FicWad

I lie, and I lie and I lie.

I lie when I say I hate you, when I say I love you and when I say I want you away from me.

I don't hate you, and I certainly don't love you, but I want you near me. Well, maybe I'm lying again. Maybe I just can't say it, maybe I just can't accept that I hate loving you. but that's not it, can't be it. I can't love you, no, I don't love you. I hate you. I hate you with envy thing I've got. And I love you too.

I'm lying. I'm lying so much, I don't even know if I hate you or love you anymore. Maybe I'm not lying. Maybe it's all true. Maybe I love you, maybe I hate you and maybe I want you near me. No, I'm lying. I had to be lying. Of course I'm lying, I always lie. Or is that a lie? Do I not lie?

There are so many lies, so many things to sort out and is it the truth? Maybe I'm not busy, maybe I have nothing to sort out. Maybe there's nothing wrong with me, maybe these men in white suits aren't actually coming for me. But of course they're coming for me, they'll never stop coming for me why do they keep coming for me!?!

Or is it a lie? A they not coming for me, are they not searching for me or are they? What's real, what's the truth. Certainly it's not me, certainly it's not this mess I have become. Certainly not, most certainly not. It can't be. Or can it? Can it be true that I love my brother? No, I can't love Mikey. But then is it true that I had him? I don't want to hate Mikey. I like Mikey. Or do I? Do I like him? Do I love him? There has to be a truth somewhere, why can't I find it? Why can't I find how I feel about my brother, my savior and my everything? Is he even my everything? I don't know. I don't.

Everything could be a lie. I don't know what's tue, I don't know what's false. I don't know what is a lie and it's killing me. I just... I just can't. Can't function. When you don't know one grain of truth, when you don't know even one puny fact you know nothing. I know nothing. I know nothing. 

I can't love him, I can't hate him because I don't know what information is falsified, shoved into my brain by them. They're never going to find me again, never. They're never going to be able to steal the secrets in my head, never find out the deepest things only I can ever know. 

I just know things, I know secrets and they can't learn them. 

But what if I don't know things? What if knowing things is just a lie and I'm clueless? What if they aren't real? Of course they're real. they're coming after me. They're going to find me and steal my secrets, take me away from the one I love most and kill me.

That's right. I do love Mikey.

I love him more than anything, I love him more than I should. I'm sick, I'm vile. Disgusting. Or am I?