Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco
Why?
Everything is perfect, for lack of a truer word, and I honestly don’t think that I’ve ever felt more at ease with myself; kind of like I’m a raft out on midnight seas, just floating through some sort of tropical dream of flawless idealism. Even the smirking crescent moon seems to be on my side, dousing us in it's enchanting pixie-dust, yet being just dim enough to make all of the stars stand out against the black velvet of the night sky.
Just like I had hoped.
The only thing that isn’t as I’d hoped is the weather; I’d been banking on tonight being warm for his skinny sake, but the crisp night air is just making him snuggle into me even closer than normal.
Perfect.
Just like the adorably whimsical boy that I’m sharing this perfection with; Ryan Ross, my boyfriend of three days and best friend of since before I even care to remember. The original plan for our first proper date was for us to go stargazing, something that I picked out especially for him because I know it’s something that he’s always wanted to do, but that plan fell to hell the second that he looked up at those stars, thus revealing the most mesmerizing shine in his eyes that I’ve ever seen in any type of jewel.
It’s ended up as Ryro stargazing and me Ry-gazing; just letting my pupils drown in the image of his shimmering irises. It’s like I can see every part of him reflected in those rabbit-like orbs of profound wonder, every aspect of what makes my boyfriend my boyfriend just swirling around like shooting stars in a faraway galaxy. And so it is perfect; he’s doing what he wants whilst curled up under my coat with me and I’m doing something that quite honestly couldn’t make me any happier if Ryan was making a conscience effort to be amazing. Not that he needs to.
I pull my arm tighter around his shoulders, relishing the way that it fits around him like some sort of long-lost puzzle piece, and nuzzle into the side of his neck with the iceberg of my nose, thus surprising a giggle that would probably have made me collapse at the cuteness if I were standing up as opposed to lying down at the local park. A park that I picked because I know that Ryan feels comfortable here, that it holds more great memories for the two us than there are endless days in summer vacations. In response to my gentle nuzzle he shifts to get closer to my warmth, rolling so that we’re front to blessed front and eye to awed eye; his eyes really are a true marvel to behold.
I was going to wait until the second date at least to say this, I was going to take my time with him and not fuck this up, but right now I can’t think of any other symphony more suiting to the serene, star-filled silence that our lock-eyed state has lulled us into.
I’m going to tell Ryan Ross that I love him.
Because I really fucking do. So much that it hurts whenever I'm not with my baby.
“Hey, Ry?” I whisper, my hot breath spilling straight onto his own sugar-sweet lips due to our comfortable closeness.
He makes a small noise of acknowledgement, reminding me very much of a baby bunny, and blinks at me with those huge, bottomless jewels of melted chocolate that we call ‘eyes’. Eyes that will always be mine to gaze into, to drown in like a sea of candyfloss; soft, sweet and undeniable.
I pull him even closer to me and brush some of his silky hair out of his face, my heart fluttering at how feathery his sweep of burnt-caramel hair is; and how it is mine to run my fingers through whenever I want. He blushes at the contact, a blush that mirrors my own, and that makes him all the more adorable; my little baby bunny boyfriend who needs to realise just how amazing he truly is. Because I know that he doesn’t see it, that he believes everything his father and the kids at school tell him.
He’s let them win and now it’s a miracle that he’s let me in. So it’s my job, no; that connotes some form of reluctance. It is my pleasurable duty to show him how wonderful he truly is.
By telling him that I love him. Which I do. With all of my heart. And my lungs. And my liver. And any other part of me that he might ever want.
“I love you, Ryro.”
Everything just stops. My heart beat and oxygen intake included. `
Those four, love-doused words are the most sincere statement to ever leave my lips; a statement that will either make us or break us. A statement that I said with a soft smile on my face because I know that he feels the same way, has done for a very large expanse of time, and that he will undoubtedly return it with his own little mewl of affection.
Why?
Because he’s my boyfriend; an insanely sweet bundle of benevolence who is currently curled into me like a baby kangaroo slotting into the warmth of it’s mother’s precious pouch.
