FicWad

Yet another snowflake landed on the floor outside the window. The winter months brought the snow with it, annoying everyone, since they couldn't get where they wanted to be on Christmas Eve. I, however, was staying in my house for Christmas Eve. It wasn't as if I had anywhere else to go on that faithful day, anyway. I sat by the window, watching passersby walking to their destinations. I admired each individual snowflake that landed on the floor. But, just because I was watching the world outside, doesn't mean I was thinking about it.

I usually had company on Christmas Eve. My boyfriend, Ryan, would be at my side all night. We'd always been together for Christmas Eve, ever since we'd gotten together five years ago. But, this Christmas, this one year Ryan wasn't here.

I looked up above my head to see a bush of mistletoe. Instinctively, I pulled it down. I couldn't be thinking about happy times with mistletoe. Mistletoe is a sign of happiness and being together on Christmas. The only thing mistletoe made me think about was the past. It would only upset me more to think about everything that had happened, everything that was happening.

Looking under the tree, I could see a few presents with my name on them. But, it wasn't what I wanted. I knew what I wanted for Christmas I would never get. The one thing I wanted for Christmas was tucked up safe in a snow covered town, miles from where I was. Ryan. Ryan was the only thing I wanted for Christmas. I just wanted to come back to me. I wanted to have him wrap his warm, protective arms around me once more. But, I knew I wasn't going to get that for Christmas.

My family had come over for Christmas, just like they did each year. My little cousins were running around, playing childish games I remembered playing when I was their age. My older sister and her boyfriend were snuggled up on the sofa, watching an old Christmas movie. It made my stomach turn to even look at them. The memories of when that was Ryan and I filled my head as watched the two.

I could see out of the corner of my eye, my mother was standing in the doorway of the kitchen. She had been worrying about me so much. Ever since the expected arrival of the annual holiday of Christmas had begun, she worried for me. I had been distant from everyone because of what happened between Ryan and me. And what did happen? We broke up. Ryan had decided he didn't love me anymore and tore my heart in two. It was because of him I couldn't enjoy time with my family.

‘I hope you're doing well this Christmas Ryan. I hope you think you made the right choice of being with you're family on Christmas Eve, rather than me and mine. I guess I'm doing alright, if you were wondering that is. I find it doubtful that you would even think about me at a time like this. Lately, I can never tell what you're thinking.’

‘Christmas. Christmas shouldn't be a lonely time, even I know that. But, I just can't help wanting to be alone this year. It's the first I've spent alone since we got together. There was a time I didn't need to be alone. There were Christmases when you were mine.’

‘When we first broke up, back in October, I was fine. I was heartbroken, but fine. I knew deep down we were growing apart in the first place. We were just too different in the end. For the whole month of November I was fine without you by my side. I got to be my own person again. I no longer had you weighing me down. Then the nights turned cold. December came quicker than I thought. I missed you. I missed having your warm body to snuggle up to in the nights when I was cold. I just tossed and turned, trying to find the right temperature, but I couldn't.’

‘Now, sitting here with my family, it's different than before. I'm looking around the room and everyone has someone to be with. All the adults are married, all the children are getting along peacefully, even my sister has her boyfriend holding onto her. No one mentions your name. No one asks where you are. Everyone knows what you did to me. They know how bad you hurt me. And if they don't, they can guess by the absence of my mind in the joyful room.’

‘Everyone's sitting around with their loved ones, but me, I'm all alone. I am physically in the presence of family, but emotionally I'm far away. I'm in an isolated place where there's just me. There was a time I didn't need to be alone. There were Christmases when you were mine.’

"Merry Christmas." I manage to squeak as midnight comes around. I don't see what's so merry about it, though. At least I said it once this year. Everyone's celebrating, breaking out the champagne, asking me if I want any. All I can do is shake my head. Not even drinking will solve my problem.

All I can think about is what Ryan's doing. I knew he would be spending time with his family. Probably arguing and joking, not giving a second thought about me. Chances were the present he had addressed to his mother was a sweater. I can remember that's what he always bought her before I stepped in and helped him pick out a gift. I bet his cousins hadn't shown up yet. He always used to tell me about how they would always be late and how he'd rather spend time with my family because we were all there.

Back when Ryan and I were together, I would always help put the lights and decorations up around his house. His parents always said they needed another set of hands to help them. I couldn't help but wonder if they noticed the pair of hands that were missing. It's unlikely they did. I was nothing but the past.

I know Christmas shouldn't be a lonely time. Everyone should be surrounded by their family and friends at a time like Christmas. Christmas is all about togetherness. But, all night I wondered how Ryan was. There used to be Christmases when I didn't have to wonder, he was already next to me. There was a time I didn't need to be alone. There were Christmases when you were mine. Ryan used to be mine...

Yeah. Pretty angsty. Hope y'all liked it either way.
xox Van