Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Kiss And Control
Watch The Stars Turn You To Nothing
8 reviewsWhen you need someone so desperately, there is no room left to love them. Gerard and April are from different sides of the tracks, but something deeper pulls them together.
1Moving
DISCLAIMER - Do not own. Do not know. Do not sue.
A/N: PLEASE SEND REVIEWS? NOT LEAVING REVIEWS OF THIS FANFIC WILL RESULT IN KAYLYNN COMING TO YOUR HOUSE AND SUCKING YOUR BLOOD.
Chapter 1 - Watch The Stars Turn You To Nothing
If we could gut people like we could gut french fries, wouldn't life be so much easier? If we could pull their insides out of them through their fronts, without anyone ever noticing or complaining, wouldn't we? Would we scrape away at them, ignoring the salt on our fingertips, pretending we still had some faith in humanity left?
Those were the important life questions racing through my mind as I sat there playing with my food. Alone at a red plastic table, streaked with windex, in this shitty crowded diner in a shitty crowded neighborhood. I never would've been here unless it was important.
This wasn't the first time I had been stood up.
More importantly, it wasn't the first time I had been stood up by a girl.
And perhaps most importantly of all, it wasn't the first time I had been stood up by Kate.
I remember last time this had happened, she called me at three a.m. I had been asleep, of course, but she hadn't. She was sobbing and drunk. She had woken up in a bathtub, naked, at a party, with no recollection of how she got there.
"Please come and get me, April?" She sounded so desperate. "There's no one else I can call. I'm sorry it's been so long, but..."
It had been six months, actually. Without a word from her, without a single word. And still, I got directions from her and drove, without a second thought. I left my big featherbed at three in the morning, climbed through a freezing Jersey winter, ignoring the fact that I had to be at work soon - and I drove two hours, stopping only for coffee on the way. I sped, afraid for her and feeling ill the whole time. How had this happened to her? The girl who once might as well have been my sister. The girl who had shared my roof, and everything else - she had shared the most important years of my life.
When I got there, I thought it was the wrong house. I couldn't believe she'd be at a party somewhere like this.
She was supposed to be waiting on the driveway.
She wasn't.
She was supposed to stay at the house.
She hadn't.
I didn't stay on the doorstep long enough to find out where she was; I was uncomfortable even having my new BMW in this neighborhood. All it took for me to give up on her were the incoherent words from the teenager at the door: "I think she left with some guy."
Less than surprised, but more than angry, I had turned and left to come home. She didn't need me anymore.
Kate didn't need me anymore. She had let go. Why hadn't I? It echoed in my head until the tears burned out of my eyes and blurred the white dotted lines on the road. Nevermind the fact that I had saved her life. Nevermind that I was the only one there for her for two years.
That had been over a year ago. A year, not knowing if she was dead or alive, or how to find out even if I wanted to know. She had no family, I had been her family - my family had been her family. She didn't have a house, she lived wherever she could live. I just pushed her out of my mind.
Kate called two days ago, from Newark. At first, like nothing ever happened, oblivious, as usual, to the thought that maybe I'd be angry with her. Maybe I wouldn't want to talk to her, or know how she was, or see her, or even just hear her flippant voice on the other end of the line.
Of course, she might've just known me well enough to know better.
Kate spoke as if the disintegration of our friendship hadn't been by her own choice.
"Oh, April, darling! I've missed you so much! How have you been?"
And so I told her, work and my family, not much had changed. Still no boyfriend, since Jared had cheated I just hadn't found anyone that caught my eye. And oh, I'd ran into Heather the other day, and she's engaged now, but she still looks the same as she did in highschool.
"Heather... I can't remember a Heather..." Kate murmured.
"She graduated with me. She was a senior when you were a sophomore." I had told her. Of course... that was around the time when it happened. I was sure much of Kate's life around that time was a blur. Maybe that's why she forgot how much I did for her and the fact that we were once dependant on each other. Best friends forever.
We should've been.
We were.
