FicWad

This is fucking great! The crowd is screaming, the blood is spilling, the panties are flying, and the band is firing on all cylinders! My drum solo is going fucking great! I can’t believe we actually got my kit to spin in mid air! Fuck I love being a rock star! I’m starting to spin forward when I hear something that startles me. Someone is puking their guts out backstage and I don’t have to think twice about who it is. When I’m completely upside down I can see a portion of backstage through an opening in the backdrop. Sure enough there’s my best friend and long time crush emptying the contents of his stomach all over an amp. I falter a bit while playing my drums, but it doesn’t seem like anyone noticed.

Once I’m right side up again I turn my attention back to the crowd. I finish my solo and watch as the guys come back onto the stage. Mick comes out first playing the opening riff to Live Wire. I beat away at my drums and smile when I see Nikki come out onto the stage. I hope he’s feeling better. I hate it when he gets all fucked up on heroin. That shit is no good for the body, but who am I to talk? Cokehead/Alcoholic here! Vince comes out last and starts screaming at the crowd. “How the fuck are you guys doing tonight?!” the singer screams at the top of his lungs. The crowd roars in response. “Great cuz we're gonna fuck you u-” Vince stops short and I wipe the sweat out of my eyes to see why. My heart nearly stops when I see Nikki passed out on the stage floor. “Sixx?...Sixx!! Somebody call a fucking ambulance!” Vince starts to scream as him and Mick rush over to Nikki’s side.

“Holy shit, Nikki!! Somebody get me down from here!” I scream from my drum kit, which is still suspended in the air. I pull at the harnesses in a vain attempt to free myself, but it's no use. I scream at the tech guys, who look like deer in headlights, to get me down, but by the time I'm out of my drum kit Nikki is being moved onto a stretcher by paramedics. I run after them and feel my entire body go numb as they strap him to a gurney and wheel him into the back of the ambulance. I push past everyone in my way and climb into the back of the vehicle. The paramedics have no time to protest if they want to keep Nikki alive, so they allow me to come with them. Once the vehicle starts moving I grab Nikki's hand and try to fight back the tears that I know are coming. "You can't die on me now Sixx. I need you." I mumble as tears streak down my face. I rock back and forth for a minute trying to regain my composure but the tears keep coming. When my eyes regain some sort of focus past the blinding tears I move a strand of black hair out of his face and lean over him. I press a soft kiss to his forehead, not caring who sees, and close my eyes. You can't leave me Nikki. I still need to tell you how I feel.

When my lips leave his sweat-damped skin I hear him shift on the gurney. He makes a small sound that could be compared to a whimper and shivers a bit. For a fleeting second his eyes flutter open, but they fall closed almost immediately. Seeing him like this is killing me. I feel like my heart is being ripped out of my fucking chest with a pair of rusty old pliers. I keep Nikki's hand in mine until the ambulance comes to a screeching halt. I am pushed out of the way by paramedics and the gurney is quickly wheeled into the emergency room. For some time I sit in the ambulance trying to comprehend what has happened. This night is making my head spin and my stomach churn. After a while I gingerly climb out of the back of the vehicle and stand in the dimly lit parking lot. I shiver when a cool breeze sweeps through the air. I'm still in my stage makeup and costume but I can't go back and get my clothes, I have to stay here and wait for Nikki. I sigh and shakily start to walk towards the hospital. I've always hated these places.

Once I'm inside I receive many strange looks, but I'm too focused on Nikki to care. Is he gonna be okay? Where is he? What happened to him? Did he overdose or was it something else? I'd like to believe that he has his heroin usage under control, but I know that he doesn't. I know he overdosed. Again. This has to stop. If he survives this I need to help him. My heart sinks as the word "if" pops into that thought. I'm torn away from my thoughts when a doctor taps me on the shoulder. I spin around to face him and brace myself for the worst. "I assume you're here for Mr. Sixx." it's not a question. After all we are the only two people in the entire hospital that are in costumes and stage makeup. I nod and swallow thickly. "He overdosed on heroin. He'll be fine but we need to keep him over night." the doctor says with little emotion. I sigh and exhale deeply as if I'd been holding my breath. Suddenly the doctor nods at something behind me. I turn to see two nurses wheeling Nikki down the hall on a gurney. I shake my head and try to collect my thoughts.

