Categories > Celebrities > Panic! At The Disco
Have you ever had a secret where if you told someone your whole life would be turned upside down? But it wouldn’t just ruin your chance at a normal life; it would ruin so much more than that. It would change everyone’s opinion about you. Suddenly you wouldn’t be who everyone thought you were. Suddenly you would be someone else, completely opposite of their previous opinions.
***
I sat on the shower floor, feeling the cold water seep into my sweater. I didn’t move, couldn’t move. Even if I could have moved, I didn’t want to. Tears streamed down my face, mixing with the cool water.
Memories flooded my vision, memories that were better off forgotten.
I laid on the floor of my bedroom, the lights were off and curtains closed. There was no light anywhere, just pitch black. I felt calm; I liked it here on the floor. The way the carpet felt against my pale skin, it was a nice feeling. I could feel every rough scratch of the floor touching my soft skin, rubbing against it.
I heard my door open and I looked up to see a dark figure standing there. His face was shrouded by shadows. He looked down to where I rested on the floor and I could see his white teeth grinning at me mockingly.
He sat down on the floor next to me and I could just make out his dark chocolate eyes gazing at me with wonder. “Why're you laying here, Ry?”
I shrugged my shoulders enjoying the feel of the rough carpet rubbing against my skin once more. He ran a finger down my chest playfully and I didn’t stop him. He smiled at me again, moving his finger lower. I didn’t tell him to stop or remove his finger, just let him keep going.
He laid down next to me and started stroking my arm. I glanced at him a look of confusion on my face but he either couldn’t see it or didn’t care. He rolled over on top of me. I tried to push him off but he wasn’t having it now. I opened my mouth to scream but his hand was there immediately, blocking any noise from coming out.
“This won’t hurt at all.” He whispered in my ear, his hand still covering my mouth.
Suddenly the feel of the carpet on my skin wasn’t so comforting. Tears of panicked frustration leaked from my eyes. I struggled from his grasp but it was no use.
I shivered at the memory and more tears stung my eyes. I looked at the shining razor in my hand and watched my reflection in it. I could see my red-rimmed eyes with tears streaming out. I could see my chocolate hair, plastered to my face.
I looked down at my arms already shining with crimson rivulets flowing from my veins. I dragged the razor across my arm once more, enjoying the sweet kiss of steel on flesh. I sighed at the release of pleasure and leaned against the wall.
My eyes grew heavy, my vision dimmed. One more cut, just one more and I could end it. I could forget this pain. I swam in a world of gray, just barely grazing the surface. I faintly heard the bathroom door open and someone scream at my tattered form on the floor. Could barely register the ice blue eyes staring into my own as I lost consciousness.
***
I awoke to blinding lights and steady mechanical beeps. My arms were sore, very sore. I lifted my head and looked around the room. Medical equipment everywhere, one dismal window overlooking a gray city. A gray room in a gray building overlooking a gray city.
I saw a crumpled form in a chair. One with light brown hair and ice blue eyes as if from a dream. My mind frantically searched for the name to this face, one that I knew as well as my own. “Spencer.”
He looked up as he heard his name and smiled. He walked over to my bed and sat at the edge. He held my hand softly. “Why’d you do it?” My heart broke as I heard the pain that was laced in his voice. I wanted to tell him, really I did. I wanted him to know, I wanted him to understand, but if I did he would let me go. He would look at me with disgust, as if I was ruined—which I was.
I shook my head, tears dislodging themselves from my eyes. “Please Ryan. Tell me.” He only wanted to help me, he only wanted to understand. But how would he understand if he wasn’t in my shoes? How would he understand if he’d never gone through it himself?
Every day, every fucking day, living with this memory hanging over my head like a dagger waiting to plunge down and destroy me. Trying to forget, trying to think of happiness but coming to nothing else but pain, it was so hard. The only way to release the pain in my head was to bring it out physically. I could forget, if only for a little while.
I watched as tears filled Spencer’s eyes. He tilted his head down and I saw a few tears make a short-lived attempt at freedom before he brushed them away. Spencer’s blue eyes met mine and he leaned forward, capturing my lips in an eager kiss. “Ryan I love you so much. Please, let me help you.”
He only wanted to understand, but I couldn’t give him that. I wouldn’t only for my selfish reasons. Because despite how much I hated this spiraling depression, it was the only thing I knew.
