Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > I Think I'll Blow My Brains Against The Ceiling

Nobody Cares If You're Losing Yourself, Am I Losing Myself?

by AlteredStateOfMind 5 reviews

Pushy blondes and uncontrollable urges.

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst,Drama,Romance - Characters: Frank Iero,Gerard Way - Published: 2012-01-02 - Updated: 2012-01-03 - 2903 words

Happy New Year everyone!
Even though I'm a day late...oh well.
Unfortunately I start school again tomorrow. I swear I'm dreading it like it's the apocalypse.
I'm not gonna have as much time to update as I did during winter break, but I promise I'll try my best.
Hope you all like this chapter :)

-ASM x3

Gerard's POV

It's been about five minutes since we took off and when I look over to my left, Frank seems like he's beginning to relax a little and the color is starting to come back to his face that was pale white in fear a few minutes earlier. Poor kid. Seeing him like this brings back memories of the last time I flew with Mikey. We were taking a trip to California to visit our grand parents. I always knew Mikey was afraid of flying but jesus, that day was completely over the top. I literally had to strap him down to the seat and hold his wrists in place so he wouldn't attempt to tear off the strap secured around his skinny waist and jump out of one of the emergency exits. Let's just say the passengers on that flight were more entertained watching us than they were with the crappy comedy playing on the tv screens on the head rests in front of them.

I hear Frank exhale a huge breath that I'm guessing he'd been holding in since he realized we were taking off. He slumps back in his seat and looks over at me.

"Thanks" he says, and gives my hand a squeeze before letting go.

I usually try avoiding physical contact with people, especially strangers I just met that probably still hate my guts, but I couldn't help showing Frank some form of comfort. I mean, it's not like I was just gonna stand idly by and watch the kid erupt in a panic attack, right? I did the right thing. Which is completely out of character for me lately. I pull the hand that was holding on to Frank's moments ago back into my lap and rub it with my other hand. I'd be lying if I said I didn't enjoy that intimate moment with the gorgeous guy next to me, even if he had only agreed to it because he was too busy freaking out to refuse. Shit. What if he thinks I'm some creepy pervert now? He probably thinks I was just taking advantage of the moment to hit on him. Now he's really going to hate me. Worry over comes my features and I turn to face Frank. No traces of revulsion or acquisition on his face, just a small smile tugging at the corners of his mouth. That must be a good sign. Maybe he doesn't think I'm such a freak after all, thank fuck.

"Sorry for flipping out, I kinda over reacted. I haven't been afraid of flying since I was a little kid. I don't know what got into me."

"Don't worry, I'm use to dealing with that by now." I say, amused that Frank is getting so flustered by this.

"Oh yeah, you mentioned that your brother's afraid of flying too, right? What was his name again? Mickey?"

I laugh; Mikey hates it when people confuse his name like that. 'Mickey? No motherfucker, does it look like I have round ears and go around molesting little kids? Shit.'

"It's Mikey, but yeah, he is. You remind me of him actually, now that I think about it. You're both into Anthrax, have irrational fears of flying, and are short as fuck."

"Hey, I'm not that short, alright?"

"Whatever you say, munchkin." I pat Frank's head and giggle when he gives me a half assed glare that's ruined by the smile he can't hold back.

"Well your brother sounds like a pretty cool guy, does he live in London?"

"Huh?" I offer brilliantly.

"You know...London? Where we're heading? Just wondering if that's the reason you're traveling there."

I'd been so infatuated by Frank that I had completely forgotten that we were heading to England. Or that we were on a plane at all for that matter. Oh, how I wish I was meeting Mikey there. When the reality is that I'm heading to a far away place where I'll know no one. And more importantly, I'll never see Mikey again. That thought immediately forms a lump in my throat and makes my vision blur. I hadn't thought about that at all. I'd been so drugged up during the whole process of getting to the airport that I hadn't thought carefully about anything at all, actually. I didn't leave a note or even bother visiting Mikey at Ray's to see if he was okay. I just packed my bags and left.


I look up to meet eyes with Frank, his eyes filled with confusion and worry. I realize what an idiot I must look like right now, tearing up at a simple question, so I bite down hard on my lip and force the emotions to the back of my mind to deal with later when I'm alone.

"Yeah, sorry. Um, no, Mikey lives with me back in New Jersey."

Before Frank can ask me anymore questions, I decide to direct the conversation towards him instead.

