FicWad

Fucking hell, this chapter is over 5,300 words long! That is how much I love you guys, because seriously, I would never have thought I would have enough patience to write all this. Anyway, Title by The Used, courtesy of Olivia (my best friend and the character who features in this story) Anyway, R&R like always, please!:)


UPDATE: could you guys read my Panic! fic? it would make me very happy as I need some ideas for it. (I have no idea what's going on in it, if I'm honest:L Thank you very much! http://ficwad.com/story/182092



This chapter is a fucking bombshell, get ready for it guys.



My breath caught in my throat, hitching, making me choke. I stared at my own reflection, staring so hard I could see the trepidation in my very own eyes. This was it. This was the day.

I wasn’t entirely sure why I was getting so het up about Frank’s birthday.

Surprisingly, telling Mikey about the fact that we had all been invited to his party wasn’t all that bad. Turns out he had invited all the others anyway, and the fact that he had asked us if we wanted to go was just a bonus. He did, however, ask me when Frank had asked me to go, and why I was going when I couldn’t stand people touching me. It was a good point really, and I wasn’t even sure myself. I had garbled out a lie about how he had asked me when we were both in the bathroom one time, and that I was going because I felt I should socialize a bit more. Or something to that effect.

But anyway, Mikey had believed me, and there I was, standing in front of the mirror, shakily applying eyeliner to my hazel eyes. I finished, and the stepped back, surveying my whole reflection in the mirror. Black jeans, black button up shirt, fake blood dribbling down the side of my face. Yeah, I was going as a vampire, I wasn’t the most imaginative. What had made it even more embarrassing was earlier when my mother had bought unimaginably pale foundation for me to wear to the party and make me look more, well, dead, only to find that my complexion was actually the same shade. Mum then tried it on Mikey, and it was about fifty whole shades too pale for him. Yeah, fucking hell.

I didn’t like to admit it, but I was kind of getting into the whole fancy dress thing. People at school had been talking about the party for weeks, and I was kind of looking forward to it. Kind of looking forward to it, and at the same time I was fucking terrified.

Getting Mikey to dress up had been a challenge, he didn’t particularly want to, but he had done so for Olivia, since the two of them were going out. They had been together for well over a month now, and Mikey was getting twitchy because he still hadn't seen Olivia’s house. I was getting twitchy for him; I couldn’t understand why Olivia would want my caring, calm, polite brother round her house. At first I pushed Mikey away, saying it was probably just a couple of family problems, but who was I to know?

Still, it was obvious that she liked him. The time I saw them together she looked so undeniably happy. And she always wanted to stay round our house after school as long as humanly possible, every weekend the two would be out till late. It was kind of cute.

But mostly it just made me feel even more alone.

Which was why I was going to the party- so I didn’t feel as broken. So I could communicate and pretend I was normal instead of skulking in the shadows like a forgotten myth.

“Mikey? You ready?” I called up, carefully looking at myself in the mirror, to make sure that absolutely everything was perfect. Or as perfect as a messed up piece of shit like me could be. My hair had grown slightly now, but I still wasn’t particularly happy with it. It was at the stage where it was just long enough to brush in my eyes and it was kinda pissing me off.

Mikey’s voice floated back down to me. “Yeah! Just finishing straightening my hair!” I groaned slightly. Mikey straightening his hair could sometimes take up to half an hour. “Well, we’re going in five so get a fucking move on!” I shouted again hearing the faint noise of understanding drift into my ears.

*

So here I was, in front of Frank Iero’s house. Frank fucking Iero’s house. I had never been here before, despite Frank seeing mine twice, and I was kind of expecting it to be small and contained, kind of like he was.

It wasn’t.

It was fucking huge, you could fit four versions of the apartment Mikey and I lived in into there. No wonder he was popular, if his parents really were never in, then this was the best house for parties.

Not that I really cared about them, oh no.

The house itself was contained behind a hedge, with a path leading up to the garage, but once you got past the thick layer of branches, the sound of Michael Jackson’s Thriller and random flashing lights came into view. Already the party was in full swing, with people dancing in the windows of the house, beer bottles in hand.

This looked to be a pretty uncomfortable evening for me.

