Categories > Games > Disgaea

Emails from the Netherworld

by Tsaiko 1 review

Computers in the Netherworld? What will they think of next...

Category: Disgaea - Rating: PG - Genres: Humor - Characters: Etna, Flonne, Gordon, Jennifer, Laharl, Thursday - Warnings: [!!] - Published: 2005-05-29 - Updated: 2005-05-30 - 1708 words - Complete

"Laharl? Laharl?" If the demon Prince had been around to hear who was calling him, he would have winced. Well, maybe not wince. Truly powerful demons didn't wince. He would have twitched evilly. If he had been around.

But the demon Prince wasn't there, which was why angel trainee Flonne was currently wandering around the Prince's private chambers.

"Laharl? Where are... oh! I didn't know demons had computers." Flonne had learned many interesting things about demons since she had come down here. When she returned to Celestia she was going to educate all the angels on the fact that demons were not that bad. She was going to be the angelic expert on demons!

Flonne might be an expert on demons, but she didn't have quite as much experience with computers. The Seraph had one he sometimes let her use. It was pretty, a pale heavenly blue, and it smiled when you hit the on button. One day the angel trainee would get one of her own. She wanted her computer to be angelic rose.

"Maybe I can use Laharl's computer." Flonee looked at the computer sitting on Laharl's desk. The monitor was a huge flat screen; all sleek line, chrome and matte black finish. The CPU was much the same. Stylized flames decorated the mousepad.

The angel looked at the blank monitor and reached for the mouse. Her hand hovered over it. "Why would a mouse need three buttons?" Filing it away as one of the many strange things about demons, Flonne moved the mouse.

The computer screen remained blank.

"Um... maybe the screen's not on?" Indeed there was no light at the bottom of the screen. Flonne was in the process of looking for the button to turn the computer on when Etna came up.

"Flonne, what are you doing?"

"I'm trying to use Laharl's computer. Do you know how to turn it on?" Flonne was still looking for the elusive screen on button.

"You do know that's the Prince's computer, right?" Etna asked. At that moment, Flonne found a button on the screen. She pressed it. The screen flicked, a malevolent yellow light came on, and that was it.

"I pressed the button! Why is the screen still blank?" Flonne returned to moving the mouse around but stopped when that didn't seem to do anything.

"Have you ever even used a computer before?" Etna asked as Flonne began poking at the screen.

"The Seraph lets me use his computer all the time. I check my email on it."

"Angels have email?"

"Of course. We get it through the Angelic Host."

"I should have seen that coming," Etna said to no one in particular. Flonne had returned to pushing the mouse around. Etna weight the pros (Flonne possibly completely screwing up the Prince's computer) and the cons (the Prince being in a truly foul mood because he couldn't play his on-line games) of leaving the angel at the Prince's computer. She sighed. She really was too nice sometimes. "You know, I have a computer too."

"Really? Can I use it?"

"Sure." As long as I can watch and make sure you don't mess it up. Oh, and while I'm at it, I'll make sure to watch you type in your password so I can get in and send SPAM from your account. That'll make up for being nice to you. Etna hid a grin as she walked towards the door.

Flonne let the computer and followed Etna out the door. "Etna, can I ask you something?"


"Why does the mouse have three buttons instead of one?"

"Mice in Celestia only have one button?"


"Are you sure there are no demons in..." The rest of the sentence was cut off by the closing door. There was a moment of absolute silence. Then...

"Are they done, dood?"

"Sounds like it."

"Let's get to work, dood!"

One prinny emerged from under Laharl's bed. Another came out from the closet. A third pushed open the door to the wardrobe, a laptop computer under one flipper.

"Let's make this quick doods. We don't want the Prince to find us." The prinny from the wardrobe set the laptop on the table, opened it up, and hit the power button. One of the others started messing around behind the Prince's computer. The third prinny took his place beside the door to listen for unexpected guests. It was all very rehearsed. They had done this hundreds of times before.

"Got it!" The prinny came out from behind the labyrinth of wires and cables behind Laharl's computer covered in dust, but triumphantly holding a long cable. This was quickly plugged into the booted laptop. "Is it ready, dood?"

"Almost, dood."

"Doods! Somone's coming!" The prinny by the door raced over to the other two, bat wings fluttering in agitation.

"What is this? Grand Central Station?"

"Shut up and unplug the computer, dood!"

"I'm trying, dood."

"Dooods! Dooods! Dooods!" The last prinny was running around the room, obviously frantic at the idea of being caught. The other two got the laptop free and closed. Then all three prinnies raced to their respective hiding places.