"How about you? Have any relatives waiting for you in London?"

Frank's POV

"No. Truthfully, I don't know anyone over there. I'm going on this trip alone."

Crap. I've said too much. I can already picture what he's going to say next in my mind almost word for word.

"Oh...why exactly are you traveling to London then?"

It scares me how accurate I am sometimes. What do I say? I'm not about to pour my heart out to a complete stranger and drop my life story on him, even though he does seem like a nice guy. I look down at my hand, the one that Gerard held on to while I was spazzing out, and I can still feel that weird tingling feeling flowing through it. I almost grab onto his hand again for no other reason than to just experience that feeling again but I hold myself back. I wonder if he felt it too. I start formulating an elaborate lie in my head about winning a trip to London or some shit when a flight attendant taps on my shoulder. I thank whatever God is up there for giving me such luck and turn around to face the distraction. I vaguely recognize her as the attendant that checked my ticket while I was boarding earlier. She obviously recognizes me too because she shoots me an annoyed look, probably still upset by my lateness.

"Can I get you anything?"

She says, fake politeness soaking her voice. I look over at the chart she is rolling down the aisle filled with snacks and beverages. I don't really want anything, but ask anyway just to piss her off.

"Um, yeah I'll have a Coke."


She looks over at Gerard and I see her expression change from annoyed and unamused to alert and flirtatious.

"Hello, can I get you anything, sir?"

Gerard looks up at her for a split second and shrugs off her request.

"No, thanks, I'm fine."

"Are you sure? I could get you a soft drink or maybe an ice cold beer? It's really no problem."

I notice how Gerard's face lights up at the mention of the alcoholic beverage as he turns to face the annoying blonde again.

"Um, on second thought...sure, I'll have a beer."

"Great, I'll be right back."

The blonde offers him a smile before heading towards the back. What the fuck? Did that bimbo just offer alcohol to a minor? Because the last time I checked the legal drinking age was twenty one and Gerard is definitely under aged. But obviously this is her way of trying to please him and try to get his attention in the process. How repulsive. I also find the fact that Gerard accepter her offer repulsive. He had just started to sober up and now he wanted to intoxicate himself again? What could possibly drive the beautiful guy sitting beside me to want to get in such a state?

I look over at Gerard and see him staring out the small circular window to his right. His angelic face is turned away from me but I can still see glimpses of it when I lean forward. He has a frown set deeply in place and his eyes are glazed over with a layer of contemplation and misery. I wonder what's going through his head right now. I barely know the guy but all I want is to ease what ever troubles are infecting him like a virus and make him smile. But alas, it's not my place to dwell into his personally life. I'm just a stranger who's sharing his company on a flight, nothing more, nothing less.

Before my train of thought can head down a depressing path, I hear high heels stomping against the linoleum floor of the aisle and turn around to be met by the blonde once again. She has a clear plastic cup in one hand that seems to be filled with Bud Light, and a white napkin in the other. It seems to have something written on it but I can't tell what it is from the angle she's holding it. I also notice that the tight, button up uniform top she's wearing has been unbuttoned at the top to reveal a good few inches of cleavage. I'm sure it wasn't that drastic before because I definitely would have noticed. What a whore. She really thinks that's gonna grab Gerard's attention? Well, now that I think about it, maybe it will. As she walks down the aisle I spot more than a hand full of guys checking her out and shifting in their seats to get a better view. I confessed to Gerard earlier that I was gay, but I just realized I'm still in the dark about his sexuality. He didn't freak out when I told him so he's obviously not homophobic, but he's more than likely into chicks. A guy like that must have girls swooning at him all the time.

"Where's my drink?" I ask once she makes her way to our row.

"We were all out."

"Of Coke?!"

She ignores my outburst and turns her focus to Gerard.

"Here's your drink, handsome."

Says the flight attendant as she leans forward more than needed to place the drink on the pop out mini table in front of Gerard, giving him a clear few of her cleavage. He barely looks at her from the corner of his eye and mutters an almost inaudible


I let myself grin, very pleased at Gerard's obvious disinterest. The blonde doesn't seem to be set on giving up any time soon though.

"You're very welcome. Oh, and here."

She extends her arm and Gerard looks up at her in confusion. The bimbo reaches out for his hand, places something in it and wraps his fingers shut securely around it before letting go of his hand.

