Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco

On the Inside

by DisenchatedDestroya 3 reviews

Ryan, for once, is at a loss for words. Because he's really messed up this time. RYAN/SPENCER one-shot. Read, review, rate and feel my love! :P

Category: Panic! At The Disco - Rating: PG-13 - Genres: Romance - Published: 2012-05-15 - Updated: 2012-05-15 - 1055 words - Complete

On the Inside

“I just, I… I don’t understand. Please, help me understand, Ry.”

I don’t understand myself, Spence. How can I expect you to?

“I’ve been your best friend since forever; I thought you could trust me with this kind of shit.”

Please don’t cry, Spence! I do trust you, really I do. But I care about you too and I don’t want to bring you down with my shit. That just wouldn’t be fair. Not at all. Not after all of the things you’ve done for me. Like protecting me from the scary big kids at elementary school and rescuing me from the bullies. Like making me birthday cakes because you know my dad won’t. Like making me feel all special inside even though we both know I’m nothing but a fuck-up.

“Say something, Ryan. Please, for the love of god, just let me know you’re alright. Speak to me, Kid. Please.”

My throat’s too sore. I’d talk to you if I could, trust me; right now I don’t think I want anything more than to just sob and scream and tell you everything, but I… I just can’t, Spence. It’s not only that my throat’s still too raw from my fingers waltzing down it in vain attempts to make me beautiful; it’s that I just don’t have the words. If I’d known you were going to find me, I’d have organized some sort of explanation. But I didn’t know and so I’ve got no words whatsoever to make it all better.

“Aw, c’mon, Ry; don’t cry. You’ll set me off again. I hate seeing you cry, Kid. You know that, right? I just want you to be happy.”

Then let me be beautiful, Spencer. Let me carry on doing what I’ve been doing for the past three months like a good little freak. It’s not like I’m hurting anyone. Nobody apart from myself, but that’s okay; it’s my body, I can do what I want with it. Right?

“Don’t look at me like that. You know I care, Ry, I really fucking do. I’m not doing this to be mean; I just want to help you.”

I know you care, Spence. Of course I fucking know; like you said, we’ve been best friends since forever. I knew it enough to trust you when my dad hit me and I needed someone to run to whilst he sobered up, you were there for me then. Held me tight whilst I held an ice-pack to my throbbing cheek, you told me you weren’t ever letting go. In a sense, you never have. But that doesn’t mean that I understand what you’re doing right now; driving me to the hospital.

“I don’t have a choice, Buddy. I called Brendon and he agrees with me that this is the right thing to do. You can barely stand without help at the moment, Ry. This has gone on for long enough.”

It’s not long enough though, it won’t be long enough until I’m beautiful. Why can’t you see that, Spencer? I’ve got to be beautiful so then nobody will want to hurt me; they’ll just want me. And I can’t believe you got Bren involved. That’s hardly fair; the kid doesn’t need to be worrying about me when there’s nothing to worry about. And even if there is, it’s nobody’s business but my own. I want to puke myself pretty? I’ll do it. Because it’s my fucking body. But you’re my best friend.

“Hey! Ry, keep your eyes open for me, Kid. Shit, you’re worse than I thought.”

But I’m sleepy, Spence! I’m too tired to want to stay awake anymore, just like I’m too weak not to give into it; to the bulimia. You’re my best friend though, right, Spencer? And that means I can try because you want me to. Because you believe I can.

“That’s it, Ryan. Keep your eyes on me, good boy.”

I shouldn’t fall so easily to such simple praise, but I can’t help it; your words have always meant more to me than anything else in this world. Whether they’re the constant flow of comfort that my eyes are always beseeching you for or the caring vocalisations of worry that are always breaking my heart because, well, I love you, Spence. You’ve always been here for me when my own dad wasn’t, even before Brendon and Jon were. Even when I’ve got nothing, I’ve always got you.

“How did you let this happen, Ry? Why didn’t you tell me?”

Because I love you. I want you to love me back; I want to be pretty for you. I don’t want to make you worry.

“You know you’re perfect just the way you are, right? And even if you’re not it doesn’t matter. I think you are.”

You have to say that though, Spencer. You just found me with my fingers down my throat and about to pass out. Of course you’re going to want to say something to make me feel good about myself. It’s just who you are; too kind to spot a lie when it’s glaringly obvious to everyone else. Even if part of me does want to believe that you’re just being honest with me, not telling some selflessly compassionate lie.

“You don’t believe me, do you, Ry? That’s okay, I don’t expect you to yet. But know that I will make you believe it. Because it’s true. Because I… Well, Ry, I love you.”

“I love you too, Spence.”

A/N: I’m not too sure about this, seeing as I’ve never written Spencer and Ryan as a pairing before, so sorry if it’s crap/makes no sense whatsoever. The italics are meant to be Ryan’s thoughts, sorry if this is just ridiculously confusing. Thanks for reading and please let me know what you think! :)
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