"Well, I've met this fabulous boy in Newark and we've moved in together." Kate bubbled. "But I need your help on something..."
Of course. Of course she did. Why else would she bother to call? The idea that maybe she needed me again, maybe for longer this time... Maybe there would be laughter, and dancing, and boys again... That idea kept me from being angry.
"I have to be honest with you, April. I went through something a few months ago... I was stupid." Kate paused on the phone to gather the right words. "I got really into cocaine." She stopped to let it sink in.
The words stung. I had always been RIGHT HERE, I wanted to yell at her. RIGHT HERE to help you, to give you a place to live, to give you love and take care of you, ever since your mom died. Why did she feel such a need to hide from the few people, the few close family friends of her mother, who reached out to her? I knew that it had been more than hard on her; I mean fuck, I was the one who called the ambulance when I found her with in the bathroom, razorblade in hand, painting the walls in a sickly shade of Kate's-wrist-blood-red. If anyone knew her struggles, it was me. I knew that life in East Brunswick without her mother had been torturous, but we fought our way through private school together. We fought our way through the bitchy rich girls and football jocks, we went to the ska shows and punk shows and had crushes on all the wrong boys.
Somehow, I had learned to stabilize where she had fallen to pieces.
I guess losing the only person alive with the same blood pulsing through their veins can do that to you.
"I exhausted my bank account." Kate told me. I heard the humiliation in her voice. She had gotten an ENORMOUS settlement from the airline after the accident. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. More than my rich-ass parents made in a year, combined.
It was all gone?
"I ran out of money, April." Kate repeated herself, disbelief in her own voice, as if she were just as surprized by it as I was. "I was seeing this kid, but it didn't work out. He found out about the drugs and he broke up with me. God, I've learned SO MUCH since then... I wish..." Kate's voice was quivering. "I wish I could take it all back." I couldn't stand hearing her like this. Hearing her hurt.
"What do you need me to do, hun?" I asked. "I'll do whatever you need to help." Rehab, a place to stay, a psychiatrist, I was ready and willing to bend over backwards for her. I would always love her, she had become family.
"I borrowed $300 from my ex," Kate had begun crying. "He won't leave me alone, April." She sniffled into the phone and regained her composure. "He won't leave me alone, he calls me all the time about it. Joe, that's my new boyfriend, and fuck - he's so amazing, he loves me. I gave up all the drugs for him, I promise I have, I haven't touched them. He's straight-edge, he has no idea the things I've done. Mikey threatens to tell him all the time, the other day he called me, and he said that I had a week to give him the money back, that it was his brother's money. I never thought he'd be so cruel to me," Kate was sobbing now. "Joe would leave me, he'd leave me for lying, but I just can't tell him. I'm so sorry I've been such a shitty friend, such a shitty sister..."
Sister.
I felt my chest contract.
"Could you please help me, April?"
"Yes, Kate, yes of course. Please stop crying, it's okay..."
When Kate had gathered herself, we made plans to meet up in Newark. It was a half-hour drive for me, and not the nicest place to have dinner, but Kate didn't even have a car. "I'm working on it, I'm trying to get a job," she had explained to me. Another shitty part of town, another desperate phone call and ridiculous request, but I still cared so much about her. Maybe even more, now that I knew her desperate situation. I guess saving a life is kind of like giving one - I know it's an overstatement, but I almost felt like a mother, I felt as if I was the reason Kate was here, and I felt a certain responsibility to her.
"I love you so fucking much, April." Kate said before we hung up. "Let's start hanging out again. I want you to meet Joe. You'd love the scene here too, the bands are amazing. You aren't too old for some punk shows, are you?"
"Of course not," I had laughed, "is 21 really that old?"
"Great. Glorious. It'll be like old times. April, I'll never forget this. Thank you so much."
Apparently, she had a shorter memory than she knew. Apparently, it didn't even last from the message she had left on my phone to reaffirm the place and time this afternoon, until the evening she was supposed to keep the date.