I follow close behind them and try to keep myself from breaking down. When we reach the room one of the nurses hooks Nikki up to a heart monitor and turns out the lights. Both nurses exit leaving me to stare at my best friend as he lays there fragile and frail. He's a white as a sheet and he almost looks dead. I carefully sit in the chair next to the hospital bed. The wood creeks quietly as I get comfortable. The entire time I keep my gaze fixed. I don't take my eyes off of him for a split-second. Once I am situated I grab Nikki's hand with great tentativeness. I feel like if I make any sudden movements he might shatter right in front of me. His hand is limp and lifeless in my own and his skin feels cold. I feel a few tears starting to prick at the corners of my eyes and I know that pretty soon they'll be flowing full force. I gently lay my head on Nikki's chest and listen to his shallow breathing mixed with the sound of his heartbeat. It's reassuring. And that's what I need right now. I need to be reassured that he will make it through this. I close my eyes and a few tears spill over. I feel so drained. This experience has really taken a toll on me. Soon everything starts to fade.

When my eyes finally open again I can see sunlight shining through the window. I pick my head up off of Nikki's chest and frown when I see that he hasn't woken up yet. I lean back in my chair and take his hand in mine. I smile when I notice that some of the color has returned to his cheeks. I close my eyes and sigh as I listen to his steady breathing. This is one lucky bastard. He should be dead right now but by some miracle here he is sound asleep and recovering from another overdose. I frown at the thought of his drug problems and tighten my grip on his hand. I'm not going to let this happen again. I'll do whatever I have to in order to help him. I can't let him keep killing himself with heroin. Even if he hates me for it, I will stop him. I have to stop him. I have to stop him because I love him more than anything else in this world. He's my top priority right now. My inner monologue comes to a screeching halt when a nurse walks into the room.

She checks the monitor that Nikki's hooked up to and turns to me. "As soon as Mr. Sixx wakes up he can leave," she says before exiting the room. I nod and look over at the sleeping bassist. He looks so calm and peaceful when he's sleeping. I take my free hand and gently caress his cheek with it. I smile sadly when he unconsciously leans into my palm. I wish I could touch him this tenderly when he's awake. If I ever tried to he'd probably never speak to me again. I sigh and lean forward a little. I take some time to just look at his angelic face before doing something I've been dreaming about doing for months. I close the gap between us and softly brush my lips against his.

The kiss is short and it ends abruptly when I hear the door open. I jump, nearly leaping out of my skin, and quickly sit back in my chair. My heart sounds like a fucking jackhammer as I slowly turn to see who walked in. The chair creeks as I shift to see Mick walking in with a bag in his hand. I sigh quietly and take Nikki's hand in mine again. I look over at the bassist and run my free hand through my long, tangled hair. "How's he doing?" I hear Mick ask quietly as he puts the bag on the floor. I try to speak past the lump in my throat but when I open my mouth nothing comes out. I can feel the sting of tears in my eyes again but I try my best to stay composed. "He overdosed again. They said he'll be fine," I manage to choke out before a few tears spill over and slide down my cheeks. I quickly wipe them away with the back of my free hand. I look up at Mick who's looking down at me with his arms crossed and his eyes soft.

"You do know that these doors have windows on them right?" he asks quietly, a small smile playing his lips. "And you do realize that I'm not blind right?" his voice is gentle and knowing but it nearly makes my heart stop. I swallow thickly and try to speak but he puts up his hand to stop me. "Listen Lee, I've known you for a few years now and I've seen the way you look at him. I've seen how you act around him. It's kinda fucking obvious that you dig him," his understanding and acceptance lifts some of the stress off of my shoulders but I can't bring myself to make eye contact with him. Instead I keep my eyes locked on Nikki's face. "Do you think he feels the same?" I ask with little hope of an affirmative response. Mick unfolds his arms and jams his hands into his pockets. "Sixx is different. I can never tell what he's thinking or feeling. He's not one to wear his heart on his sleeve," he says as he stares at the ceiling.

