Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco > What Is Love?
(Spencer’s POV)
I let her walk away again. At first it seemed as if I were just giving her space and allowing her to come back to me when she was ready. That was how I saw it when I originally let her walk away anyway but now I was starting to think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I needed to go after her.
This was the third time. The third time that something went wrong and she decided to leave. We weren’t going to get anywhere if she kept leaving and I kept letting her. I wanted this girl. I needed to step up and act like it.
I was prepared to completely sweep Kade off of her feet with a thought out speech of epic proportions but the words died on my lips as I opened my door, finding her sitting outside.
Something a lot less epic came out of my mouth, “How long have you been here?”
“I think... an hour maybe. My phone died right before I got here so I’m not even sure what time it is.”
“Why are you here?” The words sounded a lot colder than I meant for them too. I just didn’t understand Kade and that confusion... was hard to deal with, especially when at any sign of trouble she would just walk away.
“I...” Kade’s bottom lip trembled and I could see the urge to run away flash through her eyes. “I can just leave if right now is a bad time.”
“I wish you wouldn’t do that.” I leaned against the doorframe, attempting to make my words sound a little less on the attack side.
“Leave?”
“Exactly. It’s what you do every single time we start to get somewhere.”
“You’re right.” I didn’t expect her to agree. That just made me feel like a jackass. “I won’t leave tonight though, unless you ask me to.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Come in then.”
***
(Kade’s POV)
Spencer’s apartment was warm, making me aware of just how cold it had been outside. Suddenly, Ryan’s plan seemed like a bad idea and just shutting up seemed to be the best choice.
“Would you like something to drink?” Spencer asked, tucking his hands in to his jeans.
“Um, sure.” It was as if we were starting back at square one.
“I’m going to go grab-“
“I could grab-“ We both cut each other off, awkwardly ending our sentences together.
“I’m not very good at this.” I admitted. “And honestly the only step I seem to be able to accomplish is the showing up one but I always cancel that out when I leave.”
“At least you have the first step down.” Spencer replied, shifting to the side. “I’m sure I should be doing something guy-like right now but everything that comes to mind seems wrong and I just don’t want you to leave again.”
“What’s something that comes to mind? I can’t think of anything other than awkwardly standing here.”
“Well...” Spencer stepped closer. We maintained eye contact as he leaned down, brushing his lips against mine. When he pulled away it was safe to say that we were both a little bit happier. “That always seems to work in movies.”
“I think it worked.” I breathed out, hoping I wouldn’t pass out from pure nerves.
Spencer smiled, “Your turn.”
“Um, well I’m a little less action... a little more words.”
“Words can be very action filled.” Spencer replied, “Sometimes they are even better than actual actions.”
I fell silent, second guessing myself once again. What if Ryan was wrong? What if Spencer didn’t need to know? I mean, plenty of relationships were created without everything being known about the other person, right?
“There is something that I think I should tell you.” I cleared my throat, “Can I... sit down?”
“Oh, of course.” Spencer jumped, as if startled. “How about the couch?”
“Sure.” I waited for him to sit down and then I sat down next to him.
“So, what did you need to tell me?”
I couldn’t seem to get enough air in to my lungs as I struggled with the wording. When the words slipped out I realized it didn’t matter though. No matter how I worded this it would sound wrong because it was wrong.
“I really like you Spencer...” I swallowed, knowing that was going to be the easiest thing to say in this conversation.
“I like you too. Aren’t those good things though? I don’t understand why you keep leaving instead of just talking to me.” Spencer looked at his hands.
“It would be good if I knew how to act or rather, how to feel.” I paused, knowing this was all coming out wrong. “If I wasn’t so damn broken then it would be a great thing.” Tears pricked at my eyes as the words bubbled to the surface of my mind. “There’s more to the whole me moving in with Ryan thing than you know.”
“What do you mean?” Spencer sounded suspicious but I doubt he suspected the truth. It was too awful to guess at.
“Ryan showed up at my place after...” My mouth was suddenly dry but I didn’t want to move to get a drink. I didn’t want to do anything other than get this over with. “After my dad raped me.” In such a small amount of words the sentence sounded weak to me, as if the action wasn’t as horrible as it was.
I felt like screaming would be more appropriate. I wasn’t even sobbing. All I could do was sit and wait for Spencer’s response. Throwing a fit would do nothing for the situation and Spencer would either understand... or he wouldn’t.
It felt like hours had passed and Spencer still had not said a word. “Spencer?” I hesitantly attempted to gain his attention.
“Yeah?” His voice was heavy.
The emotion lacing that simple word surprised me and I turned to face him, finding that he had lost interest in his hands and was now staring at me. “Do I disgust you?”
