FicWad

(Kade’s POV)



Spencer. Me. Kissing. Spencer+Me=Kissing. That should be a good, terrific, wonderful, over the moon kind of thing... So why did I have to freak out as if I were still frightened of catching cooties from boys?

My hands were still shaking and I couldn’t shake the image of Spencer’s disappointed face right as I turned away. I wanted him. I wanted Spencer. He was everything I wanted in a man plus more. He was more amazing than any other individual I’d ever met.

For some reason that made him so much more frightening.

My eyes drifted to the car passing by. The traffic was dead and it was the first car I’d seen since reaching Spencer’s.

The car was familiar.

Ryan?

I found myself watching the car, expecting it to pass me by. Even if it was Ryan, he would probably be going to see Spencer. I hadn’t called him. The last thing I needed right now was for him to land some profound words upon me. They were nice but I didn’t really feel like thinking right now. I just wanted to curl up and die.

I didn’t think I could fix things this time.

I had messed up with Spencer too many times. This time things were progressing and I proved that I just couldn’t handle that. All it was ... was a simple kiss.

If I couldn’t handle that then what could I handle?



The car quickly pulled over to the side of the road, making small pebbles jump, as if running for their lives. Their non-existent lives. I could probably explain my feelings better to the tiny rocks near my feet than I’d ever be able to whenever Spencer asked what was wrong.

“Kade? My god, what are you doing out here?” Ryan asked, slamming the car door behind him.

“You make it sound as if I’m in the middle of the woods.” I replied, wanting to seem as calm as possible. “I’m actually only a few blocks from Safeway.” As if that mattered in any way, shape, or freaking form.

Unless Safeway offered new parts for broken people, because then I’d be set. Unfortunately I hadn’t heard of any new products matching that description.

“You’re headed to Safeway?” For someone so damn smart Ryan could be completely clueless sometimes.

“Are you on your way to Spencer’s apartment?” I was actually proud of how casually my words came out, as if they weren’t causing me to nervously break down on the inside.

Just saying Spencer’s name hurt right now.

“Nope.” Ryan leaned against his car, staring at me. I felt as if he could see right through me. “Spencer called me and asked me to pick you up.”

Apparently he, as well as Ryan, thought I couldn’t find my way around in the middle of town. “Oh, well thank you but that’s really not necessary. I don’t mind walking.” I just didn’t want to be stuck in a car with Ryan. Ryan, with his god-like abilities. He could see right through me and though he had the ability to fix all of my problems I didn’t want him to fix this one. As dim as it was looking, I still wanted to be the one to figure things out.

“Spill.” All it took was that one word passing Ryan’s lips and tears filled my eyes, threatening to spill over with the next word out of my own mouth.

“We- we kissed.” I whispered, frozen in place.

“And?” A smile tugged at Ryan’s lips.

“It was beautiful.” I choked out, as tears began leaking out. I couldn’t hold them back anymore. I failed at romance. I failed at romance, with the only person that really mattered.

“That’s usually good.” Ryan said, awkwardly pausing. “I’m guessing you said something that you’re now regretting?”

“I told him that I wasn’t ready.” But I really wanted to be ready. I wanted it so badly. “And then... I left.”

“That...” Ryan paused, as if thinking of the words. “That’s not a terrible thing Kade. So what if you aren’t ready? Spencer will give you time.”

“I am ready Ryan. I mean, I want to be ready.” Whenever I said it out loud it made no sense but in my head things fell together perfectly.

“Wanting to be ready and actually being ready aren’t the same thing.” Ryan warned. “What else happened? You seem pretty scared.” As he stepped closer he reached out for my hand, which was shaking badly.

My brain seemed to detach from my mouth, causing a moment of complete silence in which I simply stared at my hand which was now being held by Ryan.

Then things clicked in to place. “You don’t matter.” I muttered, as if to test my theory.

“Ouch.” Ryan frowned, hiding his growing smile.

“Brendon doesn’t matter.” I noted. “Jon doesn’t matter. No one else around me matters but- Spencer, he matters.”

Ryan nodded, already knowing where I was going with my comments. Ryan always seemed a step ahead. Suddenly I was grateful for his presence because as the words left my lips they began to make more sense.

“I’m afraid to be around Spencer because he’s the one that matters.” That should have been a lot less complicated.

Ryan gave a small chuckle but a serious tone lingered. “When your dad hurt you, he broke a pretty strong trust.”

I just stared at Ryan, feeling my knees weaken at the memory.

“Dad’s aren’t supposed to do shit like that to their daughters.” Ryan said, brushing stray strands of hair from my forehead. “It’s a different kind of trust that’s broken. It’s not like our trust. It’s not the same as a simple friendship. Spencer isn’t your friend, he’s always been something more even if neither of you would acknowledge it. Spencer and you are on a different level, a higher level than friendship.” I listened to Ryan’s words, realizing he was right. It really wasn’t that surprising that he was.

“So Spencer’s relationship is a lot more like a father’s should be. Father’s should protect their daughters, just as men protect their girlfriends. You’re supposed to feel safe.” This was better than any therapy session could ever be. “Every time you approach that feeling you shut down, remembering what happened with your dad.”

I could only nod, unaware of how to fix myself.

“Spencer isn’t like that though.” Ryan let his smile come out, touching his lips.

“I know.” I always knew Spencer was different. “But that realization doesn’t seem to hit the right spots. It’s like I can’t seem to acknowledge that when it matters.”

“Spencer needs to know.” Ryan’s words terrified me.

“No!” I couldn’t imagine telling Spencer.

“Why would that be such a bad thing?” Ryan’s tone took on a gentle turn. “You don’t blame yourself, do you Kade?”

I looked down, ashamed. “I- I disgust myself Ryan.”

And that was the awful truth keeping me from ever being honest with Spencer.