch.”
Pete stormed out, slamming both the bedroom door and the front door behind him. Ryan dissolved into unmasked sobs.
Rue held her hand out to me, but I was frozen, watching him scream wordlessly into his hands.
“Brendon.” Rue whispered, waving her hand in front of my face. I still couldn’t move. He was so beautiful, even now. Even while he was in so much pain, screaming and sobbing into his hands. So beautiful.
Rue crouched next to me, and wrapped her arms around my chest. The room dissolved around us, and I realized I was shaking.
“Breathe, Bren.” Aaron was suddenly next to me, rubbing my shoulders.
I felt tears start to leak out of my eyes, and Aaron hugged me gently, rocking me back and forth.
“Leave him.” Rue said. “He needs to feel this. Let him.”
Aaron slowly withdrew from me, and sat next to Rue on the bed.
“That’s not all, Brendon.” Aaron murmured.
“Fuck you!” I screamed. “Fuck that! I’m fucking done, okay?!”
Aaron and Rue shared a look, then looked back at me. By the annoyance in Rue’s eyes and the sympathy in Aaron’s, I could tell that I wasn’t getting out of seeing whatever else was going on.
A/N: Dun Dun DUN!!! The title of the chapter is from Zombies by The Cranberries. It doesn't really relate to the chapter as well as the others did, but the song was stuck in my head while I was writing, so here we are. PLLLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEE Rate and Review! It makes my life waaaaaaaay better!!! I'll try to update soon. The homework load has been ridiculously light this week, so I'll either be bombarded for the weekend, or I'll be completely free. So we'll see how that goes.
xxAnna
“Fuckin’ kidding me?” I yawned, rolling over, and burying my face in my pillow.
“Nope.” Rue spoke, and I could hear the smile in her voice.
“Get up.” Aaron urged.
“No!” I cried stubbornly, squeezing the pillow tighter in my arms.
“Fine, don’t get up.” Rue said, and I looked over my shoulder at her. Her arms were crossed, and her hip was popped out to the side. “I can take you to go see Ryan without you getting out of the bed.”
“You’re gonna take me to see Ryan?” I asked, sitting up.
“Yeah-huh.” Rue nodded. “Easy way or the hard way?”
I slid out of the bed, and walked over to her. She held out her hand, and I accepted it. The room dissolved around us, and when a dimly lit room came into focus, I realized that Aaron wasn’t with us.
“Where’s Aaron?” I asked.
“He’s waiting for us.” Rue said, peering around the room. “Just you and me, for now.”
“Where are we?” I asked, looking around.
“Ryan’s house.” Rue said, sitting in the old fashioned arm chair in the corner. She pushed her hair out of her eyes, and tapped her fingers absentmindedly on her knees.
“Where is he?” I asked.
“In his car.” She said, staring blankly across the room, like she wasn’t really seeing it. “He’ll be here in about two minutes.” She blinked, and smiled up at me.
“So…” I perched on the edge of the coffee table, knowing Ryan would kill me if he ever saw me doing that, but assuming I couldn’t cause any damage, since I wasn’t really here. “What’s the point of this? I mean, last night was seeing where I went wrong. What am I supposed to get from tonight?”
“It’s hard to explain.” Rue said, crossing her legs. “I’ll explain after we see what we need to see, and go back to talk to Aaron.”
“How do you know that I need to see what’s about to happen?” I asked.
“Just a feeling.” She said lightly, shifting her eyes away from me. I got the feeling that there was more than a feeling, but I let it drop.
“He’s pulling in.” Rue said, her eyes getting that unfocused look again. She blinked, and her eyes snapped back onto me. “Will you be able to hold yourself together?” She asked.
“I don’t know.” I said honestly.
“Come stand over here.” Rue said, pointing to the space next to the chair she was sitting in. I obeyed, and leaned against the wall, crossing my arms and bracing myself.
The front door opened, and he walked in, looking as unbelievable as he always did. I felt my breath leave me in a rush as he came into view. He pulled off his form-fitting leather jacket, and hung it on the hook next to the door. He set down his keys, and shook out his hair as he walked across the room to the phone. He pushed a button on it, and it beeped.
