FicWad

A/N- I do not own this at all. This was written by blacklittleghost. The original is way better that this, if u so happen want to read it, it's on livejournal. Also in all of my stories I use the name Simon. There is a reason for that, it's the boy I've been in love with since 6th grade and he barely knows I exist so there you go. Enjoy. 









They were seven, the first time Toby met Hannah . Well, Toby was almost seven. When his grandmother died, his   parents decided it was only right that they visit his  grandfather each Summer. Sure, he'd been to France before, but it was when he was eight, it became a Summer tradition.

His mother packed his suitcase, and almost as soon as the school bell had rung on the last day, he was whisked onto a plane, over the ocean, to Bordeaux.

And that was where he first met Hannah , when he wandered out of the back yard of the little estate casa his grandfather owned. He'd been chasing the cat, brandishing his foam sword at it, when he'd ran into the messy haired girl.
"Sorry," the girl mumbled, stepping back, staring at the ground, a nervous tone in her young voice.
"You speak English!" Toby cried gleefully, almost bouncing on the spot.

The girl had looked up, hazel green eyes sparkling curiously. Her skin was as pale as Toby's his hair only a little darker. She gave a small nod, stuffing her hands into the pockets of her shorts.
"What's your name?" Toby asked, as forward as ever, grinning wildly.
"Hannah" The girl said in a quiet tone.
"I'm Toby," Toby smiled, sticking his hand out in the same fashion he'd seen his father do countless times at Christmas parties.

Hannah looked at his hand curiously, before taking it, giving it quick shake.
"You wanna play with me?"Toby  asked.
Hannah gave a small shrug and nodded. "Okay."
Toby gave a little giggle, before he grabbed Hannah's wrist and dragged her into the garden.

"Here," Toby said, pushing a second sword at his new friend. "You can be the black knight, since your hair's black."
"But you have dark hair too," Hannah said, eyes on the form sword in her hands.
Toby shrugged. "But I'm the red knight."
Hannah had sighed, and nodded, and put up her guard when Toby  ran at her, a squeal on his tongue.

It was almost dinner time when both of then fell on the warm grass, panting and giggling.
"You're cool," Hannah smiled, looking over at Toby.
"Thanks," Toby grinned. "You're cool too."
"You're kinda small though," Hannah mused aloud.

Toby sat up, a look of annoyance on his face. "I am not!"
Hannah looked up at him. "You are. What age are you?"
"I'm almost seven!" 
"Oh," Hannah said, pushing herself to sit up. "Well, maybe when you're seven, you'll be bigger?"
Toby thought about this and nodded. "You think?"

Hannah nodded. "When I was six, I was really small."
"What age are you?"
"Eight," there was a smug tone to the girls voice, making Toby scowl.
"I'll be eight soon!"
Hannah shook her head. "No, you need to be seven before you can be eight, silly."

Toby crossed his arms, and huffed. He didn't want to be seven. If Hannah was eight, then he wanted to be eight.

"Hannah!" A voice called out. "Ma chèrie!"
"That's my gam gam," Hannah sighed, getting to her feet.
"You wanna play tomorrow?" Toby asked, walking his new found friend to the garden gate.

Hannah sighed, and nodded. "Can I bring my brother?"

-

And they did play the next day. Hannah showed up, not long after lunch, a small boy in tow. Toby liked little Nick from the minute he set eyes on the five year old. For one he was smaller than Toby. And for a second thing, he totally didn't mind being the princess that the two knights fought for.

"But he's my brother," Hannah complained when Toby tripped her  up, tugging Nick's arm.
"But he's MY princess!" Simon whined. "I won!"

Hannah huffed and crossed her arms. "Not fair." Nick giggled and held onto Toby's  hand. "Hannah's  moody."

-

They spent the whole Summer like that. Each day, Hannah would come around to Toby  grandfather's back garden. Sometimes she'd bring Nick, sometimes she wouldn't.
Sometimes they played knights, sometimes they played superheroes.

When it was nearing the end of the Summer, one night, Toby was curled on his mother's lap, in front of the wood fire, when there was a knock on the door.
"Hi," a woman's voice said, when Toby father answered the door. "I'm Kathy, I have a house just across the way? I think my daughter might have left her sweater over here earlier?"

Toby climbed out of his mother's lap, running to the door.
"Is Hannah here to play?!" He cried in joy.
A tall blonde woman smiled down at him. "You must be Toby" she said, ruffling his hair. "No, Hannah's in his bed, sweetie."
Simon sighed and huffed, stomping back to the sofa.

"Come in, Kathy," Toby father smiled, leading the way. "I'll check the garden."

"So this is the magic Summer house Hannah keeps telling me about," Kathy smiled, standing in the door way of the den. 
"Hi," Toby's  mother smiled, getting to her feet. " Mary Brenner," she held out her hand.
"Kathy Davis," Kathy smiled. "Hannah can't seem to stop talking about Toby."
"Oh really?" Mary said, looking over at Toby, folded up on the sofa, his face glum. "Toby seems to have grown an attachment to your kids too, I think..."