I had been here for an hour. A long, uncomfortable, hour. The place was full of Newark kids.
And Newark kids had a reputation that I didn't want to test out.
Newark wasn't the best place in Jersey to live. Everyone knew that. The kids here were "dirties," as Kate and I used to so affectionately term the kids who weren't quite goth, weren't quite punk, definitely weren't preppy, and sort of had a funny smell to their clothes. Like maccaroni noodles and mothballs. Jersey was littered with them, but they seemed to congregate in certain cities. Newark being one of them. I stuck out like a sore thumb.
I was the only one with washed hair and no pimples. I mean, it wasn't as bad as if I had been a really typical East Brunswick girl; but my red hair was dyed professionally - and cut professionally, for that matter... And I knew the leather jacket WITHOUT holes sort of gave me away.
And I wanted to go home. I had ordered chili fries and an enormous soda, a soda so big that the waitress would never have to refill it, and I hadn't eaten a bite or taken a sip. I could see myself in the red shiny plastic table, and I could hear the conversations around me. Kids talking about things that would never again affect my life, talking about shows and classes and part-time jobs. Piercings, tattoos, metal bands, and getting "fucked up."
Don't get me wrong. It wasn't that I hadn't gone through that phase. It wasn't like I had a perfect life, by any means. But I had learned to pull it together, to be strong for the people around me. I didn't understand how kids my age were letting their lives control them, instead of the other way around. It killed me.
"April?"
It was an unfamiliar voice. I looked up inquisitively to find a face just as unfamiliar.
"Yeah?" I answered with an equally questioning voice. I knew he didn't know me, he was as Newark as they came, from his matted black hair to his untied black Converse - and every awkward inch in between.
"Hey." He pulled out the chair opposite me, stuck his hands into his pockets, and sat down noisily. He sniffled deep and looked across the table at me, staring sort of rudely... Expecting something.
I just stared back at him, eyes narrowed... just confused.
"Do I know you from somewhere?" I asked him. He had started biting his nails, and was still looking up at me over his knuckles.
The habits on these kids. So impressive. He didn't even take his hand out of his mouth to speak.
"I'm here for the money. I'm Gerard."
A/N: PLEASE SEND REVIEWS? NOT LEAVING REVIEWS OF THIS FANFIC WILL RESULT IN KAYLYNN COMING TO YOUR HOUSE AND SUCKING YOUR BLOOD.
Chapter 1 - Watch The Stars Turn You To Nothing
If we could gut people like we could gut french fries, wouldn't life be so much easier? If we could pull their insides out of them through their fronts, without anyone ever noticing or complaining, wouldn't we? Would we scrape away at them, ignoring the salt on our fingertips, pretending we still had some faith in humanity left?
Those were the important life questions racing through my mind as I sat there playing with my food. Alone at a red plastic table, streaked with windex, in this shitty crowded diner in a shitty crowded neighborhood. I never would've been here unless it was important.
This wasn't the first time I had been stood up.
More importantly, it wasn't the first time I had been stood up by a girl.
And perhaps most importantly of all, it wasn't the first time I had been stood up by Kate.
I remember last time this had happened, she called me at three a.m. I had been asleep, of course, but she hadn't. She was sobbing and drunk. She had woken up in a bathtub, naked, at a party, with no recollection of how she got there.
"Please come and get me, April?" She sounded so desperate. "There's no one else I can call. I'm sorry it's been so long, but..."
It had been six months, actually. Without a word from her, without a single word. And still, I got directions from her and drove, without a second thought. I left my big featherbed at three in the morning, climbed through a freezing Jersey winter, ignoring the fact that I had to be at work soon - and I drove two hours, stopping only for coffee on the way. I sped, afraid for her and feeling ill the whole time. How had this happened to her? The girl who once might as well have been my sister. The girl who had shared my roof, and everything else - she had shared the most important years of my life.
When I got there, I thought it was the wrong house. I couldn't believe she'd be at a party somewhere like this.
She was supposed to be waiting on the driveway.
She wasn't.
