FicWad

A/N: Hey, this is just a random and completely ridiculous oneshot I did today cause I was bored outta my skull. Hope you like…feedback is much appreciated :D

EDITED SINCE I POSTED YESTERDAY: I've changed it a little, especially the end...read again if you want to, and by all means submit another review if you're feeling awesome xD


Gerard Way hated needles. It was a simple fact of life, like the fact you need to inhale oxygen to remain somewhere other than the Grim Reaper’s office.

In fact, perhaps ‘hate’ wasn’t quite a strong enough word to describe Gerard’s feeling towards needles; he despised them with a deep, burning passion, and felt that the world would only be a good place once it was completely devoid of those sharp, self-satisfied shiny little motherfuckers that destroyed lives.

Of course, the reason Gerard hated needles so much was because he was, to put it quite bluntly, completely terrified of them. I mean, it wasn’t like he just had some completely random, unjustified loathing for a completely innocent little object- he wasn’t actually that unhinged, contrary to popular belief. Randomly wanting to massacre all the needles in existence for no particular reason would be like secretly torturing apples in a dark cellar. And that would just be messed up.

However, it was quite possible that many people merely thought him an insane apple torturer, because Gerard liked to keep the fact needles made him want to jump off the top of the empire state building as secret as possible. I mean, it just sounded so much more masculine just to loathe them, than suddenly find the need to cower and tremble under tables whenever one was mentioned. And seriously, Gerard was manly personified.

Well. Mostly. If you just took away the pink boas and the eyeliner.

And the gayness.

Oh, and the fact he liked to wear women’s pyjamas and, for some mysterious reason, could walk better in heels than most females.

But yes. Back to the point that Gerard loathed needles with all his heart. Who cared if they saved lives and stopped terrible diseases? They were like hell all condensed into one, lethally sharp, shiny object. Not cute.

Other than his deep hatred for needles, Gerard didn’t really dislike anything else to that extent- he was a good natured twenty five year old, if a little overly-dramatic and ridiculous.

However, he now hated his best friend, Ray Toro, almost as much as needles themselves.

Ray was something of a silent genius, and hid his seemingly endless supply of wisdom inside that gigantic Amazonian rainforest stuck to his head. To an outsider, Ray would have seemed a kind-hearted, sensible guy. And actually, for most of their friendship, Gerard would have agreed with this.

But now Ray was evil. So evil that he could actually have been Satan in disguise. Like, Satan, Voldemort, Justin Bieber and Hitler all in one. And that’s really not a pretty combination.

Anyway, the reason Ray was suddenly so evil was because, being the overly-clever, puffy-skulled geek he was, he had somehow managed to trick Gerard into going to the local hospital for his yearly flu vaccination.

I mean, how was Gerard supposed to know that there wasn’t really a coffee tasting convention going on in the building? He wasn’t the brightest little crayon in the box, and he was still slightly hung-over from Friday night, where he’d gone to ‘Black Velvet’ the local alternative club and got so drunk he couldn’t even remember being drunk. All he remembered was dancing rather sexually all night long with the hottest guy he’d ever met in his life. Then again, he was so dunk he could have been hallucinating and the dude could actually have been uglier than a pug trying to look like Hannah Montana.

In fact, Gerard was still feeling so much like vomiting his own intestines up that, unless Ray had said that the incredibly hot guy Gerard spent all night grinding against at ‘Black Velvet’, was also going to this coffee convention, Gerard would still be happily at home, sitting watching ‘Angus, Thongs and Perfect Snogging’, because yes, he liked chick flicks. Liking them obviously just proved he wasn’t afraid of his masculinity. Obviously.

So, with the promise of coffee and getting the incredibly hot dude’s number (Gerard had only failed to get it on Friday night because he had fallen asleep in a puddle of Ray’s vomit and hadn’t woken up until Ray dragged him home, by which time the gorgeous, golden-eyed boy had tragically disappeared), the two had set off for the local hospital.

As he and Ray had walked up the pathway to the main entrance, Gerard was feeling very excited and his mouth was going all frothy at the prospect of all that free coffee and a hot guy, because Gerard loved coffee and hot guys.

