FicWad

A/N: Hey everyone!!!! This is my first frerard story that isn't a one-shot, so please be kind, lol!!!! I would really appreciate it, if you would rate and review!!!! Thankyou for reading! :)
Gerards P.O.V

I lay there, as i did everynight, hoping to suddenly have a dramatic change in my life that would end all this misery, all this darkness, all this loneliness.
I wanted more than anything to get a good nights sleep and to just forget about everything in my life, non of it seemed good or hopeful. I had noticed more
and more recently that i have just wanted people to leave me alone and let me hate myself and everybody else too, it didn't matter where i was, i only
ended up wishing i was back in the comfort of my own room away from everybody. This was down to a number of horrible emotions, guilt for not wanting to be
with my family, for hating them, sadness because i have no plan for a life, a decent one anyway, i worry constantly about school and family, also everytime i
spoke to someone or they spoke to me i just wanted to cry and tell them how bad i was feeling and that life to me was not worth living. But i couldn't, i
couldn't burden a friend or a family member with my problems, that to them were so stupid, so unimportant. Which left me feeling pathetic and insignificant,
but in reality thats all i am, pathetic, insignificant, self-centered, whiny, lazy, stupid and pessimistic, and i seriously think that i'm not the only
person who thinks so. I hate being the way i am but i can't help it, just a couple of months ago i knew i hated my life (i've known for years) but i always
looked to the future, i couldn't wait, i was excited about growing up and living a new, better life! But then it suddenly dawned on me that maybe the
armed forces isn't for me and that there is only really one thing that i want to do, that i've ever really wanted to do, but i have pushed it to the
back of mind because it's stupid and impossible! I have realised that there is no hope for screw-ups like myself in this world and that i should give up now,
that everybody will be better off if i just didn't exist, of course they would, i'm just some insignificant nobody!

* Next morning**

I ended up crying myself to sleep last night (again), this was becoming a regular occurance, and nobody had heard the quiet sobs coming from my room. I
was getting worried myself, this was all getting very out of hand, mom knew about the councilling that school and offered me and that i was miserable from
time to time, but she insisted that there was nothing wrong with me and that it was hormones and growing up. If she only knew how badly it had actually
gotten out of hand, but then again no-one knew really. I kind of liked her thinking the way she did, even though it made me so angry at times, but
this was better for her, she didn't need to be worried and any more dissapointed in me like she already was, like everybody was. Even if i told her, or
anyone else they wouldn't believe me and probably just say i'm attention-seeking. Also, the worst i felt the more i thought about doing stupid stuff,
even if it was only for a minute as i realised how stupid it was, it was popping into my mind more frequently, Self-harming or worse killing myself. As
soon as it was in my head it was out again, but i would never of even imagined of thinking about it before, but now, now was different, now was
worse. I worried myself, i didn't just think about doing it, but i would think about how happy everyone would be, about the mess i would leave, about
how i would do it, what would be the best, the quickest way, and what would be the least or most painful. Recently my personality in general had become
darker, i drew morbid, scary, depressing pictures and my thoughts were pretty much the same and it was driving me insane. Blood, gore, sadness, death,
pain, crying, drugs, alcohol, anything that wasn't happy. God, i can't remember the last time i had a really happy thought!