Mikey and I stepped up the stairs leading to the front door, Mikey knocking on the front only for it to swing open to show Frank, fully decked out in a devil’s costume.

Frank looked fucking hot. He had on tight red skinnies, and an equally tight red t-shirt. His eyes were rimmed in crimson eyeliner, and perched on the top of his head was a pair of sparkly scarlet horns.

“Happy birthday!” we both chorused uncomfortably, not entirely sure what we should do next.

“Hey! You came! Thanks guys! Come on in! Booze is at the back of the house, and leave your shit in the cupboard at the front.” Frank was obviously slightly tipsy, but he wasn’t drunk enough yet for his speech to slur. Mikey took my coat and his own, hanging them up in the small room Frank indicated with a twitch of his arm. “Nice costume Gee.” Frank giggled, and I flushed at the use of the nickname. Well, that and the fact that Frank just looked so damn fine.

“Hey, Mikey boy!” shouted a voice, and I jerked my gaze away from Frank to see Olivia clad in a wonder woman costume; her blue hair kind of ruining the effect she was gong for. Judging from the way Mikey was gaping at her, he obviously thought she looked pretty sexy. Wonder woman had always been a favourite of Mikey’s.

Mikey smiled widely, patted me vaguely on the cheek, then left with Olivia, probably to find the alcohol Frank had spoken about. Frank looked at me again, his eyes looking huge, and then he smiled and said “If you need anything, come find me. Have fun!” Before he too turned and disappeared into one of the many rooms that lined the hallway, leaving me standing there awkwardly.

Well, I guessed I should probably do that thing people call ‘socializing.’

I made my way into the room Frank had entered, and found myself in a massive living room absolutely filled with grinding, sweating bodies, undulating together in a way that some people might have found sexy, but I just thought made everyone look cheap. The fact that everyone was wearing fancy dress (which for the girls meant very little at all) didn’t help the fact that the image just looked trashy. Oh eugh.

I inched my way round the outside, until I found a table at the far back of the room groaning under the weight of alcoholic beverages. Jesus Christ, how the fuck could Frank get so much booze when he was underage? My silent question was answered when a group of guys swaggered up to the table, at least five years older than Frank himself. Obviously he had connections. Huh, it figured.

I reached for a cup, and then poured myself a cup of some drink. I wasn’t entirely sure what the drink actually was. All I knew was that it was a funny colour, it tasted what I thought rat’s piss would taste like, and it burned my throat like hell. I shuddered slightly, then immediately lifted the cup again and swallowed another mouthful. I figured with this many people around; alcohol was the only way I could relax even slightly.

After I had consumed a couple of cups, and my head was buzzing slightly, I stood at the edge of the room, and just watched the party. Every one was having fun, dancing to the trashy music blasting out of the huge stereo in the corner. Anyone who wasn’t dancing was sat on the sofas, either trying to kiss their partner to death, or taking part in what looked like mass weed smoking. I didn’t want to join in with anything that was going on, because I was unsociable, and while I smoked, I didn’t particularly want to try weed. So I just stood there and watched the party happen around me, not trying to take part. I didn’t talk to anyone, nor did anyone try to make conversation with me.

At least no-one did until a familiar face popped into my view of the room. It was Brendon, dressed in what appeared to be a ring leader’s costume, complete with a red jacket, and he smiled. “Hi there Gerard!” He said. I was surprised; I didn’t even know he knew my name. It wasn’t like I talked to him that often, and I wasn’t exactly Mr. Popular. Brendon was the kind of person I didn’t think I would ever completely figure out. He was attractive, sure. I wanted his eyes so fucking much, but he wasn’t superficial like most people at this goddamn party. Sure he could say stupid things sometimes, and he was never fucking still but I thought he was more intelligent than he let on.

“Hey Brendon, what’s up?” Brendon was jiggling up and down on his toes, his face a mask of uncertainty and confusion. I wondered what was going on. Had something happened to him? And if so, why would he come to me?

“Err… could I talk to you for a second? Like, I need help with something, and you seem like a good guy, and I need help…” It was pretty unexpected, and I let out a tiny squeak of surprise. Brendon may have been pissed, and possibly even slightly stoned, but he just rolled his eyes and beckoned me to follow him. I rocked on my heels for a moment, wondering if I should follow him. I didn’t know what he wanted. Then decided fuck it and placed my now empty drinks cup on the floor, making my way after him. I weaved through the crowd of drunken teenagers, making sure that absolutely no-one touched me.

