FicWad

Disclaimer: the characters are JK Rowlings. The circumstances they are in are entirely my own. No money ever changed hands, but a lot of fun was had.

~(*)~

It was three weeks after the war when the twins found the packet on the doorstep of their shoppe.

Opening it, they were startled to find a few bottles of what looked like potion ingredients and a note in large spiky handwriting that was painfully familiar to both.

The note read:

Gentlemen, and I use the word in its broadest sense when it pertains to Messrs Fred & George Weasley,

please find enclosed the ingredients necessary to diminish the unfortunate symptoms wrought by combining the use of U-NO-POO and PUKING PASTILLES, which I discovered via my own experimentation.

I like to pay my debts, and much as it pains me to admit, I, and possibly the Wizarding World as a whole, owe you a debt. These ingredients and the suggestions I make below should go a way towards repaying that debt.

In re: your use of lovage in...


Fred looked to George and frowned.

"Old Snape's got a heart."

"Gads. The world is coming to an end."

"Whadya reckon he means that he owes us?"

"Easy innit? He made use of our Wheezes during the war."

Fred grinned at his brother's large cheery smile and then both began to laugh at the thought of Death Eaters struggling from the effects of U-NO-POO.

~(*)~

Two weeks later...

Gentlemen, or should I begin to use the dreaded term "My business associates"?

I am gratified the suggestions I made have been helpful and increased sales. Who would ever think a temporary tooth-rotting agent could be so popular?

As re: your inquiries about developing a Flitter Tongue Fudge, I am afraid I do not have culinary knowledge. My cooking skills are confined to making potions. May I recommend you seek the advice of your estimable mother as re: making edible confections. She once gave me a molasses pinwheel that I can still recall the taste of to this day. I'm quite certain she is fully cognizant of the vagaries of fudge.

Lastly, the box of assorted Weasley's Wizard Wheezes, whilst thoughtful, is not something I can utilize in any sense, as the reason for my former usage is defunct. Please gift the box I've returned to a Slytherin student, preferably one with a threadbare robe who never purchases anything from your shoppe, but faithfully visits nonetheless.

With thanks,

SS


~(*)~

Four weeks later...

Messrs Weasley,

Enclosed please find returned your proffered and wholly unsolicited product.

Whilst I understand a shoppe such as yours can only thrive with the creation of new items and the expansion into new territory, the gifting of this particular product is extremely inappropriate. I am not altogether certain I am pleased to be considered a business associate, far less a test subject!

In future, keep your new products to yourselves and your friends.

Most Sincerely,

SS


~(*)~

"Here?"

"Ya reckon?"

"Looks empty."

"Looks dark and dank and depressing."

"Perfect! Must be Snape's place."

Thus cheered, both twins extended a hand to knock on the door at the house on Spinner's End.

Snape's expression did not change on seeing them.

"What can I do for you... gentlemen?"

"Gonna let us in?"

"We just wanted a word."

"You've just wasted nine and several seconds of my time."

"Oi! We've been needin' to have a chat."

"You've been sending all our gifts back."

Snape's lips pursed and he stepped back slightly. "In. I don't need the neighbours wondering what you're doing here."

"Tell 'em we're selling bickies," said Fred as he traipsed in, holding a box and waving it.

"Yeah. Or maybe tell 'em we're one of them Muggle religious cultists," agreed George, following his brother.

"Yeah, all our cult members dye their hair red."

"Red's a power colour, you know, Professor."

"Ever dyed your hair, Professor?"

Snape sighed.

"That is neither here nor there. What. Do. You. Want?"

"We told ya!"

"You've been sending all our gifts back."

"One - I did not ask for anything. Two - I can hardly use stink bombs and tongue-engorgement candy. Three--"

"Yer too embarassed to try out the Sexy Bollocks Socks."

"Those weren't for you to test, Professor. They're part of our new adult product line."

"Yeah. One sock vibrates."

"The other squeezes yer bollocks all gentle-like."

"And we already tested them ourselves."

Snape got a pained look. "There was a mental image I did not need."

Fred and George smiled at each other.

"Thing is, Professor--"

"Please. I'm no longer a Professor, we have been corresponding and you've even sent me -- Merlin save me -- a bloody sex toy as a gift. I think we're past the formalities."