Toby  sighed loudly, watching the embers burn in the fire place.

"You live here?" Mary asked, leading Kathy into the kitchen.
"No, we have a Summer place, just across the way."
"Ahh," Mary replied. "Coffee?"
"Oh, thanks."

Toby could feel his eyelids getting heavy as he listened to the women talk in the kitchen.

"Have you just moved here, or..." Kathy was asking.
"No, this is my parent's house. My mother just passed away, so I thought it best we spend some time with dad, you know?"
"I'm sorry to hear that," Kathy said sympathetically. 

Toby was falling in and out of consciousness, before he shot up, after his head fell off the sofa arm.

"It's a shame," Kathy was saying, passing the sofa with Toby's parents, Hannah's stripy sweater in hand. "I don't think Hannah  will be happy about saying goodbye on Saturday..."

-

As it was, Hannah wasn't happy about saying goodbye to Toby on Saturday. Normally so quiet and withdrawn, Hannah held onto Toby hand as his mother was putting her suitcase in the trunk of the taxi cab.
"Promise you'll write to me?" Hannah said, sniffing, and wiping at her nose with her free hand. Mikey was in the back of the car, nose pressed up to the window.
Toby nodded, and grinned. "Promise."

-

And she did write. Hannah only lived on the other side of Ohio, but it was still too far for a seven year old. Okay, an almost seven year old.

So when Toby was back at school, every fortnight he'd write to Hannah, his scribbles almost unintelligible to his smiling mother, as she took him to the Post Office every second Monday, and let him post the letter all by himself.

"Momma," Toby yawned one night as he was tucked into bed. 
"Yes sweetie," Mary said, smoothing down his hair.
"When can we go see Hannah again?"
Mary smiled, and pressed a kiss to his little forehead. "Maybe we'll see her next Summer."

---

Toby was eight, the next time he went to the Summer house. Well, almost eight.

Almost as soon as his grandfather's car had pulled up outside the house, Toby was sprinting up the path, bouncing on his feet anxiously, whining when his family took too long to unpack the car. 
"Mom!" He yelled, finally inside the house. "The garden! The garden!"

"Baby," Mary laughed. "I don't think Hannah will be here yet."
"She will!" Toby cried as May took her time unlocking the back door. "She said she would!"

As soon as the door was open, Toby was bounding down the garden to the back gate, almost colliding with a slightly taller, dark hair girl
"HANNAH!" Toby screamed in delight, wrapping his arms around the older girls  neck.
"Toby!" Hannah giggled happily, swinging around.

That night, Mary made them sandwiches, and let them sit on a picnic blanket in the garden, Toby practically clinging to Hannah's arm the whole time.

-

The Summer was much like the last, as the two kids ran around the garden, play swords in hand, screaming and giggling with as much joy and happiness as they could.
Sometimes Nick played, sometimes he didn't. Hannah seemed to like it when Nick didn't come over. She seemed to like having Toby all to himself.

"You're my best friend," Hannah said one night, a sad tone in her voice, as they sat at the bottom of the garden, Action Men in their little hands.
Toby grinned. "You're my best friend too."
Hannah looked up at him, smiling, before she frowned. "But you have other friends back home."
Toby shrugged. "Don't you?"

Hannah shook her head, her messy black hair bouncing around her ears. "People don't like me."
Toby cocked his head to the side. "Why not?"
Hannah shrugged. "Dunno. Just don't."
Toby  chewed his lip, before he dropped his Action Man, and leaned forward. He pulled Hannah into a tight hug, and smiled, "I like you enough for everyone."

-

The end of the Summer was just as difficult as the previous one. This time, Toby was leaving before Hannah. He screamed, and he cried, and he clung onto Hannah's  hand, even as he sat in the back seat of his father's car, hanging out of the window.
"Write to me again?" Hannah  said sadly, a little tear sliding down her cheek.
Toby nodded. "Promise."

-

When it was Toby eighth birthday, he received a little hand made card in the mail. He opened it before the rest of his cards and presents, and smiled with joy at the little happy pumpkin on the front, laughing up at him.
Happy Birthday Toby. See you in the Summer! Hannah xoxo
Toby had smiled, and sat the card in the centre of the mantelpiece. Throughout the whole day, he kept picking the card up, re-reading it over and over again, before his mother finally dragged him away to have his face painted.

---

The Summer before Toby's ninth birthday was difficult to begin with. As Toby pulled up in his grandfather's car, outside the Summer house, his face was a sombre one.
"Toby!" Hannah squealed happily from her spot on the porch, where she'd been waiting for over and hour.
Toby had gave a small smile as Hannah pulled him into a hug, before letting him go.

"What's wrong?" The ten year old asked.
"Toby's just a little sad," Mary said, walking up behind them, rubbing Toby's shoulder.
Hannah nodded, at looked to the car where Toby's grandfather was unloading the trunk.
"Where's your dad?" Hannah asked, looking around.