However, all of Gerard’s precarious caffeine/sexy guy dreams had come instantly crashing down when the bottle-blonde receptionist had asked if they were there for the ‘influenza jab’, and the horrible truth slowly dawned on Gerard’s unhinged little brain.

To begin with, he had just thought she’d made a mistake, and they’d soon get to the coffee convention, but then he’d caught a glimpse of the horrible guilty look on Ray’s face, and he suddenly realised what was going on.

The fucker had tricked him. And now he was going to be tortured to death with needles. They’d probably even stick them in his eyeballs.

On reaching this realisation and also having a very vivid imagination that allowed him to foresee being vaccinated in the eyeball, Gerard had panicked and tried madly to sprint from the building.

Sadly, sports never really been his strong point, and he’d collided forcefully with a lovely little potted plant before even coming near the exit.

This collision had knocked him to the carpet where he lay, slightly dazed for a few moments, giving Ray the opportunity to haul him unceremoniously through some doors and into a horribly sterile looking waiting room, which reminded Gerard nastily of the mental institute at the other side of town.

Not that he’d ever been there or anything- it was just a rather tricky misunderstanding involving a large bottle of Smirnoff vodka and a special offer in the local supermarket for ‘three melons for the price of one’. Oh, and of course that rather spotty and easily influenced cashier with the turquoise nose stud. Never a good combination.

Anyway, Gerard was now sitting on one of those uncomfortable plastic chairs in the waiting room, scowling unattractively, because there was no free coffee, no sexy guy he had danced with on Friday night, and he was about to be poked into his next life with needles.

He would have tried to make a run for it, but Ray had sadly had a quick word with the receptionist, and she’d sealed the waiting room doors.

So Gerard was left, waiting for his death while nursing a large bruise on his head where the plant pot in the foyer had so rudely assaulted him, darkly mulling over how he was going to seek revenge on Ray.

“Stop that, Gee,” Ray sighed from where he was sitting beside Gerard, reading, for some reason, ‘Horse and Hound’ magazine and occasionally patting Gerard soothingly on the head.

Gerard merely stuck his nose huffily in the air and pretended Ray didn’t exist.

“It’s for your own good, you know,” Ray pointed out reasonably.

Gerard stuck his nose higher and more huffily into the air.

“Oh, stop being such a drama queen,” Ray rolled his eyes before returning to his magazine.

Gerard stuck his nose higher still into the air, very, very huffily.

“What are you doing?” Ray sighed despairingly, looking round at his needle-phobic best friend who had his nose pointed determinedly at the ceiling.

“Being huffy,” Gerard sniffed sulkily.

“You look like some kind of retarded, gothic hamster that’s trying to reach its water bottle.” Ray said, idly turning the page of his magazine.

Gerard was about to retort snappily, but before he could do so, a loud, clear voice rang out across the waiting room, turning poor little Gerard’s bones to dust, because yes, he was about to die. Like, fatally.

“Gerard Way?” a tall, thin-mouthed, frowny woman called sharply. It was alarming just how much her voice sounded like death’s. Not that Gerard knew what death’s voice sounded like, obviously. He didn’t even know if death had a voice.

But fuck, if it did, it would sure as hell sound like this women’s.

Gerard felt his heart die a little. This woman looked like she disembowelled newborn babies or drowned kittens as a hobby, and now she was about to stick a ginormous, pointy needle in Gerard’s bloodstream. And probably rupture the vein or something. Then all his veins would get entangled and he’d die in a writhing mass of blood and squeals.

And no, Gerard was not in any way starting to hyperventilate. He was merely breathing in a very calm, masculine way.

“Gerard,” Ray poked him gently. “Come on.”

Gerard remained frozen and totally-not-hyperventilating in his little seat. Quivering. But in a very brave way, obviously.

“Gerard Way!” the demon-woman called again, starting to sound annoyed.

“Gerard, come on,” Ray hissed, tugging at Gerard, who clung harder still to the chair. He didn’t care if his arm got ripped off. He’d rather be arm-less than amputated with a thousand needles.

“Mr. Way?” the evil, frowning woman had marched over to where Gerard was still clinging frantically to the chair and Ray was trying to tug him free so as someone could gouge all his insides out with a giant, murderous needle.