"Well, Snape sounds kind of... I dunno..."

"Like my name?"

"We could call ya Sev."

"And lose an appendage."

"All right then, Snape. Have it your way."

"Thing is, we've been wanting to do something nice for you."

"Nice?"

"You helping Harry kill old MoldyWarts."

"And using our products on the Death Eaters."

"And giving our gift back--"

"And telling us to give it to a needy student."

"And--"

"All right! All right! I get the picture."

Snape sighed and finally gestured to his couch where the boys sat. He sat on a battered armchair across from them and looked dour.

If he had been wearing his old school robes, it might have given them pause, but Snape was wearing faded denim jeans, and a boiled wool jumper the colour of oatmeal. Moss-coloured cotton peeked from his collar, the unmistakable stretch neck fabric of a common Muggle tee shirt. His feet, surprisingly, were in comfortable-looking black, Muggle, slip-on leather sandals. Thus, he looked resigned and slightly dyspeptic more than forbidding.

"We'll wear 'im down yet."

Snape arched a brow at this and both twins smiled beatifically. He sighed.

"Very well, gentlemen. So you wish to thank me. You've done so. I don't suppose I can manage to get you to leave."

"Oi, we've done no such thing."

"Yeah, we only just got to the point."

"'Sides, Mum would kill us if we didn't give these to you," George took the box from Fred and handed it to Snape.

"What?"

"Molasses pinwheels."

"All for you."

Snape stared at the fragrant box and felt his resolve begin to crumble. A suspicious prickling sensation ran along his eyelashes.

"Mum wouldn't even let Harry have a nibble."

"She's his new favourite."

"Son."

"In-law."

"That's very kind." He blinked and cleared his throat before continuing, "Please, take your thanks as given. You're both very welcome. Tell your mother I appreciate these. Now, I'm afraid I really have no tea to offer, and I should ask you to le--"

/"We'd like to have a shag."/

"Pardon?" Snape blinked. They had spoken in unison so maybe there had been an odd echo and he hadn't heard them correctly or--

"We said," Fred purred, leaning forward and extending a hand which he lay on Snape's knee.

"We'd like to have a shag," finished George, taking the box from Snape's suddenly nerveless hands and setting it on the table.

"With you," added Fred, squeezing that knee.

Snape swallowed. So he'd heard them correctly.

"Gentlemen..."

"Oi. I'm Fred."

"And I'm George."

"And neither of us is gentlemen."

With that, George got up as his brother slid to the floor in front of Snape and put his other hand on Snape's other knee. Then George leaned in and began to kiss him.

Snape stilled, confused and uncertain. Then one of those warm, squeezing hands found its way to his crotch and he jumped.

"Oi! You nearly knocked me tooth."

"All right. You've had your fun," Snape managed to say a bit breathlessly. "No doubt you've won a large bet. Please, go collect it and leave me to my withering sanity."

"Now that hurts."

"We've not placed a bet with anyone."

"We're telling you the truth, Snape."

"We'd just like to shag you."

He looked from one brother to the other and finally sighed.

"What on earth makes you think I'd be interested in having two barely legal boys?"

"One, we're 19, more than barely legal. Two, we find you interesting."

"Three, we know you're bent."

Snape blinked.

"And four - you wouldn't be having us, Severus."

"We'd be having /you/."

"Pardon?"

"We top."

"At least, I top first."

"And I've been wanting to suck you."

"He's good at that."

"Yeah. Then you can do what you like."

Snape shook his head, not in negation, but trying to clear his increasingly muddled thoughts. Only one broke to the surface.

"Why? Why me?"

The twins looked at each other and beamed.

"We told you!"

"You're interesting."

"And we've always wondered what you'd be like--"

"--in bed."

"So how 'bout it?"

This was punctuated by a warm caress to his crotch from the hand, Snape suddenly realized, that had never left it.

He could hardly demur; he was hard as a stone.

_It's been far too long._

"Call it a celebration."

"Yeah. Harry got his victory parade."

"We all got medals."

"You got pardoned. Seems wrong."

"Unfair even. You helped more than anyone."

"And you used our own wheezes to do it!"

"You shoulda had a party at least."