Toby gave a shrug, before following his mother into the house.
Hannah followed silently, hand fiddling at her side.

When they were sat in the back garden, at the picnic bench his father had built for the Summer, Toby kept his eyes on the table.
"They're getting a divorce," he said after what seemed like a year of silence.
"What?" Hannah asked, looking across the table.
Toby shrugged. "He left, and mom said he's not coming back."

Hannah didn't know what to say. So she said nothing. Instead, she got out of her seat, and walked around the table, pulling Toby to his feet, and pulling him into the closest hug she could manage. Toby stood for a few seconds, before he fisted his hands in Hannah's sweater, his little face crumpling as he sobbed into his best friend's chest.

-

Toby showed Nick his new Stretch Armstrong at the bottom of the garden, as Hannah sat with Mary and Kathy on the back porch.
"How's he doing?" Kathy asked, sipping her wine, eyes on the two small boys near the flower beds.
Mary sighed. "I think he's okay. He doesn't want to talk about it, really..."

Hannah looked between the two women, before settling her eyes on Toby, showing Nick just how far the doll could really stretch it's arms.

"He'll be fine," Kathy said, rubbing Mary's  arm. "He's a good boy."

-

"I don't want to go home," Toby said, the day before Hannah was due to leave. 
"Hmm?" Hannah hummed lazily, as they lay on their backs, the sun shining down on them.
"I don't want to go home," Toby repeated, closing his eyes. "I want to stay here forever. With you."
Hannah turned her head to look at Toby, chewing her lip. "Me too."

-

"Write me?" Hannah said, as she let go of Toby hand, climbing into the taxi.
"Promise," Toby sighed sadly.

---

"Got Summer plans, Brenner?" Simon asked as he and Toby made their way down the steps of the old school building.
"Yeah," Toby grinned, happy to be finished the last day of ninth grade. "France."
"Dude, you go to your grandpa's every year!" Sam laughed, throwing his arm around the small boy's neck.

"It's my favorite place," Toby had shrugged, pushing at his friend, before he waved goodbye, running towards his mother's car.

-

"Woah," a voice behind Toby said as he pulled his suitcase from the trunk. "Do you ever grow?!"
Toby grinned and spun around, looking up at the tall dark haired girl. 
"You took your time," Hannah smirked, pulling Toby into a close hug. 

"Hey Hannah," Mary smiled, pressing a kiss to the back of her head as she passed. "Tell your mom I'll call her later."
"Sure thing, Mary ," Hannah waved, stepping back from Toby. 
"You got taller," Toby grumbled, dragging his suitcase towards the porch.

Hannah laughed, running a hand through her long black hair. "Thanks."
"S'not fair," Toby complained, as they entered the house. "I'm gonna be like, four feet for life."
"Ahh," Hannah said, putting an arm around her friend's neck. "I'll still love ya, even if you are a munchkin."

-

"How's school?" Hannah asked as they at at the old picnic bench, now worn from the years of small kids using it was a fort, throwing pretend grenades at Action Men.
Now they were older, the same old games didn't hold the same appeal.
"S'okay," Toby shrugged, stretching. "You?"
Hannah nodded. "I start High School after Summer..."
Toby let out a whine. "And I'm still stuck in Junior High!"

As with each Summer past, the two teens spent the hot, sunny days in the back garden of Toby's   Summer house. Only now, their hands weren't holding toy swords and Action Men - instead, Toby sat with an acoustic guitar on his lap, as Hannah lay on her back in front of him, eyes closed, listening to the strumming of the strings.
"You're getting good," Hannah breathed lazily.
"Thanks," Toby smiled. "Dad's been giving me lessons."
Hannah smiled. "You still seeing him at the weekends?"

Toby nodded. "Yeah, he never misses it."

-

They were lying by the flower bed one night, the sun no longer in the sky, but the night still light and warm.
"Toby?" Hannah said suddenly, leaning up on one elbow, looking down at the boy next to her.
"Hmm?" Toby smiled, quite comfortable.
"Have you ever...have you ever kissed someone?"

Toby opened one eye, looking at Hannah suspiciously. The last time Sam had asked him that question, he'd answered honestly, and had spent an hour dealing with Sam's ridiculous taunting.
"Sure I have," he lied, closing his eye, knowing fine well that Hannah would know he was lying if his eyes were open.
"Oh." Hannah said, slightly disappointed.
"Why?"
Hannah sighed. "I haven't."

Toby opened both eyes this time, and looked up at Hannah. "Really?"
Hannah shook her head. "Nope."
"How come?"
The older girl gave an awkward shrug. "I told you, no one likes me."
Toby gave a small giggle, nudging Hannah's leg with his own.
"Neither have I," he said finally, leaning up on both elbows.
"What?"
"I haven't kissed anyone."

Hannah cocked an eyebrow. "Why did you say you had, then?"
Toby felt his face blush. "I didn't want you to laugh at me."
Hannah shook her head. "I'd never laugh at you, Toby."
Toby smiled, and closed his eyes, leaning his head back.