I bite my lip and fight back tears as I go to carcass Nikki's cheek. "You alright Lee?" Mick asks gently as he rests a hand on my shoulder. I nod and close my eyes letting a few tears escape and run down my cheeks. "Alright well me and Vince have to go meet up with Doug to talk about adding new dates to the tour. We're all going back to L.A. on the jet tomorrow morning at nine," he takes his hand off of my shoulder and sighs. "They're making us take a month off so Sixx can pull himself together. Or not," my heart sinks when he adds the last part. We all know that if it were up to Nikki he wouldn't get clean. "We got two rentals so I'll drive back with Vince and I'll leave the other one for you and Sixx. It's the only blue corvette in the lot," he says as he hands me the keys. I reluctantly take my hand away from Nikki's face to take the keys and put them in the waistband of my pants. "Oh and I brought him some clothes," he says, motioning towards the bag that he dropped by the bed. I nod as I keep my eyes locked on Nikki.

When Mick walks out I realize that I'm still in my costume and stage makeup. I look over Nikki's face and see the smeared eyeliner and smudged warrior stripes under his eyes. I tentatively release his hand and walk into the small bathroom. I look back to make sure he's okay before I grab a wash cloth and soak it in warm water. I quickly wipe off my smudged, caked up makeup and rinse the washcloth. I walk back over to Nikki and sit down next to him. I carefully push the hair out of his face before wiping off his makeup. Once his face is clean I press a soft kiss to his cheek and throw the washcloth somewhere. I make myself comfortable in my chair and take his hand in mine again. I can feel the anguish wash over my face as I realize that as soon as he wakes up I'll have to keep my distance from him again. I can feel the tears coming again and this time I just let them flow. The sobs shake my entire body as I try to keep quiet.

Suddenly I feel Nikki's hand move in mine. I quickly try to wipe my eyes but I'm unsuccessful and my vision is still blurred by the tears. I hear Nikki let out a soft groan as he shifts on the mattress and I whimper softly as I attempt to stop crying. When my eyes are finely focused and void of tears I hold Nikki's hand against my cheek and watch his face carefully. He's features are still soft but his eyes are beginning to twitch. I close my eyes and press his hand against my cheek. When I lift my lids again I'm greeted by piercing green eyes staring back at me. I gasp and jump in my seat before the tears start up again. I have to hold myself back so I don't jump forward and hug him but I do keep his hand in mine as I sob. I drop my head onto the bed and completely breakdown in front of him.

He must think I'm an idiot but I can't stop myself. "Nikki," I choke out past my tears as I raise my head. I can't see his face but I can feel his hand on my shoulder and I can just barely hear him saying something. "Hey T-bone, calm down. Everything's alright," he mumbles soothingly. I bite my lip in a vain attempt to stifle my sobs as I hold his hand against my chest. "I thought you were gonna die," I whisper in a raspy, high pitched voice. The sobs begin to shake my body again as I drop my head back onto the mattress. I know I shouldn't cry in front of Sixx but he just drove me too far this time. "Please don't cry Tommy, everything's fine," he whispers reassuringly as he moves his hand to my face. He puts his hand under my chin and lifts my head off the bed. He smiles at me sadly as I struggle to compose myself.

This really isn't like him. I mean usually he'd make fun of me for crying over him or anyone else. Maybe he finally understands how fucking important he is to me. When I finally regain my composure I stand up and help him out of bed. Once he's on his feet he winces and grabs at his midsection. "I feel like I'm falling apart," he groans with a strained smile as he tries to straighten up. I help him walk over to the bathroom before handing him his clothes. He flashes me a smile before closing the door and getting changed. When he's clothed and able to walk properly I grab his outfit from last night's show and we walk down to the parking lot. I keep my eyes fixated on the parking lot as we exit the building but I throw a glance his way every few steps.