“No!” Gerard yelped, shaking his head furiously. “Stay away from me!”

“That’s him,” Ray said grimly.

In revenge, Gerard sunk his teeth into Ray’s forearm.

“OWW!” Ray yelled, struggling madly to get Gerard to relinquish his arm.

However, Gerard kept his teeth firmly embedded in his best friend’s flesh, because if he was going down, Ray was too. Especially since it was Ray’s fault he was about to get murdered by those horrible, pointy needles.

“EEemph,” Gerard yelped in surprise as he suddenly found the thin-mouthed doctor pinching his nose between her fingers.

He looked up at her from where his teeth were nicely dug into Ray’s arm, and growled.

The whole waiting room was staring at the little Gerard/Ray/Satanic doctor from hell entanglement, looking slightly alarmed.

Sadly, the evil doctor didn’t even blink, and Gerard was eventually forced to withdraw his canines from Ray’s arm because he couldn’t breathe. Also, he didn’t want to hurt Ray fatally. Well, not too fatally.

“Needle phobic?” the evil doctor asked in clipped tones, raising her eyebrows at Gerard’s crazed eyes and Ray’s pained groaning and attempts to mop the blood from his arm with a tissue.

“Yes,” Ray managed through gritted teeth.

“Hold on,” the demon sighed, pulling a pager from her pocket. “Backup?” she said sharply into the receiver. “Yes, bring the tranquilisers too. And some antiseptic,” she added, glancing at Ray’s blood-spurting arm.

Gerard’s eyes widened at an alarming rate, because backup didn’t sound good. And tranquilisers meant needles. Lots of needles. Was there no end to those sharp, shiny little motherfuckers?!

“Right,” the frowny doctor bent down and looked Gerard straight in the eyes.

Gerard gulped.

“We’ll go through to my room in a moment when some of the nurses have arrived to help,” the doctor said firmly. “You can have a sticker once we’re done. Or a sweetie,” she said, as if Gerard was some kind of messed-up man-child.

“I’m not getting it done,” Gerard panicked, looking around wildly for something to hide under, or something to build a rocket with so as he could escape to another planet where needles and vaccinations and demonic doctors did not exist.

“Gee, if you don’t get your jab, you could get flu,” Ray pointed out logically.

Gerard wasn’t really a fan of logic. It always spoiled things.

“I’d rather die than get the shot,” Gerard said in a very un-high-pitched manner, flailing slightly as Ray grabbed him firmly on one side, and the evil, evil looking doctor did the same thing.

However, Gerard wasn’t prepared to be taken down without a fight, and before they could get a proper grip, he was shooting across the room like a maniac on speed and skittles, flailing madly.

For a second, he silently rejoiced at the freedom, and then he collided with the wall.

In that kind of totally graceful, elegant way only Gerard could.

The whole waiting room was very, very silent by now, as Ray and the doctor advanced on Gerard, Ray still wincing whenever he moved and the doctor’s mouth set into a hard, fiendish line that surely meant the end.

Gerard remained whimpering and clinging onto a nearby potted plant with a bleeding lip. He was not moving, not even if wild unicorns tried dragging him. And oh god, they had giant needles stuck to their heads, didn’t they?! Was there no end to the lengths the evil, shiny fuckers would go to put him in his grave?!

“Come along, dear,” the doctor said falsely, holding out her hand and beckoning Gerard as if he was mentally unstable or retarded. “Come here.”

“No,” Gerard said, growling squeakishly.

“Come on,” the doctor repeated through gritted teeth.

“No.”

“Right, I’m afraid I’m going to have to take action then,” the doctor from hell sighed, stepping forwards ominously.

“Neeugamoose!” Gerard squealed in terror, flinging himself across the room as the doctor’s fingers closed round his shoulder like the claw of death. Seriously, they were unnaturally cold.

Unfortunately, Gerard had forgotten that there were quite a lot of chairs between him and the door, and became rather nastily entangled in them, not to mention a rather angry elderly lady who smelt of trifle and cat food. And who probably wasn’t too thrilled about suddenly being splatted with a large amount of slightly unhinged, homosexual needle phobic freak.