I love him and he loves me, he just needed me to say it first because he’s too shy, too scared of the rejection that I know we’ll never give each other. Because we’re so deeply in love that we’re drowning in it. But in a stunningly blissful way.
“Why?” His question breaks through my thoughts of the very one making the unwelcome noise; unwelcome because he’s not supposed to say that, anything but that. “Why do you love me, Bren?”
My breath gets caught on the barbed wire of my unprepared throat; of all of the things for him to say, I had honestly not expected this. Possibly an endless awkward silence that would eventually be broken by a chaste kiss, maybe even an outright rejection, but definitely not that one simple word which has sent my mind into a whirlpool of confusion. What the hell is that supposed to even mean? He’s meant to say, ‘I love you too’ or, ‘Not yet, Bren’ or maybe even, ‘Fuck off’, but ‘Why?'
How do I respond to that?
If he were anyone else I might just simply shrug it off, perhaps break the tension with one of my trademark chuckles, but with Ryan it’s different; the question was innocent, sweet and, above all else, genuine. The kind of genuine that makes me want to just kiss him until his lips have worn away into a loving oblivion. Because his question was genuine due to a distinct lack of love in his life; love from friends, love from family and, shockingly enough, love from a lover.
Seventeen-years-old and still so innocent; so lamblike.
So alone and unloved despite mine and Spencer’s best efforts.
That changes tonight; he’s given me a chance and I’m going to use it to the best of my lovesick ability.
“What d’you mean, Sweetie? Of course I love you. You’re my boyfriend, aren’t you?” I beam down at him, planting a quick lightning-strike peck onto the tip of his nose and letting our foreheads rest on one another's lovingly. “Don’t be silly, Ry. I love you and always will.”
“But why? You have to have a reason or else you don’t love me really, not if you don’t know why. It’s like a T.V. working without electricity; impossible. You have to know why and if you don’t then you can’t possibly love me. Not really, anyway.” With every syllable his words got more desperate, more heart-splattering and, most scarily, more sincere; like the words instantly mean that I don’t love him.
Because I’m not good enough, because I’ve got to do better. And I will, I have to. For him, for my beautiful boyfriend.
Because I really do love him. More than even I can start to begin to describe.
I urgently rattle through my aching mind, pulling upon every memory and thought that I have ever had of Ryan and tearing it apart until I can think of something that will satisfy his swelling panic, a panic founded upon something that I should never have let him doubt in the first place.
I have to get this right, I know do; if I don’t then the poor boy will probably never open up to anyone again. But he’s too beautiful for that, for nobody else to ever see him blossom into the sweet forget-me-not that only Spencer Smith and I ever get to see.
“I love you, George Ryan Ross the third, for more reasons than there are stars in the sky, but I’ll list them all if that’s what you want. Because I love you.”
He relaxes into me once more at my self-assured introduction; I’m just letting the words flow straight from my heart, just like I know they have to for them to mean anything to him.
“I love you because you’re beautiful. In every which way, you are absolutely stunning. The way that your eyes shimmer like gold-dust, the way that your skin looks like it needs to be protected because of how precious it's porcelain quality makes it, the way everything about you is perfect.”
I pause to nuzzle into the side of his blush-burnt face, relishing the way that his eyes are starting to regain their captivating enchantment at the pure honesty of my soul-felt words.
“I love you because you’re kind. No matter how many times someone hurts you, I’ve never seen you hurt anyone back; you never even yell at them. No matter how much I want to call you stupid for not fighting back, I just can’t. You’re simply too naïve and innocent and kind to ever hurt any living thing. Too perfect to ever cause any kind of pain.”
He blinks up at me in astonishment, making me tingle in pleasure at the fact that I’m doing it right this time; that I’m coming closer to making him see how much I really do love him, how perfect he truly is.
“I love you because you’re unique, Ryan Ross. I’ve never met anyone even close to being like you, and that makes it all the more incredible that you’re mine; because no-one else has someone as adorably different as you are.”
