Categories > Celebrities > My Chemical Romance > The Past Ain't Through With You

I've Lost You

by carmen 3 reviews

People are trying to deal with Holly's attack. Gerard remembers their last night together in 2007.

Category: My Chemical Romance - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Drama,Romance - Characters: Bob Bryar,Frank Iero,Gerard Way,Mikey Way,Ray Toro - Published: 2012-05-10 - Updated: 2012-05-10 - 2977 words

It was after midnight before Mikey could convince Alicia to leave the hospital. Ray and Christa had left an hour earlier after hearing that Holly seemed to be holding her own after the latest surgery. She was still in critical condition but the fact that the internal bleeding had stopped was a good sign.

“Gee are you gonna stay?” Alicia asked him as she stood.

He nodded. “Yeah, I’m gonna stay.” His tone made it clear it would be pointless for anyone to disagree with him.

Mikey sighed, “Okay but we’ll come back in the morning so you can go home and get a few hours of sleep. We’re picking up mom and dad at nine.” He wasn’t sure how to broach the subject. “Are we supposed to pick up Molly tonight? I mean it’s pretty late.”

“Linds said she’d take care of Molly until Mom got here.” Gerard answered tiredly. “I’m sure you can pick her up in the morning.”

Alicia’s tone was full of compassion for her brother-in-law. “Gee, what do we tell Molly? She’s gonna wanna know where her mama is.”

Gerard shook his head. “Shit, I don’t know. What did you guys tell her when you left her with Linds?”

“Just said we were taking her over to play with B.” Alicia answered. Again tears appeared in her eyes. “She was so happy to go see B. What are we gonna tell her about Holly?”

Gerard rubbed his forehead trying to think. He knew he should be the one to handle this. “In the morning if you can pick her up on your way from the airport I’ll meet you at your house. I’ll talk to Molly.” He shook his head trying to decide if this made since, he was so mentally exhausted. “That should be okay because Ray and Christa said they’d be back here around nine. I can use Ray’s car and that way someone will be here with Holly.”

Hearing his words caused Alicia to tear up again. “Gee, she’s in a coma. She really doesn’t know if anyone is here or not.”

Gerard looked stricken. “I know but I just don’t want her to be alone. Every hour someone can sit with her for fifteen minutes. I don’t want one of those times to go by without someone going in to be with her.”

Alicia walked over and hugged him tightly.

“You want me to stay with you?” Bob asked as he stood and stretched.

Gerard could see he was exhausted. ‘Dude the jet lag has to have caught up with you. Go on and get some sleep.” He added before Bob turned, “But thanks.”

Bob nodded, “She has a lot of people who love her.”

“Yeah.” Gerard said sitting back down. “She really does.”


“Christa, wake up.”

Ray’s voice pulled her from the clutches of the nightmare. “Oh, Ray.” She struggled to sit up. When he turned on the lamp on the bedside table he saw she had tears rolling down her cheeks.

“You started screaming.” He said reaching for her hand. “Shit, you scared me. It must have been a wicked nightmare.”

Christa’s heart was still racing. “What time is it?”

“Just after two.” Ray answered glancing over at the clock. “Babe, try to go back to sleep. I’ve got the alarm set for seven.”

She fell back on her pillow. Once he turned off the light and was lying beside her she spoke. “You’re not even gonna ask me about the nightmare?”

He sighed, “I’m pretty sure I know what it was about. You screamed Holly’s name.”

“Ray, the nightmare was so clear.” She paused. “Except when you and Gee got there….” Her voice shook, “Holly was dead.”

Ray reached for her hand in the darkness, “But she’s not. We just gotta keep believing she’s gonna make a full recovery.”

“That’s what I want to believe.” Christa whispered.

He squeezed her hand. “But you don’t?”

“I just don’t know.” She answered opening her eyes to stare into the shadows. “I’m just so scared. There’s just so much…she could be paralyzed. And even if she physically recovers what about mentally? I know she never would have told Gee about Molly if she hadn’t believed she was dying. How will she react to him knowing? And how’s he gonna deal with all of this?”

“One thing at a time.” Ray whispered. “She just needs to make it through the next few days. Then when she does we’ll worry about the next thing.” He hoped she understood what he was saying. “She’s gonna need your friendship now more than ever.”

Christa grew silent a moment then said, “I think I was the only one who wasn’t surprised Gee is Molly’s father.”

Ray turned his head to study her face in the shadows. “You really weren’t surprised?”

“Not really. I mean once Gee said he was Molly’s dad it just suddenly seemed to make sense. Thinking back he and Holly were so close but think about how happy they always were when they were together. She seemed to bring balance to his life. I didn’t understand it then but now I see that he brought happiness into her world. I’m sure that when she was with him even if it was for a short time she could forget about some of her worry over Sonja.”