Gerard thought he heard Ray groan from behind him, but his face was kinda squished into a chair, so it was slightly tricky to hear. The old lady was starting to beat him with her shiny red handbag with a surprising and slightly alarming amount of strength.

“Mr. Way,” the doctor was speaking through gritted teeth now.

“No!” Gerard squealed maturely. “No, please don’t kill me!”

“Gee, they aren’t going to kill you,” Ray sighed despairingly.

“Don’t count on it,” the doctor growled darkly. Then, with a brightened tone- “Ah, here comes backup.”

Before Gerard could be strangled by the furious elderly lady, he felt himself being firmly grabbed by two strong pairs of hands, and was wrestled, kicking and screaming down the corridor to the consultation rooms while the entire waiting room gawped after him, eyes wide.

On the way, he managed to grab hold of a random passing patient by the left ear, spit in the frowny doctor’s face, kick Ray several times in the shin, somehow knock out one of the people dragging him with their own fist, and continually trample on the other’s toes with steel-capped Doc Martens in a very ballerina-ish manner.

Sadly though, Gerard was outnumbered, and eventually, he was wrestled into a consultation room, his attackers one man down, and the rest of the party injured and very, very angry.

“Strap him down,” the frowny doctor growled, wiping Gerard’s saliva from her eyebrow and picking up a large, sharp needle from her desk. Her expression was not a pretty one as she stepped forwards, brandishing a large, shiny needle.

Gerard screamed like a dying hamster. A manly, dying hamster, of course.

“It’s fine, Gee!” Ray slurred through a bloody lip, trying to pat Gerard soothingly. Gerard growled.

“Right,” the doctor instructed, pulling on medical gloves and advancing on the bed where Gerard was flailing and wriggling like a worm about to be dissected in a school science lab. “Distract him,” she said to Ray.

Ray looked rather as if the doctor had just asked him to grow wings and become a unicorn.

“I- what?!”

“Talk to him about something,” the satanic doctor said, preparing her needle.

“So…um, what did you think of the bands at ‘Black Velvet’ last night?” Ray asked brightly, mopping his lip.

“I care so little I don’t even not care,” Gerard snarled, realising there was nothing for it but to try and escape; the needle was getting alarmingly close. There was nothing for it; he started gnashing his teeth at the straps binding him down, eyes slightly crazed and frothy.

“Oh, um….what did you…have for…breakfast..?” Ray asked feebly.

Gerard was gnawing feverishly at the straps holding him down.

“Air,” he snapped, chewing frantically at the clips and straps.

“…What?” Ray looked perplexed.

However, he didn’t have much time to be confused, as Gerard’s pointy little teeth had finally destroyed the straps, and he flung himself wildly off the bed and towards the door, managing to knock the doctor over on his way so that she became impaled by the needle.

“COME BACK!” An angry yell echoed from the room as Gerard sprinted down the corridor as fast as his chubby little legs would carry him, into the waiting room which was still filled with gobsmacked, wide eyed people.

“SEAL THE DOORS!” someone else yelled, just as Gerard flung himself at the exit with a nasty splatting sound.

There was a long silence as he slowly slid down the glass, eyes rotating manically in panic, nose squished painfully, because that was the only exit and there were no windows for him to scramble out of…unless-

“GERARD!” Ray’s yell and the sound of thundering feet clattered into the waiting room.

Moments later, he was crouching down beside Gerard.

“You alright?” he panted, surveying Gerard’s glassy eyes and bleeding face.

Gerard omitted an ominous squeaky growl.

“Ah, there he is!” the demonic voice of the frowny doctor snarled venomously, and Gerard panicked, scuttling across the room and flinging himself under the little coffee table in the middle of the waiting room with a loud, very, very manly high-pitched squeal of fright.

“Gerard!” Ray’s head appeared under the table moments later. “Come out!”

Gerard responded by flicking a little piece of chewing gum he’d found stuck to the table leg at Ray’s face.

“Gerard!” Ray snapped, peeling it from his eyelid and fixing the crazed, hyperventilating lunatic under the table with a firm glare.

“No,” Gerard scowled stubbornly. “I’m staying right here, thank you.”

“Everyone’s staring at us,” Ray hissed.

“I don’t care,” Gerard retorted huffily.