"I'll be stopping at London for a few days on vacation. I've been there tons of times, maybe I could show you around to some great clubs and sights."

She winks at him and then walks back down the aisle, swaying her hips more than necessary as she walks, probably hoping to get Gerard to stare at her ass. I check to see if he is, but to my relief all he's doing is staring at the napkin in his hand with disgust. I lean a bit to the side to see what's written on it. There's a set of numbers on it, obviously her phone number, and "Call Me" written in black ink at the bottom. As I lean closer I spot a kiss mark next to it, the shade matching the one on her lips. I can't help but snort at her desperate attempt to flirt with Gerard. All he does is roll his eyes, crumple up the napkin, and throw it carelessly on the floor.

"I'm guessing you won't be calling her then?"

I say jokingly, inciting a giggle from Gerard. It's like music to my ears and all I want to do is make him laugh some more so I can enjoy the sweet sound.

"Definitely not. God, I forgot how pushy some girls can be."

My curiosity gets the better of me and I can't stop myself from asking the question that's been eating at me.

"Yeah, it's pretty pathetic. Are you know..."

"Gay?" he offers, raising an eye brow and looking amused.


I try to hide the blush that arises on my cheeks at the personal question I just asked. He shrugs and says,

"Yeah. I mean I've dated a few girls before but I tend to be more attracted to guys."

I smile, maybe a bit too widely. I don't know why I'm enjoying this new information so much. Even if he is into guys, he could pull way better looking ones than me, so I shouldn't get my hopes up. Gerard directs his attention to the beer in front of him and grabs it eagerly. I can practically feel the want radiating off his body for the alcohol and I feel my stomach drop. He brings the plastic cup to his lips and downs the drink in two gulps.


I laugh but Gerard can probably sense the strain in my voice because he looks at me with almost a guilty look in his eye.

"Ha, yeah. Uh, I-I'll be right back."

He stands up from his seat and I spot him shoving his hand into his front pocket, clearly checking he had something before he left to the bathroom a few feet away from our seats. He squeezes past me and makes his way to the back.

Gerard's POV

Thank fuck I was smart enough to keep this in my pocket, I think to myself as I step inside the small bathroom and lock the door behind me. I immediately bring out napkin from my pocket that has a few white pills hidden securely inside. I grab two before wrapping the napkin up again and putting the remaining pills into my pocket. I look up and catch sight of myself in the mirror. My eyes have dark, purple bags underneath them caused by the lack of sleep I got last night. I press a finger over one puffy bag and lean into the mirror, getting a closer look at my eyes.

The pupils are no longer dilated like they had constantly been for the past few weeks and the familiar haze that's always clouding them has almost entirely cleared up. I realize that this is the first time I've been completely sober for who knows how long. You'd think I'd be suffering from the withdrawal by now but speaking to Frank had completely distracted my mind from all things self destructive. But once a lapse in the conversation was caused by the slutty flight attendant, I was hit with the pain and the yearning like a pile of bricks. My head was throbbing painfully and I was beginning to feel nauseous. I couldn't take the temptation to escape to the bathroom and indulge in the pretty white pills in my pocket that were practically calling my name any longer. Plus, I didn't want to become ill in front of Frank and have him worry.

I only wish I'd saved some of the beer to wash these down with. Maybe I can get some more once I'm out of here. The blonde was practically throwing herself at me so I'm sure she'd be more than happy to get me another one. I don't understand why she was acting that way towards me though. I'm just an ugly, black haired, too pale, vampire look a like freak. Why would any female or male for that matter even look at me twice? I've always thought of myself that way, even though I have dated people in the past. Well, drunken hook ups may be a more appropriate title for most of them. Besides, Frank was right next to me. How could the attendant ignore his breath taking beauty and focus on me?

My mind wanders to other negative opinions about myself until I drop my gaze to the pills that are still in my hand. I pop both of them into my mouth at once and swallow them dry. I know two pills won't get me that high, but I don't want to be completely gone. Not right now anyway, when I have Frank beside me. I close my eyes for a few minutes and wait for the pills to take effect. Before I know it the headache fades and I begin to feel hazy. The harsh, sharp edges of reality fade and smooth until I'm at peace again within a familiar dreamy state. I smile to myself, content to be in my comfort zone again.

These pills are no longer a means of escaping my depression, they have become a part of who I am. Without them, I'm nothing.

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