Once we're outside I spot the car and start walking towards it. Nikki picks up the pace and follows close behind me. I can hear him grunt as he walks and my heart wrenches in pain. I can't let this happen again. He's just throwing his life away with heroin. I slow down and start to walk next to him. I grab his arm and put it around my shoulder as he leans into me for support. When we reach the car he takes his arm back as I pull the key out of my waistband and unlock the doors. He climbs into the passenger seat with a soft groan as I get behind the wheel and put the key into the ignition. I force myself not to glance his way in fear of making eye contact. I feel so uncomfortable having him awake and this close to me after I kissed him God only knows how many times while he was unconscious.

I swallow thickly as I press down on the gas and begin to drive. As I pull onto the main road the silence inside of the car starts to choke me. I throw a quick glance at Nikki, who's looking out the window, and bite my lip. I need to say something to him but I don't know what. "How do you feel?" I ask quietly as I try to focus on the road. "Like shit. I feel like my guts are in a fucking blender dude," he mumbles as he rests his head on the glass of the window. "What the fuck did you even do man?" I ask even though I already know the answer. "I shot up before the show and then I just blacked out. I dunno man it was like I passed out but I could sorta see what was happening. Ya know like an out of body experience?" he mumbles tiredly. "Fuck man...how many cc's was it?" I ask quietly as the pain of this conversation starts to eat away at me. "Dunno. Ten, twelve maybe," he mumbles as he continues to drift. I try to swallow past the lump in my throat as I focus on the road.

After a couple miles I stop at a gas station and ask for directions back to the hotel. After the attendant tells me the way I pull out of the station and get back onto the road. I notice how quiet it is again and I start to feel uncomfortable until my ears pick up on Nikki's soft snoring. I glance over at him and see that he's slumped over in his seat sound asleep. A rush of relief washes through me and I let out a deep sigh. It's so much easier to be around him when he's out of it, whether he's high or sleeping. When he's around me on full alert like he usually is I feel so on edge. I tear my attention away from my thoughts and pay attention to the road. When we finally reach the hotel I park the car and reach over to wake Nikki up. I lightly grab his shoulder and shake him until his eyes flutter open. "Sixx get up, we're here," I say softly as he rubs his eyes with the back of his hand. He grumbles quietly as he unbuckles his seatbelt and climbs out of the car. I grab the keys and climb out as well.

We walk to the hotel in silence but every few steps I throw a glance his way. I wish he'd say something. Does he even realize the importance of what just happened? He almost fucking died! Does he even give a shit?! My thoughts are interrupted when I nearly walk into the glass door that leads into the hotel. I tear myself away from my thoughts and follow Nikki to the elevator. He presses the button for our floor and I drop my eyes to the ground when I realize that I've been staring at him since we got out of the car. The silence has become stifling again so I finally break it. "Management's making us take a month off so we can get our shit together. We're taking the jet home tomorrow," I say quietly. "What the fuck? It's not like they even care about what happens to us anyway," he mumbles tiredly as he leans against the wall of the elevator. I don't know how to respond so I turn away and bite my lip. When the elevator rises to our floor we both step out and walk in the direction of our rooms. They're right next to each other so we walk side by side until we reach the doors. I look over at Sixx who looks like he's about to collapse and feel a jolt of panic run up my spine. What if he shoots up again? What if he overdoses again? What if he fucking dies again? Before my mouth can form a coherent sentence he gets into his room and leaves me standing there staring after him.

