Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > Trust Me
A/N: For those who don't remember, sushi was the safety word from the very first chapter, when they first agreed to the deal. Gerard was supposed to say "sushi" if Frank was hurting him too much lol. There's quite a bit from that first chapter that ties into the ending, which is now. :)
I'm sorry I didn't get to update 100 Ways this week. I got a bit a sick and swamped with schoolwork as well. But at least I got to finish this off.
So here you are.
The Drop
Gerard went for a drive. The city lights flew past him like low flying shooting stars. They illuminated the whiteness of his knuckles as he gripped the steering wheel, wrestling with it as he went along.
After about thirty minutes, he found the place he was looking for. To be honest, he wasn't sure that he had been looking for it -- but once his eyes rested on the sign that said Meryl's Place in bright white lights, he knew that this was where he wanted to be. He found a parking spot and got out his phone.
His eyebrow raised when the saw that he already had three missed calls from Frank. Clearly, his guitarist was worried. Gerard debated calling him back before deciding that a little worry never hurt anyone. Slightly sadistic, perhaps, but Gerard wasn't in the most sympathetic of moods. He cleared the notifications and went into his text messages.
There, below about ten others from different people, was a text message from his old friend. It read: I saw you guys were in the same state as we are this weekend, stop by Meryl's for a drink?
While Gerard had never replied to the message, although he had received it around four days ago, he knew he would still be in there. Having confirmed he was at the right bar, Gerard stepped out of his car and went inside.
The boom of the chatter inside hit him at the same time as the smell of mixed drinks. Lame strobe lights lit up red walls. Girls in little black dresses sipping at their cocktails, taking pictures with their girlfriends. Men in blazers and drenched in cologne going around, trying to scout for women drunk enough to put out. Gerard kept his head low, his eyes searching. The place was small, so he figured he would not have to look hard.
At last he found him at a table that held no food, but supported many empty glasses.
His old friend looked up at him with a start.
"Gerard."
"Bert."
Bert looked surprised more than he did happy, but that made sense. Gerard had, up till now, declined nearly every invitation that Bert had shot out to him whenever their bands happened to be touring in the same town... or whenever they were merely at home, with nothing to do.
But it had never been that Gerard held any animosity towards Bert, or much negativity at all. It was simply the fact that Gerard had felt that hanging out after such a long period of hating each other might turn out to be awkward, kind of like it was this very moment. Yet the situation that Gerard had found himself in was rather awkward already, and he felt as though Bert might be the only one who he could talk it out with without things getting even more awkward.
"It's a subdrop."
"A what?"
Fifteen minutes later they had went outside, into the cold air of the parking lot. They had found a private corner where they could hear each other talk. Gerard had then explained everything that had happened in the last few weeks, and they were currently mulling it over while puffing at cigarettes, blowing clouds of smoke in each other's faces.
"A subdrop is what a submissive experiences after having a really, really good time with their dominant. It's a BDSM thing that has something to do with endorphins and shit. You can google it, because I don't remember the specifics. But basically you get sky high, usually after a really intense fuck, and then you crash like a car falling off the top of the empire state building." Bert explained.
Gerard stared. He hadn't expected Bert to have an explanation for this, but he thanked his intuition for bringing him there that night. "So.. I'm not..."
"...in love?" Bert smirked playfully, and Gerard flushed. "Nah, you're just a little messed up right now, chemically. But don't worry. Subdrops are temporary. How long did you say you've been feeling like this?"
"About 2 days now." Gerard recalled.
"Wow, I have to say, that's pretty long. Usually they last one day. But don't worry, it'll pass."
"You sound like you know a lot about the subject." Gerard couldn't help but remark.
Bert thrusted his eyebrows upwards, looking really amused now. Gerard recognized that look from back when Bert used to flirt with him, on those summer nights when they would sneak out of their buses to get high together.
"I've been told I've put it on a few people." He said proudly. Gerard chortled, a small smile creeping on his lips.
"Says who?"
"Tons of ladies."
"Fuck off."
The two men laughed, and Gerard went on to update Bert about other things in his life. He certainly did not want to make it seem like he came to see him just for that.
But he did feel much more willing to talk about different subjects, because that moment had been the first moment in days when his little problem hadn't consumed the whole of his mind. Finally, he had the relief of the truth, and it was even a good truth.
He was not in love with Frank Iero.
By the time he came back to the hotel, everyone was asleep. At least, it was both quiet and late enough for him to assume so.
He opened the door to his room, absolutely exhausted after such an emotional rollercoaster, the show they had played that night felt like a lifetime ago.
