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I couldn’t really focus on anything. I spilled coffee on Spencer’s floor and myself. I scrubbed the floor, trying to clean the spot that was now stained with coffee. Then I just cried.

I hit the spot on the carpet with an awkwardly aimed fist and I cried a little harder. I tried my hardest to blame the coffee for my tears but it was no use. I couldn’t escape what was happening.

Spencer was in jail.

He was in jail and it was my fault.

Ryan had spent a good portion of the morning following me around, watching me without really saying anything. I knew he was afraid that I would hurt myself. I had given it some thought but in the end I knew that would do Spencer no good.

Brendon and Jon had arrived about an hour ago. I was still trying to clean the spot on the carpet. They watched. Brendon tried to help me for a while. Jon tried to get me to stop cleaning. Ryan finally got them to leave me alone.

“Kade, I think it’s time for you to stop cleaning the floor before there is no floor left.” Ryan finally said.

I threw the rag on to the floor and sighed heavily, “Spencer l-likes this carpet though.”

“Not really.” Jon replied.

“Well, he likes it a lot better than he likes coffee stains.”

“That’s debatable.” Brendon chimed in.

I just rolled my eyes, “Well, what the hell should I do?”

“It’s almost two.” Ryan said, clearing his throat.

“Did they… Can we go see him?” Ryan had been calling all day, inquiring about visiting.

“Yeah, they are going to let us see him.” Ryan said, smiling. The smile was forced but I didn’t care. I left the living room quickly, focusing on clothing. What would Spencer like?

I had to do something for him. I tried to clean but I couldn’t clean anything else. I had gotten him in to jail but I couldn’t find a way to get him out. The only thing I could really do was try to look pretty for him.

I heard a knock on Spencer’s bedroom door and I froze, feeling more tears coming. I was standing in Spencer’s bedroom, where Spencer should be. Someone was knocking on Spencer’s door, the door that Spencer should answer.

What did I do?

Given the situation… Spencer could spend a fair amount of time in jail. Once the media got a hold of this then all of Panic! would have to deal with the press and I couldn’t even imagine what that would do to their band.

“Are you decent?” Brendon asked, cracking the door open a tiny bit.

“Yeah.” My tone was dead. I couldn’t help it. Just what emotion was I supposed to inject in to my voice on this fine day? Cheer wasn’t even an option anymore.

I thought I was doing the right thing. I thought that things would be okay but I was wrong. I was always wrong. I obviously didn’t deserve happiness.

Brendon stepped in to the bedroom, closing the door behind him. “Are you going to be okay?” He finally asked.

I wasn’t sure as to how I should answer that question. Honestly? I wasn’t sure if I was going to be okay. I wasn’t even sure if I was currently okay. I wasn’t even aware of what ‘okay’ was anymore. Should I lie? I couldn’t even bring myself to do that.

My voice cracked and the words fell apart as they left my mouth. “Things were looking up.” I thought of Spencer’s lips against my own. Would I ever feel that again? Would Spencer even want to kiss me again? “Everything was going to be okay and finally all of the pain I’ve dealt with every single day was going to fall off of me. I felt like things would be okay. In Spencer’s arms I felt safe from it. I felt new, like a fucking child. I was just as foolish as a child though and nothing will ever be okay and I might have been safe but what was the exchange?” Brendon watched me carefully, for what I wasn’t sure. “It was in exchange for Spencer’s safety and I want to trade again. I’m okay with living in constant fear and constant pain as long as Spencer’s okay. I just want to switch things around again.”

Brendon shook his head. “I don’t know exactly what happened last night but I know enough to know that Spencer would never want that. He did what he did because he thought it was the right thing to do.”

I laughed. It was a loud and dry laugh, full of anything but humor. “You know, it’s funny… Something that’s wrong can go without legal action but then something that’s right, or seems right, is instantly punishable by law.”

Brendon shook his head, “Tell the cops the truth Kade.” I knew this part would come. Did he think I hadn’t thought this over? Did he think I didn’t want to go to the cops and tell them what my dad did? I knew it’s what they’d all been thinking.

I brushed past him, bumping in to his shoulder.

He didn’t stop me.

Ryan didn’t stop me.

Jon didn’t stop me.

I was glad. I couldn’t stand anymore tears and I knew if any of them said anything else I would burst in to tears but this time I wasn’t sure if I’d be able to stop.

I always knew I wasn’t the strongest person in the world but why did I have to be so horrifyingly weak?





It felt as if a lot of time had passed by the time I reached the jailhouse. I’d thought a lot as I walked around town but I still had no idea what I was doing. I could barely think. All I could do was feel and I was sick and tired of feeling.