“Mr. Way?” another voice said gently, a softer, slightly huskier voice from the other side of the coffee table.

Gerard whirled round, and consequently bashed his head painfully on the table above him. Crouched down in a similar position to Ray, peering under the little table Gerard was hidden under, was possibly the hottest guy Gerard had laid EVER eyes on. In fact, he looked sort of familiar, but Gerard couldn’t quite place him.

And he was quivering under a coffee table, having just assaulted an elderly lady, attacked a potted plant, and gnawed his way through his best friend’s arm.

“Itch,” Gerard said coherently.

The ridiculously hot guy smiled and held out his hand as if he greeted quivering, overly-pale lunatics cowering under coffee tables every day.

Gerard stared at the guy’s hand for a moment or two, suddenly having a strange urge to lick it, but managing to restrain himself, because then he might get taken away to a mental hospital, and there would be lots of needles there.

“Pleased to meet you, I’m Dr. Iero,” the man smiled, and Gerard felt his knees melt slightly as he notice the way the warmth of the doctor’s smile lit up his golden russet eyes that also looked very familiar.

“Hi-eugn-hello,” Gerard said smoothly, taking Dr. Iero’s hand, and suddenly finding himself being pulled out from under the table.

“There we go,” Dr. Iero smiled cheerfully. “Now, would you like to come with me?”

“NO!” Gerard yelped, squirming free of the insanely hot doctor’s grip and flailing his way across the waiting room to hide behind someone. Sadly, that someone just happened to be the first, evil doctor, who grabbed him into a headlock, and with the help of Ray and the ridiculously hot doctor, Gerard was dragged, squealing, along the corridor and into one of the consultation rooms for the second time.

This time, he managed to kick the evil doctor with his elbow, head-butt Ray in the crotch, and…well, he actually left Dr. Iero alone. Because seriously, that guy was just too pretty to maim. Even if he was about to stick needles in Gerard.

Finally, he was flung down into a slightly more comfortable chair than those in the waiting room, and the door was locked.

Gerard gulped, eyes wide with terror, but his heart was also beating ridiculously fast in a way that was definitely not from fear.

“You can leave me to deal with this,” Dr. Iero said pleasantly to the demonic doctor currently nursing a black eye. “And you, if you want- you can go and get stitches on that,” he added to a rather bleeding, dishevelled Ray.

“You sure?” Ray asked, but the door was already slamming shut behind him. The evil doctor hadn’t even bothered waiting, and was probably halfway down the corridor by now.

“Please don’t kill me,” was the first, moronic thing Gerard said. Of which there would be many, obviously, because Gerard was Gerard and he was moronic, especially in front of a guy that was sex personified.

Dr. Iero smiled, but it wasn’t an evil, sadistic ‘I am going to kill you by sticking needles in your manly parts’ grin. It was a pretty grin. Like, so pretty it melted Gerard’s kneecaps and made him want to fling himself at the Doctor’s lips.

“Relax,” Dr. Iero shook his head, amused. “Would you like a cup of coffee?”

Gerard brightened, because he loved coffee, and it was his life. “Yes please!”

While Dr. Iero bustled round making Gerard a mug of coffee, Gerard tried to think why the small, skinny doctor seemed so god damn familiar, but in all honesty just spent the majority of the time staring at the dude’s ass.

Cause seriously, it was really fucking pretty. And maybe Gerard was drooling.

“There you go,” Dr. Iero smiled, coming over and handing Gerard his coffee so that Gerard only just had time to avert his eyes from the medic’s buttocks and wipe the little trail of spittle from his lower lip.

“EInogiegwerioptp,” Gerard said gratefully, blushing furiously as Dr. Iero sat down beside him and looked cheekily round at Gerard from behind strands of dyed-black hair. He looked very young to be a doctor. And very hot.

But Gerard was in no way complaining. Oh no.

“Now, why are you so scared of getting a flu shot?” Dr. Iero grinned unfairly sexily, taking a sip of coffee.

“…N-needles,” Gerard whispered, quivering into his mug.

“Ah,” Dr. Iero grinned. “You wouldn’t believe the number of people who are scared of needles.”

“Really?” Gerard asked, surprised, and still keeping a cautious eye on the needles on the desk behind them, just in case they sprung to life or something. You never knew with those little fuckers.