After a few seconds, he looked back at Hannah, who was watching him, chewing her lip.
"What?" He asked, half laughing.
Hannah shook her head, looking away.

"You're weird," Toby giggled.
Hannah turned back to him, her face serious. She leaned in closer, her eyes on Toby's  the whole time.

Toby felt the breath in his lungs freeze as he felt Hannah's lips press against his own. He stayed perfectly still for the few seconds Hannah's lips where on his, not really moving, just kind of there, and soft, a small vibration from Hannah's  shaking body reaching them.

When Hannah pulled away, Toby's  eyes were wide, unblinking, as he stared at the older girl.
"I, uh," Hannah stuttered, clumsily getting to her feet. "Uh...yeah...I better...yeah..."

Before Toby could say a word, Hannah was gone.

-

The next day, Hannah didn't come around. Toby  huffed, and kicked his legs of the table leg of the picnic bench as he stared at the back gate.
"Everything okay baby?" Mary  called from the back door.
Toby turned and shrugged. "Hannah isn't here yet."
Mary leaned against the doorframe. "You two have a fight?"

Toby shrugged again. "I guess we did."

-

It was a week before Toby saw Hannah again. He was sitting at the bottom of the back yard, muttering to the tulips about how much it just sucked to be a teenager, when he heard a cough behind him.
He twisted around, to see Hannah stood there, black hood pulled up over her hair, face hidden.
"Hey," Toby said calmly, getting to his feet and wiping his palms on his already dirt covered denims.
"Hey," Hannah said quietly, staring at the ground.

They were silent for a few minutes, before Hannah spoke up again. "I, uh, I go home tomorrow...I just wanted to...uh...say goodbye..."
Toby's  eyes widened, before he looked at his digital watch, cursing at the date.
"Already?"
Hannah finally looked up, confused. "You're not mad at me?"
Toby shook his head. "Why would I be?"

Hannah blinked. "I...I kissed you..."
Toby shrugged. "You just wanted your first kiss. So what?"
Hannah stared at him, before she let a small smile slip onto her lips. "Thanks Toby."

Toby grinned, and pulled her into a hug. "You're my best friend, Hann..."

---

It was the Summer before Toby turned seventeen that Hannah kissed him again. They had only arrived in France a few days earlier, and were walking back from the little town market, taking a detour through some woods that they were never allowed near when they were kids.

Toby had stumbled, and grabbed onto Hannah to stop himself from falling, before Hannah pulled him up straight, so close, when Hannah looked down, their noses were almost touching.

Toby felt that same freeze in his lungs, his stomach knot up as Hannah's lips met his own. This time was different, though, as Hannah slowly moved her lips, her hands on Toby's arms.

And Toby done something he had never expected he would ever do. He kissed Hannah back.

The kiss only lasted a minute or so, both teens stood, shaking slightly, their basket of parent's shopping abandoned on the woodland ground.

When they broke apart, Toby stared at Hannah, her breathing slow. Without a word, Hannah picked up the basket, and nodded to Toby to walk on.

-

Toby was lying on his bed, staring at the ceiling, running the day's events over in his head.
He'd kissed Hannah back. He'd actually kissed her back. And he liked it. 

He had no idea what it meant, and it scared him. He wasn't supposed to live his best friend, was he? Sure, there had been that one strange kiss two years ago, but Toby had put that down to the fact that Hannah was just, well, strange.
He'd never thought about kissing Hannah again. He'd went back to school, kissed girls behind the bike shed along with the rest of his friends, took them to school dances, and had the awkward teenage grope in the back row of the movies.

But now, as he rested his head in his hands, Toby felt a panic in his chest, as he couldn't get the image of Hannah's pale face out of his mind.

-

They never spoke about the kiss until a week before the end of the Summer. 
"You okay Toby?" Hannah asked as they lay at the bottom of the garden, Hannah with a sketchpad in her hands, sketching her own interpretation of the lilies in the flower bed.
Toby sighed, and leaned against Hannah's shoulder.

"Hannah?"
"Yeah?"
"Do you like me?"

Hannah froze his sketching.
"What?"
Toby shrugged. "Do you?"

Hannah was silent for a few seconds, before she started to sketch again. "Yeah, I think I do." Toby nodded, still leaning against Hannah's  shoulder. "So you like me then?"
Hannah sighed. "Well...yeah."
Toby could feel his heart racing. 

Hannah carried on with the leaves she was drawing.
"Really?" Toby said in a low voice.
Hannah didn't answer, only sighed.

They were silent for the rest of the afternoon, until Hannah was leaving.
"I think I'm going into town with my mom and Mikey tomo-"

Toby cut her off, grabbing her face in his hands, and pulling her down to kiss him. He was vaguely aware of Hannah's  hands flailing for a few seconds, before they rested around Toby neck.

Toby never knew how long they stood there, at the bottom of his grandfather's garden, lips locked, hands shaking. All he knew was that he didn't want it to end. And that scared him.