"Wine. Women. Or tasty men."

"So we figure--"

"--you can at least get a good shag--"

"--out of it."

That said, George began to kiss him again, and Fred began to unbutton his flies and Snape mentally shrugged and let them have their wicked way...

~(*)~

"This is one of our new products."

"Wait--"

"No worries, gov. We tested it."

Snape sighed, and finally nodded.

The twins had him nude, on his hands and knees atop his bed and a fairly comfortable cushioning charm. His lean, lanky frame shivered with desire and the slight chill in the room. They were nude, as well, but too excited to feel anything beyond lust.

"You do it, George."

George scooped a generous dollop of the paste out of the jar. It began to liquefy almost immediately and he extended his fingers to Snape's warm crevice, gently stroking his fingertips along the pucker.

"Merlin... /gods/..."

"Like it?"

"Oh, dear sweet-- what is it?"

"We called it Itch Scritch."

"Really it's for POX-ON-YOU."

"To help after."

"But it's safe down here."

"And I tried it once."

"Amazing, innit?"

Snape nodded, his jaw dropped, his mouth opened and he profoundly hoped he was not drooling. The sensation around his anus was joyous.

It felt like thousands of tiny fingers were gently scratching and rubbing all around and along his sensitive hole. Not a centimetre of space was ignored. He could feel himself pushing back, wanting more.

"It'll stop soon."

"But it stays all slippy."

"Perfect lube."

"Your move, Fred."

"Thank you, George."

Fred moved in behind the undulating Snape and moaned as his brother gently applied a layer of Itch Scritch on his extended cock. He shuddered through the wonderful sensation as George gently worked first one, then two fingers into Snape's tight arse. By the time the sensations ended, his cock was wet with pre-come and Snape was fighting not to beg for penetration.

Fred slid in without a hitch and Snape cried out in ecstasy.

"Is it good, Fred?"

"Best ever, George."

George smiled and then slid under Snape and took the tip of his cock into his mouth, smiling as Snape cried out again. He began to gently tug on his foreskin and worked his tongue underneath, swirling it around the moist head and moaning at the pungent taste.

He began to suck as Fred began to thrust and Snape gave in to their manipulations, pushing his arse to meet Fred, then pushing his hips to meet George. It was the most pleasant experience he'd had in... well... it was the most pleasant experience he'd had.

Sex had always been something furtive for Snape, conducted in Knockturn Alley when he'd saved enough money and could no longer deny his need; quick and often humiliating encounters blunted by the use of staunch protection spells and fear as he let himself be taken, trusting only that his very generous payment would be enough to keep him from being abused... or worse. Sometimes it was.

He'd sometimes found himself left unsatisfied at best. Once, a few years before Potter had begun school, he'd wound up in St. Mungo's and he still refused to speak of it, even hexing Poppy and Albus who had come to identify him at the time. He burned with shame still at the thought of having been found in such a condition; his only consolations being that Hagrid had found him and kept mum and that St. Mungo's personnel had been amazingly circumspect since they thought he'd been raped. He could never tell anyone he'd gone seeking such attention.

Now... now every quick and dirty encounter was being swept from his mind by the amazingly generous attentions of these two... his mind shied from the term 'boys' and really, they weren't, were they, despite their perennially sophomoric natures? They were young men... and they wanted him.

Severus arched and froze, crying out wordlessly as his orgasm struck, and he continued to jerk spasmodically as he emptied, milking out Fred's release, as well. George continued to suck until he softened, then slid out of the way as both spent men fell atop the bed.

"Oi, George."

"Will ya?"

Snape merely watched, exhausted, as Fred slid from him and leaned over his brother, sucking him with great enthusiasm. Soon George was arching his back and Fred was swallowing and Snape was astonished to feel his sated cock twitch at the sight.

He moaned.

"Oi, there Severus. You okay?"

He nodded.

"Be up for another go later?"

"Un--" He yawned; sleep was trying to claim him. "--likely. I'm drained."

"Mind if we do?"

He shook his head and began to drift toward sleep to the sight of the twins holding each other, nuzzling together like a pair of kittens.

Snape smiled... and fell into a warm, contented, dreamless sleep.

~ FINIS ~

~(*)~
completed: 9 June 2006