Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > This Is What It Means To Fall

17- Things You Don't Know

by kaydom 2 reviews

My heart felt cold, beating quickly within my chest.

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: R - Genres: Drama,Romance - Published: 2012-02-02 - Updated: 2012-02-03 - 2198 words

Brendon's laugh echoed through my ears as I lazily traced shapes of stars on the table in front of me, my food pushed forward slightly. I hadn't eaten a thing. I wasn't hungry. Once the shock of being woken up had settled I found myself worrying about Anne. I hadn't even checked on her before I left. What if he had already done something? He couldn't of. No way. As I glanced at him he smiled. I found myself hating the smile that made me like him. He was a monster, nicely dressed. Everything he made me feel... It wasn't fair. I was caving. Right before my own eyes I was caving. Earlier I had kissed him, he hadn't made me. We had sex; I enjoyed it. He wasn't forcing me anymore... I was just with him. I had become his of my own volition.

Another smile. Another smile and he was breaking in to my heart once again. How could I allow this? How could I be so stupid? Numbly, I realized he made me feel things that Pierre had never been able to make me feel. Even when I was terrified I still felt more than terror and that alone made me realize that if things with Brendon had been different, if I had gotten to know him in a different way, I would probably have fallen in love. Was I in love? Sometimes I thought so. It was harder to tell than one would think.

"Hey Juliette, have you ever gone to one of our concerts?" Jon asked, smiling.

Spencer rolled his eyes, "That's probably where they met Jon."

Ryan seemed to be scrutinizing me. "You don't seem like the type to be in to our music."

"Why's that?" I asked, confused. "I've never been to a show but I do listen to your music."

Ryan shrugged, "I don't know. You seem sane."

I rolled my eyes, "That's nice to say about fans, insinuating they aren't sane. Either a knock towards fans... or your music... or both." I was starting to get confused.

Ryan grinned. "Sanity isn't always a good thing. I prefer a little insanity instead."

"Are you going to eat?" Brendon asked, attempting to ask quietly but it was loud enough for everyone at the table to hear.

I shrugged, "I'm not really hungry."

Brendon nodded and took a fry off of my plate as he turned his conversation to the girl beside him. I think her name was Lila. I don't know why but I got incredibly angry as he laughed at something she said. They had been talking since we had sat down. Why was that bugging me? I couldn't explain it. I didn't want to either because I knew the explanation would make me feel terrible.

Veronica had been staring at me without my notice but she suddenly spoke to me. "Juli, do you mind if I call you that?"

I shrugged, "Call me whatever you'd like." I really wasn't all that picky.

"Juli, wanna go to the bathroom with me?" The entire table looked at us in confusion. Why was she asking me to go to the bathroom with her? She stood so I awkwardly stood as well, catching the worried glance Brendon shot us. That was enough to make me go with her.

It wasn't until the bathroom door closed behind us that she spoke. "Do you have an eating disorder?" She asked, looking concerned.

"Uh, no." I replied, awkwardly. I ate quite a lot. Well, maybe not lately but... I had reason for that.

"You haven't touched a thing. I used to have anorexia." Veronica explained, "I used to act like you. I'd push the food away, pretend not to be hungry... not touch a single item of food. It's hard, I understand but you're so beautiful Juli... It messes with everything about your body. It's really unhealthy. I've seen Brendon staring at you, he's really quite taken... You don't have to starve yourself to impress him." Finally her long winded rant ended.

"I'm really not anorexic!' I said, fidgeting. "There has just been... a lot going on." God, how could I explain this? "I just don't eat a lot when I'm under stress."

Veronica still looked worried but she slowly nodded, "Later before we leave will you eat just one thing for me?" She didn't believe a word I was saying.

I nodded, not speaking. What was the point when she didn't believe me?

Finally after what seemed like forever we left the bathroom together and re-joined the table. Brendon squeezed my hand and gave me a meaningful glance. I brushed him off. I wasn't in the mood for any of this anymore. Who thought a night out could be so terrible? My captor was flirting with his friend's date, another of his friend's dates accused me of being anorexic, and now I felt somewhat naseous.

Brendon's hand slowly moved upwards on my thigh until I snapped, "Don't touch me!" Quite loudly. I had meant for it to be a whisper.

Brendon's hand jerked away and he stared at me with a hurt expression covering his face. His friends all attempted to cover their looks of shock. "Juliette, can I talk to you for a second?" Brendon asked, quietly.

I stared him straight in the eyes and asked calmly, "About what?"

"Somewhere more private?" Brendon asked.

"I'd rather not." I said, coldly. The looks his friends were giving me made me feel so much worse than I should've. They didn't know a damn thing about me. Chances were... They didn't even know the real Brendon, the monster inside of him. So what if I looked like a bitch? So what if I would be covered in bruises later for this? It would just prove my point; Brendon was incapable of having a romantic relationship. He was incapable of getting angry without hurting me.

Brendon nodded and scooted away from me slightly. Silence fell upon the entire table until Veronica leaned over and whispered something to Ryan. Jon started talking finally, "So, what about this bowling?" No one sounded very excited.

I stood, "I'm going to get another water." I said. Brendon stood as well. "Please don't follow me." He nodded and sat down, a frown across his face. At least around his friends he listened to me. That was the tiny upside of this night. My monster had to keep himself hidden.

