Categories > TV > Supernatural
He's told it's a wonder that he remembers anything from before the crash. Hell, he's told it's a wonder he survived the crash; it's a wonder anyone survived it. That thought always brings a new pang of sadness to the surface. Not all of them got out of it. Sam told them that they tried and tried, but it was too late for him; it was too late for them to do anything. John was gone.
He tries to keep that thought buried though, like all the pain and truths that he just doesn't want to face. He tells himself he'll deal with them when this is over, when he has time, but he knows he never will. To deal with them means breaking down, and Dean doesn't know if he'd be able to put himself back together again. He doesn't think anyone or anything would be able to put him back together again. So he doesn't think about it and he doesn't talk about it. Hell, he rarely talks at all anymore; afraid of how weak his voice sounds now, afraid of how much of a kid he feels like.
He feels like he's four again. He's confused and upset and wants his entire family together again. His dad, his mom, everyone. He doesn't understand why everything he loves is either taken from him or leaves. He feels alone, like he felt when Sam left for college and John decided he should strike out on his own for a while. And he hates that feeling. He hates not having control over his life even though he knows he never had control to begin with.
They don't need you. Not like you need them.
Dean wishes he had died and John had been spared. He wishes the demon had killed him and John hadn't gotten control again because then he wouldn't have to deal with this weight on his shoulders; this feeling that he caused it. The feeling that he caused John's death. If the demon had killed him, maybe, just maybe, he would've let Sam and John go. After all, he said he was going to kill his family like Dean had killed his. Why not kill him instead?
So when Sam talks to him and tells him that everything is going to be okay, that they're going to get the demon that did this to them, he blocks it out because he doesn't want to be lied to. Something inside tells him that they're never going to find the demon and even if they do it'll kill them. It's never going to be okay; fate won't allow it to.
He tries to keep that thought buried though, like all the pain and truths that he just doesn't want to face. He tells himself he'll deal with them when this is over, when he has time, but he knows he never will. To deal with them means breaking down, and Dean doesn't know if he'd be able to put himself back together again. He doesn't think anyone or anything would be able to put him back together again. So he doesn't think about it and he doesn't talk about it. Hell, he rarely talks at all anymore; afraid of how weak his voice sounds now, afraid of how much of a kid he feels like.
He feels like he's four again. He's confused and upset and wants his entire family together again. His dad, his mom, everyone. He doesn't understand why everything he loves is either taken from him or leaves. He feels alone, like he felt when Sam left for college and John decided he should strike out on his own for a while. And he hates that feeling. He hates not having control over his life even though he knows he never had control to begin with.
They don't need you. Not like you need them.
Dean wishes he had died and John had been spared. He wishes the demon had killed him and John hadn't gotten control again because then he wouldn't have to deal with this weight on his shoulders; this feeling that he caused it. The feeling that he caused John's death. If the demon had killed him, maybe, just maybe, he would've let Sam and John go. After all, he said he was going to kill his family like Dean had killed his. Why not kill him instead?
So when Sam talks to him and tells him that everything is going to be okay, that they're going to get the demon that did this to them, he blocks it out because he doesn't want to be lied to. Something inside tells him that they're never going to find the demon and even if they do it'll kill them. It's never going to be okay; fate won't allow it to.
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