He nearly began to undress just before he noticed Frank was still sitting on his bed. Gerard jumped back in his surprise, his eyes wide. He disliked it when living things seemed to suddenly materialize before him, especially in semi dark rooms.
"Hi." Frank said lamely, giving Gerard a small wave of his hand.
"Hey." Gerard returned, backing away from the bed that he had yearned for so much just moments ago. "It's 5 dude, we have to be up in like an hour. What are you still doing here?"
"Waiting for you." Frank answered bluntly. "I was worried. Where did you go?"
"I went to go talk to someone." Gerard looked away from Frank as he said it, trying to sound casual, but feeling oddly ashamed.
"Bert, right?" Frank asked, "You don't have to hide it from me, I know they're in town right now. Plus, who else would you have gone out to talk to? Everyone else you know is here."
"Yeah, Bert." Gerard sighed, "He invited me for a few drinks."
He saw that Frank was giving him that scrutinizing look again, and he quickly added, "I didn't have any drinks though. We just talked."
"About what?"
"Why are you interrogating me?"
Gerard had a hint of a tone when he asked it, so that it almost came out snappishly. Frank bit his lip, but Gerard did not apologize for it.
"Well..." Frank started, "I see you all cut up, you walk out on me in a hissy fit, and suddenly you're off having drinks with Bert McCracken, a man you haven't willingly gone out to meet in years. Clearly, something is going on that is worth interrogating about."
"I told you, I didn't drink anything." Gerard reminded him pointedly before saying, "I honestly don't know Frankie...for a moment there, I guess... I just got a little too attached to you."
The words were easy to say then, because at last Gerard had the comfort of knowing that it didn't have anything to do with romantic feelings, or notions of love. Unlike before, when even coming close to the idea scared the bejeezus out of him.
"Elaborate." Frank folded his arms, looking quite interested despite how tired he had seemed just moments ago.
"Oh well, it's okay now." Gerard explained, "Bert explained everything. It's a subdrop."
"A subdrop?"
"Yeah, you know --- 'cause we were doing all that BDSM stuff. A subdrop is when a submissive becomes sort of addicted to their dominant after a really good time, and then when it's over, they go through kind of a depression or withdrawal. That's the subdrop." Gerard smiled, "For a minute there Frankie, I actually thought I might be falling for ya. It's why I cut again. I was freaking out and I couldn't look to you for the solution, because you were already the problem."
Frank looked baffled by all this. "Really? Wow.", he blinked, looking deep in thought.
"You never experienced it?" Gerard asked, "When you did this stuff with Jamia?"
Frank smiled at this.
"Well, that wouldn't be a problem, Gee, as Jamia lived with me either way. But no, I never had anything like that with her."
"I see. Then what got you guys to stop? With the BDSM?" Gerard pressed on.
"Who says we did?" Frank shot back.
"Oh..." Gerard backed down, and a silence settled between them. It lasted for a few minutes, and only broke when Frank let out a yawn, reminding them both how tired they were.
"So...is this the end?" Frank approached the elephant in the room.
Gerard pouted slightly, went to the bed, and sat down next to Frank.
"Well, I always like doing stuff with you..." he said, emphasizing the word 'stuff', "...but the way I got over the past few days was pretty scary. I still feel kinda weird. And I don't... I don't want to risk this ever getting in the way of our friendship, because our friendship is literally one of the best things in my life. So, I guess... yeah, we are."
Frank nodded, and Gerard saw understanding and sympathy in his eyes. He was grateful for it, and put a hand on Frank's shoulder.
"...Are you still going to cut?" Frank asked next, ruining the moment slightly. Gerard did not feel like answering such a question, but Frank deserved an honest answer.
"I really don't know." he shrugged.
"Well, I guess I can't stop you." Frank sighed, "But I trust that you'll be careful if you do. And just know that I'd rather you don't."
"I'll keep that in mind." was all Gerard said. "You're okay with this right?"
Frank looked startled by the question before tentatively answering, "Yeah... yeah of course I'm okay with it. We were just doing this just for you, after all."
"So... it was really just sex?"
"Well yeah, Gerard, it was just sex." Frank gave an expression that screamed the word 'duh!'. Gerard smiled at him, feeling a little relieved that Frank wasn't more upset by this, but a little of something else too. Was it... disappointment?
"Alright, well I guess it's off to bed then." said Frank suddenly. He got up from the bed, and grabbed the bag of toys that had been unopened that night. Gerard stared at it, unable to shake feelings of regret and remorse. It was almost as though he was breaking up with the toys, as well as he was with Frank.