I approached the counter and found myself staring aimlessly in to a display case after turning down service from the man behind the counter. I didn't actually want more water. I just needed to breath. I could barely stand being at that table with all of those people. They weren't my friends. They were Brendon's friends. I was no longer a part of society. I was Brendon's captive.

"You know he's a really good guy. You shouldn't treat him like that." Came from the voice behind me.

I turned around instantly, finding myself face to face with Ryan. Anger took hold of my emotions and I found myself verbally lashing out at Ryan. "Don't tell me how to treat Brendon. You don't know anything about our relationship or what I've been through with him!"

"I don't care to know." Ryan said coldly, "You have no idea how hard life is for him after everything he's been through. He doesn't deserve someone like you, making things worse for him."

"Enlighten me. Why is life so much harder for Brendon?" I asked, not really caring to hear the answer... until I heard it.

"My parents adopted Brendon when he was 12." Ryan said, his voice laced with disgust towards me. "His parents and his younger sister were brutally murdered in front of him. He almost died but you know what? The sick bastards thought it would be a lot more fun to let him live, forever haunted by what had happened. He's always blamed himself. He's never been the same. 12 years old and he lost everything."

My heart felt cold, beating quickly within my chest. I grasped at the possibilities of what this could mean. Was that why Brendon was so fucked up? Was that why Brendon had stolen Anne's life and my own life? I didn't understand it but... the horror of what he must have gone through ran through my mind and...

Before I could stop myself I doubled over right in front of Ryan, violently vomiting what little food I had in my stomach. As I dry heaved in front of everyone in the crowded bowling alley I felt my hair being pulled back and as I wiped my mouth clean I looked up to see Brendon standing next to me, concern etched in to his features. "I didn't know you were feeling sick." Brendon mumbled as a disgruntled employee hurried over with a mop bucket.

Tears began to fill my eyes as I pulled away from Brendon, wiping my mouth off once again. "I need... to go to the bathroom." I said, hurriedly rushing to the bathroom. I didn't realize that Veronica had followed me.

I was washing my face when I saw her come in behind me. I turned quickly and shouted, louder than I meant to. "I'm not bulimic!"

Her face went red and she shook her head, "No, no... I'm sorry. I get now that you're stressed. Problems with Brendon?" She asked, sounding worried. She set her purse on the counter and handed me a tiny bottle of mouthwash. "It's yours." She added.

"Thank you." I whispered, quickly taking a gulp and swishing it. Once I spit it out I sighed and closed my eyes, "Things just arent easy right now." That was an understatement.

Veronica nodded and pulled a piece of paper from her purse. She quickly jotted down her number. "Here, this is my number. Call me anytime." She said.

I smiled at her and nodded, "Thank you." Was all I could say.

As we left the bathroom together I didn't know what to do. I couldn't keep switching between hot and cold; I was reminding myself of Brendon. I couldn't just hate him though. Ryan's words were burned in to my head and I knew they'd never leave. I would forever be haunted by the knowledge, until the day I died. I was haunted by the fact that I may not be alive much longer.

Brendon's arms wrapped around my waist as I joined him and his friends, who were all standing near a table. "Ready to bowl?" Brendon asked, a huge smile on his face. I could tell it was fake. He still looked upset. I couldn't blame him. I had been a bitch.

"I've never bowled before but sure." I said, watching as faces of disbelief stared at me.

"You've never bowled?" Jon finally asked. He shook his head, "Way to show her a good time Brendon!" He grabbed my hand and quickly pulled me towards a lane. I noticed that everyone had gotten their shoes except for me and Veronica. She slowly leaned towards me, "I hate the shoes here. Usually they don't notice when you don't wear their shoes though so we should be good."

Jon tugged on my arm again, "I'm first! Watch me Juliette!" He said, excitedly. He grabbed a ball and walked towards the lane. I watched, resisting the urge to turn and stare at Brendon. I must have missed some special move though because soon enough Jon was throwing the ball down the lane, knocking down the pins at the end. He hollered in happiness and I felt my confidence sink. Everything that looked easy usually wasn't.

Brendon moved forward, "Me next!" I watched his elegant movements as he picked up his bowling ball and moved forward. The crash at the end of the lane pleased me slightly as I saw that he had gotten every single pin at the end, one more than Jon. Jon groaned as Brendon smiled at me, winking.

I stepped forward, "Good job." I told him. His hand connected with mine and he began pulling me forward, much to my dislike. I shook my head as he positioned my hand on the ball and had me lift it. "I'll show you." He whispered sweetly in my ear.

As Brendon's hands closed upon my wrists and his body pressed against mine I couldn't help it... I let out a moan as I closed my eyes. The bowling ball fell from my hands and his friends all stared at us in shock. "I-I..." I nervously sputtered as my ball went in to the gutter, along with my mind. "Brendon..." I turned around and caught his mouth with my own, my hands going through his hair.

Once I pulled away there was a smile firmly placed upon Brendon's face and he chuckled, "I guess I was too quick earlier." He whispered, low enough so that only I could hear. "We can get a motel room tonight if you'd like." He whispered, suggestively. "I hear that new places breed excitement."

I bit my lip and nodded, "I'd like that." I whispered, wanting- no scratch that- needing Brendon.
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