We ended up in a bathroom, since that seemed to be the only unoccupied space at that very moment. It was a bit uncomfortable, but I just perched on the closed toilet lid and waited for Brendon to spill what he was so confused about. Brendon paced the room for a couple of seconds and then he leant forward until his face was level with mine.

“I have a problem.” He stated. I waited for him to continue, and when he didn’t I sighed.

“What is your problem, Brendon?” I asked, shuffling slightly to get away from Brendon. It wasn’t that he smelt bad (he actually smelt quite good) but he was just sitting way too damn close for my liking.

“You hang out with Ryan, right? Ryan Ross?” I nodded. He was a really nice guy, I liked him. And he could play the guitar like a fiend, so I just thought he was really cool. I wanted to be able to play the guitar like that, I really did, but I sucked so fucking bad. “Well, the thing is, is that I like him. Like, really like him. Like, ‘oh my fucking god, that guy is just the cuteness of cute, I want to marry him’ kind of like. I can't stop fucking thinking about him, you know? He’s just so awesome. What should I do Gerard?”

Well, whatever I had been expecting, it certainly hadn't been that.

“Well… Uhh… Tell him you like him? I mean, he’s not gonna know until you ask…” Why the fuck did people keep coming to me for relationship advice? Couldn’t they see that I was just an anti-social twat who’d never been on a date? Jesus. “Plus,” I added, just to make Brendon feel better, “I’m pretty sure Ryan is into guys, so give it a shot! You never know!” Another lie, said by me, Gerard Arthur Way.

Brendon’s face brightened. “He does?” he exclaimed excitedly. “That’s great! I’ll go and tell him now!” And with that, Brendon blew a kiss at me, then stood up, unlocked the door, and ran out, leaving me sitting there bemused. He was still as elusive to me as he had been before we had had that conversation, but I now knew he was gay, or at the very least bisexual. Who knew?

I decided; that since I was again on my own, I would get another drink. I made my way out of the bathroom, and into the living room again, where I could see that everybody was obviously drunker than when I had been there last. A couple were lying on the long leather sofa that was pushed next to the wall, and they were making out like there was no tomorrow. Another girl was passed out in a corner, and two guys were looking close to the state of unconsciousness. I edged around the side of the room, wondering why the fuck I was at this party. I hated people, and that’s basically what parties consisted of.

I thought it just went to show how little I actually socialised with people at this school. Looking around the room, I felt bad realising that although most of these people probably went to my school, I barely knew any of them. Great. I poured myself another cup of unidentifiable liquid gulping it down quickly and pouring another, and then went in search of the people that I did know.

After about ten minutes of aimlessly wandering around Frank's massive house, I had come across Jon and Spencer, dancing with two very attractive girls, both wearing very little. I had no idea who the girls were, or why Jon and Spencer were dancing with them, but they appeared to be having a good time. They both noticed me, and grinned, giving me the thumbs up as they continued to dance, grinding against the two females. I didn’t return the gesture.

The truth was, the heat and the lights and the sounds were getting to me. The amount of bodies that were in the various rooms were starting to overwhelm me, and the amount of alcohol I had consumed wasn’t enough to keep down the crippling paranoia that I felt whenever I was around too many people. It was getting hard to breathe, and I slumped down in a corner, curling in on myself and trying to relax my body.

I just wanted to go the fuck home.

But going home, meant that I would have to make my way through the crowd of people again, and I was one hundred percent sure that I was unable to do that. So I just sat there, my head tucked into my knees, my body jerking and shaking uncontrollably.

I didn’t want to be like this. I didn’t want to be a freak who couldn’t handle the feel f skin upon mine; I just wanted to be normal. But I was too messed up for normal to apply to me.

“Hey… Hey Gerard. Are you okay?” I lifted my head to the sound of the voice and was met with a vision in scarlet. I was unable even to reply to his question coherently, so I just whimpered and dropped my head back into my hands again, trying not to shake too obviously.

