Categories > TV > WWE

Straight Edge Sex Education

by RhiannonLeighBlack 4 reviews

CM Punk teaches sex ed.

Category: WWE - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Published: 2012-01-03 - Updated: 2012-01-03 - 774 words - Complete

CM Punk stood at the front of the classroom.

How do I keep getting talked into this bullshit? I hated high school the first time around, why did I agree to do motivational speaking in one? he thought to himself.

The teenagers filed in and took their seats, a few stragglers running in at the last second, just as the bell was ringing. The varsity football coach, who doubled as the health teacher, emerged from his office, as Punk stood in front of the classroom, hands clasped in front of him.

"Kids, I have a special treat for you today. I'd like to introduce to you Mr. CM Punk. He comes to us today from Chicago, to talk about why abstinence from sex is important."

...Why am I not surprised? Punk thought, before clearing his throat to speak.

"Hey boys and girls, I'm, obviously, CM Punk. First thing you need to know is, I'm straight edge. That means I don't drink, I don't do drugs, and I don't have sex unless it's a relationship serious enough for marriage. I wanted to go ahead and get that out of the way so you don't think I'm being a self righteous hypocrite. Yes, miss?"

The girl who'd raised her hand flashed Punk a smile he knew to be fake.

"Can you, like, talk in like, simple English? We can't like, understand half of what you're, like, saying."

Punk flashed a fake smile back, before replying.

"Well, maybe if I put "like" between every few words like you, like, do, you'd be able to understand better. Moving on. Abstinence is very important. Lemme tell you why. If you have sex, you will get pregnant and DIE."

At this point, Punk paused, and picked up a copy of "OK Magazine" that featured a picture of a very pregnant Jamie Lynne Spears on the front.

"You see this?" he asked, pointing to Jamie Lynne.

"Yes?" the class chorused.

"She's dead. You get pregnant, your life is OVER. And I'm not just talking to the girls here. Guys, they have fathers. You think you're going to get out of this with your boys and your package intact? EH EH. Not happening. Yes sir, you there in the back row?"

"Are you like, speaking from experience or something? Because you seem to have a lot of knowledge on the subject."

Punk smirked, and turned to retrieve a stack of pictures. They, in order, featured Chris Jericho, Randy Orton, Ted DiBiase, Cody Rhodes, Sim Snuka, and Manu.

"No, I don't, as I said earlier, I'm straight edge so I don't have to worry about these things. However, the parents of these fine young men have experienced exactly that. Note, the looks of these jerkoffs get progressively worse as we go along. The first three look harmless, but they're mildly retarded. They have just enough brains to think they're entitled to everything being handed to them, just because they were born. The fourth is...well he's actually alright, he was child number 2, the only defect he has is a lisp. His older brother however is a hermaphrodite obsessed with gold. Number five is still only mildly retarded. Number six is a freak of nature, who also has a lisp. This is what your offspring will be like if you have a child before you're married. This is also what your child will look like if you've done drugs in any form whatsoever." Punk explained.

"But what about condoms? And birth control pills?"

"Excellent question. Neither of those methods are 100% effective at preventing pregnancy, and thus your life may still be in danger. And your poor child--I pity the child that's conceived through a condom." Punk stated, before retrieving another picture from the desk.

Shrieks of shock and gasps of horror filled the room at the sight of Goldust's photograph.

"This is the hermaphrodite I mentioned earlier. He was conceived through a condom. His mother, I'm told, was on the pill. Do you want your babies to turn out like this?" Punk asked.


"So what are you going to do?"


"Exactly. And what have we learned today, boys and girls?"

"If you have sex, you will get pregnant and DIE!"

"And what else have we learned?"

"DRUGS ARE BAD!" One kid wailed.

"Condoms don't work!" another exclaimed.

"I'm a hermaphrodite!" one girl cried, as she ran from the classroom, sobbing.

"Excellent. Class dismissed."

Punk smirked to himself as the bell rang, and the small group of fifteen year olds scurried out of the room.

Now that I've mentally scarred about 30 teenagers, maybe they won't make me do this again.
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