-

As with the end of ever Summer, Toby stood, Hannah's  hands in his own, as they said their goodbyes.
"You okay?" Hannah asked, taking a hand and pressing it under Toby chin.
Simon gave a little nod, and sighed. "I'm just..."

"Confused?" Hannah finished for him, her face serious.
Toby nodded, biting his lip.

"It's okay," Hannah said, leaning in and wrapping Toby in a small hug. "Write me?"
Toby nodded, as Hannah got into the taxi. "Promise."

---

The Summer before Toby's senior year was the first time he'd been nervous about the vacation. As his grandfather's car pulled up to the Summer house, the knots in his stomach tightened - but not at the sight of Hannah.
Hannah wasn't there. She wasn't sitting on Toby's grandfather's porch like she normally was. She wasn't in the back garden either.
When Toby rang the doorbell, and looked through the darkened windows of Hannah's  parent's Summer home, there was no one there.

It was a week before Hannah showed up. Toby was lying on his bed, miserable, and contemplating flying back to Jersey, when he heard a voice from his doorway.
"Miss me?"
He sat up quickly, his heart racing. "You motherfucker!" He yelled, bouncing off the bed and into Hannah's  arms.
Hannah laughed, and squeezed her friend tight, tight enough to pull him off his feet. 

"Sorry," she smiled, putting Toby down. "I had to sort some college shit out."
"You got in?!" Toby asked, eyes wide.
"Sure as shit I did!" Hannah almost squealed.

Toby grinned and pulled the older girl back down for another hug, congratulations on his lips.
As he pulled away, he somehow found Hannah's  lips on his own. He startled slightly, jumping back, staring at Hannah's  horrified face.

"Shit! Sorry..." Hannah said, a red flush making it's way up up her cheeks. 
Toby shook his head. "No...sorry...you just...caught me off guard..."

Hannah nodded, but never got to say anything more, are Mary came up behind her, congratulating her on his college acceptance.

-

They were in the back yard again, like they always were, when Hannah held Toby's hand. It wasn't like they used to hold hands, Toby thought, as he felt Hannah rub her thumb over the soft skin of palm. No, this wasn't like when they were kids. This was something completely different.
Toby had turned to look at her. Hannah staring at him, her eyes questioning. Toby nodded, and smiled and grin on Hannah's  face.

-

That Summer was the first time Toby had let anyone see him naked, let alone a girl. His mother and grandfather were at the town market, with Kathy and Mikey. Toby had been sick for a few days, and confined to his bed, so Hannah had offered to hang behind, just to make sure he was okay.

Toby was just out of the shower, when Hannah walked in.
"Shit! Sorry dude!" Hannah had blushed, ready to walk out of the room, when Toby reached forward and caught her wrist.
"Hey," he smiled, pulling her back into the room.

Hannah had gave a small gulp as she closed the door behind her. She looked at Toby, nothing but a black towel, wrapped around his mid-section.
She'd found it cute, how no matter how many times they'd kissed, held hands, that Toby's hands shook as he ran them up and down Hannah's hips, before he rested at the seam of her old, faded Black Flag shirt.
The smaller boy leaned up, pressing a small kiss to Hannah's  throat, pushing his hands under the older girls shirt.

Hannah tried to fight off the goosebumps she felt, and almost hissed when she felt Toby's  cold fingers trace over her lower stomach. She looked down, to see Toby looking up at her,his eyes curious.

Slowly, silently, Hannah reached her hands down to Toby's  waist, resting them on the towel. She stared into Toby's   eyes, searching for any sign of resistance. Finding none, she slowly pulled the towel away, eyes still on Toby's  eyes.

Toby's  kept his eyes on Hannah's, his heart racing in his chest as the towel dropped to the floor. As Hannah  stepped forward, putting her hands on Toby's  neck, the younger boy could feel his skin rippling as Hannah leaned down, pressing her lips onto Toby's.

Toby slowly pushed Hannah backwards, towards the bed. As the back of her legs hit the bed, Hannah leaned back, crawling backwards onto the bed. Hannah could almost feel Toby's eyes drag slowly down her body, before he climbed on the bed, on top of Hannah, locking their mouths together again.

Hannah never noticed her legs opening, or Toby dropping between then. He tugged at Hannah's  shirt, yanking it over her head. Toby grinned down at her, only in a small tank top, before he ducked his head, peppering Hannah's collarbone with small, sweet kisses.

Hannah shivered as she felt Toby's  hands roam from her hips to her stomach, slowly stroking down her sides. 
"Is this okay?" Toby breathed against her neck
"Uh-huh," Hannah breathed "Perfect..."
Toby looked up realizing what was really going on. He looked Hannah in the eyes and rolled off her.
"You okay?" He breathed, sliding his hand down to grasp Hannah's. 
Hannah blinked, and nodded. "Yeah. I'm good."