“But look how that turned out.” Ray said sadly.

“She has to understand Sonja’s death isn’t her fault. We all make choices in life. Sonja chose to go to her dads because she didn’t agree with Holly. But ultimately it was Holly’s decision to make. I firmly believe each of us has a predetermined time we’re gonna die. Nothing can change that. And Holly needs to remember that Sonja was truly in love with Jimmy. I talked to Bob about that tonight. Sonja was lucky enough to find a man who loved her and didn’t think twice about letting her disease keep them apart. The short time they were married they were happy. Holly needs to remember that.”

“But will she?” Ray wondered. “She’s spent so long beating herself up over this, can she stop?”

“All of us are going to get her the help she needs.” Christa said determinedly. “She spends so much time caring for others. It’s time she’s cared for.”


“Bob’s settled in.’ Alicia said returning to the bedroom. She stopped in her tracks when she saw Mikey sitting on the bed with his head down. “You okay?” She asked moving to take a seat next to him.

“I still can’t believe Holly lied to us.” He whispered.

“But you have to understand why?”

“Yeah I get that. I guess I just never expected Holly would lie about anything.” He sighed. “Not long ago Gee told me everyone lies.”

Alicia was confused. “Do you think less of her now you know the truth?”

He sighed, “I don’t know what to think. I mean it’s hard finding out someone you always thought was one of the most honest people in the world isn’t.”

His attitude angered Alicia. “How can you sit here and be worried about that? Holly is fighting for her life and you’re upset because she lied? Fuck, she lied because she loves your brother. She never went to him for help even though she needed it because she didn’t want to hurt his marriage.”

Mikey blinked in shock. Alicia rarely lost her temper with him. “I’m worried about Holly too.”

“Are you?" She challenged. “Seems to me the only thing you’re worried about if you’re honest is how this is gonna affect Gee.”

“That’s not true.” Mikey yelled losing his temper. “I’m worried about Holly. Shit, she’s like a sister to me. I don’t want her to die.” As he said the word his face fell. “Oh shit, she can’t die.” He whispered.

Alicia’s anger faded immediately. “She’s not gonna.” She wanted him to believe her words. She needed to believe them herself.

“I’m sorry.” Mikey whispered.

“I understand how worried you are about Gee.”

“I just wish I’d known about them. I mean I was going through such a bad time and Holly was there for me until we moved. Then it’s like we deserted her. I wish we hadn’t. I wish we’d known what was going on with her and Gee.”

“There’s no sense in wishing things could have been different.” Alicia said softly. “We can’t go back and change the past.”

“I know.” Mikey sighed, “But hearing about all the shit Holly has dealt with in her life makes me feel terrible. She’s always been such a good friend and we didn’t even know.”

Alicia tried to keep his spirits from plummeting. “We’re gonna make it up to her. She’s gonna need all the love and support we can give.”

Mikey looked into her eyes, “You don’t think she knew something like this was gonna happen, do you?”

The question shocked Alicia, ‘What? You mean like a premonition?”

“I just keep thinking about how she asked us to care for Molly if something happened to her.” Mikey answered.

Alicia thought a minute. “God, I hope that’s not true.”

Mikey couldn’t shake the feeling that he could be right. “I hope not too.”


Gerard made sure the nurse knew he’d be right back before he left to go out to smoke. He knew soon it would be time for his 15 minutes to sit with Holly.

Leaning back against the wall he glanced at his watch. It was almost eerie how quiet the hospital had become in these early morning hours. He took a deep drag then closed his eyes. Suddenly a vision of Molly popped into his mind causing a sad smile to cross his face. “My daughter.” He whispered to himself. It pained him to realize Holly had been alone during Molly’s birth.

Again the memories returned. That last night before he’d left on PR. Had that been the night Molly had been conceived? He knew it was a very good possibility. In the time he and Holly had been together there had only been two times they hadn’t used protection.. Once at her kitchen table when they both lost control. The other time had been that night….

July 24th 2007

He hadn’t planned on going to her house that night. He was still feeling deeply hurt and angry. Still as he’d sat on the porch smoking a cigarette he couldn’t stop himself from looking up the road. Earlier he’d seen Sonja leaving with her friends so he knew Holly was alone. Was she thinking about him?

“Gee, you better get some sleep.” Donna said pushing open the front door.

“Just gonna finish this.” He said holding up his cigarette. “Than I’ll head down to bed.”

Donna nodded. “Okay, see ya in the morning.”

Gerard took another deep drag off his cigarette then tossed it off the porch. As the cinder landed in the grass he made his decision. Pushing off the rail he headed down the steps. Within a minute he was standing at Holly’s front door. Inside he could hear her voice. Frowning he wondered if she was on the phone. He knew Sonja was gone so that had to be it. Knowing it was wrong but unable to stop himself his hand reached for the doorknob. As soon as it turned he sighed. How many times had he told her to keep her door locked?