“Come on Gerard. Let’s get you someplace quiet, where you can relax. Maybe I shouldn’t have invited you to the party.” Frank’s voice sounded sincere, and I really needed to get the fuck out of this room before I had a full scale panic attack, so I just slowly uncurled myself, and got to my feet, shuddering and trembling all over. I had done this so often that I knew it was impossible to try and get my muscles to stop the movement, so I just let it happen.

Frank stood in front of me, his eyes laced with concern and he beckoned me forward, without touching me. I was happy about that. “Come on.” He said, turning and beginning to walk through the edge of the crowd, pulling anyone out of the way who might touch me. He was too good for me. I followed close behind, flinching when anyone got too close.

We ended by a door which led into a room I hadn't explored yet. Frank coughed and looked at me, setting his beer down on the floor outside the door. “This is my room.” He said quietly, before pushing open the door.

What we saw when the door fully opened was pretty unexpected.

Ryan and Brendon were on Frank’s bed, both completely naked and kissing each other like there were no tomorrow, their lips moving sloppily over each others. Their legs were intertwined, and both were grinding against each other. I gasped and turned away, seeing people I associated at school completely nude making things really uncomfortable. It was obvious that both of them were drunk, but not drunk enough that they weren’t aroused. Oh shit, I thought to myself, clenching my eyelids together in the hope that the image could possibly be burned out of my skull.

“What the FUCK?!” Frank’s voice came from next to me effectively breaking the two apart.

“Frank?” I heard Brendon say, his voice full of fear and confusion. “Oh shit, I'm sorry…” I slowly cracked open my eyes to see the two of them scrabbling around Frank’s room search of their discarded clothes, tugging on each garment. It was obvious that both of them were still hard, but they looked so embarrassed that they were ignoring that fact for the time being. Well, Brendon had said to me that he really like Ryan, so it was bound to happen. Next to me Frank seemed to have the same idea so Brendon had probably told him about his crush, but what Frank wasn’t expecting was the two of them to be near fucking in his own room.

“Brendon, what the actual fuck? You knew I didn’t want anyone in my room. And it’s Ryan, right? Jesus Christ. Just get the fuck out. I’ll talk with you later Brendon. And if you want to fuck, go find the basement or something, Jesus.” Brendon was apologizing profusely to Frank, saying that it wouldn’t happen again, whilst Ryan just stood there, his t-shirt inside out and hair mussed, as if he wasn’t completely sure what had just happened to him. His face was covered in smeared make-up, but from what I could make out it had been a lot of red eye-shadow with black eye-liner branching out from his eyes and over his cheekbones. The red of the eye-shadow made Ryan's already startling eyes more prominent, and the eye-liner drew my eyes to his facial features like nothing before. I wish I had seen it before Brendon had fucked it up, because I bet it would have looked so amazing.

“Ryan?” I asked tentatively. “Are you okay?” Ryan’s eyes snapped up to meet mine, and I could see in his eyes that although he may be slightly drunk, he actually genuinely cared about Brendon. I wondered why he had never said anything about it before. As far as I was aware, not even Spencer, Ryan’s best friend, knew about this.

It was funny how these things happened.

Ryan nodded at me, and he then gave a tiny grin while his eyes rested on Brendon’s figure that said it all.

Frank stepped away from the doorway and let the two of them pass; Brendon’s cheeks heated up until he looked a little like a tomato. I watched the two of them walk back down the stairs to where the main party was, noting the fact that they were both gripping each other’s hands tightly, fingers intertwined as if nothing could break them apart.

“Well.” Said Frank from beside me, looking slightly dazed. I jerked my eyes back to his. “I wasn’t fucking expecting that. Fucking Brendon.” The words he used sounded harsh, but there was an almost caring tone to his voice. Frank shook himself. “Do you… do you want to go inside?”

I nodded, although I was pretty sure that seeing the two naked had shocked me right out of my paranoia and stepped through the door, leaving the bed well alone. Frank looked in disgust at the covers. “Ugh. I'm gonna have to fucking change them now! Need a lock on my room or something. D’you want to sit on the floor?” I nodded again, and knelt on the floor; drawing my knees up to my chest again as Frank settled down next to me.

Now that the moment had passed, I gave myself a chance to look properly at Frank’s bedroom.

