Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Build God, Then We'll Talk.

I'm Unashamed, I'm Gonna Show My Scar.

by fearsgottahold 3 reviews

What's going on, Spencer?

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Angst,Drama - Warnings: [!!] [V] [?] - Published: 2012-02-17 - Updated: 2012-02-17 - 1783 words

Ello ello ello. It's me again. woop de doop and all that shizzle mcnizzle. I have no clue what's went through my head just then. I'm going insane. Anyway, I'm back with another chapter! I'm just going to say now, I was attempting irony when I chose the chapter title. It's not very ironic though. Whatever. You'll see what I'm talking about when you read this. Enjoy!

Spencer shifted from foot to foot, not sure what to say. Ryan had just thought that Spencer must have been a one off or something, but Spencer remembering the other two as well?

“I don’t understand.” Ryan burst out, unable to take the uncomfortable silence any longer. “I don’t know what's going on, and I don’t know what you want me to say. I don’t have a fucking clue where the others are. Shit, until about an hour ago I thought you were a figment from my over productive mind. I don’t know what to do.”

Spencer released a breath of air in a huff and Ryan’s outburst. “So. They don’t live here?” He said calmly.

Ryan let out a strangled yelp. “No! No they don’t.”

Spencer nodded again. “Can I have a look around? I think you need to calm down, and I don’t think I'm helping matters. We can have a talk about this when you're better, okay?”

Spencer walked out the room before Ryan had a chance to answer his question. Instead, Ryan made his way into his cramped room and sat with his back to the closed door. He didn’t know what was going on. His entire childhood had been focused on those three boys who had been everything to him. When they had left, part of Ryan had gone missing too.

It was a weird conflict of emotions that were in Ryan really. He was partly overjoyed to see that he wasn’t completely insane, and that the people he had spent most of his life with were real, but at the same time he was so angry with Spencer. So fucking angry.

Spencer had left him, for no reason at all, just because Ryan had doubted his existence. Ryan had had a hard childhood and his teenage years had been even worse. Spencer should have been there to make things better for him, and instead he had left him and taken his other two friends. Ryan didn’t care if this had all just been a dream to Spencer, it had been more than that to Ryan.

Jerkily, Ryan got to his feet, threw open the door and scrambled down the stairs to the living room, where Spencer was currently inspecting the Ross mantelpiece.

Ryan marched right up to Spencer, who had begun to turn around, and promptly punched Spencer in the face.

It was a sloppy punch. Ryan wasn’t really the puncher, more the punchee, and his arm was so thin there wasn’t really much muscle for the punch to be really bad. Still, Spencer’s head snapped back and Ryan saw with a small amount of satisfaction that Spencer’s lip had split.

“What the fuck was that for?” Spencer cried out, gingerly holding his hand up to his face and grimacing at the sight of blood on his fingers.

“You left me!” Ryan shouted back. He was beyond all coherent thought now; he just wanted to get his point across. “You left me, so I had no-one else, and you never came back! You were all I had, and you just disappeared without a trace.” Ryan crumpled to the floor. It was clichéd, but Ryan didn’t care. All he was sure about was that his legs couldn’t hold him up, and he had just punched his old best friend in the face. He had never felt so lonely in his life.

“You left me. You disappeared, and my life was hell when you had gone.” Ryan was ashamed to feel a tear start to trickle down his face, and he wiped it away angrily.

Spencer stopped dabbing at his face and looked down at Ryan on the floor, curled in on himself like the whole world was against him.

“How long?” He asked quietly. Ryan knew exactly what Spencer was talking about.

“Eight years. Eight years I've been on my own. I've been alone so long Spence. It hurts.” Ryan replied equally inaudibly.

Spencer sighed and sat down next to Ryan, curling an arm around Ryan’s thin frame. It didn’t matter to Spencer that the only contact he had had with Ryan had been through his dreams, he still knew Ryan better than anyone.

“Figures. That’s about the time they put me on the sleeping pills so I couldn’t dream about you. I'm sorry Ry, I really am.” Ryan whimpered and curled himself into Spencer’s warm body, savouring the feel. Spencer smelt exactly how he had when Ryan had last done this, and the memories of their time together were so wonderfully bittersweet it hurt Ryan.

“What happened?” Ryan asked Spencer quietly.