As he slowly pushed open the door the sound of her voice grew louder. He took a step inside, pushed the door shut as quietly as possible then stood still listening. Her voice seemed to be moving around from room to room.

“It’s gonna be okay, you know that.”

Gerard suddenly wanted to bolt. Maybe someone else was here and he shouldn’t be listening.

“It has to be okay. It’s always been before. Just stay calm. Stop being stupid” Holly walked into the hall and the shadow of a man standing there caused her to scream.

“Holly, it’s me.” Gerard sputtered. “Shit, sorry didn’t mean to scare you.”

“Oh shit.” Holly said clutching her chest. Suddenly she realized she’d been talking to herself and he’d been listening. Worriedly she asked, “How long have you been here?”

“Just got here. Sorry should have knocked.”

As stupid as she felt for the fact he’d had to have heard her talking to herself she couldn’t deny the happiness she felt that he was here. “You don’t have to knock, you know that.”

He shifted nervously from one foot to the other. “Uh, you alone?”

Holly sighed, “Yeah, Gee. I was just carrying on a conversation with myself.”

He grinned, “Oh, sounded kind like you were arguing with yourself. Who won?”

Her smile faded, “No winner I always lose.”

The sight of her standing there in only a long tee was making it hard for him not to stare. However when he replayed he words in his head he forced himself to look into her eyes. “It doesn’t have to be that way, Holly.”

She looked down trying to hide the tears that had sprung to her eyes. “I’ve lost you.”

“It doesn’t have to be that way.” He repeated the words again praying she would believe.

Holly took a deep breath trying to get her emotions under control. Earlier before Sonja had left they’d argued again. She hadn’t wanted her daughter to go out tonight but Sonja had begged. When that hadn’t worked she’d screamed at her mother telling her she didn’t understand. The argument had ended when Sonja had once again broken down saying how much she just wanted to be a normal teen. Again her words had broken Holly’s heart and even though she knew Sonja’s health was slowly deteriorating she understood how her daughter felt. Still she’d just spent the last few minutes trying to calm her own nerves, trying to convince herself that Sonja’s appointment with the specialist would offer them new hope. Now the other major heartache in her life was standing in front of her not understanding. It all seemed too much.

“Holly?’ Gerard took a step closer to her. He needed to feel her in his arms so badly.

Desperation at believing this could truly be the last time they’d be together made her react. She closed the distance between them launching herself into his arms she just wanted for one brief moment to forget everything. In his arms she felt safe, she felt loved.

“Oh Sugar.” He murmured against her lips. “I love you.”

Holly refused to think, only feel. “I love you.”

His hands slid under the tee to caress her back. Her skin was so soft and warm to the touch. When she began to press against him more forcefully he moaned. “I want you so much, right now.”

“Yes.” Her lips left his to trail down the side of his neck. “Now” She needed to feel him inside her.

Still wrapped in each other’s arms they slid to the floor. Within moments his clothes were in a heap next to her tee.

“Gee, love me.’ She begged unashamedly.

There was nothing in his mind but honoring her request. Nothing at all. He loved this woman with all his heart that he was sure. And at this moment that was all that was important.

As he slid inside her Holly arched her back to welcome his length. Then she wrapped her legs around him urging him on, needing to feel him move inside her core.

“Holly.’ He whispered brokenly. “I won’t last long like this.”

She kissed his lips, his eyes, his cheeks. She shut out every other thought except her love for this man. When he thrust once more waves of passion consumed her body. A moment later she felt him reach his release. It was then the world came crashing down on her. The phone rang.

“Let it ring.” He said nuzzling her neck.

“I can’t. It might be Sonja.” She said trying to wiggle out from under his weight.

Gerard rolled off her trying to control his disappointment. They’d just made love and he’d wanted to hold her in his arms.

Holly got up quickly and grabbed her tee before running for the phone. “Hello?”

“Mom, can you come get me?”

“Honey, what’s wrong?” Something in her daughter’s voice scared her.

“I’m not feeling good.” Sonja whispered not wanting to be overheard by her friends. “It’s bad.”

“I’ll be there soon.” Holly assured her. When she turned she saw standing in the doorway.

“What’s up?”

“I have to go pick up Sonja.” Holly said nervously.

“Want me to go with you?” He asked.

As much as she wanted it she shook her head. Sonja wouldn’t want Gerard to see her like this and Holly wasn’t up to lying about her illness. “No, I better go alone.” She brushed past him needing to dress knowing she needed to get to Sonja soon.

When she came back down the stairs Gerard was gone. He left for Projekt Revolution in the morning without saying goodbye,
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