“George? Georgie, are you there? It’s your mother, answer the phone! No? You’re not home? Hel-LOOOOO? Fuck.”
It beeped again, and Ryan smirked, pushing another button. The automated voice informed him that the message had been deleted, and there was another message.
“Hey, baby, it’s me.” A male voice came from the machine, and I felt my mouth fall open. “I was just wondering if I’m coming to your place, or if you’re coming to mine tonight? I’m gonna try your cell, I guess. Call me, though, okay? I love you.”
Ryan bit his lip, and looked at the clock. He frowned, the left the room.
Rue stood up, gripped my wrist, and led me down a hallway after Ryan.
“Hobo!” Ryan called as he unbuttoned his shirt.
Hobo came waddling like there was no tomorrow, and, to my surprise, rather than running through the legs of me and Rue, she went between them.
“You’re a weird dog.” Ryan told her, scooping her up, and falling backwards onto the bed. His shirt was unbuttoned, but still on. Hobo made herself comfortable on his toned abs, and licked his chin.
“I wish you could give me advice.” Ryan said to Hobo as he petted her. “I could really use some right now.” He sighed, and Hobo continued licking his chin. “Pete’s coming over tonight.” He told her. “You don’t really care, do you?” He asked, and she set her head down on her paws, looking up at him with her giant eyes. “Of course you care!” He cooed at her.
“The guy on the answering machine was Pete?” I breathed. “No. No way. Pete wouldn’t… he would’ve told me, at least…”
Ryan rolled Hobo off his chest, and stood up. He let his shirt fall off his shoulders, and walked back to the dresser. He extended his right arm, and looked at it closely. I took a step closer, and saw my own name, carved into his skin. It was healed, but the pale scars stood out on his skin.
Ryan’s whole frame shook, and he buried his face in his hands. Small sobs escaped his lips, and he propped his elbows on the dresser, leaning forward on them.
“Don’t cry.” I whispered, extending my hand toward him. “Ry… Please, please, please, please don’t cry.” I tried to touch him, but my hand went right through his shoulder.
“No…” I whispered, and I felt tears start seeping out of my eyes.
“I don’t want to miss you anymore.” Ryan whispered harshly. He raised his head out of his hands, brushing his hair out of his face. He wiped under his eyes with the heels of his hands, and sighed, squeezing his eyes shut again. ”I don’t want to love you anymore.”
“I’m sorry.” I whispered to him, finding that my hands still went through him if I tried to touch him.
“Fuck you. I’m moving on with my life.” Ryan snapped. He wiped his eyes, then opened a drawer, pulling out a foundation compact. He coated the inside of his arm with it, so the scars were less noticeable, then dusted his face with it. He carefully lined his eyes, then pulled on a plain red tee-shirt.
The front door opened, and I heard Pete call, “Ryan?”
“In here, Sweetheart.” Ryan called back.
The grip on my stomach tightened and twisted. He used to call me Sweetheart. I stumbled back and leaned into the wall as Pete walked in.
They wrapped their arms around each other, and kissed. Ryan smiled at Pete.
“I missed you today.” Pete murmured.
“I missed you too.” Ryan said, leaning his head onto Pete’s shoulder.
They stood there for a moment, just holding each other, before Pete spoke again.
“I’m gonna fuck you so hard.” Pete purred in Ryan’s ear.
“God, I was hoping you’d say that.” Ryan moaned.
Pete grinned, and wrapped his hands around the backs on Ryan’s knees, and flung him onto the bed. Pete straddled him, and they continued kissing as they pulled at each other’s clothes.
“Please don’t make me watch this.” I whispered, looking at Rue.
She clicked her tongue, and jerked her head towards the bed. My eyes went back to them as the clothes disappeared. I flinched and cringed as Pete had his way with Ryan, who was clearly enjoying it.
I sank down the wall, and covered my face with my hands. I peeked at the bed between my fingers, unable to tear my eyes away.
It wasn’t long before Pete was pushing his dick in and out of the man that I love. I felt like someone was slowly prying my ribs apart, so my heart could be ripped out of my chest. It seemed to go on forever before they both came, gasping and panting each other’s names. Pete collapsed into Ryan, their bodies melting together like it was completely natural.
“God, I love you.” Ryan whispered, gently pulling his fingers through Pete’s hair.