After a blur of words I was led to the back of the jailhouse and in to another room. It was a fairly small jail and for that I was extremely grateful. Spencer wasn’t in a giant cell with a bunch of other people that I’d have to worry about. I wouldn’t have been able to handle seeing that.

Spencer glanced up but as soon as he saw me he looked down at his hands, saying nothing. I remembered the last and only time I’d been in jail, with Brendon. He told me a fairy tale. I remember how much better that had made me feel.

“Once upon a time there was a girl and a boy…” My voice was strained but I was trying. “The girl really cared for the boy but she was broken and knew she was no good for the boy.” Spencer looked up but before he could say anything I continued. “The boy tried to save the girl but he didn’t realize that the only way to save her was to stay. He left and the girl was alone.” I saw the bruise along Spencer’s jaw and paused, horrified. “She realized that when it came down to it she never needed to be saved. The boy made her realize this. He made her realize that had she simply saved herself then none of this would’ve happened.”

“Kade-“ Spencer tried to speak but I cut him off with a shake of my head.

“All it took was the boy being put in danger for her to really do anything though. The boy was there before the girl was in danger. You see, we aren’t all heroes. The boy was a hero but the girl wasn’t. She was forced in to action. If anything she was a villain.” I stepped closer to the bars, fighting the tears that continued to try and take control.

“In the end the villain goes down but that- that’s okay… as long as the hero is okay. You’ll be okay Spencer because I’ll go down. For you I’ll do anything, even if it kills me.”

Spencer’s eyes narrowed, “Kade, what are you thinking of doing?” He stood, coming up to the bars.

“I’m going back to where this all began.” I licked my dry lips knowing it would do no good. My lips would remain dry. “It’s my father who is pressing charges against you. I’m going back to change his mind.”

“Don’t.” It came out in a pleading tone and Spencer’s eyes begged me to stay. His hands closed around the bars but when it came down to it he couldn’t stop me. I had to do what was best. I should have saved myself long ago. Now it was too late and all I could do was offer my dad what little was left of me. I knew he wasn’t interested in Spencer. I knew he couldn’t care less about him. He had always wanted to ruin me. It’s what he’d worked to do my entire life. The tears were beginning to win and I felt a bitter dampness creep in to the corners of my eyes. “I hope that you remember my story.” I whispered, brushing my fingers against Spencer’s. He let go of the bars, attempting to reach out for me. I pulled away just in time though, knowing if he had the choice he wouldn’t let go. He didn’t understand though. He’d never understand. “I hope that you understand me when I tell you not to come near me once you get out of jail and I really, really hope that you understand it’s for the best. This is all I can give you Spence and believe it or not, this is all of me.”

I could tell he wanted to say something but I didn’t give him the chance and as soon as the door closed behind me I openly cried.

I knew I’d spoken in riddles, using a fairy tale to hide my true pain, but I knew Spencer understood me. He didn’t want to but he did.





I found a pay phone and was extremely lucky to find change in my pocket. I didn’t know where my cell phone was. I didn’t even care. It was upon the list of things that just didn’t matter anymore.

“Hello.” My father’s gruff voice met my ears but I didn’t hate him. I didn’t feel anything.

“Hey dad.”

“Kadence?”

“Yeah. I’m… coming home.” I awkwardly glanced around me, moving closer to the phone.

“Where are you?”

“I can’t tell you yet.” This was important. I needed Spencer to be okay. “I need you to do something for me dad.”

“What’s that?” There was a slur to his words that let me know he had already started drinking. That didn’t come as a surprise though. Why should today be different from any other day?

“Drop the charges against Spencer. It’s not too late. Don’t ruin his life because you want to ruin mine.” The words weren’t cold enough for all he’d done to me.

“Oh Kadence, I have never wanted to hurt yo-“

“Just drop the charges and I’ll come home.” There was a pause so I added, “Drop the charges and I won’t tell anyone our secret.” Even drunk I knew he wasn’t stupid enough to question that.

“Where are you?” He repeated the question with renewed anger.

“Do it first then I’ll call you back.”

I didn’t give him the chance to answer. Instead I just hung up and sat on the sidewalk, waiting for time to pass.





After what felt like forever I stood up and dug more change out of my pocket. I called what I thought was Brendon’s number, hoping I had it right. “Hey!” The overly hyper voice greeted me, letting me know that I had the number right.

“Hey Brendon, um any word on Spencer?”

“Yeah!” Brendon sounded excited. That was a good sign. “He’s being released! We are actually going to pick him up. He just has to go through a bunch of bullshit paperwork. Your dad just randomly dropped the charges and said he was drunk and got confused and it started a fight.”