It was big, far bigger than mine, but most of it was taken up by the bed that stood proud in the middle of the room, and a desk covered in pieces of scrap paper and discarded clothing. The walls I was pretty sure were just a plain cream colour, but they were so covered in posters that it was actually kind of hard to tell. In the corner of the room, next to the table and underneath the window was an electric guitar, amp positioned next to it. I figured that this was the guitar Frank had bought the new string for last month and I smiled. Frank just sat there and looked at the floor while I studied his room.

Wanting to look at his posters in more detail, I stood up again, and made my way to the walls. His posters seemed to be mainly based on his music taste, which I had no issues with, and I continued to study them until I came across a piece of paper. It looked as if it had once been crumpled up, but then lovingly straightened out by Frank’s own hand, and it also looked like it was covered in drawings.

More importantly, my drawings.

A soft gasp escaped my lips, causing Frank’s head to snap up. “Oh… shit.” He mumbled, scrambling up off the floor as he realised what I was looking at.

“Frank… why the fuck do you have my shitty drawings on your wall?” I so confused. Why keep these drawings? They were just figments of my messed up imagination, and they weren’t even that good. I had drawn them during chemistry class for god's sake.

“They aren’t shit! They’re amazing! I fucking love them!” Frank blurted, before shutting his mouth abruptly and looking a little sheepish.

I just stared at him. The only people who had really seen my drawings before were Mikey, and my art teacher. I always dismissed their compliments because Mikey was my brother, therefore he felt he had to say nice things about my drawings; and Mrs Williams said nice things about everyone’s drawings, even if they looked like dog crap. “Really?”

Frank nodded eagerly. “Yeah, I love them. Zombies are the fucking bomb man.”

A small swirl of emotion passed through me, and I loved it. It was pride in my own work, and I had never felt it before. I was suddenly just so infinitely happy that someone liked my drawings.

“Could you draw something else for me someday?” Frank's voice was tentative. My eyes widened. “You actually like them that much?”

Frank just nodded.

I smiled then, and I didn’t think I had smiled that wide in years. Frank stared at me, his eyes crinkling and his own grin inching across his face. “Thank you.” I said reverently. “Thank you.” Frank just shrugged.

“Only telling the truth, man. Your drawings are amazing, and you only spent, like ten minutes on them. Fuck I sound so poncy and shit, ugh.”

I didn’t care about how horrible Frank was to other people right then, or how Mikey told me to stay away from him, I thought that at that moment he was the best person ever.

Tentatively, I stepped forward. I knew I was taking a massive risk, but I wanted this. I wanted to show my gratitude to his words. I wanted to feel Frank. I shakily held out my arms, and Frank’s eyes widened, so much so that I thought his eyeballs were going to pop out of his head at any moment. Then, he smiled even wider, and slowly stepped into my arms, leaving them to curl themselves loosely around him. Frank wrapped his arms around me, and rested his head on my shoulder, his nose in the dip of my collarbone.

I had never felt so happy before this moment.

I was hugging someone. Hugging them. And I wasn’t freaking out. I was enjoying it. Frank’s black hair was in my face, and I inhaled. His hair smelt fucking divine. My arms tightened around Frank, and I felt him reciprocate the reaction, and I felt him smile against my shoulder. Both of us were completely relaxed and at ease. It was the perfect moment, and I wanted to bask in it forever.

Of course, nothing I ever wanted happened to me.

The door slammed open, making me jump guiltily out of Frank's embrace. I turned around to see Mikey, his hair wild and his glasses askew, make-up smeared over his face. In fact, it looked like Mikey was pretty upset over something. And… Were those tears?

“What the fuck?” he said, glancing from me to Frank, who was still standing pretty close to me. “Gerard, what the actual fuck? I told you to fucking stay away from him. I knew we shouldn’t have come here. Come on, we’re going.” Frank's eyes narrowed.

“Don’t fucking talk to him like that. And why the fuck should he stay away from me?”

I cringed. This wasn’t going to end well, and I knew it.

“Because you're a fucking cunt who hurts people for fun! Can't you fucking see that he’s broken? I don’t fucking need you messing him up any further, you ignorant twat. Get the fuck away from him. Now.”