-

That was the Summer Toby realized that he had some sort of feelings other than friendship towards Hannah. Sure, during the school year he'd had silly flings, making out with Sam's cousin Ruby at a party, or getting a handjob from that chick in his English class that he never could remember her name.
But it was nothing like this. Nothing like Hannah.

It felt like he'd spent the whole of the Summer experimenting with the different ways he could get to kiss Hannah. Each time his mother and grandfather were out, Simon  would find himself in the shower, on the bed, in the dining room, Hannah's mouth attached to his mouth.
They held hands under the table, when their families met for dinner. Toby would blush when he'd look across the picnic table during a game of cards with Mikey, to see Hannah staring back at him, a look of sheer adoration on her  face.

And that was thing - Toby knew Hannah adored him. Hannah never tried to hide it. It was as if Hannah's main purpose in life was to make Toby happy.
And she did. And that scared Toby.

Throughout the whole Summer, when Hannah was gone, and Toby was alone in his bed with just his thoughts...that was when the questions creeped into his mind.
He wasn't in love, he was sure of it. He looked at other girls at school the same way Hannah looked at him.
But Hannah was different. It was Hannah. She was just another girl,she was Hannah.

But it scared him. And as the Summer drew to a close, and he was ready to say goodbye, Toby didn't know what to think.

"Here," Hannah said, pushing a slip of paper into Toby's   back pocket. "My school address. So you can write."
Toby nodded, not meeting her eyes.
"You'll still write, yeah?" Hannah asked worriedly, putting a hand against Toby's forearm, and pulling him up to look at her.
"Yeah," Toby smiled, pressing a small, chaste kiss on Hannah's  lips. "Promise."

---

It was after Christmas, during his senior year, that Toby next saw Hannah. It was the first time, in the eleven years he'd known her, that he'd seen her on American soil, and not in the Italian sunshine.

He was in New York, with Sam and Simon, watching some punk band that Simon was crazy about, when he saw her, standing by the entrance to the club as Toby and his friends were leaving.

"Toby?" Hannah called, a cigarette at her lips.
Toby had spun on his heel, heart racing at the sound of the familiar voice.

"Hannah?" Toby  had almost squeaked.

Hannah grinned, dropping her cigarette to the ground, and quickly striding to Toby, pulling him into a tight embrace before he could object.
"Dude!" Hannah squealed happily, holding him at arms length. "What are you doing here?"

Toby could feel a blush on his face begin to bloom as Sam and Simon stepped up beside him. "Uh, just seeing some bands...you?"
"I go to college here, dumbass," Hannah laughed letting go of Toby's shoulders, and letting his hands trail down to Simons.

As Toby realized what ahe was doing, he quickly pulled his hands back, shoving them into his pockets. Hannah looked at him confused, before she smiled again. "I can't believe you're here! You haven't wrote in so long!" Toby shrugged. "Yeah...been, uh, been busy lately..."

Sam and Simon were sniggering by his side, before Sam nudged him. "Toby, not gonna introduce us to your girlfriend?"

Toby felt his face go beetroot, as he said, "Shes not my girlfriend..."

He looked up at Hannah, and felt his stomach knot up at the sight of the older girls hurt expression.
"Uh, we better, uh," Toby fought for the words, but Hannah spoke instead.
"Yeah, I better go..." she said, fiddling with the zipper on her jacket."Nice seeing you Toby..."

Toby nodded, before he turned around quickly, and walked from the venue as fast as his legs would allow.

---

The Summer after senior year was the last that Toby would see Hannah for a while, he found out. As he stepped into the back yard, Hannah was already sat on the picnic table, sketchbook in her hands.

"Hey," Toby breathed, making his way down the back porch steps.
"Hi," Hannah said, eyes on the pad in her hands.

"I didn't think you'd be here this Summer," Toby said, pulling himself up to sit next to Hannah on the table.
Hannah nodded. "I'm only here for a few days."
"Oh?" Toby said, his stomach dropping.

"Yeah," Hannah said, finally looking up. Her eyes were shining slightly, red around the edges. "I just wanted to give you this."
She held out the sketch book to Toby. It was the old one she only used in their Summers together.

"What?" Toby asked, taking the book in his hands.
Hannah nodded, and climbed off the table, standing in front of Toby, rubbing at her face. "I, uh, I'm going to Rome, with my class."
Toby nodded. "You'll be back, though, right? Rome's only a few hours-"
"No, Toby. I won't be back."

Toby stared at her "What?"
"I can't do this anymore," Hannah said, pulling her hands away from her face to show red, teared up eyes. "I'm sorry, but I can't."
"Do what?" Toby asked, before biting his tongue.

"This," Hannah motioned to the space between them. "Us. This. I can't do this."

Toby shook his head, getting to his feet, setting the book on the table. "But Summer's our thing, Hannah, come on, we just-"
"We're not kids anymore Toby, okay?"

Toby looked at her, almost laughing. "Look, I know we're not kids, but I don't get-"
"Don't get what, Toby?" Hannah's voice was shaking. "You don't get that I'm in love with you?"