I mentally curse myself out as I get my key out and undo the lock. Once it's open I walk into the my dark room and slam the door shut, locking it behind me. I drop onto my bed and start ripping at my costume that I've been wearing for nearly two days. Once I've peeled every piece of leather and cloth off of my body I curl up in the center of my mattress and hug my knees to my chest. I sigh letting my eyes fall closed when suddenly I hear a knock at the door. I quickly pull on a pair of boxers before walking to the door and opening it. And lo and behold, standing in the dimly lit hallway, Nikki is facing me with the most exhausted look on his face. "Hey T-bone can I stay with you? I guess I set my bed on fire the other night or something and now I need a place to sleep," he says sleepily. "Sure Sixx. No problem," I say quietly as he walks past me to the bed. I watch as he drops his room key onto the dresser and practically collapses on the mattress. He shifts around a little and yawns softly before covering his scarcely clothed body with the comforter. I swallow thickly and shut the door before walking back to the bed. I carefully slip between the sheets and try to leave some space between Nikki and myself. I roll onto my side so that my back is facing him before squeezing my eyes shut and trying to sleep. They pop open immediately when he shifts closer to me and snuggles into my back. I feel his forehead rest on my spine and I shiver a little. "You're warm," he mumbles dreamily as he presses himself against me practically spooning me. I bite my lip and try to keep the blood in my body from rushing south. That's the last thing I need right now. A bolt of sheer confidence runs through me and I carefully shift and turn so that I'm facing him. I drape one arm over his waist and pull him towards me as he drifts off to sleep. Without an ounce of protest he settles into the crook of my neck and quickly falls asleep. I try to keep my breathing even as I hold him but my heart begins to race. He's pressed against me and I'm fucking holding him! Even having him this close to me is a wonder in itself but I'm actually fucking hold him while he sleeps! I lightly kiss the top of his head and close my eyes. I really need to talk to him about his heroin addiction but that can wait. Right now I just want to hold him while he's off in some far away place dreaming. I let out a deep yawn before setting my mind to rest and letting Nikki's soft breathing lull me to sleep.

When my eyes open again the room is still dark. I look over at the clock and it reads four AM. Why the fuck am I up? Suddenly I hear the flick of a lighter from behind me. I turn to locate the source of the noise and when I do I see Nikki sitting cross legged on the floor with a lighter and a spoon. "Sorry I woke ya," he mumbles quietly as he cooks up what appears to be and is most likely heroin. Without thinking I leap out of bed and smack the spoon out of his hand in one fluid motion. "What the fuck are you doing?!" I practically shriek as he gets up off the floor with clenched fists. "What the hell T?! Why the fuck'd you do that?!" he shouts back at me with an almost murderous look in his eyes. "You just overdosed not twenty fucking hours ago and you were gonna shoot up again?!" I scream while readying myself for the fight that is likely going to break out. "Yeah Tom I was gonna fucking shoot up again until you fucked everything up! What the hell does it matter to you anyway?!" he yells as his rage nears a boil. "I don't want you to fucking die Nikki! Okay?! You're just ruining your life with heroin and you're too fucking blind to see that! I just want you to cut this shit out so you don't kill yourself Sixx!" I take a breathe and lower my voice a little. "I care about you a lot Nikki. I love you so much and I can't fucking watch you die," the last part sounds shaky and uneven and I regret saying it out loud the second it passes through my lips.

The anger in his face immediately bleeds into shock and confusion. I drop my head and try not to cry in as I wait for the hurtful words that I'm sure are coming. The next sound I hear is him bolting for the door and running out of the room. I feel frozen where I stand. Is that it? No cruel names or words? Not even a punch? He just left me here to wallow in the cold aura of rejection that he left behind? I carefully sit on the bed and lie back down. The tears stream from my eyes but my sobs are stifled in my chest. When I finally feel like I might be able to fall asleep I close my eyes and wait for unconsciousness to come but it never does.

After what feels like an hour of lying there sleeplessly I look over at the alarm clock next to the bed. It reads seven o'clock. I slowly get up and feel the numbness of rejection wash through me with greater force than it did last night. I walk over to the mirror and peer into the bloodshot eyes of my reflection. My cheeks are still flushed from crying and I look like hell. I step away from the broken man in the mirror and pack my things. Once I'm clothed, packed, and ready to check out I spot something on the floor next to the bed. I step closer and see a bindle of heroin on the floor where Nikki had been sitting last night. I carefully pick it up and slip it into the pocket of my jeans before leaving the room and exiting the hotel.