I whimpered. Mikey was never normally like this. He looked fucking evil, with his hair all over his face, and his eyes pink and swollen. He looked manic, and the brief period of happiness that I had felt was lost. He just reminded me of them. I clutched my arms to my sides and moaned again, sliding down against the wall until I was sitting on the floor.

Frank stepped forward and stood so he was right in Mikey’s face, his stance menacing. “Look! Look what you’ve done to your own fucking brother.”

“I haven’t done anything to him! It wasn’t my fault, it was theirs!”

Frank looked desperate, his eyes wild and confused.

“Whose fault? What the fuck?”

“Frank, he was fucking raped!”


My head jerked up. Frank was standing there, mouth open in shock.

Frank wasn’t supposed to know. No-one was. Silence descended over the three of us, until all that could be hear was the heavy bass line of the song playing downstairs.

“Mikey. How could you?” Although the words came out of my own lips, they sounded foreign and unnatural.

I couldn’t believe that my biggest secret had just been let out by my own fucking brother, who I trusted more than anyone else on this planet.

This was the final straw. I couldn’t take it anymore. The only thing that kept me on this earth had just gone and blurted it all out, leaving me standing there, tears prickling my eyes.

Frank glanced from me to Mikey. He could see how much Mikey’s words had affected me, and his fist balled up in anger. Mikey just looked grim. It looked like he had meant to say that. Meant to spew out the thing that defined me like it was nothing. At that moment, I had never hated my brother more. He wasn’t looking out for me, he was destroying me. And it hurt so much more than when they had damaged me.

“Can't you see? This is why you should fucking stay away from him. You’ll just hurt him, because that’s what idiots like you do, and he’s had enough of that already. You utter cunt.” Mikey spat the words out at Frank, his face twisted.

Frank didn’t even hesitate. His fist swung out, catching Mikey square on the nose, causing him to stumble back, clutching at his face. Blood began to seep out from between my own brother’s fingers. Before Mikey could react, Frank punched him again, this time in the stomach, causing him to double up in pain.

I let out a strangled yelp. I knew how much getting punched in the face and the stomach hurt. And as much as I hated Mikey in that moment, I also loved him, and seeing him hurt was painful for me.

Frank stared down at his now limp hand, as if he couldn’t believe that he had done such a thing. Then he gradually raised his head and stared at me. The emotions in his eyes were roiling around. There were so many I couldn’t decipher what the fuck was going on in his head. Regret? Anger?

“I’m so sorry. I didn’t know.” He whispered. He then took a step forward and reached his hand out as if to help me up. I flinched backwards, tears now running down my face. As horribly as Mikey might have put it, he was right. All Frank was good at was hurting people. And he would hurt me just like he hurt Mikey.

I wished I could stop shaking.

“Gerard. Gerard, please.” Frank tried to speak to me again, but I shook my head, still staring at the drops of blood spattering the floor. I had seen too much blood in my life. Far too much.

The memories.

The sounds.

The sights.

“Gerard…” Mikey was talking now, and he stretched out his hand towards me, other hand still firmly planted on his nose.

“Get away from me!” I cried, talking to them as much as I was talking to the men in my head. The ones who had started this all off. The ones who had raped me.

“Gerard… Gerard wait!” Fuck no. I wasn’t waiting for them to get me again.

I jumped up off the floor, adrenaline running through my veins at break neck speed. I dodged past Frank, and then Mikey, both clawing ineffectually at my clothing in an attempt to make me stay, and then raced down the stairs to where the party was still going on.

No-one noticed me as I yanked open the front door and ran off into the dark. I hadn't even bothered to get my coat, and the late October air bit at my skin, clawing it till my arms and face were numb. I kept running, further and further away from it all. From Mikey, from Frank, from them. Because running was all I could do now.

I didn’t know where I was, where I was going, or where I needed to go.

I just needed to get away.

I only stopped running when the recollections of what had happened just then, and three years earlier completely overpowered my consciousness. I slumped to the ground in some unknown wooded area, my vision fading to black as I fainted.

I had just been betrayed by my own brother.

Now I was lost.

And I wasn’t entirely sure I wanted to come back.



OMG suspense! Hope you enjoyed it, and all. Please tell me what you think!:D