"Goodnight." Frank muttered sleepily, snapping Gerard out of his reverie.
"Night." Gerard replied, "...And thank you for everything you did for me. I appreciate it, I really do."
Frank turned back to him and smiled, his hand stopped on the doorknob.
"Well, it was a good run."
He opened the door and left.
Gerard tucked himself into bed. His eyes momentarily drifted to the drawer with his razorblades. His hand twitched.
But he turned over instead, to the side away from the drawer view. As he drifted off to sleep, he made a mental note to start sharing hotel rooms with Mikey again.
Maybe he couldn't always trust himself, but there were other forms of self control.
EPILOUGE
Almost two years later, Gerard would find himself alone with Jamia.
She was talking to him in the kitchen he helped her prepare and arrange snacks for a gathering that was about to take place at the Iero's. Since Frank was still asleep, she had found it a prime opportunity to bring up all her problems with him. Minor, things-that-irk-me-about-my-spouse kind of problems, but Gerard tried to be a good listener either way. The other wives would not be here for another three hours -- and Gerard was only there because he had slept over the night before.
She began to go on about his slight selfishness in bed, how he always insisted on thing's he wanted without ever asking her what she wanted.
Gerard was suddenly stricken with memories of one tour, where Frank used to come over to his hotel room with a bag of tricks in his hand. Curious, he tried to find a way to vocalize his thoughts without giving out too much information.
"Yeah, a few weeks back," Gerard began, "Frank and I were talking about bondage -- you know, BDSM kind of stuff -- um, Lindsey likes it sometimes. Do you guys ever...?"
He stared at Jamia, expecting her to spill on the subject. She had always been an open book to her close friends. But she only looked confused.
"What? Me and Frank? Oh god no, we've never done that kind of stuff." Jamia grimaced as though she smelled something foul, "I'm really surprised Lindsey would like that. She's never said anything. If Frank ever suggested any form of BDSM or bondage or whatever to me, he'd be feeling some pain, alright -- but certainly not the good kind."
Gerard frowned, quite confused. "So you've never done any form of bondage? At all?"
"Nope. Never." Jamia responded quickly. Her eyes studied him and then narrowed slightly, as though a suspicious thought had occurred to her. He may have been imagining it, but he never knew for sure, as she walked away just a second later.
Gerard sighed and helped himself to a tortilla chip, realizing Frank Iero had lied to get in his pants.
END
I'm sorry I didn't get to update 100 Ways this week. I got a bit a sick and swamped with schoolwork as well. But at least I got to finish this off.
So here you are.
The Drop
Gerard went for a drive. The city lights flew past him like low flying shooting stars. They illuminated the whiteness of his knuckles as he gripped the steering wheel, wrestling with it as he went along.
After about thirty minutes, he found the place he was looking for. To be honest, he wasn't sure that he had been looking for it -- but once his eyes rested on the sign that said Meryl's Place in bright white lights, he knew that this was where he wanted to be. He found a parking spot and got out his phone.
His eyebrow raised when the saw that he already had three missed calls from Frank. Clearly, his guitarist was worried. Gerard debated calling him back before deciding that a little worry never hurt anyone. Slightly sadistic, perhaps, but Gerard wasn't in the most sympathetic of moods. He cleared the notifications and went into his text messages.
There, below about ten others from different people, was a text message from his old friend. It read: I saw you guys were in the same state as we are this weekend, stop by Meryl's for a drink?
While Gerard had never replied to the message, although he had received it around four days ago, he knew he would still be in there. Having confirmed he was at the right bar, Gerard stepped out of his car and went inside.
The boom of the chatter inside hit him at the same time as the smell of mixed drinks. Lame strobe lights lit up red walls. Girls in little black dresses sipping at their cocktails, taking pictures with their girlfriends. Men in blazers and drenched in cologne going around, trying to scout for women drunk enough to put out. Gerard kept his head low, his eyes searching. The place was small, so he figured he would not have to look hard.
At last he found him at a table that held no food, but supported many empty glasses.
His old friend looked up at him with a start.
"Gerard."
"Bert."
Bert looked surprised more than he did happy, but that made sense. Gerard had, up till now, declined nearly every invitation that Bert had shot out to him whenever their bands happened to be touring in the same town... or whenever they were merely at home, with nothing to do.
But it had never been that Gerard held any animosity towards Bert, or much negativity at all. It was simply the fact that Gerard had felt that hanging out after such a long period of hating each other might turn out to be awkward, kind of like it was this very moment. Yet the situation that Gerard had found himself in was rather awkward already, and he felt as though Bert might be the only one who he could talk it out with without things getting even more awkward.