That’s when I noticed that tears were falling down Spencer’s cheeks. That emotion he was showing... that was for me. When he leaned forward and pulled me towards him I didn’t feel frightened at all. No thoughts of running even came to mind.
I needed this.
I needed Spencer.
And so he held me. Together we both cried. For the first time since the night I lost what I thought had been my innocence I felt safe and that feeling was innocent. With Spencer I felt innocent again.
It was like the dirt had been washed off.
Was Ryan ever wrong?
***
(Spencer’s POV)
“Kade?” I gently whispered her name to make sure that she was actually asleep. After a few minutes of silence I moved, gently sliding her body off of mine.
I barely made it outside before I exploded, kicking the closest thing to me. Thankfully it was just a rock.
I knew something was wrong. I knew long before the others. I saw the bruises. How could I do nothing? Had I done something this never would’ve happened because Kade’s dad never would’ve had the chance to rape her.
Kade had been raped.
The words were still sinking in, causing images to flash through my mind. Something had been stolen from her. Something I could never get back for her.
Now all of her awkward uncomfortable moments made a little more sense and I just felt like the biggest asshole in the world. She was dealing with that while I was pressuring her.
How could Ryan not tell me? How had charges not been pressed? Did Jon and Brendon know too?
I couldn’t help but feel completely out of the loop on this.
Was I that unimportant?
Kade sure as hell wasn’t unimportant to me.
I felt as if something such as a cloud had taken over my mind, fogging up all of my thoughts. Was I aware of what I intended to do? Fully. I just couldn’t seem to grab a hold of my thoughts long enough to logically think them through.
It really didn’t take me long to reach Kade’s old house. The lights were off but I wasn’t surprised. It was the middle of the night. He was probably passed out drunk, from what I knew of him.
I didn’t even have to break in since he had forgotten to lock the door. I flicked a light on after feeling the walls for a few minutes. The living room was trashed, with beer bottles thrown everywhere.
I remembered Kade cleaning after she had spent the night. Now it all made sense. She’d been so frightened about not finishing by the time I woke up. The idea of her comparing me to her father made me slightly ill.
The kitchen was worse, with dirty dishes lining the counter space.
I couldn’t find him downstairs so I began climbing the stairs, making sure to avoid the messes he’d left absolutely everywhere. I still ended up hearing glass crunch underneath my sneakers.
The first bedroom I stumbled upon smelled so terrible that I assumed it had to belong to her father. I flicked the light on to find it empty though and my heart sunk at the idea of him not being home.
I was about to give up and leave when I noticed the other door at the end of the hallway. I wondered just what Kade’s bedroom would be like. Would there be posters of bands, like mine? I didn’t know too much about her... It was a good chance to get to know her a little better.
As I opened the bedroom door I realized Kade’s dad was home after all.
In her bedroom.
The rage I felt was unexplainable.
***
(Kade’s POV)
As I woke up I realized the living room seemed brighter and... Spencer wasn’t holding me anymore; He wasn’t anywhere in sight.
It seemed I’d slept all night. The smell of coffee hit my nose, causing my stomach to groan in dissatisfaction. Coffee didn’t sound so bad. Hell, nothing really sounded bad anymore.
I’d won, in a way. I told Spencer the truth and he didn’t run away. He didn’t give me a look of disgust or ask me to leave.
He held me.
“Hey Spencer, I’m going to take a quick shower. Save me a cup of coffee!” I called, smiling at the thought of seeing him.
Waking up to Spencer was something I could definitely get used to.
I didn’t wait for a response from Spencer as I basically bounced to the bathroom. Things hadn’t been this great in a long time. I didn’t even think things could be this great.
Spencer was opening my eyes to everything, such as happiness. It felt good to finally be ready to let him in.
When I emerged from the shower there was a cup of coffee sitting on the bathroom counter, waiting for me. I was surprised that he would bring me coffee in to the bathroom but the thought behind the action still made me smile.
I’d never dressed so fast after showering. I just wanted to see Spencer. I needed to see him. I felt as if I’d wasted too much time running from him. Now I truly wanted to be with him, for as long as I could.
The smile that was stretching across my face faded as I found Ryan in the living room. “Hey, when did you get here?”
“About five A.M.” Ryan responded, standing up. I noticed he wasn’t smiling, as he usually would be.
“What’s wrong?” I looked past him, expecting Spencer to appear at any moment. “Where is Spencer?”
Ryan sighed heavily before responding. “Spencer’s in jail. He got arrested last night.”
I actually wish he hadn’t said anything.
That probably would’ve been better.