In a moment of love-hazed madness, I slide my tongue across his face in a puppy-style lick, knowing that it will make him emit that which makes my next point.
“I love you because of your giggle, it makes me think of everything that I’ve ever done to make you happy, to make you feel like you deserve to feel. I’m only truly happy when I know that you are, that you can tickle my ears with your, quite frankly, adorable little giggle.”
He tries to stifle more of those which I have just appraised, his eyes igniting with glee as I rub my cheek slowly against his own in order to release those little butterflies of exaltation; the kind that I thought impossible mere minutes ago when he looked to be on the brink of tears.
And that’s why I can take refuge in the knowledge that I am good for him, that I am the perfect person for my Ry; because I can make him laugh when he looks like he’s about to cry.
Because I love him.
“I love you because you are you; because you’re all I could ever ask for in a friend and more than I could ever even start to hope for as a boyfriend.”
I feel him bury his beaming face into my shoulder, tightening his arms around my waist with so much force that it makes my insides explode in joy; him wanting to be near me is more than I could ever want. He feels like my own personal ragdoll, my own little comfort object of good memories and sad laments; of all of the ups and downs that we’ve gone through together, of all of the problems that we still have yet to beat but definitely will.
Because I love him.
But that doesn’t mean anything if he doesn’t believe it, if he doesn’t trust me enough to know that his love means more to me than the oxygen that I need to survive because, without Ryan, my life has no meaning and certainly no purpose. Whatsoever.
“Hey, Bren?” He whispers straight into my ear, making every part of me tingle as his heavenly breath trickles down my neck, and I simply nod in response.
He pulls himself out of my shoulder so that we’re looking each other in the eye, the two of us smiling serenely just at being in the other’s presence. Just at being together because as long as we have that then we both know that we’ll never need anything else ever again.
“I love you too.”
A/N: Thank you very much for reading; I hope that it was alright! This is a product of too much spare time and an overdose of boredom, so I’m sorry if this is crappy. Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think! :)
Everything is perfect, for lack of a truer word, and I honestly don’t think that I’ve ever felt more at ease with myself; kind of like I’m a raft out on midnight seas, just floating through some sort of tropical dream of flawless idealism. Even the smirking crescent moon seems to be on my side, dousing us in it's enchanting pixie-dust, yet being just dim enough to make all of the stars stand out against the black velvet of the night sky.
Just like I had hoped.
The only thing that isn’t as I’d hoped is the weather; I’d been banking on tonight being warm for his skinny sake, but the crisp night air is just making him snuggle into me even closer than normal.
Perfect.
Just like the adorably whimsical boy that I’m sharing this perfection with; Ryan Ross, my boyfriend of three days and best friend of since before I even care to remember. The original plan for our first proper date was for us to go stargazing, something that I picked out especially for him because I know it’s something that he’s always wanted to do, but that plan fell to hell the second that he looked up at those stars, thus revealing the most mesmerizing shine in his eyes that I’ve ever seen in any type of jewel.
It’s ended up as Ryro stargazing and me Ry-gazing; just letting my pupils drown in the image of his shimmering irises. It’s like I can see every part of him reflected in those rabbit-like orbs of profound wonder, every aspect of what makes my boyfriend my boyfriend just swirling around like shooting stars in a faraway galaxy. And so it is perfect; he’s doing what he wants whilst curled up under my coat with me and I’m doing something that quite honestly couldn’t make me any happier if Ryan was making a conscience effort to be amazing. Not that he needs to.
I pull my arm tighter around his shoulders, relishing the way that it fits around him like some sort of long-lost puzzle piece, and nuzzle into the side of his neck with the iceberg of my nose, thus surprising a giggle that would probably have made me collapse at the cuteness if I were standing up as opposed to lying down at the local park. A park that I picked because I know that Ryan feels comfortable here, that it holds more great memories for the two us than there are endless days in summer vacations. In response to my gentle nuzzle he shifts to get closer to my warmth, rolling so that we’re front to blessed front and eye to awed eye; his eyes really are a true marvel to behold.