“You do?” Pete asked quietly after a moment.
“Yes.” Ryan pulled back to look at Pete. “Why would you question that?”
Pete didn’t respond, but he ran the tip of his index finger lightly over the scars of my name in his arm.
“Baby, I don’t love him anymore.” Ryan whispered, putting his fingers under Pete’s chin, and tipping his head up.
“That’s such bullshit.” Pete whispered, leaning up slightly to kiss Ryan.
Ryan pulled away.
“Why would you say that, Pete?” Ryan asked, his eyebrows furrowing.
“You didn’t do this,” He held up Ryan’s arm, “right after he left you, Ry. You did it a couple months ago. And don’t try to tell me that you weren’t crying right before I got here.”
Ryan gaped at him, open-mouthed, not saying anything. Pete bit his lip, and ducked his head.
“If you knew that I was crying, why didn’t you ask what was wrong?” Ryan asked slowly.
Pete didn’t answer.
“Pete?” Ryan whispered, and Pete peeked up at him. “If you knew that I was sad,” Ryan’s voice quaked, “why did you fuck me?”
“Because I wanted to.” Pete whispered. “That’s what I came here to do. We were both expecting it, so I did it.”
Ryan’s mouth fell open.
“Don’t try to say that you didn’t want it.” Pete said, gently cupping Ryan’s cheek. “If you’d told me to stop, I would’ve.”
“You’re sick.” Ryan breathed.
“Ry-”
“You’re fucking sick!” Ryan screamed, flinging Pete’s body off of his, and scrambling up against the headboard, pulling his knees to his chest.
“Baby, don’t say that.” Pete said.
“Get out!” Ryan sobbed, clutching his face, digging his fingernails into his skin.
“Ryan-”
“You’re just like everyone said you were!” Ryan sobbed, rocking forward and back slightly. “I didn’t listen to them, Pete! I gave you a chance to be different than everyone said you were! But you’re exactly the fucking same! Get out of my house!”
Pete rolled off the bed, and yanked his clothes on roughly. He strode over to the bedroom door, and pulled it open. He stepped halfway out, then turned back.
“How many people are you going to lose because you’re a fucking idiot?” Pete said, cocking his head to the side slightly. Ryan looked up at him, hurt and confused.
“W-what?” Ryan asked softly, pulling his hands away from his face so he could see Pete clearer.
“You lost Brendon because you got drunk and started flirting. You lost Jon because you were too wrapped up in all your own shit to treat him the way he deserved to be treated. And now you’re losing me, because you’re acting like a little bitch.”
Pete stormed out, slamming both the bedroom door and the front door behind him. Ryan dissolved into unmasked sobs.
Rue held her hand out to me, but I was frozen, watching him scream wordlessly into his hands.
“Brendon.” Rue whispered, waving her hand in front of my face. I still couldn’t move. He was so beautiful, even now. Even while he was in so much pain, screaming and sobbing into his hands. So beautiful.
Rue crouched next to me, and wrapped her arms around my chest. The room dissolved around us, and I realized I was shaking.
“Breathe, Bren.” Aaron was suddenly next to me, rubbing my shoulders.
I felt tears start to leak out of my eyes, and Aaron hugged me gently, rocking me back and forth.
“Leave him.” Rue said. “He needs to feel this. Let him.”
Aaron slowly withdrew from me, and sat next to Rue on the bed.
“That’s not all, Brendon.” Aaron murmured.
“Fuck you!” I screamed. “Fuck that! I’m fucking done, okay?!”
Aaron and Rue shared a look, then looked back at me. By the annoyance in Rue’s eyes and the sympathy in Aaron’s, I could tell that I wasn’t getting out of seeing whatever else was going on.
A/N: Dun Dun DUN!!! The title of the chapter is from Zombies by The Cranberries. It doesn't really relate to the chapter as well as the others did, but the song was stuck in my head while I was writing, so here we are. PLLLLLLLEEEEEEAAAAAAASSSSSSEEEEEEE Rate and Review! It makes my life waaaaaaaay better!!! I'll try to update soon. The homework load has been ridiculously light this week, so I'll either be bombarded for the weekend, or I'll be completely free. So we'll see how that goes.
xxAnna
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