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Ryan needed Brendon.
His skin.
His face.
His taste.
But that will never happen. Never again.
All because of a petty fight.
A petty fight that wasn't so petty.
Ryan left the band because of it.
Ryan and Brendon broke up because of it.
Brendon has a new boyfriend because of it.
A new boyfriend.
A new boyfriend.
Dallon.
A new boyfriend named Dallon.
Did Dallon cook for Brendon? Did Dallon clean for Brendon? Did Dallon love Brendon just the way he liked it, just the way Ryan did? Was Ryan even worth remembering next to Dallon, Dallon who plays bass, Dallon who filled Jon's spot, Dallon with the prettier face, Dallon Dallon Dallon.
But Ryan.
Ryan helped Brendon come out of the closet.
Ryan helped Brendon through every tough day at school.
Ryan helped Brendon every time he was sick.
Brendon was nothing without Ryan.
Ryan was nothing without Brendon.
Ryan was nothing without Brendon.
Ryan could call Brendon.
What if Ryan called Brendon?
Would it be awkward?
Would Brendon still be mad?
Would it be like old times, would they laugh, would they cry, would they joke, would it be like old times?
No.
Brendon must've changed his number.
Brendon didn't want to talk to Ryan.
Brendon had Dallon.
But Ryan had Spencer's number.
Ryan could call Spencer.
Spencer didn't hate Ryan.
Would Spencer let Ryan talk to Brendon?
Would Spencer hang up and never mention it again?
Does Spencer hate Ryan?
Ryan hated himself.
Ryan let this happen.
This was Ryan's fault.
Ryan never told Brendon.
Brendon meant so much to Ryan.
Ryan was nothing without Brendon.
Why was Ryan still here?
Why didn't he just end it?
No.
But no one would miss Ryan.
But Brendon would never know.
Brendon will never know anyway.
Yes.
Ryan could end it.
Ryan would end it.
Ryan will end it.
Should he leave a note?
Would that be too cliché?
Could anyone understand?
Ryan needs Brendon.
Brendon wouldn't let Ryan hurt himself.
Brendon cried whenever Ryan cut.
Brendon didn't love Ryan anymore.
Brendon didn't care what Ryan did.
Ryan could cut.
Ryan could cry.
Ryan could die.
Ryan will cut.
Ryan will cry.
Ryan will die.
Ryan will die.
Ryan will die.
Ryan heard a knock on his door.
Who wanted to see him?
No one cared about Ryan.
Ryan was nothing.
Ryan was pathetic.
Ryan was useless.
Ryan was scum.
They want Ryan dead.
They will be happier.
No one cared about Ryan.
The knock.
It won't stop.
Again.
Now a voice.
From inside?
Is the person inside?
It didn't matter.
Ryan was bleeding.
He couldn't stand.
He couldn't see straight.
It wasn't deep enough.
It was the only thing he had energy to do.
Cut.
He could go deeper.
He will go deeper.
Deeper.
Deeper.
Do you hear that?
The sweet sound.
The sweet sound of his flesh being ripped apart.
Ryan loved that sound.
It was so quiet.
You have to be quiet.
If you're loud Ryan can't hear it.
But he could.
He was silent.
He could hear his flesh.
It meant death.
Death was near.
Death was coming.
Death was almost here.
That voice.
What was it saying?
Ryan.
Ryan?
Ryan heard his name.
He saw Brendon's face.
His face.
He was dead.
Brendon was his angel.
Does this mean Brendon was dead?
Ryan was looking at Brendon.
No.
Brendon will never die.
Brendon has to know.
Brendon has to know how much he means to Ryan.
But Brendon doesn’t care.
Brendon doesn’t love Ryan anymore.
Brendon loves Dallon.
Dallon.
Dallon.
Brendon loves Dallon.
Ryan couldn’t stay awake much longer.
Not for another second.
Ryan didn’t see anything.
Was he asleep?
Was he dead?
Was Ryan Ross dead?
Is this what death was like?
Seeing nothing, but still conscious?
Ryan didn’t like death.
Ryan wanted an escape.
This isn’t what Ryan wanted.