Toby froze on the spot. "What?"
Hannah gave a sad laugh. "There, I said it. I love you. But I know...I know you don't feel the same, okay?"

Toby shook his head, unsure what to do or say. "Hann, just calm-"
"No, Toby" Hannah's voice was almost hysterical, as tears slid down her pale cheeks. "I've...I've had a lot of time to think about this Toby...and after I saw you in New York...you don't want me, Toby. You're ashamed of me."
"I'm not ashamed of you!" Toby almost yelled back.
"Yes you are, Toby ! When you're friend called me your girlfriend, you couldn't get out of there quick enough!"
"But you're NOT my girlfriend!"
"THAT'S THE FUCKING PROBLEM!" Hannah screamed. 

They were silent in the aftermath of the outburst, both staring at their surroundings.

It was a minute or so before Hannah spoke up. "Last Summer...I thought it meant something, Toby. I thought...I thought that was it, that was us." She wiped her eyes on the back of her sleeve. "But it didn't."
"Hannah, I-"
"Don't, Toby, okay? I just...I can't do this anymore. I'm sorry." Hannah began to walk away, towards the back gate.

"Hann, please, I-" Toby called after him, but Hannah cut him off.
"My name's Hannah, Toby." She said, stopping by the gate, but not turning to face him. "We're not kids anymore."

And then she was gone.

-

Toby lay on the sofa, his head in his mother's lap, like he had all those years ago - only this time,  Kathy didn't come to the door, looking for her daughters sweater.
No. Mary had found Toby at the bottom of the garden, by the flower beds, tears streaking down his cheeks, an old battered, overflowing sketchbook in his hands.

"She's gone, mom," Toby sobbed into her thigh as she stroked his hair. "She's gone."
"Shhh, baby," Mary soothed, the heat from the crackling fire dancing across their skin.
"I...I didn't...I don't love her..."
Mary paused her movements, looking down at her shaking son.
"Toby?" She asked, leaning down. "You wanna tell me about it?"

And he did. He told her all about the first kisses. The holding hands. Even the sex. Mary held him close, and let him cry, and shake, and beg for it to stop hurting.
"Baby," she said, when he was almost cried out. "Just because you have feelings for one girl doesn't mean your in love, baby. You can be whatever you want."
Toby shook his head. "I don't...I don't know what I want, mom..."

"Well," she said, leaning down, and pressing a kiss to his wet cheek. "When you do know what you want, I'm right behind you."

-

Toby never saw Hannah again that Summer. When he walked by the Way's house, he saw Mikey in the front yard, carrying grocery bags into the house. He never stopped to say hello.

That was the last Summer Toby spent in Italy for a long time.

---

Toby was almost twenty five when his grandfather passed away. It was horrible. He'd had take emergency leave from his job in the local music store, and fly over to Lucca with his mother.

As the cab pulled up to the old Summer house, Toby felt a tug in his stomach. He held his mother's hand as the made their way up that old pathway, squinting at the Summer sun he hadn't seen in years.

That night, after he'd put his mother to bed, Toby finally walked into his old, childhood Summer bedroom. His grandfather hadn't changed much. There were a few boxes of random storage, and an old hi-fi of his grandmother's, but that was all. The rest was as it had been the last Summer he'd spent here, before his nineteenth birthday.

He fell down on the bed, sighing at the ceiling. He looked over at the clock on the bedside table, but it wasn't the flashing numbers that caught his eye - there was an old, dusty book on the dresser, just by the edge.
Toby sat up, and pulled the book into his lap, coughing at the dust as he rubbed the cover.

Opening the first page, he couldn't help but grin at the two little kids in the photograph, pasted into the cover, foam swords in their hands, squealing grins on their faces.

Toby didn't sleep the night before the funeral. No, he spent the night sat up in his bed, sketches of flowers, toy swords, Action Men, and ten years worth of letters in his own scribbled hand writing, falling from the book.

---

The funeral went smoothly, and without a hitch, which Toby was glad of. He didn't pay much attention to his surroundings, preferring to hold onto his mother's hand the whole time.

The wake was held in the Summer house, which seemed only right, Toby thought, as he greeted family and friends.

It was a few hours in when Toby found himself walking into the backyard, and felt his heart still in his chest, as his eyes fell on the solitary figure in a shiny black dress, bright red hair shining in the Summer sun, standing at the bottom of the garden, just by the flower bed.

"Hannah?" Toby asked in a shaky voice as he reached her 

Hannah turned, a sad smile on his face. "Hey Toby."
Toby stared at her for a few seconds, taking in all the little changes, all the little things that hadn't changed, before he said. "I didn't know you were here..."

Hannah nodded. "I wanted to pay my respects." She looked down at the unattended flower bed. "Spent every Summer here, only seemed right."

Toby nodded, feeling a burning at the back of his eyes. "I really appreciate it. He'd...he'd be happy you're here."
Hannah nodded. "I'm really sorry for your loss."