I was going to wait until the second date at least to say this, I was going to take my time with him and not fuck this up, but right now I can’t think of any other symphony more suiting to the serene, star-filled silence that our lock-eyed state has lulled us into.
I’m going to tell Ryan Ross that I love him.
Because I really fucking do. So much that it hurts whenever I'm not with my baby.
“Hey, Ry?” I whisper, my hot breath spilling straight onto his own sugar-sweet lips due to our comfortable closeness.
He makes a small noise of acknowledgement, reminding me very much of a baby bunny, and blinks at me with those huge, bottomless jewels of melted chocolate that we call ‘eyes’. Eyes that will always be mine to gaze into, to drown in like a sea of candyfloss; soft, sweet and undeniable.
I pull him even closer to me and brush some of his silky hair out of his face, my heart fluttering at how feathery his sweep of burnt-caramel hair is; and how it is mine to run my fingers through whenever I want. He blushes at the contact, a blush that mirrors my own, and that makes him all the more adorable; my little baby bunny boyfriend who needs to realise just how amazing he truly is. Because I know that he doesn’t see it, that he believes everything his father and the kids at school tell him.
He’s let them win and now it’s a miracle that he’s let me in. So it’s my job, no; that connotes some form of reluctance. It is my pleasurable duty to show him how wonderful he truly is.
By telling him that I love him. Which I do. With all of my heart. And my lungs. And my liver. And any other part of me that he might ever want.
“I love you, Ryro.”
Everything just stops. My heart beat and oxygen intake included. `
Those four, love-doused words are the most sincere statement to ever leave my lips; a statement that will either make us or break us. A statement that I said with a soft smile on my face because I know that he feels the same way, has done for a very large expanse of time, and that he will undoubtedly return it with his own little mewl of affection.
Why?
Because he’s my boyfriend; an insanely sweet bundle of benevolence who is currently curled into me like a baby kangaroo slotting into the warmth of it’s mother’s precious pouch.
I love him and he loves me, he just needed me to say it first because he’s too shy, too scared of the rejection that I know we’ll never give each other. Because we’re so deeply in love that we’re drowning in it. But in a stunningly blissful way.
“Why?” His question breaks through my thoughts of the very one making the unwelcome noise; unwelcome because he’s not supposed to say that, anything but that. “Why do you love me, Bren?”
My breath gets caught on the barbed wire of my unprepared throat; of all of the things for him to say, I had honestly not expected this. Possibly an endless awkward silence that would eventually be broken by a chaste kiss, maybe even an outright rejection, but definitely not that one simple word which has sent my mind into a whirlpool of confusion. What the hell is that supposed to even mean? He’s meant to say, ‘I love you too’ or, ‘Not yet, Bren’ or maybe even, ‘Fuck off’, but ‘Why?'
How do I respond to that?
If he were anyone else I might just simply shrug it off, perhaps break the tension with one of my trademark chuckles, but with Ryan it’s different; the question was innocent, sweet and, above all else, genuine. The kind of genuine that makes me want to just kiss him until his lips have worn away into a loving oblivion. Because his question was genuine due to a distinct lack of love in his life; love from friends, love from family and, shockingly enough, love from a lover.
Seventeen-years-old and still so innocent; so lamblike.
So alone and unloved despite mine and Spencer’s best efforts.
That changes tonight; he’s given me a chance and I’m going to use it to the best of my lovesick ability.
“What d’you mean, Sweetie? Of course I love you. You’re my boyfriend, aren’t you?” I beam down at him, planting a quick lightning-strike peck onto the tip of his nose and letting our foreheads rest on one another's lovingly. “Don’t be silly, Ry. I love you and always will.”
“But why? You have to have a reason or else you don’t love me really, not if you don’t know why. It’s like a T.V. working without electricity; impossible. You have to know why and if you don’t then you can’t possibly love me. Not really, anyway.” With every syllable his words got more desperate, more heart-splattering and, most scarily, more sincere; like the words instantly mean that I don’t love him.