"It's a subdrop."
"A what?"
Fifteen minutes later they had went outside, into the cold air of the parking lot. They had found a private corner where they could hear each other talk. Gerard had then explained everything that had happened in the last few weeks, and they were currently mulling it over while puffing at cigarettes, blowing clouds of smoke in each other's faces.
"A subdrop is what a submissive experiences after having a really, really good time with their dominant. It's a BDSM thing that has something to do with endorphins and shit. You can google it, because I don't remember the specifics. But basically you get sky high, usually after a really intense fuck, and then you crash like a car falling off the top of the empire state building." Bert explained.
Gerard stared. He hadn't expected Bert to have an explanation for this, but he thanked his intuition for bringing him there that night. "So.. I'm not..."
"...in love?" Bert smirked playfully, and Gerard flushed. "Nah, you're just a little messed up right now, chemically. But don't worry. Subdrops are temporary. How long did you say you've been feeling like this?"
"About 2 days now." Gerard recalled.
"Wow, I have to say, that's pretty long. Usually they last one day. But don't worry, it'll pass."
"You sound like you know a lot about the subject." Gerard couldn't help but remark.
Bert thrusted his eyebrows upwards, looking really amused now. Gerard recognized that look from back when Bert used to flirt with him, on those summer nights when they would sneak out of their buses to get high together.
"I've been told I've put it on a few people." He said proudly. Gerard chortled, a small smile creeping on his lips.
"Says who?"
"Tons of ladies."
"Fuck off."
The two men laughed, and Gerard went on to update Bert about other things in his life. He certainly did not want to make it seem like he came to see him just for that.
But he did feel much more willing to talk about different subjects, because that moment had been the first moment in days when his little problem hadn't consumed the whole of his mind. Finally, he had the relief of the truth, and it was even a good truth.
He was not in love with Frank Iero.
By the time he came back to the hotel, everyone was asleep. At least, it was both quiet and late enough for him to assume so.
He opened the door to his room, absolutely exhausted after such an emotional rollercoaster, the show they had played that night felt like a lifetime ago.
He nearly began to undress just before he noticed Frank was still sitting on his bed. Gerard jumped back in his surprise, his eyes wide. He disliked it when living things seemed to suddenly materialize before him, especially in semi dark rooms.
"Hi." Frank said lamely, giving Gerard a small wave of his hand.
"Hey." Gerard returned, backing away from the bed that he had yearned for so much just moments ago. "It's 5 dude, we have to be up in like an hour. What are you still doing here?"
"Waiting for you." Frank answered bluntly. "I was worried. Where did you go?"
"I went to go talk to someone." Gerard looked away from Frank as he said it, trying to sound casual, but feeling oddly ashamed.
"Bert, right?" Frank asked, "You don't have to hide it from me, I know they're in town right now. Plus, who else would you have gone out to talk to? Everyone else you know is here."
"Yeah, Bert." Gerard sighed, "He invited me for a few drinks."
He saw that Frank was giving him that scrutinizing look again, and he quickly added, "I didn't have any drinks though. We just talked."
"About what?"
"Why are you interrogating me?"
Gerard had a hint of a tone when he asked it, so that it almost came out snappishly. Frank bit his lip, but Gerard did not apologize for it.
"Well..." Frank started, "I see you all cut up, you walk out on me in a hissy fit, and suddenly you're off having drinks with Bert McCracken, a man you haven't willingly gone out to meet in years. Clearly, something is going on that is worth interrogating about."
"I told you, I didn't drink anything." Gerard reminded him pointedly before saying, "I honestly don't know Frankie...for a moment there, I guess... I just got a little too attached to you."
The words were easy to say then, because at last Gerard had the comfort of knowing that it didn't have anything to do with romantic feelings, or notions of love. Unlike before, when even coming close to the idea scared the bejeezus out of him.
"Elaborate." Frank folded his arms, looking quite interested despite how tired he had seemed just moments ago.
"Oh well, it's okay now." Gerard explained, "Bert explained everything. It's a subdrop."
"A subdrop?"
"Yeah, you know --- 'cause we were doing all that BDSM stuff. A subdrop is when a submissive becomes sort of addicted to their dominant after a really good time, and then when it's over, they go through kind of a depression or withdrawal. That's the subdrop." Gerard smiled, "For a minute there Frankie, I actually thought I might be falling for ya. It's why I cut again. I was freaking out and I couldn't look to you for the solution, because you were already the problem."