Toby almost laughed. "Please, don't give me that mechanical bullshit, Hann."

Hannah gave a small smile. "It's been a while since anyone but Mikey called me that."

-

Almost everyone had left, when Toby saw Hannah hugging his mother, holding her hands, before he made for the door.
"Hannah!" Toby called, running up behind her

"Oh, hey," Hannah said, a confused smile on her face. "I couldn't find you to say 'bye...'
"Are you, uh," Toby stuttered. "Are you at your, uh, Summer place?"

Hannah nodded. "Yeah, just for the week, before I'm back to Milan."
"Milan?"
Hannah waved a hand. "Art show thing."
Toby grinned. "Wow. You really made it, huh?"
Hannah shrugged. "I guess. I just worked hard, I suppose..."
Toby bit his lip, knowing what that meant.

"Well," Hannah said clearing her throat. "It was nice seeing you again Toby," he stuck out his hand, in that old fashioned way Toby had the first time he met Hannah, eighteen years ago.
"Yeah," Toby said, a lump rising in his throat, taking Hannah's  hand. "Take care, Hann..."

-

Toby couldn't  sleep that night. He tossed, and he turned, before he finally gave up. He crept down the stairs, the sketchbook in his hand, and out to the garden.
He felt his stomach twist when he saw a dark figure sat on the old picnic table.

"What took you so long?" Hannah said, a smile in her voice.
"How long have you been out here?" Toby asked, pulling himself up onto the table.
Hannah shrugged. "About an hour."
"An hour? Why didn't you just like, knock?"
Another shrug. "I wanted to let you come out yourself?"

Toby gave a small laugh. "Easier said than done."
Hannah turned to look at him in the dark, before she said, "Ahh..."

They were silent for a few minutes before Toby spoke up. "You know, I never looked in this before," he said, running his hands over the book in his lap. "Last night was the first time I looked."
Hannah's  eyes fell onto the old, familiar sketchbook. "Really?"
Toby nodded. "Never could do it before."
"How come?"
Toby shrugged. "It hurt, I think."

Hannah nodded. "It hurt to give you those letters back." She gave a small laugh. "Funny, how those scribbles meant the world to us back then, huh?"
"They still do."

Hannah turned to look at him. Toby sighed, before he spoke again. "I'm sorry for what I done to you, Hannah. You never...you never done anything to deserve that."
Hannah shrugged. "I just fell for the wrong person, that's all Toby's . It wasn't fair of me to expect you to feel the same."
Toby's  shook his head. "No, I just...if I didn't feel something, I wouldn't have done all those things we did..."

They were silent again, staring at the book in Toby's   hands.

"I've never had a real relationship, you know?" Toby finally said.
Hannah looked up at him. "Oh?"
Toby nodded. "I tried. I tried to be with other girls, didn't feel right"
"Didn't feel right,"Hannah repeated.
"What about you?"

Hannah sighed. "I was with one guy, Brendon, for a couple of years...never worked out though..."
Toby nodded, trying to ignore the burn in his chest.
"I really am sorry, you know," Hannah said, getting to her feet. "About your grandpa...he was like family to me."
Toby nodded, hoping to God that the tears threatening to spill would wait until Hannah had left. "Thanks."

Hannah nodded and turned to leave, but paused when Toby spoke again.
"I did, you know," Toby said, mentally cursing the tear sliding down his cheek. 
"Did what?" Hannah asked, turning to look at him in the dark.
"Love you. I did. I just didn't know."
Hannah looked at him, and nodded, before he turned, and was gone.

-

Toby still couldn't sleep after Hannah had left. He'd kicked his blankets off, and punched at his pillows, but nothing seemed to work. He couldn't remember the bed being this uncomfortable when he was a kid.

Just as he thought he was about to go crazy, Toby heard his bedroom door creek open and closed.
"Mom?" He asked, leaning up on his elbows, squinting in the dark.

The reply he received was completely different from what he expected, as a pair of familiar lips were on his, so softly, at first he though he was being kissed by the wind. Slowly, they moved against his own, as a weight crept onto the bed, a pair of hands sliding into his hair.

"Hannah," Toby breathed against the older girl's lips. 
"Yeah,"Hannah  said, pulling away slightly. "I'm here."

Toby felt the burning tears begin to slide down his cheeks. "Hannah, I-"
"Tell me you love me," Hannah said, pressing a kiss to his lips, pressing him back against the pillows. "Just...tell me you love me, and it'll all be okay."
"I love you," Toby said, crying freely now, burying his hands in Hannah's vibrant hair. "I love you," kiss, "I love you."

Hannah smiled against his lips. "Be mine? Forever this time?" Toby held her face away, the moonlight shining across it like silver. "Promise."

---

Years later, as Toby and Hannah lay naked, panting against the Summer heat, hands linked, silver bands on wedding fingers, glinting in the morning sun, pouring through the windows, Toby couldn't help but smile, and so fucking thankful for that stupid cat he's chased out of the back garden when he was six years old.