She was supposed to stay at the house.
She hadn't.
I didn't stay on the doorstep long enough to find out where she was; I was uncomfortable even having my new BMW in this neighborhood. All it took for me to give up on her were the incoherent words from the teenager at the door: "I think she left with some guy."
Less than surprised, but more than angry, I had turned and left to come home. She didn't need me anymore.
Kate didn't need me anymore. She had let go. Why hadn't I? It echoed in my head until the tears burned out of my eyes and blurred the white dotted lines on the road. Nevermind the fact that I had saved her life. Nevermind that I was the only one there for her for two years.
That had been over a year ago. A year, not knowing if she was dead or alive, or how to find out even if I wanted to know. She had no family, I had been her family - my family had been her family. She didn't have a house, she lived wherever she could live. I just pushed her out of my mind.
Kate called two days ago, from Newark. At first, like nothing ever happened, oblivious, as usual, to the thought that maybe I'd be angry with her. Maybe I wouldn't want to talk to her, or know how she was, or see her, or even just hear her flippant voice on the other end of the line.
Of course, she might've just known me well enough to know better.
Kate spoke as if the disintegration of our friendship hadn't been by her own choice.
"Oh, April, darling! I've missed you so much! How have you been?"
And so I told her, work and my family, not much had changed. Still no boyfriend, since Jared had cheated I just hadn't found anyone that caught my eye. And oh, I'd ran into Heather the other day, and she's engaged now, but she still looks the same as she did in highschool.
"Heather... I can't remember a Heather..." Kate murmured.
"She graduated with me. She was a senior when you were a sophomore." I had told her. Of course... that was around the time when it happened. I was sure much of Kate's life around that time was a blur. Maybe that's why she forgot how much I did for her and the fact that we were once dependant on each other. Best friends forever.
We should've been.
We were.
"Well, I've met this fabulous boy in Newark and we've moved in together." Kate bubbled. "But I need your help on something..."
Of course. Of course she did. Why else would she bother to call? The idea that maybe she needed me again, maybe for longer this time... Maybe there would be laughter, and dancing, and boys again... That idea kept me from being angry.
"I have to be honest with you, April. I went through something a few months ago... I was stupid." Kate paused on the phone to gather the right words. "I got really into cocaine." She stopped to let it sink in.
The words stung. I had always been RIGHT HERE, I wanted to yell at her. RIGHT HERE to help you, to give you a place to live, to give you love and take care of you, ever since your mom died. Why did she feel such a need to hide from the few people, the few close family friends of her mother, who reached out to her? I knew that it had been more than hard on her; I mean fuck, I was the one who called the ambulance when I found her with in the bathroom, razorblade in hand, painting the walls in a sickly shade of Kate's-wrist-blood-red. If anyone knew her struggles, it was me. I knew that life in East Brunswick without her mother had been torturous, but we fought our way through private school together. We fought our way through the bitchy rich girls and football jocks, we went to the ska shows and punk shows and had crushes on all the wrong boys.
Somehow, I had learned to stabilize where she had fallen to pieces.
I guess losing the only person alive with the same blood pulsing through their veins can do that to you.
"I exhausted my bank account." Kate told me. I heard the humiliation in her voice. She had gotten an ENORMOUS settlement from the airline after the accident. Hundreds of thousands of dollars. More than my rich-ass parents made in a year, combined.
It was all gone?
"I ran out of money, April." Kate repeated herself, disbelief in her own voice, as if she were just as surprized by it as I was. "I was seeing this kid, but it didn't work out. He found out about the drugs and he broke up with me. God, I've learned SO MUCH since then... I wish..." Kate's voice was quivering. "I wish I could take it all back." I couldn't stand hearing her like this. Hearing her hurt.
"What do you need me to do, hun?" I asked. "I'll do whatever you need to help." Rehab, a place to stay, a psychiatrist, I was ready and willing to bend over backwards for her. I would always love her, she had become family.