I walk out to the car and remember that I was supposed to drive Nikki back to the jet too. Whatever. He'll find his own way there. He probably doesn't want to be anywhere near me anyway. And so what if he doesn't catch the jet in time. He'll manage to get home somehow. With that thought I climb into the car and drive off. When I reach the jet I see Mick outside having a smoke. I get out of the car and grab my stuff, slamming the door behind me. He waves me over and as I get closer to him I can read the slightest bit of worry in his eyes.

"What the fuck happened to Sixx?" he asks, obviously baffled. "I showed up and he was waiting outside the jet for the pilot to come and let him in," his tone is even but perplexed. "T-bone I thought you gonna to drive him," he waits for my explanation. "Yeah man I was gonna. It's just...I don't know man...shit happened and then...fuck Mick he stormed out on me. What was I supposed to do?" I stumble over my words as last night replays over and over in my head. Mick nods sympathetically and takes a drag on his smoke. "Sixx never did handle conflict well. What the hell happened anyway?" his eyes hold little interest but his voice sounds slightly concerned. "I caught him right before he was about to shoot up again and I...I said something I shouldn't have...I spilled my guts about digging him and he freaked. He ran out of the room like a bat out of hell...He probably hates me now," the last words burn my throat as they come out. I let my head drop down as I try not to cry. Mick doesn't need to see me breakdown. In fact no one needs to see that shit. "Nah he'll get over it. Just give him some time. Just keep your head up kid," he tries to sound reassuring but we all know how Nikki is. If you say one wrong thing to the guy that's it he's gone. I sigh softly and carry my bags onto the jet. I look around and see Nikki asleep in one of the seats at the back of the aircraft. I carefully walk to one of the front seats and sit down dropping my bags next to me. I situate myself in a more comfortable position and quickly drift off to sleep.

After a while I'm woken up by the sound of a familiar voice. I stir a little when I hear my name being called but I don't want to open my eyes. These past few days have completely exhausted me. I've gotten maybe 12 hours of sleep in the past four days. My eyes open when I feel someone's hand on my shoulder and I'm faced with those deep green eyes again. "Come on T-bone we're back in LA. Management only sent two cars so I'm gonna drop you off at home," Nikki's face is grave and his words are borderline icy. I nod, avoiding all eye contact, and grab my things before following him off of the jet and down to the car.

I throw my things in the back seat and climb in the passenger's side while he gets behind the wheel and starts the car. When we start to move I keep my gaze focused outside the window but every few minutes I can feel Nikki's eyes burning deep holes into me. I feel fucking terrified. I don' know if he's just mad or if he hates my guts. I wouldn't be surprised if he never wants to talk to me again. When we pull up in front of my house I get and my things but before he drives off I pop my head in the passenger's side window. "I know you probably hate me and I know I shoulda just kept my mouth shut last night but I just wanna say sorry. I shouldn't have spilled my guts like that. And sorry I tried to keep you away from the one thing you actually fucking care about," my voice mirrors the coldness I heard in his earlier. Before turning to walk towards my house I pull the bindle of heroin out of my pocket and fling it into his lap with a sneer. He glares at me through narrowed eyes before turning to face the road and driving off. I scowl after him as I pick up my things and go into my house. I don't know why I care about him so much. He's such an asshole. I slam my front door shut and drop my bags on the floor before dropping onto the couch and closing my eyes. I sigh into the silence of the empty room and try to think of anything but Nikki.

A week has passed and I haven't heard from anyone. Not Nikki. Not Vince. Not even Mick. Not that we usually talk much when we're off tour anyway but still. I figured maybe someone would call me about Sixx. He usually let's Mick know what's up with him and Mars would definitely tell me if he had said anything. Maybe he didn't talk to anyone. I'm just so worried about him. He's been such a wreck lately and for all I know he could be home overdosing as we speak. My nerves are driving me insane. Suddenly the phone rings nearly causing me to jump out of my own skin. I run into the kitchen and grab the phone off the wall. "Hello?" I ask shakily. There's a long pause before anyone answers. "Hey," Nikki's familiar voice streams through the receiver and my mind stalls. "Hey," I sigh, relieved to finally hear from him. "Could you come over? I think we should talk," his voice is hoarse and he sounds dead tired. "Sure Sixx. I'll be right over," the next thing I hear is the dial tone and I'm out the door with my keys immediately.