Thank god.

“Um, great!” I felt a little better but I still knew the future was dim and didn’t contain any Spencer for me. “Well, great.” I repeated the word, not wanting to hang up. I knew I had to though. “I have to go. I’ll talk to you later.” The words came out in a jumble and I hung up before Brendon could respond.

The next call was much easier. I told my dad where I was and then I sat back down and waited…



*



(Spencer’s POV)



“Is there anything else I have to sign?” I snapped, worried about Kade.

The officer next to me shook his head, “You’re good to go. Stay out of trouble son.” Son? He was like three years older than me, maybe!

I thought better of saying anything and instead left, letting the door slam behind me. Brendon, Ryan, and Jon were all sitting outside waiting for me.

Kade was nowhere to be seen though.

“Where is Kade?”

All I could do was hope that she wasn’t stupid enough to actually go back to her dad.

Brendon finally spoke up, “I don’t know. She called me to check on you but she didn’t sound all that surprised that you were released and well…” I tuned out the rest of what he said.

I just wanted to protect Kade. I wasn’t able to the first time so I tried to take revenge but now my revenge was hurting her. Did this cycle never end?





*



(Kade’s POV)



I nearly jumped as someone sat beside me. “Hey.” The man said.

It only took a quick glance and I recognized him as the coffee shop creep, also known as D- something. “Hey, it’s David, right?”

He shook his head, making me feel a little bad. “Damien.”

“Oh sorry. What’s up Damien?” I wasn’t really in the mood to talk though.

“I’m surprised you didn’t figure it out.” Damien said, frowning a little. “Your dad sent me to pick you up.” And it all fell in to place.

“Did my father pay you to spy on me at the coffee shop?” That would explain Damien’s presence and my father’s absence of money. He was just crazy enough to do that, especially because for the past year he’d gone through some paranoid episodes of thinking I was screwing every boy in town and well ‘his little girl’ just couldn’t do that.

“Yeah, for a while.” Damien stood and I stood as well, following him down the street.

“I’m sorry.”

“For?” Damien stopped at his car and I glanced around, knowing getting in his car probably wasn’t the smartest move to make. Spencer was safe though. He was out of jail and now… now I was going to be out of his life. I would be away from him, unable to screw his life up anymore than I already had.

“For you getting dragged in to my crazy family drama.”

Damien laughed, “It’s cool. I enjoyed watching you.”

I nodded, buckling my seatbelt. “That’s just a tad bit creepy.”

“I know.” Damien cracked a smile. “I can’t help it though. You really are quite beautiful.”

“I’m not interested in anyone who has basically stalked me, sorry.” I didn’t know how else to put it and I knew there was no way of not hurting Damien’s feelings. He was a creep.

That put an end to our already horrible conversation and Damien turned on the radio. I closed my eyes, attempting to relax.

It didn’t take long for me to figure out that I wasn’t going home though. The car pulled to a stop but I didn’t open my eyes.

Damien leaned over and I could feel his warm breath upon my skin. His breath smelled like Cheetos and I nearly gagged as I attempted to remain still.

Then something cold pressed against my neck, “It really is too bad because you are very pretty.” Damien whispered in to my ear.

Just do it.



And then I felt the sharp pain but it wasn’t in my neck.

The deranged laugh terrified me, “Maybe I’ll keep you around after all.”

What had I gotten myself in to?



*



(Spencer’s POV)



We hadn’t left the jail yet because none of us could figure out what to do. We’d called Kade’s cell phone but since she didn’t call Brendon from it we all already knew she probably didn’t have it on her and if she did it probably wasn’t charged.

According to someone Ryan knew Kade hadn’t made it home. That someone lived near her and had been watching for Ryan, which was odd enough.

Kade’s dad rushing past us caught all our attention, “Hey!” Brendon tried to stop him but he didn’t even acknowledge us as we followed him in to the jailhouse.

“You have to help me.” He rushed forward to the counter. “I’ve made a terrible mistake and I just want my little girl to be okay.”

I inched forward, needing to hear whatever it was he was going to say. I needed Kade to be okay. “What’s wrong sir?” The officer behind the desk asked, prepared to write down whatever Kade’s dad was going to say.

“I paid this guy to kill her so that she wouldn’t tell-“ He couldn’t finish because he began sobbing. Enough had been said though.

Paid… Kill? … Kade?

I could barely hear the stupid questions the cop asked.

I already knew the answers to the questions he asked. They weren’t important. What was important was finding Kade because she had to be found alive. She just had to be.

The idea of Kade dead was something I just couldn’t deal with.