***
I let her walk away again. At first it seemed as if I were just giving her space and allowing her to come back to me when she was ready. That was how I saw it when I originally let her walk away anyway but now I was starting to think that maybe I was wrong. Maybe I needed to go after her.
This was the third time. The third time that something went wrong and she decided to leave. We weren’t going to get anywhere if she kept leaving and I kept letting her. I wanted this girl. I needed to step up and act like it.
I was prepared to completely sweep Kade off of her feet with a thought out speech of epic proportions but the words died on my lips as I opened my door, finding her sitting outside.
Something a lot less epic came out of my mouth, “How long have you been here?”
“I think... an hour maybe. My phone died right before I got here so I’m not even sure what time it is.”
“Why are you here?” The words sounded a lot colder than I meant for them too. I just didn’t understand Kade and that confusion... was hard to deal with, especially when at any sign of trouble she would just walk away.
“I...” Kade’s bottom lip trembled and I could see the urge to run away flash through her eyes. “I can just leave if right now is a bad time.”
“I wish you wouldn’t do that.” I leaned against the doorframe, attempting to make my words sound a little less on the attack side.
“Leave?”
“Exactly. It’s what you do every single time we start to get somewhere.”
“You’re right.” I didn’t expect her to agree. That just made me feel like a jackass. “I won’t leave tonight though, unless you ask me to.”
“Promise?”
“I promise.”
“Come in then.”
***
(Kade’s POV)
Spencer’s apartment was warm, making me aware of just how cold it had been outside. Suddenly, Ryan’s plan seemed like a bad idea and just shutting up seemed to be the best choice.
“Would you like something to drink?” Spencer asked, tucking his hands in to his jeans.
“Um, sure.” It was as if we were starting back at square one.
“I’m going to go grab-“
“I could grab-“ We both cut each other off, awkwardly ending our sentences together.
“I’m not very good at this.” I admitted. “And honestly the only step I seem to be able to accomplish is the showing up one but I always cancel that out when I leave.”
“At least you have the first step down.” Spencer replied, shifting to the side. “I’m sure I should be doing something guy-like right now but everything that comes to mind seems wrong and I just don’t want you to leave again.”
“What’s something that comes to mind? I can’t think of anything other than awkwardly standing here.”
“Well...” Spencer stepped closer. We maintained eye contact as he leaned down, brushing his lips against mine. When he pulled away it was safe to say that we were both a little bit happier. “That always seems to work in movies.”
“I think it worked.” I breathed out, hoping I wouldn’t pass out from pure nerves.
Spencer smiled, “Your turn.”
“Um, well I’m a little less action... a little more words.”
“Words can be very action filled.” Spencer replied, “Sometimes they are even better than actual actions.”
I fell silent, second guessing myself once again. What if Ryan was wrong? What if Spencer didn’t need to know? I mean, plenty of relationships were created without everything being known about the other person, right?
“There is something that I think I should tell you.” I cleared my throat, “Can I... sit down?”
“Oh, of course.” Spencer jumped, as if startled. “How about the couch?”
“Sure.” I waited for him to sit down and then I sat down next to him.
“So, what did you need to tell me?”
I couldn’t seem to get enough air in to my lungs as I struggled with the wording. When the words slipped out I realized it didn’t matter though. No matter how I worded this it would sound wrong because it was wrong.
“I really like you Spencer...” I swallowed, knowing that was going to be the easiest thing to say in this conversation.
“I like you too. Aren’t those good things though? I don’t understand why you keep leaving instead of just talking to me.” Spencer looked at his hands.
“It would be good if I knew how to act or rather, how to feel.” I paused, knowing this was all coming out wrong. “If I wasn’t so damn broken then it would be a great thing.” Tears pricked at my eyes as the words bubbled to the surface of my mind. “There’s more to the whole me moving in with Ryan thing than you know.”
“What do you mean?” Spencer sounded suspicious but I doubt he suspected the truth. It was too awful to guess at.
“Ryan showed up at my place after...” My mouth was suddenly dry but I didn’t want to move to get a drink. I didn’t want to do anything other than get this over with. “After my dad raped me.” In such a small amount of words the sentence sounded weak to me, as if the action wasn’t as horrible as it was.
I felt like screaming would be more appropriate. I wasn’t even sobbing. All I could do was sit and wait for Spencer’s response. Throwing a fit would do nothing for the situation and Spencer would either understand... or he wouldn’t.
It felt like hours had passed and Spencer still had not said a word. “Spencer?” I hesitantly attempted to gain his attention.
“Yeah?” His voice was heavy.
The emotion lacing that simple word surprised me and I turned to face him, finding that he had lost interest in his hands and was now staring at me. “Do I disgust you?”