Because I’m not good enough, because I’ve got to do better. And I will, I have to. For him, for my beautiful boyfriend.
Because I really do love him. More than even I can start to begin to describe.
I urgently rattle through my aching mind, pulling upon every memory and thought that I have ever had of Ryan and tearing it apart until I can think of something that will satisfy his swelling panic, a panic founded upon something that I should never have let him doubt in the first place.
I have to get this right, I know do; if I don’t then the poor boy will probably never open up to anyone again. But he’s too beautiful for that, for nobody else to ever see him blossom into the sweet forget-me-not that only Spencer Smith and I ever get to see.
“I love you, George Ryan Ross the third, for more reasons than there are stars in the sky, but I’ll list them all if that’s what you want. Because I love you.”
He relaxes into me once more at my self-assured introduction; I’m just letting the words flow straight from my heart, just like I know they have to for them to mean anything to him.
“I love you because you’re beautiful. In every which way, you are absolutely stunning. The way that your eyes shimmer like gold-dust, the way that your skin looks like it needs to be protected because of how precious it's porcelain quality makes it, the way everything about you is perfect.”
I pause to nuzzle into the side of his blush-burnt face, relishing the way that his eyes are starting to regain their captivating enchantment at the pure honesty of my soul-felt words.
“I love you because you’re kind. No matter how many times someone hurts you, I’ve never seen you hurt anyone back; you never even yell at them. No matter how much I want to call you stupid for not fighting back, I just can’t. You’re simply too naïve and innocent and kind to ever hurt any living thing. Too perfect to ever cause any kind of pain.”
He blinks up at me in astonishment, making me tingle in pleasure at the fact that I’m doing it right this time; that I’m coming closer to making him see how much I really do love him, how perfect he truly is.
“I love you because you’re unique, Ryan Ross. I’ve never met anyone even close to being like you, and that makes it all the more incredible that you’re mine; because no-one else has someone as adorably different as you are.”
In a moment of love-hazed madness, I slide my tongue across his face in a puppy-style lick, knowing that it will make him emit that which makes my next point.
“I love you because of your giggle, it makes me think of everything that I’ve ever done to make you happy, to make you feel like you deserve to feel. I’m only truly happy when I know that you are, that you can tickle my ears with your, quite frankly, adorable little giggle.”
He tries to stifle more of those which I have just appraised, his eyes igniting with glee as I rub my cheek slowly against his own in order to release those little butterflies of exaltation; the kind that I thought impossible mere minutes ago when he looked to be on the brink of tears.
And that’s why I can take refuge in the knowledge that I am good for him, that I am the perfect person for my Ry; because I can make him laugh when he looks like he’s about to cry.
Because I love him.
“I love you because you are you; because you’re all I could ever ask for in a friend and more than I could ever even start to hope for as a boyfriend.”
I feel him bury his beaming face into my shoulder, tightening his arms around my waist with so much force that it makes my insides explode in joy; him wanting to be near me is more than I could ever want. He feels like my own personal ragdoll, my own little comfort object of good memories and sad laments; of all of the ups and downs that we’ve gone through together, of all of the problems that we still have yet to beat but definitely will.
Because I love him.
But that doesn’t mean anything if he doesn’t believe it, if he doesn’t trust me enough to know that his love means more to me than the oxygen that I need to survive because, without Ryan, my life has no meaning and certainly no purpose. Whatsoever.
“Hey, Bren?” He whispers straight into my ear, making every part of me tingle as his heavenly breath trickles down my neck, and I simply nod in response.
He pulls himself out of my shoulder so that we’re looking each other in the eye, the two of us smiling serenely just at being in the other’s presence. Just at being together because as long as we have that then we both know that we’ll never need anything else ever again.
“I love you too.”
A/N: Thank you very much for reading; I hope that it was alright! This is a product of too much spare time and an overdose of boredom, so I’m sorry if this is crappy. Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think! :)
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