Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > Forbidden Desires
-You're Not As Brave As You Were At The Start.-
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(Kassidy's POV)
Ryan's soft snores filled my bedroom and I reached out, hitting my music player in order to make it stop. All I wanted to hear was Ryan, nothing could compare.
Kyle honestly meant nothing to me. I wasn't even sure why I was so upset. Maybe it was because I could never have who I truly wanted. He was too flawless for me... Too charmingly breathtaking.
Oh, and he was my brother.
So I'm one hundred percent sure that the idea of even being with me would make him vomit continuously for days on end because you know, incest is wrong.
Ryan's words haunted me. He had a beautiful way of putting everything but unfortunately things in life weren't so easy. What was taboo didn't suddenly become accepted, just because you felt something that you couldn't seem to shake.
It started at the beginning of the year. I began to realize, thanks to all of my friends, that Ryan really was quite attractive. That mixed with his protective behavior... I became interested. Then I realized that everything I looked for in a guy... Ryan had. Maybe I just looked up to Ryan. I mean, he was my older brother but... sometimes I wondered...
Maybe it was because I was adopted.
Did all adopted kids get crushes on their siblings? Poor kids. Feeling like this sucked. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, despite how much I hated them... not that I really hated anyone.
Slowly I lifted myself out of bed, away from Ryan's warm embrace. My footsteps were barely heard as I made my way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. Ryan's snoring didn't stop.
I wasn’t sure where I was heading or why I was even leaving the warmth of my bed but I ended up in the bathroom, and that felt somewhat right.
Right now with all of the conflicting emotions coursing through my body I felt as if I needed to space myself from Ryan. I wanted to be near him all the time but that route wouldn’t make things any easier.
I had to figure out how I felt and if I did actually feel for Ryan then I had to... stop. The idea of anyone in the world becoming accepting of a brother and sister being together was so out of reach. It would probably never happen. Plus, I wasn’t really for making a new trend of some sort. I didn’t want to start something new. I just wanted to be accepted. Being a teenager was hard enough. I didn’t want to throw extra kinks in to my life.
I just didn’t want to feel like this anymore.
I couldn’t handle it.
My eyes fell upon the razor I used to shave my legs with. Horrifying thoughts of dissembling it to use it for a different purpose flashed through my mind.
I almost did it.
I almost reached forward and attempted to cut myself.
What good would that do though? It would cause me pain.
Pain wouldn’t change a damn thing.
The problem with me wasn’t physical but instead mental. I couldn’t cut my emotions out of me.
“Kassidy?”
I cleared my throat, trying to hide my horrible thoughts. I knew sometimes I had the habit of portraying my emotions through my facial expressions. That wouldn’t be helpful at the moment. “I’m in the bathroom Ryan.” I called back, silently cursing myself over the tone used.
Why could I never hide anything from Ryan?
“What’s wrong?” Ryan appeared in the doorway. His hair was sleepily messed up, causing him to look even cuter than usual. Sometimes I wondered why he even bothered styling it when he didn’t need to in order to look good...
“Nothing.” I smiled, attempting to hide the feelings I couldn’t seem to stop feeling.
“What’s going on?” Ryan frowned, “You’re lying to me and that isn’t something you’d normally do.”
“I can’t tell you everything.” I shot back, hating the fact that I seemed to be picking fights with Ryan lately. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do but when he got close to the truth I wasn’t sure what else I could possibly do to avert his attention.
“Why not?”
“Because you’re my brother, not my friend.”
Oh god. The look on his face hurt me more than anything else in this world could. I didn’t mean that. Ryan was my best friend. Why couldn’t I take the words back though?
“Oh.” Ryan suddenly looked uncomfortable. “Well I’m sorry for overstepping my boundaries then.” I didn’t want him to leave but I said nothing to stop him.
My bedroom door shut and I slid to the floor, hating myself.
This had to be for the best though.
Maybe if I spent a little less time with Ryan then my feelings for him would begin to feel natural.
Maybe then I’d love him in the way that I was supposed to.
***
(Sorry that it’s so short. I updated because of the review I received. Thank you, btw. I had almost given the story up.)
