FicWad

sitting by myself, my feet stuck in the cool stream of water, i tried to reason out why i had these problems. I was just an every day kid, no better, no worse than most. i didn't do drugs i cared about my grades and my lack of six pack abs i worried about if i was going to get any taller, if i would grow any hair on my chest. sure these things were pathetic but those were just the only things that could take my mind off of everything else.

It all started when i was tweleve and began to zone out during lessons to study the way brendons hand moved as he sketched. I mean, it didnt help that the teacher was talking about those 'oh so facinating' algebratic equations and that my attention span was the size of a pea, but he was just so captivatingly gorgeous. I used to scold myself for thinking such thoughts, it wasn't right, thinking of another guy this way. i would always stray over to linz's hands but i didnt feel anything, they should have held my gaze more. shouldn't they?

By thirteen my obsession with hands stopped and it became an obsession with just about any part of the body. I spent an entire school year burning holes into the back of Billy joe's head because i sat behind him in maths and i liked the way his hair curled. I would just study the curve patterns, fuck algebratic equations this was much more interesting. I would stare at him intently as he stared intently at linz. I shouldve found her beuatiful. Shouldn't i?

When my brothers watching T.V i can't help but try to scope out the hot guys like Joey from friends...

What i'm trying to say is that i've had a long time to think about this(being fucking 17 and all)and it doesn't get any better and i see no other possible solution. I have a thing for guys. Don't get me wrong i like girls they're funny and sweet and they smell great, but then again so does my mum. I want someone funny and sweet who smells like me!!

My parents, would they still want me if they knew? in all fact i knew that they wouldn't care but there was still that little voice that said they might care. I don't have any dillusions about people. I watch the news; i read the paper; i go on yahoo!! I know how someone that youv'e known your whole life can turn on you when you make the so called 'change'. I don't know how, if they did have a problem, i would be able to explain that it was just me, Gerard, the same Gerard that has always been around. Its sad really, that people don't take the time to think about how much it hurts. How long the persons felt differn't and strange. How much the person wanted to tell them but was afraid of rejection. Well it's not like i havn't told anybody...in fact i think my parents were the only ones that didn't know, and to be honest they probably did know and they didn't want to say anything, ya know wait for m to tell them. But then what if they're like 'them'. the bullies. What if they're just incredably ashamed and the minute i utter the words "im gay" they kick me out and tell me not come back, that im not their son anymore.

I have these dreams where i tell my parents that i'm gay and they say "oh gerard we're so, so proud that you had the courage to tell us!! everythings gonna be okay!!" but i know that not all parents are that understanding, and i don't want to loose them.



hey guys if you read this your amazing 'gives you cookie' and i will be continuing this story as soon as possible if you guys like it so tell me what you think and if you have any suggestions dont be afraid to but them out there!!