FicWad

Title: A B C
Summary: To learn the proper technique is useful and public spirited. (93 plus)
Disclaimer: /Saiyuuki Reload/, created by Minekura Kazuya, appears monthly in Zero-Sum Comics.
Note: Valentine's Day '04 fic: my belated thank you to Queasy for xmas fic.

He'd drawn the low card at the front desk. At Gokuu's crestfallen expression and Gojou's gleeful whoop of triumph, Sanzou had barely restrained his urge to instruct them both in right behavior on the spot.
"But they both smoke, so why can't they just always share?" Gokuu had whined.
"Ah, well," Hakkai had said, with his smile for all occasions, "the atmosphere with the two could reach toxic indoor levels, so perhaps it's for the best they're separated."
Not that Sanzou concerned himself with the enlightenment of others, but a few well-placed bullets might have proven a valuable lesson in nonattachment for all three of these idiots.
He accepted, with his usual exemplary grace, that neither peace nor quiet would be his for the night. Sanzou ground his teeth as the resounding slam, followed by the protesting creaks of the abused bed near the door, announced the return the evening's roommate. When nothing but the occasional mutter was heard for several long minutes, he glared over the top of his paper.
Gokuu was lying flat on this back, frowning at a book propped against his crossed leg. Normal people didn't read books sideways, however - not that Gokuu had ever qualified as normal.
"Well?" Sanzou demanded. "Did you get the credit card?"
"Hunh?" Gokuu looked up from the book. "Uh, yeah, sorry." He sat up and began to grope in his jeans pocket. "I've got it here somewhere. Hakkai said-"
"I don't care," Sanzou interrupted. He wasn't interested Hakkai's excuses for not returning it himself, so he changed the subject: "What the hell are you reading?"
"Wha?" Gokuu paused from his pocket search, with a blank expression. "Oh, it's a first aid book." Before Sanzou could stop him, the explanation tumbled out in an incoherent rush: "Well, that was what I started to say. They were laughing about something when I walked in, and Gojou said I didn't even have my first merit badge, whatever that means, and Hakkai said maybe it would help if I learned first aid - though I don't see what that has to do with it, either - so then he said I was too dumb so I had to hit him - that was Gojou - and then he said - Hakkai, I mean - that it would be really useful, so I asked if I could, like, learn first aid, right? and he gave me this book and said I needed to read it first, and I could ask you questions and demonstrate stuff, because that's how you teach it, and well," he shrugged, "that's what this is. And then I remembered about the card."
He waved the book, and looked at Sanzou uncertainly. "Anyway, it's useful. Hakkai says."
"Forget I asked." Whatever the hell was really going on over there, Sanzou didn't want to know.
"/Naa/, Sanzou. I don't get this is supposed to work. This one picture-"
"Don't ask me," he said, folding his paper. Those two idiots were up to something, and they could deal with the result themselves. He took off his glasses and pointedly crumpled his empty cigarette pack, ignoring Gokuu's hopeful look. "I'm going out."
"Oh. I wanted to ask you about this one word though," Gokuu said. "I could bring the book along."
"Alone," Sanzou informed him.
Gokuu sighed hugely. "But it says here you have to practice this first."
"Do what you want," Sanzou said, getting up, "just give me the card."
"Really? Thanks!"
For what? Sanzou wondered briefly. He crossed over to the bed, and extended an impatient hand.
Gokuu beamed up at him happily. "I mean, I guess I could wait til you get back," he said. "But it'll only take a minute, Sanzou. Promise." He leaned back and propped the open book against the wall.
"What will?" Sanzou never got to complete the thought; Gokuu grasped his wrist, tugged, and with a casual swipe of a leg, reversed their positions. Sanzou found himself neatly tipped over onto the bed so that Gokuu was now leaning over him.
"So first," Gokuu said, "you have to be on your back like this, Sanzou."
"Dammit, what the hell do you think you're doing?" Sanzou snarled, trying to rise.
The hand Gokuu had planted in the center of his chest didn't budge. "Well, like I said, you have to be down. It's that way in the picture."
Sanzou fought off an uncharacteristic flash of panic at this reminder that Gokuu, even with a limiter, was stronger than all of them. "Saru," he said slowly, "if you don't let me up right now, you're dead."
"No," said Gokuu, looking puzzled, "it's supposed to keep people alive." While Sanzou tried to figure out what that meant, Gokuu was looking up at his book. "Okay, first /airway/, so," he shoved a hand under Sanzou's neck and levered his head back. "Yeah, like that, so now . . ." He pinched Sanzou's nose shut with his other hand, ignoring his offended sputters.