“Mhm,” Dr. Iero nodded, looking amused. “Most of them don’t manage to injure over four people and hide under coffee tables, through,” he added, smirking slightly in a way that made Gerard want to do a great number of things to the dude’s tongue that were probably very illegal.

But Dr. Iero was still smirking away teasingly at him, in a rather un-professional manner.

Gerard blushed a very cool and masculine blush.

“The trick is…distraction.” Dr. Iero’s voice went all soft, and he shifted a little closer to Gerard on the table.

“Inpmch,” Gerard said alluringly, turning the colour of a very, very angry little tomato and suddenly having a very strong urge to lick Dr. Iero’s nose.

However, he just managed to restrain his eager little tongue, cause he remembered Dr. Iero could get revenge with a needle.

“And to remember to breathe,” Dr. Iero added gently, shifting closer still, so as Gerard could admire his long, dark eyelashes and count the freckles on his nose.

“OOgwoet,” Gerard said cleverly, feeling tingles spark all the way down his spine and his breath hitch in his throat.

“Think of happy things.”

He was now so close Gerard could feel the warm brush of peppermint breath on his lips, and he suddenly didn’t care about needles at all. In fact, he was having problems remembering what they actually were, because there was a ridiculously hot doctor with the nicest buttocks Gerard had ever seen, suddenly very, very close.

“Qihtwoetowi,” Gerard breathed, feeling ready to sexually combust.

“And…” Dr. Iero whispered, bumping his nose against Gerard’s. “…Relax.”

And suddenly, he was kissing Gerard, warm and gentle, and Gerard’s heart was actually going to explode. Dr. Iero’s lips were silky soft and wonderfully reckless; hot and slightly teasing as they tangled with Gerard’s and his tongue cheekily danced into his mouth, warm and sloppy and sending wonderful shivers all down Gerard’s spine.

Gerard felt his lower belly flip right over and tingle, and then he was leaning into the kiss fully and trying to stop his breathing going all gaspy or his manly parts blowing up like it felt they were about to do.

He fleetingly wondered if Dr. Iero usually snogged his patients, but all thought didn’t really last long with the wonderful, cock-combusting things Dr. Iero was doing with his tongue, licking and nibbling mischievously at Gerard’s bottom lip, tugging gently with his teeth at the soft flesh in a way that made Gerard want to flip the dude over and start humping him like a sexually deprived rabbit then and there on the medical table.

Eventually, Dr. Iero pulled away, and much to Gerard’s embarrassment he Gerard loud out a funny sort of squeaky whine of dismay at the lack of lip-contact, making Dr. Iero smile widely with those wonderfully swollen lips of his.

Dr. Iero tucked a stray strand of hair behind Gerard’s ear, sending shivers all down the needle-phobic’s neck, and grinned. “All done,” he beamed.

Gerard blinked. “…All…what?”

“Your flu shot,” Dr. Iero said brightly, gesturing to a tiny red pinprick on Gerard’s forearm.

Gerard blinked several times.

“You don’t remember me, do you?” Dr. Iero smirked, flicking Gerard’s nose gently and smiling at Gerard’s bemused expression.

“You do seem kinda…familiar,” Gerard admitted, blushing and feeling ridiculous.

“Black Velvet last night?” Dr. Iero grinned cheekily. “Frank?”

Suddenly, it all came flooding back and Gerard suddenly realised that the hot guy he danced with all night and the doctor that just kissed him so wonderfully and succeeded in giving him a vaccination without tranquilisers was the same person.

Gerard blinked again.

“I don’t just molest random patients, you know,” Frank joked.

Gerard carried on blinking.


Frank grinned at his stunned expression and kissed him briefly again, lips soft and warm. “That was for last night,” he smiled. “I never got the chance.”

Gerard’s knees no longer existed, but he managed to speak weakly, feeling somewhat glazed from the beauty of Frank’s gold swirled eyes smiling at his.

“Um…how often can you get these flu shots done?”


So…feedback? Like I said, it was just to cure boredom, and is therefore a little shitty and completely and utterly ridiculous, but I hope you liked! Thanks for reading :D R&R?

CosmicZombie xo