FicWad

Amber and I are reluctant to return to New York the following week. We are both mourning in our own ways. Mourning the cousin she lost, the friend I will never get to speak to again. We don’t speak much when we get home. Occasionally we said “Thank you” or “Goodnight” but mostly our apartment is very quiet. The only phrase we say on a regular basis is “I love you.” It is the one thing we have to remind us that everything is going to be okay. I say it more that Amber does. I don’t want Mikey’s death to be the thing that causes her to lapse and fall into that deep dark world of self harm.

It’s funny to think that after these two years I still have that exacto knife she gave me. It is tucked away in my underwear drawer to be returned when I think she is fit to have it. Now is not the time.

Our lives continue on. I still have work and band practice and Amber still has classes and her job at Starbucks. We keep ourselves busy on purpose. It gives us less time to think and also Mikey would have wanted it that way.

Amber goes to visit Gerard every Friday after classes. He’s dropped out of art school and spends most of his time lying about doing nothing. He hardly showers and if it wasn’t for take out her probably wouldn’t eat. Mikey’s death has affected him the most. Amber worries about his mental health. I worry about hers. Life goes on.

On day in mid-October something changes. We had just finished eating a quiet dinner. Setting my container of Chinese food down on the counter next to my girlfriend I run my hands up her bare legs. Without a word Amber takes my face in her hands and kisses me. That’s when the change takes place. I feel that she still wants me and that she still loves me. Amber will be okay. I will be okay. This is our way of saying it.

So I lift Amber from the counter and carry her to the bed in the alcove. I lay her down and slowly peel off her clothes. Ambers helps remove mine. Once we are both naked I kiss her lips and make love to her.

In some ways Amber never fully heals from her cousin’s death. She still cries occasionally, spending long hours staring into space. There isn’t a single Friday that goes by that Amber doesn’t go see Gerard. I just let her go. Pretty much after the night in mid-October she healed. She smiles and talks and we laugh and joke around with each other.

Life goes on.