I closed my eyes and shook my head again. I loved him too. Loved him with all my heart, but there were just some things that were best kept secret.
***
I sat on the shower floor, feeling the cold water seep into my sweater. I didn’t move, couldn’t move. Even if I could have moved, I didn’t want to. Tears streamed down my face, mixing with the cool water.
Memories flooded my vision, memories that were better off forgotten.
I laid on the floor of my bedroom, the lights were off and curtains closed. There was no light anywhere, just pitch black. I felt calm; I liked it here on the floor. The way the carpet felt against my pale skin, it was a nice feeling. I could feel every rough scratch of the floor touching my soft skin, rubbing against it.
I heard my door open and I looked up to see a dark figure standing there. His face was shrouded by shadows. He looked down to where I rested on the floor and I could see his white teeth grinning at me mockingly.
He sat down on the floor next to me and I could just make out his dark chocolate eyes gazing at me with wonder. “Why're you laying here, Ry?”
I shrugged my shoulders enjoying the feel of the rough carpet rubbing against my skin once more. He ran a finger down my chest playfully and I didn’t stop him. He smiled at me again, moving his finger lower. I didn’t tell him to stop or remove his finger, just let him keep going.
He laid down next to me and started stroking my arm. I glanced at him a look of confusion on my face but he either couldn’t see it or didn’t care. He rolled over on top of me. I tried to push him off but he wasn’t having it now. I opened my mouth to scream but his hand was there immediately, blocking any noise from coming out.
“This won’t hurt at all.” He whispered in my ear, his hand still covering my mouth.
Suddenly the feel of the carpet on my skin wasn’t so comforting. Tears of panicked frustration leaked from my eyes. I struggled from his grasp but it was no use.
I shivered at the memory and more tears stung my eyes. I looked at the shining razor in my hand and watched my reflection in it. I could see my red-rimmed eyes with tears streaming out. I could see my chocolate hair, plastered to my face.
I looked down at my arms already shining with crimson rivulets flowing from my veins. I dragged the razor across my arm once more, enjoying the sweet kiss of steel on flesh. I sighed at the release of pleasure and leaned against the wall.
My eyes grew heavy, my vision dimmed. One more cut, just one more and I could end it. I could forget this pain. I swam in a world of gray, just barely grazing the surface. I faintly heard the bathroom door open and someone scream at my tattered form on the floor. Could barely register the ice blue eyes staring into my own as I lost consciousness.
***
I awoke to blinding lights and steady mechanical beeps. My arms were sore, very sore. I lifted my head and looked around the room. Medical equipment everywhere, one dismal window overlooking a gray city. A gray room in a gray building overlooking a gray city.
I saw a crumpled form in a chair. One with light brown hair and ice blue eyes as if from a dream. My mind frantically searched for the name to this face, one that I knew as well as my own. “Spencer.”
He looked up as he heard his name and smiled. He walked over to my bed and sat at the edge. He held my hand softly. “Why’d you do it?” My heart broke as I heard the pain that was laced in his voice. I wanted to tell him, really I did. I wanted him to know, I wanted him to understand, but if I did he would let me go. He would look at me with disgust, as if I was ruined—which I was.
I shook my head, tears dislodging themselves from my eyes. “Please Ryan. Tell me.” He only wanted to help me, he only wanted to understand. But how would he understand if he wasn’t in my shoes? How would he understand if he’d never gone through it himself?
Every day, every fucking day, living with this memory hanging over my head like a dagger waiting to plunge down and destroy me. Trying to forget, trying to think of happiness but coming to nothing else but pain, it was so hard. The only way to release the pain in my head was to bring it out physically. I could forget, if only for a little while.
I watched as tears filled Spencer’s eyes. He tilted his head down and I saw a few tears make a short-lived attempt at freedom before he brushed them away. Spencer’s blue eyes met mine and he leaned forward, capturing my lips in an eager kiss. “Ryan I love you so much. Please, let me help you.”
He only wanted to understand, but I couldn’t give him that. I wouldn’t only for my selfish reasons. Because despite how much I hated this spiraling depression, it was the only thing I knew.
I closed my eyes and shook my head again. I loved him too. Loved him with all my heart, but there were just some things that were best kept secret.
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