How long has it been?
A minute?
An hour?
A day?
A week?
Ryan wanted to be alive.
Brendon will never know.
Brendon will never know how much he meant to Ryan.
More than Dallon does to Brendon.
Dallon.
Does Dallon know?
Is he glad?
Is this what Dallon was waiting for?
Dallon loves Brendon.
Brendon loves Dallon.
Ryan was forgotten.
Ryan was nothing.
Ryan was dead.
What was this?
Ryan saw white.
Ryan saw white, a white light.
Was he in heaven?
Ryan should go to hell.
Ryan saw a face.
His angel.
His angel who looked like Brendon.
Oh Brendon.
Oh Brendon.
Brendon.
Brendon was so nice. So sweet. So pretty. So perfect.
Ryan’s angel looked like Brendon.
Brendon Urie.
Ryan would never be Ryan Urie.
Ryan would always be Ryan Ross.
Ryan Ross is dead.
“Ryan. Ryan are you awake? Say something. Ryan.”
His angel wanted him to speak.
Why?
They had eternity.
“You’re scaring me. Ryan. RYAN. RYAN!”
His angel was leaving.
People in white were taking him away.
No.
That wasn’t fair.
Ryan needed his angel.
His angel who looked like Brendon Urie.
“No. No. Stay.” Ryan said.
His own voice scared him.
So hollow.
So broken.
So far away.
But his angel heard him.
“Ryan.”
His angel was crying.
Was Ryan dead?
Was this real life?
No.
Ryan was dead.
Ryan Ross was dead.
“I’m sorry baby. I miss you. No one will ever replace you.”
His angel was speaking.
It was sorry.
Why was it sorry?
“Say something. Ryan. I know you can. Please. Promise me you’ll never try this again. Promise me, Ry.”
No.
His angel wouldn’t call him Ry.
Brendon.
Brendon would call him Ry.
Brendon.
This is Brendon.
“Brendon.”
“Ryan.”
“You hate me. I’m nothing.”
“Baby.” Brendon looked sad.
Why was Brendon sad?
Brendon would be happier if Ryan was dead.
Brendon wishes Ryan was dead.
Ryan needs to go.
Ryan needs to go die.
Ryan needs to go die to make Brendon happy.
“When I get out I’ll do it. I’m sorry. I’m sorry it didn’t work this time. I’m sorry. I’m sorry I’m not Dallon. Dallon is better. Dallon loves you. You belong with Dallon.”
There.
Now Brendon can be happy.
Ryan promised him death.
Brendon can be with Dallon.
“No baby. That’s not what I want. Fuck Dallon. I love you Ry. My Ry. My love. Ryan.”
Was this Ryan’s dream?
Ryan often dreamt of this.
No. This was real. Brendon loved him. Brendon loved Ryan.
Brendon loved Ryan.
Brendon loved Ryan.
Brendon loved Ryan.
Ryan wanted to live.
For Brendon.
A YEAR LATER
It had been a year.
A long amount of time but so short.
Ryan spent 5 months in a mental institution.
He got out because of good behavior.
Brendon visited him every day.
The Young Veins and Panic! at the Disco were now touring together.
Ryan couldn't be in the band again.
Dallon wouldn't let him.
Dallon.
Dallon hated Ryan.
He made it clear.
Ryan stole Brendon.
Ryan lived through his suicide attempt.
Ryan was engaged to Brendon.
Ryan was engaged to Brendon.
Brendon asked him the day he got out.
They were at Taco Bell.
Such a common place for such an uncommon occurrence.
Ryan said yes.
The fans knew.
They loved it.
They want Ryan back.
They want Ryan back in Panic.
But Ryan was happier out.
Dallon would leave if Ryan rejoined.
Dallon.
What would become of Dallon?
He’ll be a family friend.
Like Spencer.
Spencer loved Ryan.
Spencer was Ryan’s best friend.
Ryan was happy with his life.
His life with Brendon.
Brendon Urie.
Brendon knows.
Brendon knows how much he means to Ryan.
Ryan.
Ryan soon-to-be Urie.
Ryan lived.
Ryan Ross lived.