That’s when I noticed that tears were falling down Spencer’s cheeks. That emotion he was showing... that was for me. When he leaned forward and pulled me towards him I didn’t feel frightened at all. No thoughts of running even came to mind.
I needed this.
I needed Spencer.
And so he held me. Together we both cried. For the first time since the night I lost what I thought had been my innocence I felt safe and that feeling was innocent. With Spencer I felt innocent again.
It was like the dirt had been washed off.
Was Ryan ever wrong?
***
(Spencer’s POV)
“Kade?” I gently whispered her name to make sure that she was actually asleep. After a few minutes of silence I moved, gently sliding her body off of mine.
I barely made it outside before I exploded, kicking the closest thing to me. Thankfully it was just a rock.
I knew something was wrong. I knew long before the others. I saw the bruises. How could I do nothing? Had I done something this never would’ve happened because Kade’s dad never would’ve had the chance to rape her.
Kade had been raped.
The words were still sinking in, causing images to flash through my mind. Something had been stolen from her. Something I could never get back for her.
Now all of her awkward uncomfortable moments made a little more sense and I just felt like the biggest asshole in the world. She was dealing with that while I was pressuring her.
How could Ryan not tell me? How had charges not been pressed? Did Jon and Brendon know too?
I couldn’t help but feel completely out of the loop on this.
Was I that unimportant?
Kade sure as hell wasn’t unimportant to me.
I felt as if something such as a cloud had taken over my mind, fogging up all of my thoughts. Was I aware of what I intended to do? Fully. I just couldn’t seem to grab a hold of my thoughts long enough to logically think them through.
It really didn’t take me long to reach Kade’s old house. The lights were off but I wasn’t surprised. It was the middle of the night. He was probably passed out drunk, from what I knew of him.
I didn’t even have to break in since he had forgotten to lock the door. I flicked a light on after feeling the walls for a few minutes. The living room was trashed, with beer bottles thrown everywhere.
I remembered Kade cleaning after she had spent the night. Now it all made sense. She’d been so frightened about not finishing by the time I woke up. The idea of her comparing me to her father made me slightly ill.
The kitchen was worse, with dirty dishes lining the counter space.
I couldn’t find him downstairs so I began climbing the stairs, making sure to avoid the messes he’d left absolutely everywhere. I still ended up hearing glass crunch underneath my sneakers.
The first bedroom I stumbled upon smelled so terrible that I assumed it had to belong to her father. I flicked the light on to find it empty though and my heart sunk at the idea of him not being home.
I was about to give up and leave when I noticed the other door at the end of the hallway. I wondered just what Kade’s bedroom would be like. Would there be posters of bands, like mine? I didn’t know too much about her... It was a good chance to get to know her a little better.
As I opened the bedroom door I realized Kade’s dad was home after all.
In her bedroom.
The rage I felt was unexplainable.
***
(Kade’s POV)
As I woke up I realized the living room seemed brighter and... Spencer wasn’t holding me anymore; He wasn’t anywhere in sight.
It seemed I’d slept all night. The smell of coffee hit my nose, causing my stomach to groan in dissatisfaction. Coffee didn’t sound so bad. Hell, nothing really sounded bad anymore.
I’d won, in a way. I told Spencer the truth and he didn’t run away. He didn’t give me a look of disgust or ask me to leave.
He held me.
“Hey Spencer, I’m going to take a quick shower. Save me a cup of coffee!” I called, smiling at the thought of seeing him.
Waking up to Spencer was something I could definitely get used to.
I didn’t wait for a response from Spencer as I basically bounced to the bathroom. Things hadn’t been this great in a long time. I didn’t even think things could be this great.
Spencer was opening my eyes to everything, such as happiness. It felt good to finally be ready to let him in.
When I emerged from the shower there was a cup of coffee sitting on the bathroom counter, waiting for me. I was surprised that he would bring me coffee in to the bathroom but the thought behind the action still made me smile.
I’d never dressed so fast after showering. I just wanted to see Spencer. I needed to see him. I felt as if I’d wasted too much time running from him. Now I truly wanted to be with him, for as long as I could.
The smile that was stretching across my face faded as I found Ryan in the living room. “Hey, when did you get here?”
“About five A.M.” Ryan responded, standing up. I noticed he wasn’t smiling, as he usually would be.
“What’s wrong?” I looked past him, expecting Spencer to appear at any moment. “Where is Spencer?”
Ryan sighed heavily before responding. “Spencer’s in jail. He got arrested last night.”
I actually wish he hadn’t said anything.
That probably would’ve been better.
***
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