Frank looked baffled by all this. "Really? Wow.", he blinked, looking deep in thought.
"You never experienced it?" Gerard asked, "When you did this stuff with Jamia?"
Frank smiled at this.
"Well, that wouldn't be a problem, Gee, as Jamia lived with me either way. But no, I never had anything like that with her."
"I see. Then what got you guys to stop? With the BDSM?" Gerard pressed on.
"Who says we did?" Frank shot back.
"Oh..." Gerard backed down, and a silence settled between them. It lasted for a few minutes, and only broke when Frank let out a yawn, reminding them both how tired they were.
"So...is this the end?" Frank approached the elephant in the room.
Gerard pouted slightly, went to the bed, and sat down next to Frank.
"Well, I always like doing stuff with you..." he said, emphasizing the word 'stuff', "...but the way I got over the past few days was pretty scary. I still feel kinda weird. And I don't... I don't want to risk this ever getting in the way of our friendship, because our friendship is literally one of the best things in my life. So, I guess... yeah, we are."
Frank nodded, and Gerard saw understanding and sympathy in his eyes. He was grateful for it, and put a hand on Frank's shoulder.
"...Are you still going to cut?" Frank asked next, ruining the moment slightly. Gerard did not feel like answering such a question, but Frank deserved an honest answer.
"I really don't know." he shrugged.
"Well, I guess I can't stop you." Frank sighed, "But I trust that you'll be careful if you do. And just know that I'd rather you don't."
"I'll keep that in mind." was all Gerard said. "You're okay with this right?"
Frank looked startled by the question before tentatively answering, "Yeah... yeah of course I'm okay with it. We were just doing this just for you, after all."
"So... it was really just sex?"
"Well yeah, Gerard, it was just sex." Frank gave an expression that screamed the word 'duh!'. Gerard smiled at him, feeling a little relieved that Frank wasn't more upset by this, but a little of something else too. Was it... disappointment?
"Alright, well I guess it's off to bed then." said Frank suddenly. He got up from the bed, and grabbed the bag of toys that had been unopened that night. Gerard stared at it, unable to shake feelings of regret and remorse. It was almost as though he was breaking up with the toys, as well as he was with Frank.
"Goodnight." Frank muttered sleepily, snapping Gerard out of his reverie.
"Night." Gerard replied, "...And thank you for everything you did for me. I appreciate it, I really do."
Frank turned back to him and smiled, his hand stopped on the doorknob.
"Well, it was a good run."
He opened the door and left.
Gerard tucked himself into bed. His eyes momentarily drifted to the drawer with his razorblades. His hand twitched.
But he turned over instead, to the side away from the drawer view. As he drifted off to sleep, he made a mental note to start sharing hotel rooms with Mikey again.
Maybe he couldn't always trust himself, but there were other forms of self control.
EPILOUGE
Almost two years later, Gerard would find himself alone with Jamia.
She was talking to him in the kitchen he helped her prepare and arrange snacks for a gathering that was about to take place at the Iero's. Since Frank was still asleep, she had found it a prime opportunity to bring up all her problems with him. Minor, things-that-irk-me-about-my-spouse kind of problems, but Gerard tried to be a good listener either way. The other wives would not be here for another three hours -- and Gerard was only there because he had slept over the night before.
She began to go on about his slight selfishness in bed, how he always insisted on thing's he wanted without ever asking her what she wanted.
Gerard was suddenly stricken with memories of one tour, where Frank used to come over to his hotel room with a bag of tricks in his hand. Curious, he tried to find a way to vocalize his thoughts without giving out too much information.
"Yeah, a few weeks back," Gerard began, "Frank and I were talking about bondage -- you know, BDSM kind of stuff -- um, Lindsey likes it sometimes. Do you guys ever...?"
He stared at Jamia, expecting her to spill on the subject. She had always been an open book to her close friends. But she only looked confused.
"What? Me and Frank? Oh god no, we've never done that kind of stuff." Jamia grimaced as though she smelled something foul, "I'm really surprised Lindsey would like that. She's never said anything. If Frank ever suggested any form of BDSM or bondage or whatever to me, he'd be feeling some pain, alright -- but certainly not the good kind."
Gerard frowned, quite confused. "So you've never done any form of bondage? At all?"
"Nope. Never." Jamia responded quickly. Her eyes studied him and then narrowed slightly, as though a suspicious thought had occurred to her. He may have been imagining it, but he never knew for sure, as she walked away just a second later.
Gerard sighed and helped himself to a tortilla chip, realizing Frank Iero had lied to get in his pants.
END
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