There was a polite knock on the door. "Prince? Are you there?"

"There's no need to knock, Jennifer." The door was pushed open. "I'm sure Laharl won't mind if we just come in to see him."

Gorden, Jennifer, and Thursday entered the Prince's room. It only took Thursday a few moments to state the obvious. "Beep beep He's not here."

"Oh." Jennifer looked slightly crestfallen. "We should probably go."

"Nonsense, Jennifer. Laharl won't mind if we look around." Gordon started exploring the room: poking the bedspread, turning a lamp on and off, picking up a few knickknacks before setting them down in the wrong place, pulling books off the shelves and returning them in the wrong order. In other words, Gordon was making a mess. Jennifer and Thursday shared a look.

"Gordon, maybe you should leave Harley's stuff alone..." Jennifer started. She trailed off when she realized Gordon was completely ignoring her. He'd found the one thing in the room that looked safe and familiar.

The computer.

"A computer!" Gordan spoke as if he had made a great and vital discovery. "I wonder if it has the Intergalatic Wide net on it. I can check my email." The Defender of the Universe immediately started moving the mouse, hoping the computer would magically turn on."

"Gordan, I don't think you should touch the computer."

"Beep beep blip I agree." Thursday stayed far, far away from the computer in question. His two human companion smight not be able to compute the facts, but he knew danger when he saw it. Given where they were, there was a 98.7% probability that the computer was pure evil.

Of course, that meant that there was a 1.3% chance that the computer was nothing more than a computer. Thursday didn't like those odds. He'd remain just close enough to protect Gordan and Jennifer if he had too.

"Nonsense. If I, Captain Gordan Defender of the Earth, can fly a spaceship then surely I can figure out how to work a computer. Now where is the blasted on button?"

"Beep beep beep Isn't it Jennifer that flies the ship?" Thursday said, but Gordan wasn't listening. He was becoming increasingly agitated as he moved the mouse and pushed the button on the screen.

"Gordan, I think you need to push this button." Jennifer reached down and depressed the single, silver button on the CPU. With a soft whirr the screen leapt to life. Lines of white text code, commands and boot procedures chased each other down the screen.

"See? I knew I could do it."

Jennifer sighed.

"Just what do you think you're doing?" Laharl demanded from the doorway. "Hey! Leave my computer alone."

"I was just trying to check my email." If there was the barest hint of a defensive whine in Gordan's voice, everyone chose to ignore it.

"Don't you know that vassals aren't supposed to touch their overlord's stuff?" Laharl said he physically pushed Gordan away from the computer. He typed in a few commands as Gordan sputtered. Jennifer watched the screen over Laharl's shoulder.

"I am not your vassal! I am Captain Gordon, Defender of Earth!"

"Whatever." Laharl made a sound of frustration at what was on the screen. "Stupid piece of junk. You couldn't check your email anyway."

"Why not?"

"The machine isn't connecting to the internet for some reason," Jennifer absently replied.. She studied the commands and error message on the screen. "Harley, are you sure the computer's connection is plugged in."

"Of course I'm sure. Why wouldn't it be plugged in? This thing is just a piece of junk." Laharl nudged the CPU with his foot. The computer responded with a soft, menacing growl. "It just randomly can't find the connection sometimes. It'll be just fine next time. And don't call me Harley!"

"But I want to check my email!"

"Fine, fine. We can go to Etna and demand to use her computer. Sheesh, the things I do to keep my vassals happy," Laharl griped.

"Will she let us use her computer, Harley?"

"Of course! I'm her overlord. HAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Beep beep There is only a 65.7% chance of success."

"Shows what you know you stupid tin can..."

The words faded out as the group left the Prince's room in search of Etna and more importantly, Etna's computer. After a few moments of silence, the prinnies re-emerged.

"That was close, dood!"

"No kidding, dood. Get the connection cable."

"Bring over the laptop, dood. Do you need to boot the computer again?"

"No, I didn't turn it off. I just shut the laptop."

All three prinnies huddled around the laptop as it connected to the internet. The light from the screen washed over them. Laharl's computer still growled softly to itself, plotting revenge. For a moment, everything was strangely surreal.

Then, the lead prinny touched the keyboard with one flipper and opened up the email program. It was time to type their weekly email.

Dear Big Sis,

How is Earth? We hope your reincarnation is going well. You asked us to keep an eye on the Prince. This is what happened this week in the Netherworld...
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