"No, that can't be right, can it? I mean, how can you breathe with your nose shut?" Gokuu muttered, releasing Sanzou's accordingly.
"Bakazaru," Sanzou said, through clenched teeth, "breathing is about to be the least of your worries."
"C'mon, Sanzou, you said you'd help," Gokuu protested. "Anyway, you're not doing this right either." He glanced at the book again. Before Sanzou could respond, he'd pried open his mouth. "Yeah, like this. /Breathing/."
He plastered his own mouth over Sanzou's, and for a moment Sanzou achieved that vaunted state of No Thought.
"Mm," Gokuu said.
"Unngh!" Sanzou said, shoving at him without success. Stupid monkey, he thought faintly, even he knew that you weren't supposed to use your tongue.
"Haaa!" Gokuu gasped, breaking away with a sloppy trail of drool far too many minutes later. "Haaa, Sanzou, this, this doesn't seem like it'd help breathing . . ."
"You, you idiot," Sanzou said, angry to feel his own face was as flushed as Gokuu's. "That's not --"
"Wait . . . yeah, maybe it needs that, that circulation part," Gokuu panted, not listening. He was peering at the drawing in the book again. "But I still don't see why you give people a massage," he muttered. "And how can you use two hands like that when you need one to keep them from getting away?"
Apparently the word Gokuu hadn't recognized was /unconscious/, Sanzou thought grimly, but a wise man wouldn't explain that under the circumstances. "Dammit, saru, enough is enough - I don't need to be resuscitated!"
"Don't worry, Sanzou," Gokuu assured him, "it's in a first aid book, so it's perfectly safe."
Not a damn thing perfectly safe about it, Sanzou thought, as Gokuu's mouth plastered itself over his again. Then he felt Gokuu's hand fumbling into the top of his robe. His attempt to halt that gesture died abruptly as Gokuu's palm groped its way down his chest, apparently trying to figure out where his heart was. As Gokuu's fingers brushed over a stiff nipple, Sanzou's entire body jerked.
Gokuu, interpreting the response to mean 'correct procedure,' applied himself conscientiously to reproducing it.
Sanzou groaned. In the back of his mind, a voice was droning old lectures: Sensuality should be known, for cessation only came with comprehension - and so, it tacked on chirpily, wasn't this ideal? Fuck off, he snapped at it. One man with a torch cannot boil away the river, Sanzou reminded himself; one idiot monkey cannot unsettle a life of training in right concentration.
Not even this idiot monkey. He champed down on Gokuu's tongue. The moment he pulled back, Sanzou used the hand that had somehow become buried in Gokuu's hair to wrench his head backward, hard.
"Yow!" Gokuu rocked back on his heels and landed on the floor with a thud. He rubbed his head and looked up at Sanzou with a wounded expression. "Sanzooou, what, what was that for?" he said plaintively. "I was starting to get the hang of it."
Patience, Sanzou thought sternly. He swung his legs over the side of the bed, and Gokuu scrambled out of the way. Patience. And mindfulness. And resolve. And fucking /compassion/.
The fan descended. Gokuu yelped.
"Credit card," Sanzou said.
Gokuu dug into his back pockets; after last locating the elusive card, he offered it up meekly. Sanzou snatched it out of his hand and stalked off to the door, stiffly yanking his robe back into place.
"Sanzou?" Gokuu said.
"Saru, now's not the time to press your luck," Sanzou warned him.
"It's, it's just, I dunno, but, " he said hesitantly. "your heartbeat felt like it was really uneven. Maybe we should get Hakkai?"
Sanzou silenced him with a level stare. Hakkai. That hazy recollection of the conversation Gokuu had related from the next room shifted into crystal clear focus.
"No, that won't be necessary," Sanzou said. Hakkai enjoyed educational opportunities; Sanzou was convinced that it would be mindful and generous to provide him with an opportunity to teach. "Where's Gojou?"
"Hunh?" Gokuu blinked at the non sequitur. "He went down to the bar."
"You weren't 'getting the hang of it,'" Sanzou said, "but you'll need an expert to explain why. Go demonstrate for Hakkai. In exactly the same way. So that he can show you where you're going wrong."
Gokuu looked at him askance. "But he's probably already asleep."
So much the better. Sanzou opened the door. "Now!" he barked.
"Uh, going!" Gokuu fled past him into the hall.
As Sanzou descended the stairs, he did not hear that startled shout behind him on the floor he'd just left, and knew nothing about any medical molestation that might be occurring there. He thumbed off the safety. Since Gokuu had expressed an interest, Sanzou felt it was only right to ensure he got more first-aid practice. And they carried his brand down in the bar.

Not queasy's favorite pairing, but it had been sitting on the harddrive, so I finished it and posted it, the end. I categorized it as "horror/spiritual" on ffnet, which led to a few people overanalyzing my motives. Answer: I did it 'cause it was funny.