My fingers falter when I try to start my car but it doesn't take long for me to get it running. I quickly drive to his house and park out front. As I climb out of the car and walk towards his front door I start to feel heavy. Every step I take seems to drag on longer than the last. When I finally reach his front steps I've slowed to a stop. So many thoughts are flying through my head. He said that we should talk. What if he tells me he doesn't want to keep me as a friend? What if he kicks me out of the band? Jesus Christ my heart feels like it's about to beat right out of my fucking chest. With sweat beading up on my forehead I force myself to go inside. I knock twice before letting myself in. Sixx never answers the doer anyway.

When I get inside I can barely believe my eyes. It's bad. Like even for Nikki this looks bad. The couch in the front room is flipped onto it's side, the television looks like someone shot it with a .22, and there's broken glass everywhere. "Sixx?" I say quietly, my voice trembling slightly. "I'm in here," I hear him call from the master bedroom. His words come out as more of a moan so I rush through all of the debris on the floor, stumbling over everything in my path. When I finally reach his room the door is slightly ajar. I knock once before opening it and letting out a slightly audible gasp. I cup my hand over my mouth and nearly faint at the sight of his room. The floor is completely covered in empty bottles of liquer, opened bottles of painkillers, empty packs of cigarettes, dirty spoons, filthy clothes, and dried vomit.

Tears swell in my eyes when I look over at Nikki who's curled up in a ball on his mattress facing the wall. I trudge through the mess on the floor until I'm about a foot away from his bed. "What happened to you Nikki?" I ask quietly, fearing that his answer will be that he's strung out again. He turns over onto his back with a soft grunt. "I was thinking about what you said," his voice is throaty— probably from puking— and his skin is a sickly greenish white color. "I thought about it all night that night while I was shooting up," my heart wrenches and I try to swallow past the lump that's forming in my throat. "The only thing I care about. You thought it was heroin. And you were sort of right," he shifts on the bed a little and lets out a soft whimper. "But then I realized what's really important to me. The band...the music...you. You've always been there for me and what you said the other night put everything into perspective for me. At first I was so angry about it. About you yelling at me and smacking the spoon of my hand. Then you told me you loved me. I was still fucking pissed though. But you were only trying to protect me," he smiles softly and looks up at me with bloodshot eyes. "You're always trying to keep me safe. And I started thinking about all the little things that you do for me. And how much I care about you," he clears his throat. My eyes are filled with tears and I'm afraid to blink because I know they'll spill over if I do. "So I decided to try and kick heroin. I've been clean for almost five days now and the withdrawal has been living hell. I don't care though. I just figured that if I got clean then you wouldn't have to worry about me so much anymore," he furrows his eyebrows and looks away from me. "Ya know I never understood why you cared so much. But now I guess I know why," he keeps his gaze fixed anywhere but at me.

I open my mouth to speak but when I do I feel a couple tears escape my eyes and stream down my cheeks. "Do you hate me?" my voice cracks mid sentence but I try to keep my sobs suppressed as I speak. He shakes his head, still not looking at me, "No. I don't. Now smile before I staple your face into one myself," he cracks a soft smile, his gaze still fixed elsewhere. A small smile plays my lips as I carefully sit down on the edge of his bed. "Nik, I don't think I'll be able to stop smiling now that I know you don't hate me," he looks over at me and reaches for my hand. "Good because I've got plenty of staples you fucker," he gives my fingers a squeeze and let's out a soft sigh. "Would you mind hanging around? Keep me company maybe?" his voice sounds slightly strained, probably from talking so much. I nod and climb onto the bed next to him. He moves over to make room for me and before I know it he's safe in my arms again just like the other night. "I love you Tom. I'm sorry for making you worry so much," he mumbles against the base of my neck. "I love you too Nikki," I murmur before pressing a soft kiss to the top of his head. I feel him relax in my arms and soon I hear his soft snoring. He's so peaceful when he sleeps. I hope I'll be seeing a lot more of him like this.