****
(Kassidy's POV)
Ryan's soft snores filled my bedroom and I reached out, hitting my music player in order to make it stop. All I wanted to hear was Ryan, nothing could compare.
Kyle honestly meant nothing to me. I wasn't even sure why I was so upset. Maybe it was because I could never have who I truly wanted. He was too flawless for me... Too charmingly breathtaking.
Oh, and he was my brother.
So I'm one hundred percent sure that the idea of even being with me would make him vomit continuously for days on end because you know, incest is wrong.
Ryan's words haunted me. He had a beautiful way of putting everything but unfortunately things in life weren't so easy. What was taboo didn't suddenly become accepted, just because you felt something that you couldn't seem to shake.
It started at the beginning of the year. I began to realize, thanks to all of my friends, that Ryan really was quite attractive. That mixed with his protective behavior... I became interested. Then I realized that everything I looked for in a guy... Ryan had. Maybe I just looked up to Ryan. I mean, he was my older brother but... sometimes I wondered...
Maybe it was because I was adopted.
Did all adopted kids get crushes on their siblings? Poor kids. Feeling like this sucked. I wouldn't wish it on anyone else, despite how much I hated them... not that I really hated anyone.
Slowly I lifted myself out of bed, away from Ryan's warm embrace. My footsteps were barely heard as I made my way to the bathroom, shutting the door behind me. Ryan's snoring didn't stop.
I wasn’t sure where I was heading or why I was even leaving the warmth of my bed but I ended up in the bathroom, and that felt somewhat right.
Right now with all of the conflicting emotions coursing through my body I felt as if I needed to space myself from Ryan. I wanted to be near him all the time but that route wouldn’t make things any easier.
I had to figure out how I felt and if I did actually feel for Ryan then I had to... stop. The idea of anyone in the world becoming accepting of a brother and sister being together was so out of reach. It would probably never happen. Plus, I wasn’t really for making a new trend of some sort. I didn’t want to start something new. I just wanted to be accepted. Being a teenager was hard enough. I didn’t want to throw extra kinks in to my life.
I just didn’t want to feel like this anymore.
I couldn’t handle it.
My eyes fell upon the razor I used to shave my legs with. Horrifying thoughts of dissembling it to use it for a different purpose flashed through my mind.
I almost did it.
I almost reached forward and attempted to cut myself.
What good would that do though? It would cause me pain.
Pain wouldn’t change a damn thing.
The problem with me wasn’t physical but instead mental. I couldn’t cut my emotions out of me.
“Kassidy?”
I cleared my throat, trying to hide my horrible thoughts. I knew sometimes I had the habit of portraying my emotions through my facial expressions. That wouldn’t be helpful at the moment. “I’m in the bathroom Ryan.” I called back, silently cursing myself over the tone used.
Why could I never hide anything from Ryan?
“What’s wrong?” Ryan appeared in the doorway. His hair was sleepily messed up, causing him to look even cuter than usual. Sometimes I wondered why he even bothered styling it when he didn’t need to in order to look good...
“Nothing.” I smiled, attempting to hide the feelings I couldn’t seem to stop feeling.
“What’s going on?” Ryan frowned, “You’re lying to me and that isn’t something you’d normally do.”
“I can’t tell you everything.” I shot back, hating the fact that I seemed to be picking fights with Ryan lately. It wasn’t something that I wanted to do but when he got close to the truth I wasn’t sure what else I could possibly do to avert his attention.
“Why not?”
“Because you’re my brother, not my friend.”
Oh god. The look on his face hurt me more than anything else in this world could. I didn’t mean that. Ryan was my best friend. Why couldn’t I take the words back though?
“Oh.” Ryan suddenly looked uncomfortable. “Well I’m sorry for overstepping my boundaries then.” I didn’t want him to leave but I said nothing to stop him.
My bedroom door shut and I slid to the floor, hating myself.
This had to be for the best though.
Maybe if I spent a little less time with Ryan then my feelings for him would begin to feel natural.
Maybe then I’d love him in the way that I was supposed to.
***
(Sorry that it’s so short. I updated because of the review I received. Thank you, btw. I had almost given the story up.)
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