Spencer sighed. “Can we not talk about this on the floor? It might take a while, I don’t know. And can I sort out my face? I look like shit.”

Ryan chuckled half heartedly and allowed himself to be pulled upwards by Spencer. The good thing about it all was that Spencer didn’t need any direction around Ryan’s house; he knew exactly where everything was. It was kind of disconcerting, but it made things easier for Ryan, who went and got the first aid kit while Spencer washed his face.

After Spencer’s cut lip had been attended to, Ryan made them both a cup of coffee and they sat on Ryan’s ratty old sofa in silence with the steaming mugs. Ryan broke the quiet first.

“Tell me your story.”

Spencer took a sip at the cup, wincing at how hot it still was, and began to speak.

“I guess the dreams began when I was about four? I was pretty young, anyway. Basically, every night I would dream about three boys I had never met. I would play with them at the park.” Spencer blinked owlishly. “The park you were in earlier actually. Anyway, I dreamt about you every night, you, Jon and Brendon. We were like a team, we did everything together. It got to the point where I was more interested in my sleep than any other time. Crazy for a six year old, huh?”

Spencer smiled briefly and then his expression grew serious again. “They thought something was wrong with me. I was trying to fall asleep all the time. They thought I wasn’t sleeping at night or something. And then I had a nightmare one night. I don’t know if this happened, but we were at the park and you climbed that massive tree on the outside of the park. And you went all the way to the top but you couldn’t get down. Before any of us could help you, you slipped and fell out the tree and landed badly on your leg. I woke up screaming your name and my parents around me, wondering why I would shout out a name of a person I didn’t know.” Ryan grimaced at the story.

“It happened.” He said quietly. Spencer’s head whipped round. “That story. It wasn’t just a dream. It happened. Look.” Ryan carefully rolled up his trouser leg to show the scar that wound round his calf. Spencer let out a strangled laugh. “Shit. So everything that happened in my dreams, happened to you in real life?”

Ryan tugged his jean leg back down. “Yeah, I guess. It kind of makes sense, doesn't it? In like, a really messed up way. So um... Tell me the rest of your story?”

“What? Oh, yeah. Basically, my parents seemed to ignore it for a while, until about eight years ago, where they took me to a psychiatrist. He basically prescribed me sleeping pills and I haven’t had a single dream since.” Spencer leant forward then, a strange kind of heat in his eyes. “Ryan, you have to understand, I didn’t want to take them. The first night I got them I refused to take them. But that was the last time I saw you. I'm so sorry Ryan, I didn’t mean for it to be like that. I felt like such a shit friend, even though technically, we never met. I wanted to meet you. I wanted to see you again. And here you are.” Spencer let out a noise that was half a laugh, half a depressed giggle.

Ryan’s lip quirked. “Yep. Here I am. In all my messed up glory. Hope I'm worth it.” the words came out more bitter than Ryan meant for them to be. He winced slightly at Spencer’s slightly upset expression.

After a few long moments of awkward silence Spencer checked his watch and gasped. “Shit, I'm sorry Ry, but I have to go. Like, now. I… Can I meet up with you again?” Ryan nodded.

“Sure.” He managed.

Spencer looked awkward again for a second before asking him “Do you want my number?” Ryan was pretty sure this would be the first number in his phone that didn’t belong to a relative of his. He nodded wordlessly and grabbed his phone from the pocket of his jeans, so Spencer could program his number into it.

“So, I only live down the road from you, so it should be easy enough for us to meet up or something? Anyway, I really need to go now, and you have no fucking clue how happy I am to see you. It’s really so fucking cool.”

Ryan smiled and stood up and held out his hand, pulling Spencer up as well. Ryan walked ahead of Spencer to his front door and opened it for him. Spencer dithered for a second before he swept Ryan up in a choking hug. Ryan winced, trying to make Spencer relax his grasp a bit, before deciding it was useless and curled his arms around Spencer’s small waist.

They stood like that before Spencer abruptly jerked back, laughing breathlessly. “Shit, I really have to go now.” Ryan grinned and waved Spencer off before shutting the door behind him.

As soon as the door was shut Ryan sank to the floor, completely stunned.

He wondered when the fuck his life messed up so dramatically.

R&R? It makes my day/weekend/life, it really does.
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