"I borrowed $300 from my ex," Kate had begun crying. "He won't leave me alone, April." She sniffled into the phone and regained her composure. "He won't leave me alone, he calls me all the time about it. Joe, that's my new boyfriend, and fuck - he's so amazing, he loves me. I gave up all the drugs for him, I promise I have, I haven't touched them. He's straight-edge, he has no idea the things I've done. Mikey threatens to tell him all the time, the other day he called me, and he said that I had a week to give him the money back, that it was his brother's money. I never thought he'd be so cruel to me," Kate was sobbing now. "Joe would leave me, he'd leave me for lying, but I just can't tell him. I'm so sorry I've been such a shitty friend, such a shitty sister..."
Sister.
I felt my chest contract.
"Could you please help me, April?"
"Yes, Kate, yes of course. Please stop crying, it's okay..."
When Kate had gathered herself, we made plans to meet up in Newark. It was a half-hour drive for me, and not the nicest place to have dinner, but Kate didn't even have a car. "I'm working on it, I'm trying to get a job," she had explained to me. Another shitty part of town, another desperate phone call and ridiculous request, but I still cared so much about her. Maybe even more, now that I knew her desperate situation. I guess saving a life is kind of like giving one - I know it's an overstatement, but I almost felt like a mother, I felt as if I was the reason Kate was here, and I felt a certain responsibility to her.
"I love you so fucking much, April." Kate said before we hung up. "Let's start hanging out again. I want you to meet Joe. You'd love the scene here too, the bands are amazing. You aren't too old for some punk shows, are you?"
"Of course not," I had laughed, "is 21 really that old?"
"Great. Glorious. It'll be like old times. April, I'll never forget this. Thank you so much."
Apparently, she had a shorter memory than she knew. Apparently, it didn't even last from the message she had left on my phone to reaffirm the place and time this afternoon, until the evening she was supposed to keep the date.
I had been here for an hour. A long, uncomfortable, hour. The place was full of Newark kids.
And Newark kids had a reputation that I didn't want to test out.
Newark wasn't the best place in Jersey to live. Everyone knew that. The kids here were "dirties," as Kate and I used to so affectionately term the kids who weren't quite goth, weren't quite punk, definitely weren't preppy, and sort of had a funny smell to their clothes. Like maccaroni noodles and mothballs. Jersey was littered with them, but they seemed to congregate in certain cities. Newark being one of them. I stuck out like a sore thumb.
I was the only one with washed hair and no pimples. I mean, it wasn't as bad as if I had been a really typical East Brunswick girl; but my red hair was dyed professionally - and cut professionally, for that matter... And I knew the leather jacket WITHOUT holes sort of gave me away.
And I wanted to go home. I had ordered chili fries and an enormous soda, a soda so big that the waitress would never have to refill it, and I hadn't eaten a bite or taken a sip. I could see myself in the red shiny plastic table, and I could hear the conversations around me. Kids talking about things that would never again affect my life, talking about shows and classes and part-time jobs. Piercings, tattoos, metal bands, and getting "fucked up."
Don't get me wrong. It wasn't that I hadn't gone through that phase. It wasn't like I had a perfect life, by any means. But I had learned to pull it together, to be strong for the people around me. I didn't understand how kids my age were letting their lives control them, instead of the other way around. It killed me.
"April?"
It was an unfamiliar voice. I looked up inquisitively to find a face just as unfamiliar.
"Yeah?" I answered with an equally questioning voice. I knew he didn't know me, he was as Newark as they came, from his matted black hair to his untied black Converse - and every awkward inch in between.
"Hey." He pulled out the chair opposite me, stuck his hands into his pockets, and sat down noisily. He sniffled deep and looked across the table at me, staring sort of rudely... Expecting something.
I just stared back at him, eyes narrowed... just confused.
"Do I know you from somewhere?" I asked him. He had started biting his nails, and was still looking up at me over his knuckles.
The habits on these kids. So impressive. He didn't even take his hand out of his mouth to speak.
"I'm here for the money. I'm Gerard."
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